By Cameron Mason
AUNTIE'S WORLD ON THE SECOND MORNING
SCENE 1: AUNTIE'S WORLD
<A WOODED AREA.>
<THE DOCTOR and AUNTIE KRIZU are asleep naked under the trees.>
DOCTOR (muttering): Mother!!!!!!!!!!
<THE DOCTOR wakes up.>
DOCTOR: Huh? <THE DOCTOR realises that's he's naked> Aw crap!!!!!
AUNTIE: Morning!
DOCTOR: Erm, good morning Auntie. I'm just going to get dressed.
<THE DOCTOR picks up his clothes and turns around. AUNTIE KRIZU admires his rear.>
DOCTOR: Ah.
<THE DOCTOR hides behind the trees and starts getting dressed.>
AUNTIE: You know, I've been thinking about the Time Lords
DOCTOR: And?
AUNTIE: I think they are the most stuck up sexually repressed bunch of saddos ever!
DOCTOR: A-ha...
AUNTIE: They think they are the centre of the universe, but they are not!!!!!
<THE DOCTOR emerges from behind the trees fully clothed.>
DOCTOR: Why do you think I left the planet in the first place! Sometimes I just want to blow the whole damn planet up!!!!!
IRONY METRE: BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!
AUNTIE: What was that??!!
DOCTOR: My Irony Metre.
AUNTIE: Ah... Now where were you up to telling me about what happened on Earth?
DOCTOR: Let's see: Sam caught by Remote with Sarah, J2rider disappeared, I'm being tortured by the anti-books faction...
WHAT HAPPENED ON EARTH
[PART TWO]
SCENE 2: SARAH'S HOUSE
SARAH: K9, find the Doctor's TARDIS.
<K9 extends his probe.>
K9: TARDIS detected mistress.
SCENE 3: AN ALLEYWAY BEHIND THE BBC BOOKS OFFICE
<SARAH, K9 and CANNON FODDER run down the alley.>
SARAH: There she is.
<They run up to the TARDIS.>
SARAH: Cannon Fodder, can you reach into the cubby hole above the 'P'?
CANNON FODDER: Yes, Sarah.
<CANNON FODDER pulls out the SPARE TARDIS KEY and gives it to SARAH.>
SARAH: Thank you!
<SARAH unlocks the TARDIS door.>
K9: Entering TARDIS mistress.
<SARAH, K9 and CANNON FODDER enter the TARDIS.>
SCENE 4: THE TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM
<SARAH is at the CONSOLE.>
SARAH: I've set the controls to track down the Doctor.
<The CONSOLE bleeps.>
SARAH: She's found him!
SCENE 5: SAUDI ARABIA
<THE DOCTOR is gurning in his PRISON CELL.>
DOCTOR: Bleeeeeeeeeeer!! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRK!!!!!!!
<THE TARDIS MATERIALISES. SARAH comes out.>
SARAH: Doctor, we're here to rescue you!
DOCTOR: Not yet! - I have electro-shock therapy in half an hour!
SARAH: Not now!
<SARAH drags THE DOCTOR into the TARDIS.>
<THE TARDIS DEMATERIALISES.>
SCENE 6: SARAH'S HOUSE
<MIKE TUCKER opens a copy of PRIME TIME and JERAZK comes out of it.>
<MIKE TUCKER leaves.>
<THE TARDIS MATERIALISES.>
<SARAH, K9, CANNON FODDER and THE DOCTOR exit.>
DOCTOR: Thanks for rescuing me Sarah.
SARAH: Anytime Doctor. Please go and find Sam - I don't know what those people will do to her.
DOCTOR: Something permanent hopefully. Farewell for now!
CANNON FODDER: Bye Doc!
K9: Goodbye Master!
<THE DOCTOR enters THE TARDIS, JERAZK follows him.>
<THE TARDIS DEMATERIALISES.>
SCENE 7: THE TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM.
<THE DOCTOR is at the CONTROLS.>
DOCTOR: Time to pay a visit to the Planet of the Nymphomaniacs!
JERAZK: NoT sO fAsT dOcToR!!!!!!
DOCTOR: Oh for fuck's sake what now!
JERAZK: YoU wIlL hEaD tO tHeSe Co-OrDiNaTeS, oR SaM wIlL dIe!!!!!!!!
DOCTOR: Fine - kill her!!!!!!
JERAZK: PlEaSe!!!!!!!!!!
DOCTOR: Fine - if you will just SHUT UP!!!!!!!!
JERAZK: YaY!!!!!!!!!
DOCTOR: Say... you remind me of someone...
SCENE 8: ANATHEMA
<J2RIDER, MOTHER MARANATHA and ALRYSSA are talking.>
MARANATHA: What do you think of the colony.
J2RIDER: iT's GrEaT, bUt WhEn Do I gEt To SaVe AdRiC???
ALRYSSA: Shut up Jerkarse - Mother Maranatha has something to tell us.
MARANATHA: Thanks Alryssa, now we at Faction Paradox think that both of you could be valuable human shields - I mean full members of our havoc making crew?
ALRYSSA: Sure.
J2RIDER: wIlL i GeT tO sAvE aDrIc?
MARANATHA: Eventually
J2RIDER: yEs!!!!!!
MARANATHA: All you need to do is leave a copy of yourselves with the colony, and then sell your souls to Grandfather Paradox.
ALRYSSA: Eh, why not.
J2RIDER: nOw???
MARANATHA: Yes.
SCENE 9: THE TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM
DOCTOR: We're landing.
SCENE 10: ANATHEMA
<GARY RUSSELL, ALRYSSA and SAM watch THE TARDIS MATERIALISE.>
<THE DOCTOR and JERAZK exit THE TARDIS.>
DOCTOR: Well? I have a date with a certain planet I'd like to keep.
GARY: All in good time Doctor, now, into the TARDIS.
DOCTOR: Fine.
<THEY all enter THE TARDIS.>
<THE TARDIS DEMATERIALISES.>
SCENE 11: THE TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM
DOCTOR: Again, I ask: Well?
GARY: I need you take me to these co-ordinates.
<GARY RUSSELL gives THE DOCTOR a PIECE OF PAPER.>
DOCTOR (Reading from the PAPER): 7349 by 4337? That's similar to Anathema's co-ordinates. Why?
GARY: Doctor, I wish to control continuity!
DOCTOR: Why?
GARY: So that fans no longer argue over whether the books count, or whether the Big Finish Audios are canon. Someone MUST tell the fans what is and isn't canon!
DOCTOR: Well what is and isn't canon?
GARY: I'll explain later.
SAM: What's with the copies of Prime Time?
ALRYSSA: They tap into the forces of continuity providing us with a way of transport and a convenient method of storage.
DOCTOR: That crazy Faction Paradox!
JERAZK: WhAt Do YoU mEaN?
DOCTOR: Your colony is situated on the skin of continuity, just out of reach of the Time Lords.
GARY: Well that's convenient.
DOCTOR: We're here!!!!!!!!!!
SCENE 12: INSIDE CONTINUITY
<THE DOORS OF THE TARDIS.>
GARY: It's so big.
<JERAZK pushes GARY RUSSELL out of THE TARDIS and into CONTINUITY.>
DOCTOR: Why did you do that?
JERAZK: ThE tArDiS tOlD mE tO!!!!
DOCTOR: Sam, guess who Jerazk is?
ALRYSSA: A real Jerkarse?
SAM: God no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DOCTOR: That's right - Jerazk is the remembered version of J2rider!!!
ALRYSSA: I could have told you that.
DOCTOR: We need to get back to Anathema to restore his memories.
SCENE 13: ANATHEMA
<THE TARDIS MATERIALISES on the top level of the REMEMBRANCE TOWER.>
DOCTOR: We need a Remembrance Tank.
ALRYSSA: Getting it, Sam, help me.
<SAM and ALRYSSA push and pull a REMEMBRANCE TANK into THE TARDIS.>
DOCTOR: What's going on out there?
SAM: Sounds like a war!
<ALRYSSA goes over to a CONSOLE.>
ALRYSSA: The Remote aren't liking Gary trying to tell them what is and isn't canon. The audio fans are heading to Earth, and the PMEB are off to clone Paul McGann!
DOCTOR: Audio fans on Earth - they are the ones who captured me!
SAM: So your group is breaking up, what are you gonna do now?
DOCTOR: She could join us.
SAM: Doctor!!!!!!
DOCTOR: Well you're leaving, so I thought I'd offer Alryssa your room.
ALRYSSA: I'll take it!
<THE DOCTOR, SAM and ALRYSSA enter THE TARDIS.>
SCENE 14: SARAH'S HOUSE
<THE TARDIS MATERIALISES. THE DOCTOR, ALRYSSA, SAM and the new J2RIDER exit.>
<SARAH and CANNON FODDER emerge from her bedroom.>
DOCTOR: Goodbye Sam, have fun with Sarah and her toy-ogron!
J2RIDER: bYe SaM, tHaNkS fOr EvErYtHiNg!!!!!!
SAM: Alryssa, don't let J2 get to close to you, and good luck with the Doctor.
ALRYSSA: Thanks Sam.
SARAH: Hi Doc, bye Doc!
<THE DOCTOR, ALRYSSA and J2RIDER enter the TARDIS which MATERIALISES.>
SAM: Now what do we do.
SARAH: Ever heard of a threesome?
SCENE 15: AUNTIE's WORLD
<A WOODED AREA.>
DOCTOR: So then Alryssa, J2rider and I had many adventures, and Sam started up her own S&M business.
AUNTIE: Mmmhmm. Next time I'm on Earth I'll have to look her up.
DOCTOR: So tell me Auntie, what happened on Dust?
AUNTIE: Well...
WHAT HAPPENED ON DUST
[PART TWO]
SCENE 16: AUNTIE'S SHOW.
<SARAH is now at the head of the queue.>
SARAH: Well...
<Out of the TENT appear CARDINAL ZORAK and PHI1IP LEGGE. Both are only wearing G-STRINGS.>
ZORAK: Welcome to Auntie's show!
PHI1IP: Step right in miss and we'll show you the world!
SARAH: I should wait for the Doctor.
<THE THIRD DOCTOR and MARY WHITEHOUSE walk up to them.>
MARY: You two - put some clothes on!
THIRD DOCTOR: I ought to tie you up again Sarah for leaving me with this "charming" woman!
<AUNTIE KRIZU walks out of the tent.>
AUNTIE: Arguing? People, here at Auntie's show we are all friends - good friends.
<AUNTIE KRIZU WINKS at THE THIRD DOCTOR.>
THIRD DOCTOR: Fine my dear woman, now what do you have to show us.
<THEY ALL enter AUNTIE'S SHOW TENT.>
SCENE 17: INSIDE AUNTIE KRIZU's SHOW TENT.
<Inside the tent are ELEVEN WOMEN WHO LOOK LIKE AUNTIE KRIZU are posing suggestively in skimpy clothing. MARY WHITEHOUSE is ALMOST CATATONIC with shock.>
THIRD DOCTOR: Wowsers!
AUNTIE: My girls are good.
SARAH: But they all look just like you!
AUNTIE: That's because I'm like the Doctor.
SARAH: What, an old pervert!
AUNTIE: No - Gallifreyian.
THIRD DOCTOR: How?
AUNTIE: I'm from Rassilon's time. One day he regenerated from being one pretty liberal dude into become an old conservative fuddy duddy, and he kicked me out of his house - he only loved his wife now. So anyway, I was wondering through the desert, and came across my TARDIS - the tent, and these twelve women.
SARAH: What about the two studs?
AUNTIE: They came with the caravan.
THIRD DOCTOR: twelve women? I only see eleven women here.
AUNTIE: Number 13 is, well, different. Anyway, I knew these women were, well, me, some we went into my TARDIS and it dematerialised. Since then we've been moving around the galaxy from planet to planet.
THIRD DOCTOR: Say, were you ever on Earth.
AUNTIE: Yes, in the year 1964.
THIRD DOCTOR: What???!!! That's what first attracted my TARDIS to Earth in the first place!!!!! Your TARDIS's temporal signal travelling back through time!!!!! If only those bloody school teacher's hadn't been so fucking curious I would have been laid!!!!
<THE THIRD DOCTOR throws a TANTRUM.>
AUNTIE: There, There. I'll give you a private show in my caravan.
THIRD DOCTOR: You will?
AUNTIE: Of course.
<THE THIRD DOCTOR and AUNTIE KRIZU enter her CARAVAN.>
FOUR HOURS LATER
<THE THIRD DOCTOR and AUNTIE KRIZU exit her CARAVAN.>
SARAH: Well Doctor?
DOCTOR: Auntie is packing up her caravan and heading into town with us where she will apologise to the people then leave Dust.
SCENE 18: OUTSIDE THE TOWN GATES.
<THE THIRD DOCTOR, SARAH, MARY WHITEHOUSE and AUNTIE KRIZU's CARAVAN's arrive. The gates are guarded by REMOTE AGENTS.>
AGENT#1: What's the password?
SARAH: Let us in!
AGENT#2: Sorry, that's next week's password.
<THE AGENTS LAUGH.>
AUNTIE: Is this the password?
<AUNTIE KRIZU flashes the AGENTS.>
AGENT#1: It is now!
<THE AGENTS let the group in.>
SCENE 19: INSIDE THE TOWN
<The FACTION PARADOX SPACECRAFT is hovering over the TOWN SQUARE
<FATHER J2RIDER and the MYSTERIOUS FIGURE - face obscured - approach the group.>
FATHER J2: dOcToR?
THIRD DOCTOR: Yes?
FATHER J2: i SaVeD aDrIc!!!!!!!!
THIRD DOCTOR: Who?
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE: Me.
<The MYSTERIOUS FIGURE steps into the light. It is ADRIC, though he is twenty years older than we remember him.>
ADRIC: Please Doctor, let me die!!!!!
THRID DOCTOR: Why?
ADRIC: Twenty years ago for me, many years in your future, I travel with you to a freighter over-run by Cybermen. You all evacuated, but I tried to save it from crashing into the Earth. I failed, killed off the dinosaurs, and presumably died, but this idiot saved me! LET ME DIE!!!
THIRD DOCTOR: You poor creature. Here.
<THE THIRD DOCTOR pinches ADRIC over his heart. ADRIC spasms, then sighs.>
ADRIC: Thank you... Doctor...
<ADRIC dies.>
FATHER J2: nOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo!!!!!!!!
AUNTIE: Time for me to leave. Thanks for everything Doctor.
THIRD DOCTOR: Anytime Auntie, anytime.
AUNTIE: Could you look after Number 13 for me? She won't be needed where we're heading: my destiny.
THIRD DOCTOR: OK.
MARY: Goodbye my dear, please dress a little more properly in the future.
SARAH: Bye Auntie.
FATHER J2: aDrIiIiIiIcCcCcC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<AUNTIE KRIZU steps into the lead CARAVAN and the line of CARAVAN's, except for NUMBER 13 begin to DEMATERIALISE.>
FATHER J2: nOwWwWwW!!!!!!!!
<FATHER J2RIDER grabs a hold of a caravan as it dematerialises.>
THIRD DOCTOR: Good riddance!
<NUMBER 13's CARAVAN rumbles, then bursts.>
NUMBER 13: HUNGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<NUMBER 13 is ghostly version of AUNTIE KRIZU.>
<NUMBER 13 starts absorbing REMOTE AGENTS.>
THIRD DOCTOR: Stop AUNTIE!!!!!!
<NUMBER 13 stops.>
THIRD DOCTOR: Try the planet.
<NUMBER 13 merges with the planet.>
SARAH: Now what?
THIRD DOCTOR: Watch Auntie work her magic.
<DUST becomes full of life, growing trees, creating animals - DUST is now AUNTIE's WORLD.>
SCENE 20: INSIDE THE FACTION PARADOX SPACECRAFT.
MOTHER MARANATHA: Release the virus.
<LITTLE BROTHER TUCKER activates some controls.>
SCENE 21: INSIDE THE TOWN GATES.
THIRD DOCTOR: Goodbye Mary.
MARY: You've got rid of the filth.
THIRD DOCTOR: All the filth is gone now, and this world is alive.
MARY: All the fifth is gone - except for you!
<MARY raises her GUN and fires, SHOOTING THE DOCTOR.>
SARAH: DOCTOR!!!!!!!!!
MARY: Take him away!!!!!!!!
<SARAH drags THE DOCTOR back towards THE TARDIS.>
THIRD DOCTOR: This isn't right... The long haired bastard... he tricked... me!
<THE THIRD DOCTOR starts to REGENERATE as SARAH gets him inside THE TARDIS, which then DEMATERIALISES.>
SCENE 22: INSIDE THE FACTION PARADOX SPACECRAFT.
MOTHER MARANATHA: What happened.
<LITTLE BROTHER TUCKER activates some controls.>
LITTLE BROTHER TUCKER: The virus - it entered the Doctor!
MOTHER MARANATHA: Excellent.
LITTLE BROTHER TUCKER: Excellent? We were gone covert Dust into our own image through Number 13.
MOTHER MARANATHA: Yes, but now the Doctor will become one of us.
LITTLE BROTHER TUCKER: How?
MOTHER MARANATHA: His Fourth life, bar this incident will occur on schedule, as will the Fifth and Sixth. As for the Seventh, the New Adventures canonicity will be called into question by your books, and then the Eighth's life will be shattered into three: Books, Comics and Audios. The fans will not be united, he will be ours!!!!!!!!!
AUNTIE'S WORLD ON THE SECOND EVENING
SCENE 23: AUNTIE'S WORLD
<A WOODED AREA.>
DOCTOR: So what happened to Father J2rider.
AUNTIE: He's here, in the bottle. I expect you'll be leaving again soon?
DOCTOR: I'm afraid so - there are more answers I need to questions I've got.
AUNTIE: Any requests?
DOCTOR: I'd like to speak to Mary, as she was.
AUNTIE: This body will not look so hot and young without my presence, but ok.
<AUNTIE's body ages and changes into MARY WHITEHOUSE.>
MARY: Well?
DOCTOR: Thank you for shooting me.
MARY: You're not filth!
DOCTOR: Yoink!
<He grabs the BOTTLE.>
<AUNTIE re-enter's MARY'S BODY.>
AUNTIE: Farewell Doctor.
<AUNTIE FRENCH KISSES THE DOCTOR.>
DOCTOR if you keep farewelling me like this, I'll come back more often!
AUNTIE: Please do!
<THE DOCTOR heads back to the TARDIS, enters it, and it DEMATERIALISES.>
AUNTIE: My bottle's gone!
<AUNTIE walks towards a TREE STUMP, and climbs inside it.>
SCENE 24: AUNTIE KRIZU'S UNDERGROUND LAIR.
AUNTIE: Lucky for me I got you out earlier.
<AUNTIE KRIZU pulls back the covers revealing THE FIFTH DOCTOR, stripped to his BOXERS, tied to the BED with VELVET ROPES.>
AUNTIE: And you.
<AUNTIE'S gaze turns towards THE FIFTH DOCTOR CHAINED to the wall, his head bowed.>
<AUNTIE SMILES.>
TO BE CONCLUDED IN: THE ANCESTOR SELL-OFF:- EVERYTHING IS UP FOR GRABS, AND NOTHING IS SACRED...