Part 3.
By Cameron Mason
<Int. Headquarters of THE LONG HAIRED ONE. It looks like the courtroom set of TOATL.>
CAMERON: here comes the moment of unmasking!
<The LONG HAIRED ONE pulls off his mask, revealing the face of LAWRENCE MILES.>
CAMERON: Mad Larry!!!!!!!!!!
TLHO: Yes, I, Lawrence Miles am: THE LONG HAIRED ONE!!!!!!!!
KATE: And they call me a megalomaniac!
<Int. CATACOMBS>
KEITH: You!
<The MYSTERIOUS FIGURE turns around. It is LAWRENCE MILES.>
LAWRENCE: Finally, some human life! I could kiss you all!!!!!
ED: Err... no thanks. So, ML, why are you here?
LAWRENCE: Well I'd just decided that I'd come out of retirement and write a new Doctor Who novel.
ED: You skint, aren't you?
LAWRENCE: Yes, my bank manager's making me do it.
KEITH: I wish my bank manager would make me write Gang Warfare.
LAWRENCE: I'd just posted my new submission, when this swirly thing chased me down the street.
KEITH: Your bank manager?
LAWRENCE: No it was more like a wormhole to another place. I ended up here, wandering around for I don't know how long. I'm just glad to finally see something human, and not FANWANK.
DANGERMOUSE: We have to move on, or THE LONG HAIRED ONE's minions will find us!
MICK: Which way?
DM: Lets go straight ahead.
<They move on.>
<TLHO's BASE.>
CAMERON: Why Lawrence, why do this?
TLHO: Just after I handed in Interference, I decided to investigate rumours I'd heard.
DA CAT BADGE: Rumours?
TLHO: Yes, rumours. I heard rumours about the FANWANK universe, so I decided to investigate, and ended up here.
CAMERON: But when did all this megalomania stuff start?
TLHO: I decided to test all the equipment here that you see before you. I unleashed: DIVIDED LOYALTIES!!!!!
CAMERON: You fool! How???
TLHO: It was easy to take over a member of the editorial staff of the books...
CAMERON: Not Justin Richards???
TLHO: No, not him, Look at the screen.
<THE SCREEN warms up. We see an image of the BBC Books Doctor Who office.>
<Int. BBC BOOKS DOCTOR WHO OFFICE.>
<JAC RAYNER, STEPHEN COLE, JUSTIN RICHARDS and BEN DUNN are seated around a table.>
STEVE: I'm just not sure Gary Russell's book is worth publishing.
JAC: The Deca? The Guardian of Dreams?
JUSTIN: Frankly, I don't think it is worth publishing.
BEN (His speech is slurred and he is drooling): It issssss a gooood book It will sellllll welll.
JUSTIN: I think we should remove it from the schedule.
BEN: NO! It musssssst stay.
STEVE: OK. Next order of business: A book submission called "Gang War.."
<The SCREEN blacks out.>
CAMERON: You took over Ben Dunn!!!
TLHO: It was so easy. You see, the BBC Office has a disposal slot which leads here. All I had to do was throw back a submission and... Hello Divided Loyalties.
GARY RUSSELL: You mean you commissioned my story? I feel so, so dirty!
CAMERON: But why????????
TLHO: I want control of the entire Doctor Who universe! I will have control of the Doctor's past, present, and future. He is my plaything, and so are you, all of you who have come here to defeat me, I claim you - you all are my playthings!!!
<CAMERON slaps TLHO.>
CAMERON: You forget one thing.
TLHO: What's that?
CAMERON: The Doctor is here. In the FANWANK universe, he summoned us here to help him defeat you.
TLHO: Ahhh, the Doctor, where is he to stop me?
<TLHO gets up.>
TLHO: Is he here?
<Looks under his CHAIR.>
TLHO: Or here?
<Looks under a TABLE.>
TLHO: Or even here?
<Looks up at the SCREEN.>
TLHO: He isn't here to defeat me! I claim you all in the name of FANWANK!!!!!!
<A wind whips up. It is cold.>
TLHO: What's this????
J2RIDER: mAsTeR wHaT hAvE yOu DoNe??????
TLHO: The wind, its whipping through my clothes.
KATE: Someone's done something stupid
JON: And they call you 'Mad Larry'. It looks like 'Mad Larry' is 'Scared Larry'.
TLHO: I am not scared. I just wasn't expecting this.
BENNY: Looks like you plans gone to cruk all!
CAMERON: No, some other force inhabits this place, but what?
<A strange ENTITY enters TLHO's BASE. It is an expanding and contracting ball of energy and matter.>
ENTITY: Who disturbs my sleep?
TLHO: Rassilon??????
KATE: No, it looks like Terrance Dicks???
CAMERON: Uncle Tewwance???
ENTITY: I said 'Who disturbs my sleep'????????? I am getting very angry!!!!!!
TLHO: I did.
ENTITY: Oh, its you. What do you want this time.
CAMERON: You know him?
ENTITY: He's been bothering me for years. "Can I have your autograph Mr Dicks?" "What do you think of my story Mr Dicks?" "Can I like your arse Mr Dicks?". GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!
TLHO: I called on you to turn these people into FANWANK so that I can use them as my playthings.
GARY: I don't want to be put in the sandbox!!!!!
KATE & JON: Shut up Gary!
GARY: I want to go back to my recording studio! I wanna go home!
<CAMERON slaps GARY RUSSELL.>
GARY: Thanks, I was going hysterical there for a minute.
CAMERON: No, that was for writing Divided Loyalties.
GARY: OK! I know you don't like Divided Loyalties, but I promise you will like Instruments of Darkness.
CAMERON: Why will I like it?
GARY: You like Scales of Injustice and Business Unusual, didn't you?
CAMERON: Well, yes I did, I quite enjoyed both novels.
GARY: Well Instruments of Darkness concludes the storylines from both those novels.
CAMERON: Great, I want to see what happens to the twins.
ENTITY: Just wait until you read Endgame!
CAMERON: I liked Timewyrm: Exodus.
ENTITY: It's my best book since that one.
KATE: Can I just say that The Year of Intelligent Tigers is a great book and leave it at that.
TLHO: Can we get on with it please???
ENTITY: Well, what do you want?
TLHO: I told you!
ENTITY: No! You haven't done a thing with the last one I gave you.
<A WALL PANEL slides open. In a CRYOGENIC CELL is JOHN NATHAN-TURNER.>
TLHO: I've been saving him for a special occasion.
ENTITY: Hold on, give me a minute to think, I'm grow aweary of this place.
<Int. CATACOMBS>
<The group is moving along, they stop for a rest.>
KEITH: We need to find THE LONG HAIRED ONE's base of operations.
DM: So we can meet up with everybody else.
KEITH: Yea, and find me some clothes. It's chilly down here and I left my clothes on Voyager.
<JOXER sees a figure walking towards them.>
JOXER: Look, coming towards us, it's...
ED: PC Mist!!!!!!!!!
PC MIST: Right me laddo's, you're all nicked.
KEITH: What for??
PC MIST: You for indecent exposure, I'll take you to THE LONG HAIRED ONE, because if the girls at the station saw you, they'd want to conduct the interview with you themselves, in private, of you know what I mean.
DM: Me?
PC MIST: You are a special case, THE LONG HAIRED ONE wishes to deal with you personally.
DM: Shit.
ED: Now hang on a minute. I created you. You therefore should follow MY orders.
PC MIST: I remember you now, I, I, I...
<PC MIST spasms.>
KEITH: Ed, you've killed your own creation. Even I never did that with the Weevil Niblets.
ED: Yes you did.
KEITH: No I DIDN'T!!!!!!!!
ED: Yes you did. I turned them into Bonnie Langford Weevil Niblets with my Magic Tit Hat and you killed them all.
KEITH: That was fiction!!!!!!!!!!
ED: Yeah. Now it's FANWANK.
KEITH: Huh?
ED: Look at what's on PC Mist's head.
KEITH: It's a bobby's helmet, so what.
ED: PC Mist only wears a Magic Tit Hat.
KEITH: You mean...
ED: Yup.
KEITH: Oh bugger.
<The sound of great wind can be heard, echoing around the CATACOMBS.>
KEITH: Take cover!
MICK: Why?
KEITH: The Weevil Niblets are on their way!
JOXER: Aw crap!
<They all hide.>
<the sound gets stronger.>
<Int. TLHO's BASE.>
TLHO: Well?
ENTITY: No.
TLHO: No, NO, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!
KATE: Oh shit! He's gonna do his Colin Baker impression.
TLHO: You mean to say I can't claim these pitiful beings as my playthings, to do with as I please???
ENTITY: These people are not yours, now or ever.
TLHO: Why not?
ENTITY: Because, quite frankly, you're beginning to bore me.
BENNY: And what a bore he is. Not even offering his captives a meal and a drink. A disgrace.
ENTITY: Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to leave, and go back to my slumber.
<J2RIDER blocks the ENTITY's way out.>
J2RIDER: nO! yOu WiLl GiVe My MaStEr WhAt He WaNtS!!!!!
CHARLES: Give it a rest, will you!
J2RIDER: nO!!!!!!!!!
SNARKY: Be a good boy, and MOVE!!!!!
J2RIDER: nO!!!!!
CAMERON: Bloody move out of the WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!
J2RIDER: nO wAy!!!!!!!!
ENTITY: Bloody hell!!!!!!
<The ENTITY barges past J2RIDER.>
J2RIDER (Yelling at the departing ENTITY): cOmE bAcK hErE aNd FuLfIl My MaStEr'S nEeDs!!!!!!!
EVERYONE: GIVE IT A REST J2!!!!!!!!!
J2RIDER: fInE tHeN!!!!!!!!
EVERYONE: GOOD!!!!!!
<J2RIDER sits down.>
TLHO: Now, what am I to do with you all?
CAMERON: Give us back the Doctor, let him close the gash leading to the FANWANK universe, have your memory wiped of this whole experience and let us all go home?
TLHO: Hmmm... Bzzzzzzzzzzt! WRONG ANSWER!!!!!!!!
CAMERON: Erm, right answer, considering the Entity's decision.
TLHO: Bzzzzzt! Wrong, buddy!!!!!!!
KATE: Well enlighten us then, what are you going to do with us?
TLHO: Make you all FACTION PARADOX!!!!!
CAMERON: Cool. Then we can go back in time and kill you before you find this place.
TLHO: Yes, you could do that and... Hang on a minute! Kill me!! Damn, now I WILL have to think about this.
<Int. CATACOMBS>
<The WEEVIL NIBLETS are filling up the space.>
LEAD WEEVIL NIBLET: Master!
KEITH: Yyes?
LWN: We have brought the evil one for you!
KEITH: Who?
<The LEAD WEEVIL NIBLET gestures to two of its subordinates.>
LWN: She has returned to RADW after being cast away from the group in 1998. It is:
<The TWO WEEVIL NIBLETS come forward carrying JILL DEEL.>
JILL: Huh? What am I doing here? LOL!
KEITH: Now this is what makes being here, naked all worth while. Jill Deel at my mercy...
JILL: Stupid kid, lol.
KEITH: I am not a STUPID KID!!!!!!!!!
JILL: Shut you little whiner, lol!
KEITH: PULL!!!!!!!!!
<The TWO WEEVIL NIBLETS pull on her arms.>
JILL: Stop it you useless beasts! LOL!
LWN: Shall we kill her master?
KEITH: let me think about it...
<INT. TLHO's BASE.>
CAMERON: Well?
TLHO: Well what?
CAMERON: What are you going to do with us?
TLHO: Don't rush me!!!
BENNY: I need a drink.
PAUL: What about the everlasting hipflask?
BENNY: I need something more substantial than that!
TLHO: You all have a bite to eat, and then I'll make up my mind.
<A BANQUET TABLE appears in the middle of the room, loaded with all sorts of goodies.>
CAMERON: I'm starved!
KATE: Let me at it!!!
BENNY (scrutinising WINE LIST): Not a bad selection of plonk.
LANCE: Shouldn't we be careful? He could have poisoned this, for one thing.
TLHO: Drat! I knew I should have taken the easy way out!
CAMERON: You heard him, he hasn't poisoned it! Dig in!!!
<A short time later. All have made pigs of themselves.>
BENNY: Now that was a meal.
CAMERON: Sooooo sleeeeeeeepy...
<EVERYONE starts snoring, except for TLHO.>
TLHO: Now what to do, what to do...
<The TWO PINK DALEKS enter the room.>
PINK DALEK#1: MASTER, MASTER!!
PINK DALEK#2: WE DEMAND THE RIGHT TO EXSPERMINATE THE ENEMY!!!!!!
PINK DALEK#1: YES!!!!!! TO COVER THEM IN OUR WHITE WEE WEE!!!!!!!!
BOTH PINK DALEKS: EXSPERMINATE! EXSPERMINATE!!!!! EXSPERMINATE!!!!!!!!!!
TLHO: Oh God help me!!!!!!!
<INT. CATACOMBS.>
<LAWRENCE, MICK, JOXER, DANGERMOUSE, a comatose PC MIST and KEITH are walking ahead of the WEEVIL NIBLETS, still carrying JILL.>
MICK: We must get to THE LONG HAIRED ONE's base, to meet up with the others.
DM: There are other people here?
JOXER: Yeah, the entire gang from RADW.
DM: Thank God for that.
MICK: And the Doctor.
DM: The Doctor????????
JOXER: If we can find him.
DM: That ain't good.
KEITH: So how did you end up here DM?
DM: I was just celebrating the news that Ben had finally commissioned me, when I got caught up in this "beam", and woke up in the prison.
ED: Oh, that's not good
<PC MIST starts groaning.>
PC MIST: Ahh... err...
JILL: A policeman! Can you arrest these people for kidnapping and Actual Bodily Harm.
ED: PC MIST! I AM YOUR CREATOR! DO NOT LISTEN TO THE WOMAN!
PC MIST: Eddddddddddd...
JILL: Help me! Save me!
PC MIST: Jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj...
ED: I SUMMON ALL THE POWERS OF THE MAGIC TIT HAT!!!!!!!!!!
<A flash of light bounces through the CATACOMBS.>
KEITH: Oooo... pretty...
PC MIST: Right then Mr Jefferson, what's your problem with this 'ere woman then?
JILL: NO! You don't understand! They are holding me captive!
KEITH: Keep her mouth shut!
JILL: No! listen to me I ammm... mmmm... mmmm...
<The LEAD WEEVIL NIBLET covers JILL's mouth with masking tape.>
KEITH: Thank God that's shut her up!
ED: She's a nuisance and doesn't listen to people.
PC MIST: 'Deliberate ignorance of the law' eh? She should go down for that for a very, very long time.
<JILL shoots a venomous look at KEITH.>
KEITH: ARRRRRGH! She's giving me the evil eye!!!!!
<JILL's eyes start glowing purple.>
KEITH: BLUUURJKJRDLRHF!!!!!!!!!
<KEITH's skin starts to smoke.>
LWN: MASTER!!!!!!!!
<The LEAD WEEVIL NIBLET TAPES over JILL's eyes.>
KEITH: Thankyou!
<The MASKING TAPE starts smoking.>
ED: I SUMMON THE POWERS OF WATER!!!!!!
<A stream of water hits the MASKING TAPE, stopping it from smoking.>
PC MIST; I'm a long way from my beat, aren't I?
ED: You have been given, err, a special case.
PC MIST: Have I, I can't remember much past last week, I was on my usual beat, about to arrest some kids for egging Michael Gra...
JOXER: We're moving up!
MICK: We should reach the base of: THE LONG HAIRED ONE very soon.
<Int. TLHO's BASE>
<THE LONG HAIRED ONE is fast asleep.>
<The PINK DALEKS are liberally coating EVERYONE in a WHITE SUBSTANCE, which is slowly dissipating.>
PINK DALEK#1: WHITE WEE WEE!
PINK DALEK#2: WHITE WEE WEE!!!
BOTH PINK DALEKS: EXSPERMINATE!!!!!! EXSPERMINATE!!!!!!!!
<The RADWERS are slowly waking up.>
DCB: Ahhhhhh... (Notices white substance) EWWWWWWWW!!!
KATE: Gross!!!!!
CAMERON: It's not 'white wee wee', its: Carbon Dioxide!!!!!!!!
BOTH PINK DALEKS: YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!! EXSPERMINATE!!!!!! EXSPERMINATE!!!!!!!! EXSPERMINATE!!!!!!!!!
ALL: Shut up!
BOTH PINK DALEKS: TOSSERS!!!!!!
ADAM: Well maybe me but...
CAMERON: Adam,
ADAM: Yes?
CHARLES: Shut up.
ADAM: Oh.
<THE LONG HAIRED ONE starts to wake up.>
TLHO: Oooooooooh...
BOTH PINK DALEKS: MASTER!! WE HAVE EXSPERMINATED TO EXHAUSTION!!!!!!
TLHO: You may leave.
BOTH PINK DALEKS: YES MASTER!!!!!!
<The PINK DALEKS exit TLHO's BASE.>
TLHO: Now, to deal with all of you!
CAMERON: Oh great, he we go - what ghastly thing are you going to do to us?
TLHO: I'm going to write you all in to a novel, and kill you all off!!!!
KATE: Great plan, but, how is that going to kill us.
TLHO: The instructions are going to be sent through Mr Dunn, who will add them to a book of my choice. Once written, the killings will become fact.
LANCE: But how is that going to kill us?
TLHO: You will be held captive here until the book is published. Then, FANWANK will become fact, and you will all perish!!!!!
BENNY: Bugger!
TLHO: Now, to put my plan into action...
<The SCREEN activates.>
<Int. BBC BOOKS DOCTOR WHO OFFICE.>
<BEN DUNN and JAC RAYNER are present.>
BEN: Jacccccccc, your book needs the followiiiiing revissssssssionssssssss.
JAC: What revisions?
BEN: On thisssssss piiiiiiece of paper is a lissssssst of people you need to add to the murder sssspree in your boook.
JAC: There is no murder spree scene in my book.
BEN: THEN WRITE ONE!!!!!
JAC: Ok, ok. (Glances at list) But these are book authors and fans!
BEN: Call iiiiiiiiit name checking...
JAC: Well, ok then.
BEN: Excccccccccelent!
<Int. TLHO's BASE>
<The SCREEN fades to black.>
TLHO: It is done!!! You fates are sealed!!!!!
KATE: Or are they?
TLHO: How?
KATE: Justin will probably overrule Ben, dumping the scene.
TLHO: He won't.
LANCE: Oh. We're screwed then!
CAMERON: All to wait for now is death. But where's Keith and the others?
<Int. CORRIDOR NEAR TLHO's BASE.>
<KEITH, ED, MICK, JOXER, DM, PC MIST, LAWRENCE, THE WEEVIL NIBLETS and JILL are walking down the CORRIDOR.>
KEITH: At last! Nearly here!
<ED sees a FIGURE wandering ahead of them.>
ED: Who's that ahead of us?
MICK: OY! WHO ARE YA!!!!!
<The FIGURE turns around. It is PETER ANGHELIDES.>
PETER: Finally, some human life!!!!!!
ED: Human?
PETER: Yeah. Two pink daleks past me a while ago, shouting something about white pee pee.
KEITH: I remember them. Hang on a minute, I thought I killed you with this:
<KEITH pulls out the BONNIE LANGFORD DOLL.>
PETER: I felt a great pain, then woke up in a corridor, next to a whole pile of wetsuits. I've been wandering around since, trying to reach THE LONG HAIRED ONE's Base.
LAWRENCE: Nice to see a fellow author.
PETER: So, you've come out of retirement.
LAWRENCE: My bank manager's making me do it.
PETER: HE might not have to worry if we don't reach THE LONG HAIRED ONE's base soon.
KEITH: Well, we're on our way there now. Care to join us?
PETER: Yup, sure. (He sees JILL) Is that Jill Deel?
KEITH: Yes.
PETER: Nice to see her gagged for once.
ED: Ain't that the truth!
PC MIST: So, am I to arrest this LONG HAIRED ONE?
ED: Yes. You've been tracking him for some time.
PC MIST: Why?
ED: He's been involved in naughtiness since the beginning of time.
PC MIST: A pervert then?
ED: Yes.
KEITH: Nearly there!
<They come to the DOOR.>
MICK: At last!
JOXER: Answers to our questions!
ED: Free beer for all!!!!!
<They ALL turn to look at him.>
ED: Well, a guy can dream, can't he?
DM: I'll get the door.
<DM tries to open the DOOR.>
DM: It won't open.
MICK: Let me try.
<MICK tries the DOOR. It doesn't open.>
JOXER: I'll barge it.
<JOXER runs down the CORRIDOR. He runs full pelt at the DOOR and hits it. The DOOR refuses to open.>
JOXER: OWWWWWWWW! MY SHOULDER!!!!!!!!!
KEITH: Let me try.
ED: What can you do?
KEITH: This: WEEVIL NIBLETS, CHARGE!!!!!!!
<THE WEEVIL NIBLETS hit the DOOR, JILL DEEL with them.>
LWN: The door, it's breaking!!!!!
JILL: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!
<The DOOR breaks.>
ED: let's go!
<The GROUP walk through the entryway.>
<Int. TLHO's BASE.>
<A CRASH is heard.>
TLHO: What was that?
TROLL#1: The door: it's broken. WE ARE DEFENCELESS!!!!!!
<The WEEVIL NIBLETS fly in, with JILL DEEL.>
CAMERON: Salvation is on its way.
<KEITH, ED, JOXER, MICK, DM, PC MIST and LAWRENCE enter the room.>
CAMERON: Keith!
KEITH: Cameron!
CAMERON: Ed!
ED: Cameron!
JOXER: We're here!
CHARLES: Hooray!
<CAMERON sees LAWRENCE MILES.>
CAMERON: MAD LARRY!!!!!!
<CAMERON stops and looks at THE LONG HAIRED ONE.>
CAMERON: Huh?
ED: But that's...
LAWRENCE:...me?????
TLHO: IMPOSTOR! SEIZE HIM!!!!!!
LAWRENCE: Shagger!!!
PAUL: You git ML!
LAWRENCE : Kate, Jon!
KATE: Yes?
LAWRENCE: Never, ever fool around with Faction Paradox, ever again. And that goes for you too Pete.
PETER: I'm back!
CAMERON: Now hold on a minute.
CHARLES: What?
CAMERON: There's one mystery left though.
LANCE: What's that?
CAMERON: If that's the real Lawrence Miles, then who are you?
TLHO: YOU WILL NEVER KNOW!!!!!!!!
CAMERON: Time to find out who you REALLY are!
TLHO: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
<CAMERON reaches across and pulls off TLHO's face, revealing the face of THE EIGHTH DOCTOR.>
KACHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!
CREDITS (In order of appearance)
CAMERON MASON
THE LONG HAIRED ONE
Lawrence Miles
KATE ORMAN
KEITH BROOKES
LAWRENCE MILES
ED JEFFERSON
DANGERMOUSE
MEDDLING MICK
DA CAT BADGE
JAC RAYNER
STEPHEN COLE
JUSTIN RICHARDS
BEN DUNN
GARY RUSSELL
J2RIDER
JONATHAN BLUM
PROFESSOR BERNICE SUMMERFIELD
Lisa Bowerman
ENTITY
Terrance Dicks
JOHN NATHAN-TURNER
JOXER
PC MIST
Simon Rouse
CHARLES DANIELS
SNARKY
LEAD WEEVIL NIBLET
Eric Roberts
OTHER WEEVIL NIBLETS
CGI Effects
JILL DEEL
PAUL CORNELL
LANCE PARKIN
PINK DALEK#1
Julian Clary
PINK DALEK#2
Eddy Izzard
ADAM RICHARDS
PETER ANGHELIDES
TROLL#1
William B Davis
THE EIGHTH DOCTOR
Paul McGann
SPECIAL EFFECTS BY:
Mike Tucker
SPECIAL ASSISTANT TO MR MASON
Matt Marshall
DIRECTED BY:
Chris Clough
COPYRIGHT BBC 2000