THE REVENGE OF FANWANK.
Part 1.
By Cameron Mason
<Int. KEITH BROOKES's bedroom. It is dark and KEITH is under the covers.>
KEITH: Mmm...Victoria...Zoe...Ace...K9...probe me, K9...probe me with your long probe...K9!!!!
<KEITH springs up.>
KEITH: Woah, what a dream!
<He switches on the light.>
<His bedroom looks like Adric's room in the TARDIS, there are TOYS all around the room, with a MEMORY MIRROR, MAGIC ROBOT and CONSOLE taking centre place in the room. KEITH is wearing Adric's outfit as pyjama's>
KEITH: Mum! Did you let Gary Russell into the house again? You remember what happened last time you did that, don't you!!!
<KEITH opens his bedroom door>
KEITH: Mum did you lis-... Woah!!!
<Through KEITH's door is the TARDIS console room, as seen in TVM. KEITH steps through the door, and his door fades away.>
KEITH: Wow! So she really does exist!
<KEITH sees a figure approaching him.>
KEITH: Doctor, is that you?
<The figure approaches KEITH. It is CAMERON MASON.>
CAMERON: No it's me, Cameron. Follow me, as I have something important to show you.
<KEITH and CAMERON walk through the TARDIS>
CAMERON: I was the first to have been summoned by The Doctor.
KEITH: Why the hell did he get you first??
CAMERON: I'll explain later.
KEITH: Stop ripping of jokes from Curse of Fatal Death.
CAMERON: Fine, then I'll skip the rest of the jokes.
KEITH: Now what's this all about?
CAMERON: As you know there are infinite parallel universes. Now the ones we are dealing with are: our universe, The Doctor's universe, The potential adventures for the Doctor universe, and the FANWANK universe.
KEITH: What's the FANWANK universe?
CAMERON: It's a universe of horrors, where all the worst fan theories and stories are stored. It is normally sealed off from the rest of the continuums, but occasionally things escape from it, such as War of the Daleks, Legacy of the Daleks and Divided Loyalties.
KEITH: So?
CAMERON: Now an opening is forming in it, and the measures the Doctor put in place to close the hole are failing. The Doctor summoned me and ventured into the FANWANK universe. He didn't return.
KEITH: So that's why you summoned me?
CAMERON: Yes.
<Int. TARDIS. Environmental room. It looks like a village. All posters on RADW are here>
KEITH: So every poster is here, including HIM?
CAMERON: Well yes, his honey bunny insisted I bring him here.
<We see AZAXYR and SNARKY fighting.>
KEITH: So where are we heading?
CAMERON: Where do you think? The FANWANK universe to rescue the Doctor.
KEITH: Oh.
<KEITH sees ED JEFFERSON.>
KEITH: Why haven't you put Face of the Maltin on-line yet?
DA CAT BADGE: Yeah, and why isn't the cover on-line yet as well?
ED: Err, umm... Look, isn't that a Dalek???!!!
KEITH/DCB: Where???!!!
<Ed sneaks off.>
<JOHN LONG approaches AZAXYR and slaps him on the back.>
DCB: I see he's enjoying himself.
CAMERON: I see what you mean. Posters meeting face to face no longer want to flame each other.
<A fight breaks out between JOHN LONG and WILLIAM DECEMBER STAR.>
CAMERON: Guess that'll teach me to talk too soon.
<The sound of the Cloister bell rings throughout the TARDIS.>
CAMERON: We're approaching the gash into the FANWANK universe.
<Ext. The Vortex. The TARDIS is approaching the gash, a sucking dark hole in a section of the vortex.>
CAMERON: Everyone, to the console room!
JOHN LONG: Who died and made you boss?
YADS: Vizi's cohort is learning fast.
JOHN: What do you mean by that?
YADS: The apprentice has learnt a lot from his master.
JOHN: That's it! Into the kill-file.
YADS: Virtual death is no longer real.
JOHN: That I understand.
CAMERON: To answer your question John, The Doctor put me in charge, and I don't know why.
<The sounds of the TARDIS materialising echo through her interior.>
CAMERON: This lever operates the doors.
<He pulls the lever and the B/W screen falls from the ceiling and hits MAPPY.>
MAPPY: Ouch!
CAMERON: Sorry my mistake, it's this lever.
<He pulls the lever and the following information appears on the B/W screen.>
LOCATION: FANWANK UNIVERSE
TIME: ANY TIME
DANGER LEVELS: EXTREME
CAMERON: Ohh... it's this button.
<He presses the button and the doors open. Everyone leaves the TARDIS.>
<Int. Headquarters of THE LONG HAIRED ONE. It looks like the courtroom set of TOATL.>
TROLL#1: Master, the infidels have arrived.
TLHO: (face obscured, voice muffled): Excellent. Release the Mist!
TROLL#2: Aye, master!
<Ext. FANWANK UNIVERSE. Outside the TARDIS is a large field. In the field can be seen a large number of DALEKS and CYBERMEN involved in a battle.>
FETT: My God. The worst fanwank brought to life.
STEVE DAY: What about McCoy stories.
FETT: Oh, yeah. My God, second worst fanwank brought to life.
CAMERON: We must edge around them.
KEITH: Why?
CAMERON: To get around them.
KEITH: Oh.
CAMERON: Keith, why are you wearing Adric's outfit?
KEITH: I don't want to talk about it.
CAMERON: Keith... TELL ME!!
KEITH: MAKE ME!!!!
MAPPY: I have a Timelash video on standby if you don't tell him!
KEITH: Well, it's like this: Gary Russell found out about how much I like Divided Loyalties, so he shows his "gratitude" for this in a really strange way. Just don't ask about the first time it happened!!!
CAMERON: Well he's around here somewhere, so speak to him about it.
<The LURKERS, minds unable to take in what is around them, wander onto the field.>
ARPIT: Come visit my site!!!!!!!!!
MAPPY: Shut up!
<MAPPY shoves the TIMELASH VIDEO up ARPIT's bum.>
JOHN: Thanks MAPPY.
MAPPY: Oh, anytime.
ARPIT: Come and see my new fan video I made myself: Doctor Who - Timelash.
<An angry mob approach ARPIT. They are carrying FLAMING TORCHES, PITCHFORKS and SHOVELS.>
MOB MEMBER#1: Oooo arr oohhh, die ooo arhhh ooo Arpit, oo arhhh ooo!
<The mob carry away ARPIT.>
<The LURKERS are being killed by the DALEKS and CYBERMEN.>
CHARLES DANIELS: The Lurkers! They're all dead!!!! Now who's going to read the programme guide and not understand it!!!!!
MEDDLING MICK: Someone will be there to fill the gap.
JON BLUM: Look!
<The lurker's bodies are beamed out of the field in a rip-off the Star Trek effect.>
MICK: Where have the bodies gone?
JON: To whoever rules this land.
J2RIDER: mY lIfE's WoRk BrOuGhT tO lIfE.
KEITH: SHUT UP!!!!!
J2RIDER: mAkE mE!!!
<KEITH drags J2RIDER behind the TARDIS. Sounds of a fight can be heard.>
ED: He really lashing in to J2.
<KEITH comes out from behind the TARDIS.>
KEITH: He's run off, the wimp.
ED: Did you offer to show him your puppies?
<PC MIST walks through the field and up to ED.>
PC MIST: (To ED) You're nicked, me laddo.
ED: My beautiful creation, come to life!
<PC MIST leads ED away.>
KEITH: Now he's gone. Who can I share witty banter with?!
CAMERON: Me.
CHARLES: And me.
KEITH: So Cameron, have you seen my puppies.
CAMERON: No, and I don't want to.
<They keep walking past the field.>
<Ext. Desert landscape. Everyone is tired.>
KEITH: Where are we?
CAMERON: I'm guessing it's the location of another story.
KEITH: I'm thirsty!
<He sees a WATER TANK.>
KEITH: WATER!!!!
<We see a closer look of the tank. It is actually A VAT OF THE SEMEN OF A RIGHTEOUS MAN.>
CAMERON: Keith...
<KEITH ignores CAMERON and starts drinking from the VAT.>
KEITH: Mmmm!
CAMERON: Keith, that's not water.
<KEITH stops drinking.>
KEITH: Well what is it then???
CAMERON: It's your vat of the semen of a righteous man!
KEITH: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!
<TWO PINK DALEKS prance past.>
PINK DALEK#1: WHITE WEE WEE!!!
PINK DALEK#2: EXSPERMINATE! EXSPERMINATE!!!!!
<On the horizon a city comes into view.>
KEITH: Is that city what I think it is?
CAMERON: The Capitol. On Gallifrey
JON: But it's been destroyed.
CAMERON: (Shaking his head) Not for the FANWANK universe
MICK: Just so long as it isn't Pip and Jane's vision of Gallifrey!
<They all continue onto the CAPITOL.>
<Ext. Entry to CAPITOL.>
JON: Do we have the right to enter this place??!!
CAMERON: Yes. This is just FANWANK.
JON: Oh, right.
<They all pass through the entry way.>
<Int. CAPITOL. It is dark and gloomy.>
CAMERON: I guess this is the place.
KEITH: Why is that?
CAMERON: The Valeyard, some Daleks, a squadron of Cybermen and Yartek, leader of the alien Voord are coming menacingly towards us.
<KEITH looks ahead. The VALEYARD, some DALEKS, a squadron of CYBERMEN and YARTEK, leader of the alien Voord are menacingly approaching them.>
KEITH: Bugger. <He sees something on the ground.> What's this?
CAMERON: It looks like a plot device.
KEITH: How do I use it?
PETER ANGHELIDES: Simple. It's anything you want it to be.
KEITH: Oh, right.
<The PLOT DEVICE turns into a BONNIE LANGFORD DOLL.>
CAMERON: You fool Keith! What the hell are we going to do with that thing.
KEITH: This.
<KEITH presses a switch on the back of the BONNIE LANGFORD DOLL.>
BLD: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<The VALEYARD, the DALEKS, the squadron of CYBERMEN, YARTEK, leader of the alien VOORD and PETER ANGHELIDES disintegrate.>
KEITH: Whoops. Sorry about that.
JON: He'll turn up again.
JOXER: There's nothing like the thwack of leather on Willow.
KEITH: Why did you say that???
JOXER: So that Mick can say this.
MICK: There's nothing like the thwack of my scrotum against my girlfriend's bottom.
KEITH: BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!
<Keith presses the button on the back of the BONNIE LANGFORD DOLL.>
BLD: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<MICK, JOXER and THE GARETHS disintegrate.>
CAMERON: Why the bloody hell did you do that Keith????
KEITH: My finger slipped.
CAMERON: Get out my sight you immature juvenile!!
<KEITH falls to the back of the group. As the group moves forward, KEITH falls even further behind. He passes by a doorway and a FIGURE beckons him.>
THE FIGURE: kEiTh, CoMe WiTh Me AnD i'Ll GeT gAnG wArFaRe PuBlIsHeD.
KEITH: You will! Oh goody!
<KEITH follows the FIGURE into the room. There are sounds of a struggle, and KEITH exits the room.>
<Int. CAPITOL. A corridor.>
CAMERON: All these corridors look the same.
JONN: They do look the same, don't they.
CAMERON: Hang on there is something different!
<They pass a pot plant.>
JON: This place looks very familiar...
CAMERON: It's...
KATE: The Brigadier's office in a short story I once wrote!
<Int. Brigadier's office>
CAMERON: Shizer! This place is more dangerous than I thought!
JON: Why?
CAMERON: Vampires!
<Two VAMPIRES walk towards the group. They take DA CAT BADGE>
VAMPIRE #1: You belong to uzzzzzzzz!
VAMPIRE #2: You will be like uzzzzzzzz!
DCB: No!
<DA CAT BADGE pulls out a stake. He stakes VAMPIRE #1 who pulls it out and laughs.>
DCB: Shit!
CAMERON: Please let it be here!
<CAMERON sees another PLOT DEVICE.>
CAMERON: Right!
<THE PLOT DEVICE turns into a copy of DIVIDED LOYALTIES.>
CAMERON: Excellent! (to VAMPIRES) Oy, garlic breaths! look at this!
<CAMERON walks towards the VAMPIRES holding the book out in front of him.>
VAMPIRES: HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!
CAMERON (reading from DIVIDED LOYALTIES): "Rallon smiled. "Because she wants adventure as much as you or I, Doctor. And," and he reached across conspiratorially, "Because if it were you or me, we'd take risks. Silly risks."
VAMPIRE #1: ARGGGGGGH!
<VAMPIRE #1 explodes.>
VAMPIRE #2: BAZZZZZZZZZZZZZTARD!!!!!!
<VAMPIRE #2 explodes.>
<CAMERON drops the book in disgust.>
CAMERON: I think I'm going to be sick!!!!!!!
DCB: Thanks Cameron!
CAMERON: Anytime.
KATE: Here's the way out.
<They file out through the door. CAMERON ducks back and picks up the copy of DIVIDED LOYALTIES.>
<Int. CAPITOL CATACOMBS>
ED: Where are you taking me.
PC MIST: To the other prisoners, me laddo!
ED: But I am your creator. You must do my bidding.
PC MIST: I no longer serve you. I serve: THE LONG HAIRED ONE.
ED: Who's that.
PC MIST: The lord of this place. Keeper of the FANWANK Universe. He created it.
ED: Oh. Can I not be whipped. I have an aversion to pain.
PC MIST: Here is the prison.
<PC MIST unlocks a door. He pushes ED through it.>
PC MIST: Enjoy yourself, with the banished ones.
<PC MIST locks the door.>
<Int. Prison.>
ED: Shite! What is this place???!!!
<The PRISON looks like the bridge of the Starship VOYAGER.>
DANGERMOUSE: It is a prison of my own torment, created by: THE LONG HAIRED ONE
ED: That's all very well and good, but why am I here??!!
DM: Because, I was the first one put in here. Our torment will last up to 70 years.
ED: GOD NO!!!!!!!!!
<The TURBOLIFT opens. Out of it comes CAPTAIN JANEWAY, ENSIGN KIM and SEVEN OF NINE.>
JANEWAY: Well, Ensign Mouse, who do we have here?
KIM: It appears to be human, Captain.
SEVEN: I detect fear, and sexual arousal from it.
JANEWAY: Get him seen to by The Doctor, and kit him out in uniform.
<SEVEN and KIM seize Ed and drag him towards the turbolift.>
ED: I've got to get out of here!
<Int. Capitol. Another corridor.>
JON: Where are we going.
CAMERON: We are going to the centre of operations of whoever is in charge of this place.
JON: Why do you think it's here.
CAMERON: Look at the sign.
<There is a sign on the wall. It reads: THIS WAY TO HEADQUARTERS OF THE LONG HAIRED ONE, with an arrow pointing to their right.>
JON: Right. Damn Doctor, why couldn't he have waited until he gotten all of us before coming to this accursed place.
CAMERON: I've got no idea, perhaps we are plan B.
KATE: It's the worst plan B I've ever heard of.
CAMERON: Like hell it is.
<Int. Prison - SICKBAY.>
<The EMH is checking over Ed Jefferson.>
EMH: Well Mr Jefferson, I can give you a clean bill of health.
ED: Bugger that. GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!
EMH: Well, you're not leaving Voyager for a very long time. Seventy years in fact.
ED: Oh God!
EMH: Invoking a higher power won't help either.
<NEELIX enters the SICKBAY, carrying a tray. On it is a meat dish.>
NEELIX: Doctor, I thought that our new ensign might like a welcoming meal, to make him feel more at home.
EMH: Eat up ensign, or you'll end up on the menu for dinner.
NEELIX: Ah, Doctor, don't you think your humour subroutines need a little...
EMH: "A little..."
NEELIX: A little tweaking.
<ED grabs a sharp steak knife off the dinner tray.>
ED: Die long haired freak!
<ED stabs NEELIX several dozen times. NEELIX dies.>
EMH: Securi-
<ED smashes up the consoles in SICKBAY>
ED: I've got to get out of here, I've GOT to.
<He leaves SICKBAY.>
<Int. PRISON - Voyager HOLODECK.>
<ED is in the middle of the HOLODECK, which is in 'off' mode.>
ED: Computer, create new programme, Jeferson1.
COMPUTER: Jefferson1 is active.
<The HOLODECK doors open. Enter JANEWAY, CHACOTAY and NEELIX.>
JANEWAY: Chacotay, I'd like you to meet Ensign Jefferson, our new continuity officer.
ED: God no!
CHACOTAY: If you're a religious man, I suggest you attend the service for Ensign Braga.
ED: What did he die of?
CHACOTAY: He was your predecessor. His brain imploded, trying to make sense of our last adventure.
ED: I'm doomed! (He sees NEELIX>) What the f- I killed you!
NEELIX: Killed me, no. You ate your meal and headed for the holodeck for some R & R.
JANEWAY: We'll leave you to it. See you at 0800 on the Bridge tomorrow Ensign.
<JANEWAY, CHACOTAY and NEELIX exit the HOLODECK. DANGERMOUSE enters the HOLODECK.>
ED: I killed Neelix and smashed up Sickbay, but to them it never happened. I'll go insane!
DM: You can't kill them. They just carry on like nothing happened to them. What position are you?
ED: Continuity Officer.
DM: You're doomed!
ED: I know. Hold me.
DM: Well, so long as no-one is watching us.
<DM holds ED.>
<Later in the MESSHALL. KIM is telling a story. Half the crew are asleep.>
KIM: And that is how I defeated the ray phase shifted parallax alien being from the planet Zog using tachyon bursts!
ED: Please let this end. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LET THIS END!!!
JANEWAY (over comm system): Ensign Jefferson to the Bridge.
ED: At last!
<Int. Prison. BRIDGE. ED is monitoring continuity.>
ED: What's this device?
<DANGERMOUSE appears.>
DM: It's a Deathbox. It prevents death.
ED: That gives me an idea. Permission to report to sickbay.
JANEWAY: Granted.
<Later on the BRIDGE.>
EMH (over comm system): Captain, my mobile emitter is missing.
JANEWAY: I'll have someone look for it right away.
ED: Look at the Deathbox!
<The DEATHBOX is crackling energy.>
KIM: I'll shut it down.
<The DEATHBOX is shutdown.>
ED: Goody!
<ED slits his wrists with a rusty blade.>
ED: TOO... MUCH... PAIN!!!!!!!!!!
<ED dies.>
JANEWAY: He's dead. To the implausible time travel plotline!
<Int. SCIENCE LAB. JANEWAY is talking to KIM and SEVEN.>
JANEWAY: Kim, Seven, you'll go back in time and replace the Doctor's mobile emitter with this fake, which will create a fake surface on the Deathbox, this will crackle, and THIS will be shutdown, and Ensign Jefferson won't die. Now go!
<SEVEN and KIM fade away.>
<Int. SICKBAY before ED gets there. The EMH is offline>
SEVEN: There's the emitter.
<KIM makes the switch.>
<SEVEN and KIM fade away.>
<Later on the BRIDGE as before.>
EMH (over comm system): Captain, my mobile emitter is missing.
JANEWAY: I'll have someone look for it right away.
ED: Look at the Deathbox!
<The DEATHBOX is crackling energy.>
KIM: I'll shut it down.
<The DEATHBOX is shutdown.>
ED: Goody!
<ED slits his wrists with a rusty blade.>
ED: It didn't work!!!!!!!!!!
<SEVEN and KIM fade out of existence, then back into existence.>
JANEWAY: Ensign, we just saved your life. Now what do you have to say.
ED: You BITCHWHORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JANEWAY: You're welcome. Now you must solve the continuity issues of us knowing about your suicide, then preventing it, preventing us from knowing about your suicide.
ED: GOD NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<Int. CAPITOL. corridor. KEITH makes his way to the front of the group.>
CAMERON: Hi Keith, look what I've got, a copy of Divided Loyalties. Now can someone lend me a match?
KEITH: Divided Loyalties? Burn it, that book REALLY sucks!
CAMERON: Err, Keith could you come here a second?
<CAMERON takes Keith into a room.>
<Int. room>
KEITH: What's wrong wiTh Me hatIng DiVidEd LoYaLtIeS?
CAMERON: You're one of the only people to like the book that's on-line. (looks at KEITH) What's wrong with you Keith? You look different.
<Cameron pulls off KEITH's face to reveal J2RIDER's>
CAMERON: God no! Keith's been fanwanked!
KACHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!
VOICEOVER DURING CREDITS:
What happened to Keith Brookes?
Will Ed Jefferson escape the Voyager, or will he be condemned to seventy years of monitoring continuity?
Will Snarky ever make up with Cuddles?
Where is the Doctor?
And just who is "The Long-Haired One", and what does he or she want with our heroes?
Find out in the next instalment of "The Revenge of FANWANK", coming soon to a newsgroup near you!
CREDITS (In order of appearance)
CAMERON MASON
KEITH BROOKES
AZAXYR
SNARKY
DA CAT BADGE
ED JEFFERSON
JOHN LONG
WILLIAM DECEMBER STAR
DAVID YADALLEE
MAPPY
TROLL#1
William B. Davis
THE LONG HAIRED ONE
Cam Gap Lunn
TROLL#2
Tom Baker
FETT
STEVE DAY
ARPIT
ANGRY MOB
The cast of Star Trek: Voyager in bad wigs
The cast of The X Files
MOB MEMBER#1
Donald Trump
CHARLES DANIELS
MEDDLING MICK
JON BLUM
J2RIDER
PC MIST
Simon Rouse
PINK DALEK#1
Julian Clary
PINK DALEK#2
Eddy Izzard
THE VALEYARD
Michael Jayston
THE DALEKS
The surviving producers of Doctor Who
THE CYBERMEN
David Banks
A shop dummy
Two sheep
YARTEK, LEADER OF THE ALIEN VOORD
Matthew Waterhouse
PETER ANGHELIDES
BONNIE LANGFORD DOLL'S VOICE
Bonnie Langford
JOXER
THE GARETHS
Gareth Parker
Gareth Thomas
Gareth Sunley
Gareth Humphreys
Gareth Jenkins
Gareth G. Jelley
Gareth Preston
Gareth Suddes
JONN ELLEDGE
KATE ORMAN
VAMPIRE #1:
Mike Tucker
VAMPIRE #2:
Robert Perry
DANGERMOUSE
David A. McIntee
CAPTAIN JANEWAY
Kate Mulgrew
ENSIGN KIM
Garret Wang
SEVEN OF NINE
Jeri Ryan
EMH - The Doctor
Robert Picardo
NEELIX
Ethan Phillips
COMPUTER VOICE
Majel Barret-Roddenberry
CHACOTAY
Robert Beltran
SPECIAL EFFECTS BY:
Mike Tucker
SPECIAL ASSISTANT TO MR MASON
Matt Marshall
ADVERTISING:
Cardinal Snarky
DIRECTED BY:
Chris Clough
COPYRIGHT BBC 2000