THE REVENGE OF FANWANK.

Part 2.

By Cameron Mason

<Int. room>

KEITH: What's wrong wiTh Me hatIng DiVidEd LoYaLtIeS?

CAMERON: You're one of the only people to like the book that's on-line.

(looks at KEITH) What's wrong with you Keith? You look different.

<Cameron pulls off KEITH's face to reveal J2RIDER's>

CAMERON: God no! Keith's been fanwanked!

J2RIDER: yEs! i Am He, aS yOu ArE mE, AnD wE aRe AlL mE!

CAMERON: What???!!!

J2RIDER: i WoRk FoR tHe LoNg HaIrEd OnE! hE wIlL mAkE mY sToRiEs CaNoN!

CAMERON: No! I can't let this happen!

<The PLOT DEVICE changes form and becomes a DALEK GUN.>

CAMERON: EXTERMINATE!!!!!!!!

<He fires the DALEK GUN at J2RIDER, who starts staggering around the room, skin changing colour.>

<KATE ORMAN, JONATHAN BLUM, LANCE PARKIN and CHARLES DANIELS come running in.>

<KATE sees J2RIDER staggering around the room.>

KATE: What happened???

CAMERON: Keith was actually J2RIDER.

JON: Any of us could have been replaced.

<He reaches across to LANCE and pulls of LANCE's face, revealing JOHN PEEL's face.>

JOHN: Really?

<JOHN pulls off his own face to reveal LANCE PARKIN's slightly flushed face.>

LANCE: That was a good trick, wasn't it?

CHARLES: You bastard! I wanted to do that!

<CHARLES pulls of his face, revealing GARY RUSSELL's face, pulls that face off, revealing JOHN NATHAN-TURNER's face, pulls off that face, revealing JANET FIELDING's face, pulls that face off revealing TERRANCE DICKS' face, pulls of that face, revealing CHARLES DANIEL's very red face.>

LANCE: That can't be right!

<He pulls at CHARLES' face.>

CHARLES: Owwwwwwwwww!!!

LANCE: This..mask...seems...to...be...stuck...Ah!

<LANCE pulls the skin of CHARLES' entire face. CHARLES starts running around the room.>

CHARLES: AAAAAAAHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

LANCE: Shit, it was his real face!!

<LANCE grabs CHARLES and puts the skin back over his face. CHARLES' face now looks like a Picasso painting.>

CHARLES: Thanks Lance.

CAMERON: That wasn't funny. Go on, I'll join you in a minute.

<KATE ORMAN, JONATHAN BLUM, LANCE PARKIN, CHARLES DANIELS and a very green J2RIDER leave the room.>

<CAMERON picks up the GARY RUSSELL FACE MASK.>

CAMERON: This could come in handy. Now to find Keith - and THE LONG HAIRED ONE.

<Int. Headquarters of THE LONG HAIRED ONE. It looks like the courtroom set of TOATL.>

TROLL#1: Master, our agent has been discovered.

TLHO: (face obscured, voice muffled): How??????

TROLL#2: He revealed his true identity.

TLHO: But has he revealed his true mission?????????!!!!

TROLL#1: No, not as yet.

TLHO: Excellent. We still have a hand to play in this game.

<Ext Voyager. Sound fade in. CAPTAIN JANEWAY's log.>

JANEWAY: Captain's log. Lovedate 696969.69. For the past three months we have been orbiting the planet of the nymphomaniacs, where all the crew have enjoyed some much needed R & R, except for Ensign Jefferson, who has been fixing up our continuity problems.

<Int. Voyager BRIDGE.>

ED: Damn plot inconsistencies.

<From the TURBOLIFT come SEVEN OF NINE, HARRY KIM, TOM PARIS and NEELIX. They are carrying an unconscious and naked KEITH BROOKES.>

SEVEN: Captain, we found our new crew member on the planet's surface. Unfortunately we mistook him for a native Nymphomaniac and used him.

KEITH: Woah, what a dream. First J2Rider clobbers me then I see you (points at SEVEN), you (points at KIM), you (points at PARIS) and you (points at NEELIX) standing over my body. Then I was naked, and you were all still there and you were all rubbing my body and...

Oh God, this is Voyager isn't it!!! Please mummy don't let it be so, I'll be good, I'll be a very good boy and won't-

<Ed slaps KEITH.>

KEITH: Thanks Ed. What is this place?

<DANGERMOUSE appears.>

DM: This place is the FANWANK universe prison. I was the first to be imprisoned here, thus it is created to torment me.

KEITH: Aww crap.

<Keith gets up, and looks down at himself, suddenly realising he's been naked for a very, very, long time.>

KEITH: Umm, can I get some clothes?

<Int. Another Corridor!!!!!!!!!!!!!>

<J2RIDER has now turned blue.>

CAMERON: There must be a secret passageway around here somewhere.

KATE: Calm down Cameron, we'll find our way to the Long Haired One's headquarters.

JON: Let's make up stories to keep us entertained.

CHARLES: I know. My latest addition to The Slightly Bizarre Programme Guide: Serial 4-

CAMERON: Enough!!!!!!!!!

<CAMERON stops.>

CAMERON: Damn you Doctor, where ever you are, I'll get you for this you bastard!!!!!!!!!

<CAMERON hits the wall in frustration, revealing a SECRET PASSAGEWAY.>

CAMERON: Gee, I should get angry more often!

<They walk down the SECRET PASSAGEWAY. J2RIDER is a pinky grey and bleeding from his ears.>

<Scene. Int. Voyager. Bridge>

<KEITH is now wearing an ensign's uniform, and is helping Ed out with monitoring continuity.>

KEITH: Kill me, kill me now!

DM: You can't die here.

ED: I should know. My death, and their prevention of it resulted in hours of work for me.

<SEVEN comes onto the BRIDGE from the TURBOLIFT, being followed by JOXER and MEDDLING MICK.>

SEVEN: Captain, two new recruits to see you.

JANEWAY: Thankyou Seven.

<JOXER and MICK see KEITH.>

JOXER: Ha, ha, ha!!!!!!!! He's stuck here with us too!!!!!!!!!

MICK: I miss my girlfriend.

KEITH: I still have the Bonnie Langford Doll with me, so one word out of you about scrotums and bottoms, and you'll get an earful of it!

DM: Is the Bonnie Langford Doll a plot device?

KEITH: Yes, yes it is.

DM: YES!!!!!!!!!! We can use it to destroy the prison and break out of here!!!!!!!!

ED: But when you arrived on Voyager, you were naked.

KEITH: Well I put it in a safe place.

ED: Oh. But wouldn't those horny bastards have hit it.

KEITH: It's in a very, very safe place. Could I have some help getting it out please?

<Int. Prison. Int Voyager, Int. SICKBAY.>

<KEITH is lying on a BIOBED, trousers down around his ankles. ED, JOXER MEDDLING MICK and DANGERMOUSE are trying to extract the BONNIE LANGFORD DOLL.>

KEITH: Is this going to take long?

JOXER (Holding a pair of very, very, long FORCEPS): Found them!

ED: Pass them over here.

<JOXER passes ED the FORCEPS. ED inserts the FORCEPS up KEITH's anal passageway.>

KEITH: Ohh! Ooooooooh! AAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

ED: Keith, stop enjoying this, you're freaking me out!

KEITH: Sorry Ed. Ohh yeah!!

ED: I've got it!!

KEITH: Yup, that's it Ed!

MICK: Pull Ed, pull!!

ED (straining, pulling on the pair of very long FORCEPS): It's stuck on something!!!

<The EMH is activated.>

EMH: Please state the nature of the medical emergency. (notices action at BIOBED.) And just what are you doing in mmmmmmmmmmy sickbay!

ED: We couldn't get you to switch on, so I thought I'd do this myself.

EMH: And what medical qualifications do you have, hmmmm.

ED: I got my First Aid badge at Scouts.

EMH: Perhaps I should take over. Objects being extracted from anal passageways is not a part of First Aid training for Scouts, if I recall correctly.

DM: Computer, disable EMH, authorisation: mouse-alpha-1!

EMH: Now just a min-

<EMH fades away.>

ED: Here it comes!

KEITH: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<ED pulls out the FORCEPS, with KEITH's STOMACH and LIVER clasped in their grasp.>

KEITH: Did you get it?

ED: Umm..no. We got a little suprise though!

KEITH: It must be left over from the rituals on the planet of the Nymphomaniacs. I remember one of them, Seven I think it was, oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh Seven! Em, inserting something up my arse.

ED (Pushing LIVER and STOMACH back in): Hang on, I think we've got it.

KEITH: YES! YES! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!

<ED pulls out the FORCEPS, with a rather dirty BONNIE LANGFORD DOLL, clasped in their grasp.>

ED: We'd better wash and disinfect the doll before using it to make our escape.

KEITH: Can I get dressed now?

ED: If you really want to.

KEITH: Hmm...

<Scene. Int. The SECRET PASSAGEWAY.>

<J2RIDER is now orange, with green gunk leaking from his nose.>

CAMERON: I'm tired of this!!!!!! I'm going to bed!

KATE: Where?

CAMERON: In here.

<CAMERON points inside a DORMITORY.>

CAMERON: We can sleep here for the night.

MAPPY: Won't it be erm, how should I put this, cramped?

DA CAT BADGE: Think of its as getting cosy with your fellow posters.

ADAM RICHARDS: I can think of a few posters I'd like to get cosy with!

CAMERON: No hanky panky: just sleep, please!

ADAM: Fine, but I've got all this frustration to work off.

CAMERON: You can work it off on THE LONG HAIRED ONE.

ADAM: Oh goody!

<They walk into the DORMITORY.>

<Int. DORMITORY. Night.>

<J2RIDER is standing in the corner, now purple colour, with magenta gunge pouring from his mouth.>

<CAMERON is asleep in a bed. In the next bed is MAPPY.>

ADAM RICHARDS: Dammit, I'm tossing restlessly!

MAPPY: No hanky panky! You heard what Cameron said. Now take your hand off it and go to sleep!

ADAM: I'm not tossing tossing, I'm trying-to-get-to-sleep tossing.

MAPPY: Oh...

<MAPPY glances across at THE AUTHORS, who are huddled together whispering.>

MAPPY: What are they doing?

KATE: We are telling bedtime stories in a competition.

MAPPY: Who's winning?

KATE: We are currently arguing over the metaphysics of Lance's story.

MAPPY: Yeah...Uh-huh...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

<MAPPY has fallen asleep.>

ADAM: Oh, shit! Umm, zzzz....zzzzz I'm asleep!

KATE: No you're not! Now in order to properly understanding the reasoning behind the metaphorical meaning of the character of The Other, you need to understand the following atypical character types...

<KATE sees that ADAM has fallen asleep, with everyone else now in a deep sleep.>

LANCE: Thank God they're all asleep! Back to the strip poker game. Now Jon you lost that round so: take it off, take it off, take it off...

<The other authors take up the chant.>

THE AUTHORS: Take it off!!! Take it off!!!

JON: Fine.

<He removes a royalty check from the band of his boxers.>

AUTHORS: YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!

<Int. Prison. Int Voyager. A corridor.>

<ED, KEITH, JOXER and MICK are walking down the corridor BONNIE LANGFORD DOLL held by KEITH out in front of them. KEITH is naked.>

KEITH: Man, you won't believe the advantages of being naked, letting it all hang out, it's freedom!!!!!

ED: And considering your tackle, letting it all hang out might be an advantage!

KEITH: Huh???

ED: Your meat and two veg are very large servings!

KEITH: What the fudge are you talking about????????

ED: You have very large genitals.

KEITH: Really???!!!!!!!!!

Then why won't my girlfriend stay with me??

ED: What do you take off first: Shirt or pants?

KEITH: Shirt.

ED: Take your pants off first, shirt first is scary on you.

KEITH: Right.

MICK: Next to you Keith, I'm starting to feel a little inadequate.

KEITH: Oh yeah!!!!! Scrotum boy is feeling unworthy next to me!!!!

<JANEWAY, PARIS and SEVEN are coming down the corridor.>

JANEWAY: Stop right there! Out down the doll!!

KEITH: Eat this bitchwhore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<KEITH presses the back of the BLD.>

BLD: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<SEVEN and PARIS explode.>

JANEWAY: Activate the hair maneuver!

<JANEWAY'S HAIR detaches from JANEWAY'S HEAD.>

JANEWAY'S HAIR: BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!

KEITH: Eat my pubes!!!!!!!!!!

<He fires up the BLD.>

BLD: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JANEWAY'S HAIR: GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!

<JANEWAY'S HAIR flakes and breaks up.>

JANEWAY: MY hair!!!!!!!!! MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KEITH: Eat this BITCHQUEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BLD: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<JANEWAY explodes.>

KEITH: BITCHIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BLD: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<Ext. Space. Shot of VOYAGER.>

<VOYAGER wobbles before breaking up into thousands of tiny pieces, in time to the beat of Doctorin' the TARDIS.>

<Int. PRISON>

<The PRISON now is a room with four white walls and no door.>

<DANGERMOUSE reappears.>

DM: I'm free! And so are your nuts by the look of things Keith.

JOXER: Now how do we get out of here!

DM: We need to break down a wall.

JOXER: How???!!!

KEITH: With this!!!!!!

<KEITH gets the BLD.>

BLD: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

<A wall collapses.>

KEITH: I've broken down the fourth wall!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DM: Great! that means audience interaction!!!!!

MICK [To audience (That's you dear reader!)]: Hi kids!

JOXER: I don't think little children will be watching or reading this.

MICK: Oh. (To audience) Hi dirty old perverts!

JOXER: Great. There goes our audience! You eeeeeediot Mick!!!!!

<CANNED LAUGHTER can be heard echoing around the room.>

ED: If we sneak off quietly, they may disappear.

DM: Or we could ignore them.

KEITH: Or I could just do this.

<KEITH pulls out the BLD.>

EVERYONE ELSE: NO KEITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BLD: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Audience monitors shatter.)

DM: Great Keith! You destroyed our audience!

KEITH: Whoopsie! Just got caught up in the moment.

<KEITH sneaks out through where the wall used to be. MICK, JOXER ED and DM follow him.>

<Int. Headquarters of THE LONG HAIRED ONE.>

TROLL#1: Master, the prison has been destroyed!!

TLHO: (face obscured, voice muffled): What!!!!!

TROLL#2: A plot device had be snuck in.

TLHO: Is the Mist still operational?

TROLL#1: Yes.

TLHO: Excellent. Release him.

<Int. CAPITOL CATACOMBS. A corridor.>

KEITH: We need to reach the surface, don't we?

DM: Yes. In order to find THE LONG HAIRED ONE'S base.

KEITH: This way is up isn't it?

JOXER: Yes.

<They walk along the corridor. Suddenly, a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE jumps out in front of them.>

KEITH: YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<Int. DORMITORY. Day.>

<J2RIDER is now gween and spitting chunks.>

CAMERON: Ready to move on now?

<CAMERON sees THE AUTHORS. They are very sleepy.>

CAMERON: Burning the midnight oil eh, working on your new submission?

KATE: Something like that...

MAPPY: Let's move on!

CAMERON: This way!

<They all exit the DORMITORY.>

<Int. Corridor.>

<J2RIDER'S head is spinning, spewing black gunk everywhere.>

KATE: Lookout, FANWANK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CAMERON: Shizers!!!!!!!!

<Coming towards them are an ICE LORD and TWO ICE WARRIORS.>

ICE LORD: It issssssssssssssssssss time for you all to die sssssssssssslowly!

ICE WARRIOR#1: Ssssssssssssssssshall we kill them now my lord?

ICE WARRIOR#2: Sssssssssssssurly their deathsssssssssssss mussssssssst come now!

AZAXYR: My herosssssssssssss!

SNARKY: Now that I've got you back I won't have you falling in with the wrong crowd my cuddly, cuddly, snookums!

AZAXYR: You're no fun!

<AZAXYR pouts.>

SNARKY: Don't look at me like that!

AZAXYR (expression relaxes): I can't stay angry at you too long. Come here and give me a hug!

<SNARKY and AZAXYR hug.>

EVERYONE: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

ICE LORD: No. We musssssssssssssssst interrogate them for our massssssssssssster: THE LONG HAIRED ONE, then they all sssssssssshall perisssssssssh!

CAMERON: Not if I can bloody help it!

<CAMERON pulls out the PLOT DEVICE and concentrates. The PLOT DEVICE now looks like a FLAME THROWER.>

CAMERON: Eat flames bitches!!!!!!!!!!

<CAMERON torches the ICE WARRIORS.>

ICE LORD: I'm melting! I'm meltinnnnnnnnnnnggggggggg!!!!!

<The ICE WARRIORS are now piles of muck on the ground.>

<A FIGURE steps out from behind a pillar. It is PROFESSOR BERNICE SUMMERFIELD.>

BENNY: Now who the cruk did that!!!

CAMERON: Me.

BENNY: You utterly stupid frag of a man! That was my big chance to learn about Martian culture, and you had to go and spoil it!

CAMERON: I'm sorry, but they were going to kill us!

PAUL CORNELL: Benny? It's me!

BENNY: Who the fragging cruk are you?

PAUL: Your creator!

BENNY: So you created me. I thought that you would be taller.

PAUL: Well, I was squashed by an elevator I was repairing.

KATE: You wouldn't know how to repair an elevator!

PAUL: OK then! I'm short!!!!!

BENNY: You wouldn't happened to have seen the Doctor around, would you?

CAMERON: No, but we are trying to find him, and defeat: THE LONG HAIRED ONE!!!

BENNY: There's no need to shout.

CAMERON: But that's how you say: THE LONG HAIRED ONE.

BENNY: Riiiiight. Now, how about we join forces then, and combine our talents to track down a certain medical man.

KATE: Can I have a drink, I'm feeling a little parched.

BENNY: Sure, go right ahead. The supply of brandy is everlasting thanks to a certain mutual friend.

PAUL: I never wrote that.

BENNY: Well you'd better cruking well write it in now!!!

<BENNY passes KATE the HIPFLASK. KATE starts drinking.>

KATE: Ahhhhhhhh! That really hits the spot!

BENNY: Tasty, isn't it?

<KATE passes BENNY back the HIPFLASK.>

CHARLES: I wonder if I have time to do BNA parodies...

BENNY: You'd better crukking do it properly, or I'll slosh you one.

CHARLES: That's a great line!

BENNY: Really? Thanks!

KATE: Stop the self congratulations, it the most blatant for of author wanking you can get!

ADAM: But the Pen is!

CAMERON: Adam....

ADAM: Ok, ok, no hanky panky, but this isn't hanky panky?

CAMERON: But it is when the author is involved.

KATE: Let's get off this self-referencing crap, and GET ON WITH IT!!!!

CAMERON: There's a door up ahead. Could this be the answer we are looking for?

CHARLES: Try the door and find out!

CAMERON: Ready or not here we come!

J2RIDER: i HaVe FaIlEd My MaStEr! kIlL mE NoW!

DCB: Quit your whining and get moving!

<CAMERON opens the door. It is the entryway to the base of THE LONG HAIRED ONE.>

CAMERON: Through here!

CHARLES: Let's give this FANWANKER a kickin' he'll never forget!

BENNY: And rescue the Doctor!

<They all file through the doorway.>

<Int. Base of THE LONG HAIRED ONE.>

CAMERON: We're here!

CHARLES: What type of crap FANWANK created this??

<THE LONG HAIRED ONE swivels around in his chair.>

TLHO: I've been expecting you for a very, very, long time.

KATE: I thought you would be taller.

TLHO: Size isn't everything, my dear.

ADAM: I could say something here about Jonathan Blum, but I'm not going to.

JON: Good, because from this distance I could swing and not miss.

ADAM: Swing what? Ah shit!

<JON winds up.>

ADAM: Sorry Jon! You can namecheck me in your next book, and kill me off on Page One.

JON: Can it be a horrible, long drawn out death?

ADAM: Yes, so long as you don't hit me.

JON: OK then.

CAMERON: Show your face!

TLHO: To be unmasked is a bit of an anticlimax usually, but let's see how you enjoy this one, considering the clues that could lead you to guessing WHO I am.

J2RIDER: mAsTeR NoOoOoO!!!!!!!

TROLL#1: Avert your eyes!!!!!!!!

TROLL#2: Look away now, or be spoilt for ever!!!!!!

CAMERON: here comes the moment of unmasking!

<The LONG HAIRED ONE pulls off his mask, revealing the face of LAWRENCE MILES.>

KACHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!

CREDITS (In order of appearance)

CAMERON MASON

KEITH BROOKES

J2RIDER

KATE ORMAN

JONATHAN BLUM

LANCE PARKIN

CHARLES DANIELS

JOHN PEEL

GARY RUSSELL

JOHN NATHAN-TURNER

JANET FIELDING

TERRANCE DICKS

TROLL#1

William B. Davis

THE LONG HAIRED ONE

Cam Gap Lunn

TROLL#2

Tom Baker

CAPTAIN JANEWAY

Kate Mulgrew

SEVEN OF NINE

Jeri Ryan

HARRY KIM

Garrett Wang

TOM PARIS

Robert Duncan McNeill

NEELIX

Ethan Phillips

DANGERMOUSE

JOXER

MEDDLING MICK

EMH

Robert Picardo

MAPPY

DA CAT BADGE

ADAM RICHARDS

THE AUTHORS

Kate Orman

Jonathan Blum

Lance Parkin

Craig Hinton

Guy Clapperton

Helen Fayle

Daniel O'Mahony

Daniel Blythe

Paul Cornell

Dave Stone

VOICE OF THE BONNIE LANGFORD DOLL

Bonnie Langford

JANEWAY'S HAIR

William Shatner

CANNED LAUGHTER

The entire cast of this show

AUDIENCE

You

MYSTERIOUS FIGURE

Mary Lard

ICE LORD

David Banks

ICE WARRIOR#1

Sonny Caldinez

ICE WARRIOR#2

Stephen Fry

AZAXYR

SNARKY

PROFESSOR BERNICE SUMMERFIELD

Lisa Bowerman

THE LONG HAIRED ONE

Lawrence Miles

SPECIAL EFFECTS BY:

Mike Tucker

SPECIAL ASSISTANT TO MR MASON

Matt Marshall

DIRECTED BY:

Chris Clough

COPYRIGHT BBC 2000