MACRO POLO
Episode 1 - The Spoof of the World.
By Cameron Mason
Scene 1: Exterior The TARDIS
(A Snowy Pass in a bleak mountainous range. ALRYSSA and KEITH are outside the TARDIS: KEITH is kneeling down trying to look up ALRYSSA's dress before looking down at the ground and seeing a giant footprint.)
KEITH: Check out this fucking big footprint.
(ED emerges from the TARDIS, and kneels next to KEITH in a futile attempt to look up ALRYSSA's dress before giving up and looking at the footprint.)
KEITH: What do you make of this?
ED: Well, she could be wearing frilly silk knickers, but... oh, the footprint, buggered if I know.
(KEITH hadn't thought of that.)
KEITH: Oh, well I suppose they could be frilly...
(The DOCTOR struggles breathlessly from the ship.)
ED: You alright Doctor?
DOCTOR: Yes.. Oh, a little bit out of breath. Oh, that's quite understandable. After all, we're several thousand feet above sea level.
KEITH: So where the hell are we Grandfather?
(The DOCTOR is prepared to take credit, even if he does not know where they are.)
DOCTOR: Well, I directed the ship towards Earth and it looks as though I've been successful!
KEITH: (Pointing to the footprints) Well explain those then!
DOCTOR: That? Oh, I can't see anything without my glasses! Anyway, I don't like this place! You'll have to excuse me... I've got a lot of work to do first
(He bustles back into the TARDIS, mumbling to himself.)
ED: Alryssa, I wonder... do you think it could be the Earth? If it were, do you fancy a shag?
ALRYSSA: You'd be lucky to get in my pants Ed.
KEITH: He he he, Ed - the spoof of the world!
ED: The spoof of the world? I wonder... If only... You little bugger! You've got as much chance of getting into Alryssa's pants as I do! But as for the Doctor... Mustn't count on it.
(The DOCTOR emerges once more from the TARDIS, in a panic.)
DOCTOR: Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear! We're always in trouble! Isn't this extraordinary - it follows us everywhere!
ED: What's the matter?
DOCTOR: All the lights in the ship have gone out! The whole circuit has burned itself to a cinder, and added to that it affected the water - we haven't got any!
ED: Well, what do you think we're surrounded by!... plenty of it... but how about the heating?
DOCTOR: Oh, the heating as well! Everything's gone to pot!
ALRYSSA: Pot? What have you done with my pot!
(The DOCTOR turns angrily to ALRYSSA)
DOCTOR: Pot!... Are you telling? - there's no need for you to tell me that, really!
ED: I think I'd better try and find some fuel.
DOCTOR: Fuel? Now where on earth do you expect to find fuel here, hmm?
(ED is irritated by the DOCTOR's fatalistic response.)
ED: Well, you'd make good kindling for a start.
DOCTOR: Oh well, I wish you luck, me, me, ME!
ALRYSSA: I'll come with you, Ed.
ED: Thank you.
KEITH: Yes, me too!
ED: No, Keith, you stay here, you're much too young for this.
DOCTOR: You stay with me, child. You might be able to help me.
KEITH: Fine, I'll stay here with the old bastard while you two get it on!
ED: That's the spirit! Oh, come on, Alryssa, we haven't much time!
DOCTOR: Now, Keith, go into the ship and fetch me the 2-L-O, will you? You know what it is. Even if I do find the fault, I don't suppose I shall be able to repair it before it gets dark, and then we shall all freeze to death!
(ED and ALRYSSA set off into the snow.)
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2. EXTERIOR MOUNTAINS
(Further down the mountain, ED and ALRYSSA are still struggling through the blizzard. ALRYSSA is exhausted.)
ALRYSSA: Ed, wait a minute. I... I must rest!
ED: What here? It isn't sheltered enough!
(ED isn't prepared to give up yet, and urges ALRYSSA on.)
ED: Come on, Alryssa! We haven't found anywhere suitable yet. We must find somewhere!
ALRYSSA: Alright then, you go on... I'll catch up with you.
ED: Alright.
(ED moves on into the blizzard, leaving ALRYSSA to herself for a moment.)
ALRYSSA: Oh, it's hopeless!
(Suddenly, she sees a dark figure through the snow and cries out.)
Ed! (ED rushes back.)
ED: You can't be ready for me yet!
ALRYSSA: Not yet! I... there was... there was an animal or something! Just standing there staring at me!
(She points in the direction she had seen the figure. ED looks and, apparently seeing nothing unusual, shrugs his shoulders.)
You don't believe me, do you? Well, look at these footprints!
(She draws his attention to the indentations in the snow. ED closely examines them.)
ED: I'd better take you back to the ship. I don't want to be involved in a peepshow!
(They head back the way they came.)
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3. EXTERIOR THE TARDIS
(The DOCTOR and KEITH are examining a broken piece of equipment from the TARDIS.)
KEITH: We're screwed, aren't we?
DOCTOR: No, but I'm afraid it's going to need a new one, dear... and it's going to take me days! Oh well... I don't know, really... I always seem to...
(ED returns, leading a distressed ALRYSSA.)
DOCTOR: Well, Jefferson?
ED: You were right you old bastard, nothing but snow and ice, and nowhere sheltered.
DOCTOR: Yes.
ALRYSSA: Have you found the fault?
DOCTOR: Yes, yes, yes, but it's going to take such a long time... and time we don't have! Now the only chance is to try and get down to a lower a-altitude and, er... er... you know... before it gets cold... and we...
ALRYSSA: Freeze our bits off. Doctor... there are strange things on the mountain. I- I saw one of them!
DOCTOR: What are you talking about now?
ED: Well, I only saw a print.
DOCTOR: Print? What sort of print - paws, hooves, what?
ED: To tell you the truth, I thought it was made by Alryssa on a high.
(ALRYSSA sounds very pissed off at ED's disbelief.)
ALRYSSSA: No, Ed, I have no pot left, the Doctor used it all, and I'm sure it wasn't human!
DOCTOR: And if it were, that means there's shelter nearby!
(Off in the distance, KEITH sees what appears to be a brightly coloured wagon, quickly travelling away from them.)
KEITH: Look!
(ALRYSSA sees it also.)
ALRYSSA: Look, there it is!
ED: Quick, after it! We might be able to buy a ride!
(KEITH attempts to trip the DOCTOR up as they hurry after the wagon.)
KEITH: Dammit, Grandfather!
DOCTOR: Alright. Yes, yes, yes, yes!
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4. MOUNTAINS
(The travellers quickly reach a pass in the mountains which obscures the view in any direction. The wagon has disappeared from view.)
ED: Where the fuck did it go?
(They have very little time to ponder before they suddenly find themselves surrounded by Usenet SOLDIERS.)
KEITH: Ah! Grandfather!
(ED tries to help them remain calm.)
ED: Keep still!
(Sensing they are in great danger, he tries to communicate with the SOLDIERS)
We're travellers, lost on the mountains. Will you give us shelter, in exchange for a striptease by our woman?
(KEITH and ALRYSSA make anxious noises, as the apparent leader of the group, DA CAT BADGE, steps forward.)
DA CAT BADGE: Hear me, Warriors... in these parts live evil spirits, who take our likeness to deceive us with their dancing nude women and then lead us to our deaths. Let us therefore destroy these evil spirits before they destroy us with their kinky perversions!
ED: We're not kinky perverts! We are people like yourselves!
DA CAT BADGE: Destroy them!
AMERICAN: Stop!
(The SOLDIERS prepare to kill the four travellers, but are interrupted by an AMERICAN man, who suddenly arrives on the scene.)
AMERICAN: Put up your killfiles!
DA CAT BADGE: Would you have us killed? These are kinky perverts!
AMERICAN: I command you in the name of Dave Yadallee!
(The SOLDIERS back off at the mention of this name. The AMERICAN looks at the DOCTOR, then turns to ED.)
The old man has the mountain sickness?
ED: Er, yeah, probably.
AMERICAN: My caravan is further down the pass... Come.
(He beckons to them to follow as he moves off, followed by the SOLDIERS.)
ED: Move it you old bastard!
DOCTOR: (coughing) Hm... hm...
(They set off after the AMERICAN.)
KEITH: Who the fuck is that crazy American, Alryssa?
ALRYSSA: I don't know, but I wouldn't mind shagging him.
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5. INTERIOR, A TENT
(Some time later, the AMERICAN leads the travellers into his tent, where a young girl is cooking some food.)
AMERICAN: We have guests, Sarah. They are cold and hungry.
SARAH: Yes, Messr. Charl-er, Macro.
ED: Sit down before I knock you down, Doctor.
(The DOCTOR does so, and SARAH brings him some soup.)
DOCTOR: Thank you, my dear.
(Taking note of the server and host, KEITH comments to ALRYSSA.)
KEITH: Not that like her, or any of the others, but I wonder is the girl good in bed?
ALRYSSA: No, he's an American, Keith, and he mentioned Dave Yadallee...
KEITH: Dave Yadallee?
ALRYSSA: He was a great Idiot leader, who conquered all of Usenet. He had an American in his service... He was a comedian and his name...
KEITH: How do you know this?
ALRYSSA: Errr...
KEITH: How would you know about this?
ALRYSSA: Keith, if you shut up about this, I'll give you a big surprise!
KEITH: Will you...
(He whispers in ALRYSSA's ear.)
ALRYSSA: Yes.
KEITH: Oh, goody!!!!!!
AMERICAN: (Referring to the soup) I'm afraid the... err... the liquid is not too warm, but the cold here is so intense, nothing can get hot, if you know what I mean.
DOCTOR: Oh, it's excellent nourishment, sir.
ED: (Correcting the AMERICAN) The cold can't affect the heat of bodies, as human's are warm blooded.
AMERICAN: Is your woman warm blooded?
ED: Well, I'm hoping to find out soon... just as she was the cause of Doctor's mountain sickness.
ALRYSSA: Is your name Macro Polo?
AMERICAN: Yes! Macro Polo, well, that's my cover name. My real name is Charles Daniels, my lady.
ED: If your name is Charles Daniels, why call yourself Macro Polo?
MACRO: The name is so mad - Macro Polo - like that other guy's name. Anyhow, who are you people?
DOCTOR: Oh we're... we're travellers... yes. Th-that's my grandchild, Keith, and that's Miss Kelly, and that's Jitterbug.
(He laughs to himself)
ED: (Correcting him) Jefferson you forgetful faggot! Ed Jefferson!
MACRO: My companions are the Lady Sarah Hadley and Warlord Da Cat Badge. We travel to rec.arts.drwho.
ALRYSSA: RADW? That's in the *rec hierachy, isn't it?
MACRO: *rec hierachy? I do not know this place... RADW is in Cyberspace!
ALRYSSA: Oh, silly of me. Yes, of course... Cyberspace!
MACRO: Well, you must all be very tired. Sarah, you will share your quarters with...?
(He indicates Keith)
KEITH: Keith.
MACRO: Keith. I will sleep here the Lady?
(He indicates ALRYSSA)
ALRYSSA: Miss Kelly.
MACRO: Miss Kelly, you two men will have mine.
ALRYSSA: Thank you.
ED: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
DOCTOR: Thank you... you saved our lives!
MACRO: I am rather curious to know why you were wandering around the mountainside at night, but questions can wait until morning.
DOCTOR: Oh, there-there-there were two, young man, that I would like to ask.
MACRO: Well, ask them.
DOCTOR: Er... what year is this and where are we, hmm?
MACRO: (surprised) You do not know? That must be powerful weed you use!
DOCTOR: Oh... that is why I'm asking you!
MACRO: How long have you been travelling? It is Two Thousand and Eighty Nine and this is the *alt area, known to those who travel to RADW as The Roof of Cyberspace.
ED: The Roof of Cyberspace?
(ALRYSSA goes over to the DOCTOR.)
DOCTOR: Two Thousand and Eighty Nine, ahhhhhhhhh, not now Alryssa!
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6. SARAH'S TENT (NIGHT)
(Later that night, KEITH and SARAH lie awake in their tent, restless.)
SARAH: Are you asleep, Keith?
KEITH: No.
SARAH: Where are you from?
KEITH: That's a very difficult question to answer, Sarah. How about a good root instead?
SARAH: You do not know where your home is?
KEITH: Well, I've had... many whores... in many places. What about you?
SARAH: I come from the *uk. My father is Usenet official there.
KEITH: But I thought Mr. Polo said that...
SARAH: Messr Macro! That's what we call him in Cyberspace...
KEITH: Well, I thought Ms...Messr. Macro said that you were going to RADW. Are you on holiday?
SARAH: No... Dave Yadallee's summer palace is in RADW... I am going there to be married.
KEITH: Damn! But how old are you?
SARAH: I am in my sixteenth year.
KEITH: Well, so am I!
SARAH: Do you marry at our age in your land? Here it is the custom.
KEITH: Where I come from it is our custom to sleep with those our own age.
SARAH: Really?
KEITH: So what's this man like?
SARAH: I have never seen him.
KEITH: What!?! He could be a dirty old man!
SARAH: The marriage has been arranged by my family. I know only two things about him.
KEITH: Well, what are they?
SARAH: He is very important man...
KEITH: Well, that's a good start.
(SARAH suddenly sounds very serious.)
SARAH: ...and he's seventy-five years old.
(KEITH gasps.)
KEITH: He is a dirty old man!
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7. EXTERIOR THE TARDIS (NIGHT)
(MACRO and DA CAT BADGE are sitting around a bonfire, quite near to the TARDIS.)
DA CAT BADGE: You should have let me kill them!
MACRO: Why? Because their clothes are different from ours... because their words are unfamiliar to our ears? Because they are freer with their women? No, Da Cat Badge, they are travellers.
DA CAT BADGE: They are evil spirits... sorcerers... perverts! Tomorrow, if we live until then, you may see that I speak the truth.
MACRO: I think the Sun's rays will dispel the shadows from your mind, Cat Badge.
DA CAT BADGE: Is that what you believe! Listen, the carriage they travel in has no wheels! It just stands there like a server on one end! And another thing... it is not large enough to carry four people.
MACRO: It must be!
DA CAT BADGE: I say it is not... and yet, I saw all four walk from it! Upon my kill-file, I swear it to you!
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8. EXTERIOR THE TARDIS (DAY)
(Time passes, and ED and ALRYSSA join MACRO and DA CAT BADGE by the fire. MACRO addresses ED as they arrive,)
MACRO: So, this is your caravan?
ED: Yeah, what's it to you?
MACRO: Where are the wheels?
ED: It doesn't have any.
MACRO: Then how does it move?
(ED gestures expansively)
ED: Through the air!
DA CAT BADGE: (To MACRO) Did I not say they that they were perverts?
MACRO: (changing the subject) Are you strange?
ED: No, why?
MACRO: Well, at the Khan's court in RADW, I have seen strange people make cups of wine fly through the air unaided and offer themselves to the Idiot Yads's lips. I do not understand it, but I have seen it!
(He turns to ALRYSSA and gestures towards the TARDIS.)
There is room for all of you inside here, Miss Kelly?
ALRYSSA: Yes.
(MACRO walks up to the TARDIS and indicates the doors.)
MACRO: And one enters here?
ALRYSSA: It's locked.
MACRO: Where is the key?
ALRYSSA: The Doctor has it, and you wouldn't let him come up here.
MACRO: Oh yes, he has the "mountain sickness". Have you the power to make it fly?
ED: No, only the Doctor has that power, and he won't share it with us, the bastard.
MACRO: Why is it here?
KEITH: It's damaged!
MACRO: What?
ED: Um, er... part of it is broken.
MACRO: But it could be moved by hand?
ED: Oh yes, if you had sufficient men.
MACRO: Well, we'll make a sledge and take it down the alt area... then we shall see!
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9. MACRO'S TENT
(Meanwhile, in the tent, SARAH is cooking breakfast, when the DOCTOR enters.)
DOCTOR: Sarah, this smells very, very good! What is it?
SARAH: Bean-sprout soup, my lord.
DOCTOR: Ah... mmm... allow me!
(He tastes the soup.)
Oh, it's delicious, delicious!
SARAH: My lord is kind.
DOCTOR: Hmm... you know... it's rather surprising to find the daughter of a high government official working as a servant in Marco Daniel's caravan.
SARAH: I wish to serve, my lord, although, among Messr. Macro's retinue, there is a man who calls himself a cook.
DOCTOR: His name wouldn't be Da Cat Badge, would it?
SARAH: (shocked) Oh no, my lord!... The Warlord Da Cat Badge is a special emissary from the camp of the great Lord of Sanity John Long, who has been at war with The Idiot Dave Yadallee.
DOCTOR: Hmm, yeah - Sanity fighting Idioticy. (laughs)
SARAH: The war is over, my lord. John Long has sued for peace and Da Cat Badge travels to Dave's court to discuss the armistice plans...
DOCTOR: Why is the war over?
SARAH: Long is very old and has realised that the Idiot Yads is an immortal, and gave up the fight.
DOCTOR: (laughing) Yes... oh well... yes... well... For an emissary of peace, he has rather bloodthirsty habits, doesn't he?
(MACRO POLO enters with ED, ALRYSSA and KEITH.)
MACRO: I find your caravan most unusual, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Yes... uh, Messr. Macro, it is different!
MACRO: And in need of repair?
DOCTOR: That is true, hmm.
KEITH: Messr. Macro has ordered a sledge to be made. He's going to bring the TARDIS down here.
DOCTOR: Oh indeed? That's charming of you... very charming of you! It won't take me very long to repair... a day or two... but I assure you that I shall not hold up your journey any longer than is necessary.
MACRO: I'm afraid we can't stay here... one crosses the Plain of *alt as quickly as possible. However, we will be spending a few days at *test.
ALRYSSA: *Test? Where's that?
MACRO: It's a town on the edge of the *xxx Desert, beyond *tv and *creative.
DOCTOR: I see, and you will be taking us along with you, including the TARDIS?
MACRO: Doctor, I once transported an entire army and its equipment from... ah, *rec to *tw... all without loss.
DOCTOR: Oh good!... good... then I can work as we proceed.
(The DOCTOR laughs. MACRO responds plainly.)
MACRO: Um... no.
DOCTOR: Why not, hmm?
MACRO: The Usenet bearers still half believe that you are evil spirits. They also believe that outside your caravan, you are harmless. However, should any of you attempt to enter, there would be trouble.
(quietly)
Yeah, man I want that caravan!
DOCTOR: Hmm...I see. You saved our lives, Messr. Macro... and the least we can do is to respect your wishes. No one will enter the TARDIS until we reach *test.
MACRO: Good.
(MACRO starts laughing, before ending up in a coughing fit.)
MACRO: Excuse me.
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10. MAP
(The caravan sets out on the journey to Lop, with the TARDIS in tow. The screen shows a map of the route, with MACRO's voice providing narration.)
MACRO: (oov) Success... my plan has worked! The strangers and their unusual caravan accompany me to Lop.
Our route takes us across the Roof of Cyberspace, down to the *talk Valley and southeast to *creative.
Here, we join the Old *sol Road, along which the commerce and culture of a thousand years has travelled to and from RADW. I wonder what the strangers' reaction will be when I tell them what I propose to do?
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11. EXTERIOR, MARKET
(MACRO's caravan arrives at the way station in the busy town of *test, where they are greeted by SNARKY, the proprietor.)
MACRO: My caravan is large, Snarky, so I shall need plenty of food and water before venturing out into the *xxx Desert.
(SNARKY goes off to make the necessary preparations for the caravan's stay.)
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12. INTERIOR, LODGINGS
(Later, the travellers are relaxing in the comfort of their new lodgings at the way-station.)
MACRO: Is the accommodation to your liking, Sarah?
SARAH: Thank you, Messr. Macro. It is most comfortable.
KEITH: Oh, I think it's shite!
SARAH: Shite? What is that, Keith?
KEITH: Well... it's... um... it means wonderful! It's a verb we often use on Earth.
(Sensing that KEITH is not thinking about what he says, the DOCTOR quickly changes the subject.)
DOCTOR: Oh, Messr Macro... these way-stations... do you have many of these in Usenet?
MACRO: Yes, the Dave has them dotted at regular intervals throughout his domain. Those who work in his service and wear the Dave's gold seal have the right to demand anything they may require: provisions, weed, horses, shelter.
DOCTOR: Hmm.
(KEITH is impressed with the seal MACRO has produced, and wants to look closer.)
KEITH: May I have a look, please?
MACRO: Of course.
KEITH: Thank you.
(KEITH hides the seal.)
ED: (Looking outside) Doctor!
DOCTOR: Yes?
ED: They've set the TARDIS up in the courtyard.
DOCTOR: Oh, excellent, excellent! Yes... well, if you'll pardon me, I have a lot of work to do and weed to smoke and...
(He trails off as he heads towards the TARDIS.)
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13. COURTYARD
(The DOCTOR makes to enter the TARDIS, but he is stopped by two of the USENET SOLDIERS, who prevent him from entering. He returns to confront MACRO in irritation at this turn of events.)
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14. INTERIOR, WAY-STATION
(The DOCTOR returns from the Courtyard.)
DOCTOR: What does this mean?
MACRO: Please sit down, Doctor.
DOCTOR: I don't wish to sit down... I want you to call your guards off!
MACRO: Please, be seated.
DOCTOR: No!
MACRO: I beg you to hear me out!
DOCTOR: But I have work to do!
(ALRYSSA tries to calm the DOCTOR down.)
ALRYSSA: I think, perhaps, we should listen to him... come on.
DOCTOR: (Not convinced) Oh! Very well! Bah!
(He sits down.)
MACRO: My home is America... I left there to come to Usenet in Twenty Seventy-One. The journey to RADW took us three and a half years. When I arrived at the Dave's court, I was twenty-one. I was an alert young man, good at languages, and willing to learn. The Dave liked me.
DOCTOR: Oh, really?
MACRO: On my twenty-fifth birthday, I was given an appointment in the Dave's service.
ALRYSSA: Twenty Seventy-Seven?
MACRO: It was, as you say, Twenty Seventy-Seven. Since then, I have travelled to every corner of his domain and beyond it. Two years ago, I asked the Dave for permission to go home. He refused. I think I had served him too well.
DOCTOR: Well, I really don't see what this has to do with my repairing the TARDIS!
MACRO: Doctor, I have not seen my home for eighteen years. I want to go back!
DOCTOR: Well, ask the Dave again!
MACRO: I intend to! But this time, I shall offer him a gift so magnificent that he will not be able to refuse me.
(ED suddenly sees what MACRO's intentions are.)
ED: You mean to give the Doctor's caravan to him?
MACRO: Yes.
(There is a very long pause. Finally, the DOCTOR speaks.)
DOCTOR: You're mad!
MACRO: You can make another.
DOCTOR: (exasperated) What! In RADW, or *creative?
(Still thinking his plan reasonable, MACRO attempts to allay the DOCTOR's fears)
MACRO: You do me an injustice, Doctor! I will not leave you stranded in Usenet, just as I did not let you die on the mountain. No, you will come with me to America and make another one there!
(The DOCTOR is even less convinced and more angry.)
DOCTOR: Oh... you think so... really? Oh no!... Oh no!
(ED starts to hit MACRO)
ED: Macro, it's fucking impossible!
MACRO: Surely, for a man who possesses a flying caravan, all things are possible?
ED: No! We need special metals, materials... things that don't exist in America! I'm afraid you don't fucking understand all the problems involved.
(The DOCTOR sees it getting more and more ludicrous.)
DOCTOR: And neither do you, young man!
MACRO: Well, travel home by ship! We trade with every port in the world. It may take you longer, but you'll get there eventually!
(The DOCTOR gives up hope of reasonable discourse)
DOCTOR: Eventually? He doesn't know what he's talking about. The man's a lunatic! Ho!
MACRO: No, Doctor... desperate. There are many men who are jealous of the Macro influence at court, and the Dave suffers from an affliction for which there is no cure.
ALRYSSA: What's that?
MACRO: Incoherence. If he dies, I may never see America again!
(The DOCTOR responds sulkily)
DOCTOR: Well, that is your problem, not mine!
MACRO: I have just made it yours, Doctor, so there!
(MACRO sticks his tongue out at the DOCTOR.)
(ALRYSSA is desperate to reason with MACRO.)
ALRYSSA: But you do see America again, Macro, I know you do!
ED: What makes you so sure that the Doctor's caravan is a suitable present? The Doctor is the only one who can fly it!
MACRO: I told you about the strange monks... they will discover its secret!
(The DOCTOR begins to laugh.)
A caravan that flies... do you imagine what this will mean to the Dave? It will make him the most powerful ruler the world has ever known; stronger than Azaxyr... mightier than John Nathan-Turner!
ED: Macro... you don't fucking understand!
(MACRO has had enough of the debate, and defiantly ends it.)
MACRO: I refuse to listen to any more. My mind is made up! Your caravan goes with me to Dave Yadallee !
(The DOCTOR laughs all the louder, while ALRYSSA tries to calm him down.)
ALRYSSA: Doctor, come on. Come and sit down.
DOCTOR: (Between laughs) Oh well... what a mess!
(KEITH also tries to calm him down)
KEITH: Grandfather... Grandfather!
DOCTOR: (Still laughing) Yes. Go by sea, he says!!
KEITH: Why are you laughing so hard? Have you taking your special medicine again?
ALRYSSA: Doctor, he's serious!
DOCTOR: I know he is! Yes!
(He continues laughing uncontrollably.)
KEITH: But what are you going to do?
DOCTOR: (Practically rolling about on the floor) I haven't the faintest idea! Oh, ho, ho, ho...!
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15. OUTSIDE *TEST
(Outside the city walls, a meeting is taking place between a mysterious STATS MAN and DA CAT BADGE. The MAN gives DA CAT BADGE a container of some sort.)
STATS MAN: Be careful, my lord. One drop will poison an army!
DA CAT BADGE: I will use it well... on all but the first of Macro Polo's water gourds, for tomorrow, the caravan sets out to cross the *xxx Desert. Now, you will follow us and on the third night, I will walk back to you... then we're gonna ride back here to *test, wait for two days and then... return to the caravan to collect the thing of magic that will bring the mighty Dave Yadallee to his knees!
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NEXT EPISODE : THE WAILING CATS
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CAST:
THE DOCTOR
ED JEFFERSON
KEITH BROOKES
ALRYSSA KELLY
DA CAT BADGE
CHARLES DANIELS
SARAH HADLEY
SNARKY
ALEX LAHURREAU
DIRECTED BY CAMERON MASON
COPYRIGHT BBC 2000