Part 4
By Cameron Mason
CAMERON: Time to find out who you REALLY are!
TLHO: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
<CAMERON reaches across and pulls off TLHO's face, revealing the face of THE EIGHTH DOCTOR.>
CAMERON: Doctor?????
<THE EIGHTH DOCTOR shakes his head.>
THE EIGHTH DOCTOR: Huh? I'm free!!!!!!
<THE DOCTOR grabs CAMERON and kisses him on the nose.>
THE DOCTOR: THANKYOU!!!!!
CAMERON: That's OK Doctor.
<ALRYSSA KELLY moves towards THE DOCTOR.>
ALRYSSA: It is you! Doctor, I've waited so long for this moment I...
<ALRYSSA swoons and THE DOCTOR catches her.>
THE DOCTOR: Alryssa, can you hear me?
CAMERON: She's out cold, shocked at having met you in the flesh...
<AMBASSADOR MOLLARI enters the room.>
MOLLARI: Darling, darling, where are you?
<AMBASSADOR MOLLARI sees DANGERMOUSE.>
MOLLARI: Thank God I've found you. Ever since I let go of you while we were being sent to this place I...
ADAM RICHARDS: DM got lucky! DM got lucky!
KEITH: Quiet Adam.
PAUL CORNELL: A case of celebratus interruptus eh, Dave?
DM: Shut up Paul.
PAUL: You want a piece of me?
DM: Last time you chose the weapons. This time it's my turn.
<DM grabs two SWORDS off a wall rack.>
<DM hands a SWORD to PAUL.>
DM: Ready?
PAUL: Ready as I'll ever be.
<They fight. It is very obvious that DM is the better swordsman, outclassing PAUL.>
DM: Give in yet?
PAUL: Never!
<DM strikes several blows to PAUL's midriff, PAUL's clothes ripping, leaving DM inscribed on his chest.>
DM: You bear my mark now. You are mine!!!
PAUL: Cheap Zorro trick!
<DM strikes at PAUL's heart.>
DM: Do you yield?
PAUL: Now, yes!
DM: Excellent.
<DM takes the SWORD from PAUL and puts both SWORDS back on the wall.>
DM: Now, to celebrate my victory.
<DM grabs AMBASSADOR MOLLARI and passionately kisses her.>
PAUL: Next time...
<PAUL slinks off to another part of the room.>
<GARY RUSSELL comes over to KEITH.>
GARY: Hi Keith!
KEITH: OK, ok. You're the Doctor and I'm your helpless companion Adric.
GARY: Keith, Keith, Keith. I not going to play games with you any more.
KEITH: You're not. (brightens up) Good.
GARY: Thankyou for being one of the only people to like Divided Loyalties.
KEITH: That's Ok, I thought it was a cool book.
GARY: How about I namecheck you in Instruments of Darkness?
KEITH: Yes please!
GARY: See you around!
KEITH: Ok, bye!
<KEITH sighs in happiness. GARY RUSSELL walks up to him.>
GARY: Great Keith, you're all set to carry on the game from where we left off!
KEITH: Huh?! MUMMY!!!!!!!!
<KEITH runs off>
<GARY looks around forlornly for a moment before taking off his face, revealing the face of CAMERON.>
CAMERON: Hehehe. That was a good one.
KATE: That wasn't very nice.
CAMERON: But it was very funny.
KATE: You're right there. Ha ha ha!
<CAMERON wanders back over to THE DOCTOR.>
CAMERON: Is she awake yet?
THE DOCTOR: She's coming around now.
<ALRYSSA's eyelids begin to flutter.>
ALRYSSA: Aaaahhh...
CAMERON: She'll be fine now.
THE DOCTOR: Good.
CAMERON: Doctor, how did you end up like that? As THE LONG HAIRED ONE?
THE DOCTOR: I arrived here, and my mind was hit by a powerful force, and I shut down mentally.
CAMERON: Can you shut this place down?
THE DOCTOR: It must exist, but I can limit entry and exit into this place.
CAMERON: So, if someone had enough will power, they could control all your adventures?
THE DOCTOR: Yes, and their presence is still here, amongst us, a presence of evil...
CAMERON: But who?
<J2RIDER leaps towards the CONTROL PANELS.>
J2RIDER: i HaVe CoTrOl Of ThE fAnWaNk UnIvErSe!!! mY sToRiEs ShAlL bE cAnOn!!!!!
THE DOCTOR: Stop him!
<THE DOCTOR and CAMERON leap for the CONTROLS and J2RIDER, but J2RIDER hits some buttons.>
J2RIDER: wAtCh YoUr CaNoN's EnD!!!!!!!!
<MICK, JOXER and DA CAT BADGE disappear.>
CAMERON: What have you done to them you little shit?!
J2RIDER: pUtTiNg My PlAnS iNtO aCtIoN!
THE DOCTOR: Oh, God...
CAMERON: What?
THE DOCTOR: He's resurrected Adric...
<Int. The SPACECRAFT from EARTHSHOCK, BRIDGE.>
<An older ADRIC is at the controls.>
<MICK, JOXER and DA CAT BADGE appear behind him.>
MICK: Where are we?
JOXER: It looks like that spacecraft from Earthshock.
DCB: Is that?
MICK: Adric?
<ADRIC turns around.>
ADRIC: Who are you people?
JOXER: We're Doctor Who fans.
ADRIC: Oh, thank God for that!
MICK: Why?
ADRIC: You can help me then.
DCB: Help you?
ADRIC: Another fan - Jerkass or something - has resurrected me, and this craft.
JOXER: He wants you to live.
ADRIC: But if I live, humanity will die.
MICK: Why?
ADRIC: If I solve the last equation, can take control of this ship, and avoid the collision course, saving myself.
DCB: Isn't there another way? An escape pod.
ADRIC: No. The cyberman is watching it, making sure I can't leave.
MICK: We must distract it.
JOXER: How?
DCB: I know! Follow me.
<They all exit the BRIDGE.>
<Int. TLHO's BASE. The following scene has just been watched on the SCREEN.>
J2RIDER: yEs! YeS!
CAMERON: Shut up! It's about to continue.
<INT. SPCECRAFT. A CORRIDOR near the ESCAPE POD.>
ADRIC: I don't see how it'll work.
DCB: Trust me.
<The CYBERMAN stalks towards them.>
DCB: On the count of three. One... Two... Three!
ALL: GOLD! GOLD! GOLD! GOLD! GOLD! GOLD!
<The CYBERMAN starts to spasm.>
ADRIC: It's working!
DCB: Keep going!
ALL: GOLD! GOLD! GOLD! GOLD! GOLD! GOLD! GOLD! GOLD!!!!!!
<The CYBERMAN collapses.>
CYBERMAN: URRRRRRK!!!!!
MICK: Quickly! To the Escape Pod!
<They run past the CYBERMAN, but it grabs a hold of ADRIC.>
ADRIC: Go on! Save yourselves!
<They reach the ESCAPE POD.>
MICK: Here we go!
<EXT. SPACE. The ESCAPE POD is ejected.>
<INT. SPACECRAFT. BRIDGE.>
<ADRIC enters, being followed by the CYBERMAN.>
ADRIC: Here we go.
<ADRIC activates the controls. The SPACECRAFT'S engines rumble.>
ADRIC: Now I shall never know...
<EXT. The SPACECRAFT crashes into the EARTH.>
<INT. TLHO's BASE.>
J2RIDER: nO!!!!! nO!!!!! hE's DeAd!!!!!!
CAMERON: History is restored.
THE DOCTOR: Poor Adric...
<JOXER, MICK and DA CAT BADGE enter.>
JOXER: Adric was quite brave in the end.
MICK: We could have helped him.
DCB: You heard what he said "Save yourselves!".
MICK: Yeah, guess so.
<The LEAD WEEVIL NIBLET goes over to KEITH.>
LWN: Master, Jill has escaped!
KEITH: What!
LWN: She killed two of our number!
KEITH: Look out!
<JILL DEEL walks up to THE DOCTOR.>
JILL: Listen to me! I want out of here NOW!!!!!!!!
THE DOCTOR: I can't let you leave.
JILL: WHAT????????????????????
<JILL starts to grow in size.>
THE DOCTOR: Oh dear...
<YADS steps forward.>
YADS: My turn to fight.
JILL: You dare confront me?
YADS: Confronting the slippery eel for the our good.
JILL: For your own good? Pah! I have control!!!!!!!
YADS: Control is irrelevant.
JILL: You are irrelevant, LITTLE MAN!
YADS: Small is good, compared to monstrous.
JILL: Who are you calling monstrous?????
YADS: Slippery eel!
JILL: You shall die!
YADS: Death by jellied eel!
<THE DOCTOR moves over to the CONTROL PANELS.>
JILL: EEL?! EEL?!
YADS: Giant jellied eel!
<A CLEAR CAPSULE drops from the roof, and falls over JILL and YADS.>
JILL: WHAT IS THIS???
YADS: A prison of our own making.
<The CAPSULE drops through the floor.>
KEITH: Where have you sent them?
THE DOCTOR: They are hurtling through the space surrounding this planet, trapped with each other.
JOHN LONG: I can't think of two people more deserving of being condemned to spend eternity together.
CAMERON: Now, what to do with J2RIDER?
J2RIDER: nO! i HaVe CoNtRoL oVeR tHiS pLaCe!!!!!
<J2RIDER smashes at various controls.>
THE DOCTOR: No!
<JOHN LONG and KEITH grab him.>
J2RIDER: tOo LaTe FoOlS!!!!!! i Am In ChArGe!!!!!!!!
<a cold wind whips up.>
CAMERON: I can guess who's coming.
<The ENTITY whirls into the room.>
ENTITY: OK, who wants me this time?
J2RIDER: i Do!
ENTITY: Why??
J2RIDER: i WaNt To MaKe My StOrIeS cAnOn!!!
ENTITY: No.
J2RIDER: wHaT???
ENTITY: You heard me. No.
J2RIDER: bAsTaRd!!!!!
ENTITY: I'm off. I'm tired of all you people disturbing my domain.
<The ENTITY leaves.>
J2RIDER: nOw!!!
<A whirring sound echoes throughout the room.>
CAMERON: What's happening?
<ALRYSSA starts groaning.>
THE DOCTOR: I'd better see to her.
<ALRYSSA gets up, grabs THE DOCTOR and drags him into THE ANNEX.>
ALRYSSA: Now to do to you what the cybermen did to the First Doctor in The Tense Planet.
THE DOCTOR: Oh dear.
CAMERON: Crap. Alryssa's got The Doctor, and now what's J2RIDER done.
J2RIDER: eMbRaCe ThE gLoRy!!!!!!!!
<Two FACTION PARADOX AGENTS appear.>
AGENT#1: What paradox do we have here Cousin Liz.
AGENT#2: Let's find out Cousin Hugh
LAWRENCE: You bastard J2! Faction Paradox are mine! mine!! MINE!!!!!!!!
J2RIDER: i Am GrAnDfAtHeR pArAdOx!!!!!!
AGENT#1: Foolish human! You are not worthy of Faction Paradox.
AGENT#2: Here is Grandfather Paradox.
<AGENT#2 points to LAWRENCE MILES.>
KATE: Talk about Mary Sue!
LAWRENCE: A servant of Paradox is who I am.
AGENT#1: What is your bidding, Grandfather?
LAWRENCE: To think I have all the power of Paradox in my hand...
CAMERON: Get on with it!
LAWRENCE: OK! Kill that boy!
<LAWRENCE points to KEITH BROOKES.>
KEITH: Huh?
LAWRENCE: Whoops! I mean that boy!
<LAWRENCE points to J2RIDER.>
J2RIDER: nOoOoO!!!!!!
<AGENT#1 and AGENT#2 advance on J2RIDER.>
J2RIDER: hElP mE lOnG hAiReD oNe!!!!! yOu'Ve HeLpEd Me BeFoRe!!!!!
CAMERON: What???
J2RIDER: hE hElPeD mE gEt HeRe!!!
CAMERON: No. I brought you here in the TARDIS.
J2RIDER: i HaVe BeEn HeRe BeFoRe!!!!!
CAMERON: Really...
<The AGENTS grab J2RIDER and they vanish with a whirring sound.>
CAMERON: What are they going to do to him?
LAWRENCE: Like I told them: kill him.
CAMERON: Oh, OK.
<A very self-conscious DOCTOR and a very pleased ALRYSSA emerge from THE ANNEX.>
CAMERON: You look very happy
THE DOCTOR: Ah, well, err, Alryssa was just err...
ALRYSSA: Now I know how Emma feels.
ADAM: The Doctor got lucky!!!!!!!
KATE: Obviously.
LANCE: And he will again in Father Time.
ADAM: Why?
LANCE: How do you think he's going to get a daughter?
ADAM: Oh...
THE DOCTOR: Where has that queer fellow disappeared to?
CAMERON: You mean J2?
THE DOCTOR: Yes.
CAMERON: Faction Paradox took him.
THE DOCTOR: Well their loss is our gain...
<An immense explosion is heard.>
DM: What the fuck was that!
THE DOCTOR: I don't know.
<THE DOCTOR goes and examines the CONTROL PANEL.>
THE DOCTOR: J2RIDER has... Ahhhhhh!
CAMERON: What happened???
THE DOCTOR: The mind... it is still... trying to control... me...
CAMERON: What???
THE DOCTOR: Phew, it's over, for now. I've regained control.
CAMERON: What just happened - the explosion?
THE DOCTOR: J2RIDER triggered an overload in the FANWANK Universe's containment field.
KATE: Which means?
THE DOCTOR: A huge amount of FANWANK is going to be unleashed on both our universes.
CAMERON: Is there something we can do?
THE DOCTOR: Try and stabilise the field, even restore it to minimise damage.
CAMERON: Well, get on with it!
THE DOCTOR: I'm going to need some help.
CAMERON: I'll do it!
THE DOCTOR: I'll operate this panel and you handle the other panel.
CAMERON: OK.
KEITH: What can I do?
THE DOCTOR: Get ready to manage the breach - if it occurs.
KEITH: Where from?
THE DOCTOR: This control panel, near the chair.
KEITH: Gotcha!
KATE: What about us authors?
THE DOCTOR: Try and loose as many of your rejected submissions as possible.
GARY: That means loosing half my submissions!
LANCE: That could be a good thing.
THE DOCTOR: We must hurry, if we waste another moment, we'll be flooded with FANWANK!
<THE DOCTOR and CAMERON are busy working the controls.>
THE DOCTOR: Do you know what you're doing.
CAMERON: No. Do you?
THE DOCTOR: I hope so.
KEITH: The containment field, it's stabilising!
THE DOCTOR: Excellent!
KEITH: A back-loop is closing in on us!!!
CAMERON: I'll try and stop it!
<A huge BIRD flies into the room.>
BIRD: The Doctor is half-human!!!
KATE: We're being attacked by Phillip Seagull!!!!!!
BIRD: the Doctor's father is called Ulysses, his grandfather is Borusa and his brother is The Master!!!
THE DOCTOR: ARRRRGGHHHH!!!!!!
<THE DOCTOR collapses.>
ALRYSSA: DOCTOR!!!!!
<ALRYSSA rushes up to THE DOCTOR and cradles him in her arms.>
BIRD: The Doctor's mother is an Earth woman who died of the plague!!!!!!!!
CAMERON: It's too strong for us!!!
KATE: The Doctor regenerated into a half-human body!
BIRD: AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!
LANCE: The Doctor is loom born!!!
BIRD: THE DALEKS INVADED GALLIFREY!!!!!!
GARY: THE DOCTOR IS ASEXUAL!!!!!!!!!
BIRD: GLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!
DM: THE DOCTOR HAS COUSINS, NOT PARENTS!!!!!!
BIRD: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
<The BIRD dies and fades away.>
KEITH: FANWANK containment is at 98%!
CAMERON: We did it!!!
<THE DOCTOR wakes up.>
THE DOCTOR: Is it over?
ALRYSSA: Yes!
THE DOCTOR: Good!
<THE DOCTOR kisses ALRYSSA full on the mouth.>
ALRYSSA: Ohhhhhhhhh....
<ALRYSSA drifts of smiling.>
THE DOCTOR: Now, to contact the entity, and tell him the crisis is over.
<THE ENTITY comes whirling in.>
ENTITY: So, it's over.
THE DOCTOR: Yes, FANWANK is now contained.
ENTITY: Good, but there's one problem left.
THE DOCTOR: What's that?
ENTITY: Him.
<JOHN NATHAN-TURNER has emerged from the CRYOGENIC CHAMBER and is wandering around.>
JNT: Stay tuned.
KATE: Shit.
JNT: The memory cheats.
ENTITY: His mind's gone, poor fellow.
THE DOCTOR: Will you take him?
ENTITY: Yes, yes I think I will.
<THE ENTITY engulfs JOHN NATHAN-TURNER.>
ENTITY: I'll look after him, he may recover, he might not.
THE DOCTOR: Good.
ENTITY: Goodbye, I may see you all again, but then again, maybe not.
<THE ENTITY whirls out of the room.>
THE DOCTOR: That's everything sorted out here.
KEITH: How do you mean?
THE DOCTOR: The gash is healing, J2RIDER is gone, THE LONG HAIRED ONE is no more, the lurkers are home, and...
<THE SCREEN activates.>
<INT. BBC BOOKS DOCTOR WHO OFFICE>
<BEN DUNN is waking up at his desk.>
BEN: Oof! What have I been drinking?
<He reads a copy of Earthworld.>
BEN: JAC!!!!!!
<JAC RAYNER enters.>
JAC: Yes Ben?
BEN: Remove this murder scene from your book. It's unnecessary and namechecks too many of the authors and fans.
JAC: OK.
<Int. TLHO's Base.>
THE DOCTOR: And Ben Dunn is back to normal. Now all we have to do is return you all to your homes, and me back to my own universe, and everything will be back to normal.
CAMERON: Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Yes Cameron?
CAMERON: Before J2RIDER disappeared, he mentioned something about THE LONG HAIRED ONE helping him.
THE DOCTOR: Yes I did. I needed someone easily manipulable to come here first.
CAMERON: But J2RIDER caused all of this.
THE DOCTOR: So...
CAMERON: You caused all of this!
THE DOCTOR: I was trying to work out what was going on here!
CAMERON: You sent him here before the problems started. He opened the gash.
THE DOCTOR: So?
CAMERON: That means you started all of this!!!!!!!
THE DOCTOR: I did? Oh dear... Still, it was fun though.
CAMERON: No.
THE DOCTOR: Cheer up. I'll get you a copy of The Dying Days.
<CAMERON pulls out the PLOT DEVICE version of DIVIDED LOYALTIES and it shimmers, the PLOT DEVICE becoming a pristine copy of THE DYING DAYS.>
THE DOCTOR: Oh, I'm sorry Cameron, but how can I make this up to you?
CAMERON: You can't
<CAMERON turns away from THE DOCTOR.>
THE DOCTOR: Damn, damn, damn.
<KEITH comes up to THE DOCTOR.>
KEITH: err, Doctor...
THE DOCTOR: Yes Keith?
KEITH: Can we leave? I'm getting chilly and I want to go home.
THE DOCTOR: Of course we can.
<THE DOCTOR whistles.>
THE DOCTOR: That's funny, she should have responded to that whistle.
<THE DOCTOR goes over to CAMERON.>
THE DOCTOR: Cameron, when you were piloting the TARDIS to bring everyone here, you didn't touch anything, did you?
<CAMERON doesn't respond.>
THE DOCTOR: Cameron?
<THE DOCTOR peels off CAMERON's face, revealing the face of TROLL#1.>
THE DOCTOR: Huh?
<A great sound of laughter echoes around the room.>
THE DOCTOR: Oh no...
<EVERYONE turns around to see CAMERON sitting in TLHO's CHAIR.>
CAMERON: I've just worked everything out.
THE DOCTOR: What???
CAMERON: I'm the one whose mind is in control of things.
GARY: Oh bugger.
KATE: What happens now.
CAMERON: I'm running the show now. The Doctor's past, present and future is in my hands...
M H STEVENS: We're doomed.
CAMERON: Oh yes. I'm in charge now. BWA HA HA!!
THE DOCTOR: No...
CAMERON: HA HA HA!!
THE DOCTOR: NO!
CAMERON: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
THE DOCTOR: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
KACHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!
CREDITS (In order of appearance)
CAMERON MASON
THE LONG HAIRED ONE
Lawrence Miles
THE EIGHTH DOCTOR
Paul McGann
ALRYSSA KELLY
AMBASSADOR MOLLARI
DANGERMOUSE
ADAM RICHARDS
KEITH BROOKES
PAUL CORNELL
GARY RUSSELL
KATE ORMAN
J2RIDER
MEDDLING MICK
JOXER
DA CAT BADGE
ADRIC
Matthew Waterhouse
CYBERMAN
David Banks
LEAD WEEVIL NIBLET
Eric Roberts
WEEVIL NIBLETS
CGI
JILL DEEL
YADS
JOHN LONG
ENTITY
Terrance Dicks
AGENT#1
Hugh Grant
AGENT#2
Elizabeth Hurly
LANCE PARKIN
BIRD
Phillip Segal
JOHN NATHAN-TURNER
BEN DUNN
JAC RAYNER
TROLL#1
William B. Davis
M H STEVENS
SPECIAL EFFECTS BY:
Mike Tucker
SPECIAL ASSISTANT TO MR MASON
Matt Marshall
DIRECTED BY:
Chris Clough
COPYRIGHT BBC 2000