By Cameron Mason
Illustrations by Auntie Krizu
AUNTIE'S WORLD ON THE FIRST MORNING
SCENE 1: AUNTIE'S WORLD
<A WOODED AREA.>
<AUNTIE is reclining naked under the trees.>
<The TARDIS materialises and the DOCTOR walks out of it.>
AUNTIE: Hello Doctor. It's been a long time.
DOCTOR: Yes, five regenerations in fact. So, what have you been up to?
AUNTIE: I started off making a clone of the Ainley Master, but I went overboard and made this.
<AUNTIE pulls a bottle out from under the tree>
AUNTIE: See, it's a universe in a bottle.
<THE DOCTOR takes the bottle.>
DOCTOR: That's me in there! Only before, having adventures with Benny, (quietly) or did I?
AUNTIE: Speaking of your companions, where are they?
DOCTOR: Well J2rider and Alryssa are in the TARDIS. I came here to see you.
AUNTIE: Really? If I had known I would have prepared the torture chamber!
DOCTOR: No. Not that, I want to talk to you about what happened on Dust all that time ago, and recent events that happened on Earth.
AUNTIE: Well I'm conformable, where are you going to start?
DOCTOR: On Earth.
WHAT HAPPENED ON EARTH
[PART ONE]
SCENE 2: TARDIS INTERIOR
<The CONSOLE ROOM. THE DOCTOR is at the console. J2RIDER walks in.>
J2RIDER: cAn We Go SaVe AdRiC dOcToR?
DOCTOR: Not now J2, Web of Time and all that!
<A PHONE rings. THE DOCTOR picks up the PHONE.>
DOCTOR: Hello?
SAM JONES (On other end): Doctor, did you know you had a phone at the top of a hill?
DOCTOR: No.
SAM: Well it's telling us to go to June 1997.
DOCTOR: It is! Yessssssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!! I'll go pack your bags!
SAM: But, it's only a year after I left!
DOCTOR: Tell your parents you had a hair cut!
<THE DOCTOR puts the PHONE down.>
DOCTOR: Bye bye Sam!
J2RIDER: wHaT? iS sAm LeAvInG uS?
DOCTOR: Yes, I'm afraid so (not).
J2RIDER: bUt ShE wAs My FiRsT!!!!!!
DOCTOR: Now about that J2...
SCENE 3: BBC BOOKS OFFICES
<JUSTIN RICHARDS, LANCE PARKIN and several other authors are waiting around. The TARDIS materialises and SAM JONES is pushed out of the TARDIS by THE DOCTOR.>
DOCTOR: Bye Sam, don't forget to write!
SAM: Doctor, not yet!
JUSTIN: Exactly Doctor. Not yet!
DOCTOR: Why not!
LANCE: Things are happening, things we need your help with.
DOCTOR: Well, such as?
JUSTIN: In Sci-Fi conventions, bootleg copies of The Dying Days are being sold at ridiculous prices.
DOCTOR (panicking): I got my copies legitimately and have every right to sell them at the price I see fit.
LANCE: We aren't talking about proper copies. These copies are from alternate universes.
JUSTIN: We'd like you to go undercover as costumed lunati- I mean fans and track down those smart bastards.
LANCE: Also, in Saudi Arabia, a group of fans are trying to split your adventures up.
DOCTOR: What! Those bastards! I'll kill them!!!!!!!!
SAM: I'll go to the convention.
DOCTOR: Those freaks will spill everything to a woman who even looks at them!
JUSTIN: Great.
DOCTOR: Justin, it's 1997, and you're the range editor, but you shouldn't be yet.
JUSTIN: Erm, temporal slippage?
DOCTOR: What! That again!
SCENE 4: THE TARDIS
<The TARDIS BATHROOM. THE DOCTOR is in an old-style bath. J2RIDER is standing beside it.>
J2: bUt WhY cAn'T i Go WiTh YoU oR SaM??? wHy Do I hAvE tO sTaY aT tHe BbC???
DOCTOR: I want you to keep an eye on those authors - all they want to do is get me naked!
J2: bUt YoU'rE nAkEd NoW!!!!!!!!
DOCTOR: What??? Now do you see why I need you to keep an eye on those randy bastards!!!!!!!
SCENE 5: THE SCI FI CONVENTION
<SAM walks into the convention, causing two VULCANS and several KLINGONS to collapse into gibbering heaps. An OLDER WOMAN follows SAM in, causing several more TREKKIES to drool.>
SAM (reading timetable of events): 9 AM: Dealers Room opens. (Folds timetable then glances at her watch.) It's 8:55 now, better join the queue.
<SAM turns right, closely followed by the OLDER WOMAN.>
SAM: Bloody hell!!!!!!!!!!!!
<There is a huge queue leading into the DEALERS ROOM. TWO STEWARDS are trying to hold them back.>
STEWARD #1: I canna hold them no longer: she's gonna blow!
STEWARD #2: Five more minutes, just five more minutes, just f- ARGGGH!
<The crowd surges forward and crushes the TWO STEWARDS, stampeding into the DEALERS ROOM.>
<SAM and the OLDER WOMAN wait for the stragglers to surge in, before carefully stepping over the mangled and bloodied corpses of the TWO STEWARDS.>
<SAM walks over to the table run by JERAZK, who looks suspiciously likeJ2RIDER, and TWO OGRONS.>
SAM: Would you happen to have a copy of The Dying Days by any chance?
JERASK: yEs We Do HaVe SeVeRaL cOpIeS rEmAiNiNg.
SAM: Could I take a look at one?
JERAZK: SuRe!
<JERAZK gives SAM a copy of THE DYING DAYS.>
SAM (reading from book): '"Get away from her you BITCH!", the Doctor screamed at the Ice Warrioress fondling Bernice's naked breasts, "I'm the only one allowed to do that!"'
JERAZK: WeLl?
SAM: Sounds fine to me. How much?
JERAZK: tWo HuNdReD dOlLaRs PlEaSe.
SAM: OK.
<SAM gives JERASK the money.>
SAM: Could I buy a few more copies please, for my friends?
JERAZK: i'M sOrRy, BuT i'M cLoSiNg Up NoW fOr A bReAk. eXcUsE mE.
<JERAZK and the OGRONS exit the CONVENTION. SAM and the OLDER WOMAN follow them.>
SCENE 6: THE HOTEL
<JERAZK and the TWO OGRONS make their way over to the ELEVATOR BAY. They get in one ELEVATOR. SAM and the OLDER WOMAN get in another ELEVATOR.>
<THE TENTH FLOOR.>
<JERAZK and the TWO OGRONS exit the ELEVATOR. SAM and the OLDER WOMAN get out of another ELEVATOR and follow them.>
SAM: This is too easy.
<SAM pulls out a FUTURISTIC LOOKING TRACKING DEVICE.>
OLDER WOMAN: Not so fast.
<The OLDER WOMAN drags SAM into a room.>
SCENE 7: SAUDI ARABIA
<THE DOCTOR is in a PRISON CELL.>
DOCTOR: AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I... went... to...Avalon... and... Venice... and... everywhere!!!!!! You... won't...break... me!!!!!!
PRISONER: They won't listen.
DOCTOR: They won't?
PRISONER: I tried to tell them that both the audios and the books can coexist. They called me an "anti-audios troll", and left me here to die.
DOCTOR: What's your name?
PRISONER: Cameron.
<A CD is thrown into the room, frisbee-style, decapitating CAMERON.>
DOCTOR: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SCENE 8: BBC BOOKS OFFICES
<J2RIDER is reading a draft copy of WAR OF THE DALEKS.>
J2: cOoOoOoOoOoL!!!!!!!!!
<MIKE TUCKER bursts into the room, with a copy of PRIME TIME.>
J2: wHaT???
<MIKE opens the book, which then swallows J2RIDER.>
SCENE 9: THE HOTEL
<THE OLDER WOMAN'S ROOM.>
OLDER WOMAN: So, where did you get this from. <Indicates the FUTURISTIC LOOKING TRACKING DEVICE.>
SAM: A friend.
OLDER WOMAN: The Doctor?
SAM: Yes. How did you know?
OLDER WOMAN: I'm an ex-companion of his. Sarah Jane Smith.
SAM: Sam Jones.
<They sake hands.>
<JERAZK, ALRYSSA and GARY RUSSELL burst into the room.>
GARY: Got you!
<GARY, JERAZK and ALRYSSA drag away SARAH and SAM.>
SCENE 10: THE FUTURE
<AN EARTH COLONY.>
<A copy of PRIME TIME is opened and J2RIDER pops out.>
COLONIST #1: Cool! A man from the past!
COLONIST #2: Let us make him feel welcome.
<J2RIDER has a STREET PARADE. The COLONISTS all cheer him on.>
J2: yAy! fRiEnDs!!!!!!
<A FACTION PARADOX SHIP lands. MOTHER MARANATHA steps out.>
MARANATHA: Who wants to join with us and do cool conceptual stuff withtime travel which pisses people off?
J2: mE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MARANATHA: Are you sure?
J2: wIlL yOu HeLp Me ReScUe AdRiC?
MARANATHA: Sure, whatever.
J2: yAy!!!!!!!!!
SCENE 11: A FACTORY.
<GARY RUSSELL, ALRYSSA, JERAZK, TWO OGRONS, SARAH JANE SMITH and SAM drive into the building. They all get out, SAM and SARAH being held by the OGRONS.>
SAM: What is this?
GARY: This is where we store Prime Time and all those copies of The Dying Days.
SAM: Why?
ALRYSSA: We sell copies of The Dying Days to make money, and use Prime Time for transport.
<A LAND ROVER crashes into the factory, driven by K9.>
SARAH: K9, right on time!
<K9 blasts at the OGRONS. SARAH breaks free and gets in the LAND ROVER.>
SARAH: Drive! Drive!
K9: What about the girl, mistress?
SARAH: Bugger her!
<K9's probe extends.>
SARAH: Not literally!
<They drive off. The ORGRON who held SARAH runs after the LAND ROVER.>
SAM: BITCH!
ALRYSSA: That's not very nice!
<ALRYSSA drags SAM into a copy of PRIME TIME.>
<GARY and JERAZK follow.>
SCENE 12: SAUDI ARABIA
<THE PRISON CELL.>
<THE DOCTOR is communicating with his past self.>
DOCTOR: Watch out for Faction Paradox. They're bastards who will cheat you out of a good deal!
THIRD DOCTOR: Should I be knowing this?
DOCTOR: Probably not.
THIRD DOCTOR: OK. Nice to speak to you, remember the old Venusian Akido...
DOCTOR: Yes. Remember our companions.
THIRD DOCTOR: Mmmmmm, Victoria...
SCENE 13: SARAH's HOUSE
<SARAH walks in the door, followed by K9.>
SARAH: Home at last.
<TOM BAKER jumps out of hiding, runs up and viciously kicks K9.>
K9: Twat!
<The OGRON tosses TOM BAKER out the DOOR.>
OGRON: Me friend. Me want to help you.
SARAH: Great.
OGRON: What you want me to do?
SARAH: Steal stuff from Gary Russell.
SCENE 14: THE HOTEL
<The ORGRON breaks into GARY RUSSELL's ROOM and steals a BOOK entitled 'OUR PLANS FOR WORLD DOMINATION AND OTHER COOL STUFF'.>
SCENE 15: ANATHEMA
<SAM, ALRYSSA and GARY emerge from MIKE TUCKER's copy of PRIME TIME.>
MIKE: You made it!
GARY: Yeah, and we got the girl!
SAM: Where are we?
ALRSSA: Our home.
GARY: The domain of: The Remote.
Mike: Who is she?
ALRYSSA: She's one of the Doctor's.
MIKE: Yay! A companion. So tell me, what happens to Ace?
SAM: Who?
ALRYSSA: Which Doctor do you travel with?
SAM: His got longish hair, he wears a green - no brown coat, he-
ALRYSSA: It's him!
<Members of the PMEB start to crowd them.>
GARY: Ladies, please, we must tell the companion of our plan, so that she can conveniantly escape and tell the Doctor of our plans.
ALRYSSA: Follow me please.
<SAM follows ALRYSSA.>
SCENE 16: SARAH'S HOUSE
<The ORGRON returns with the BOOK.>
SARAH: Thanks. What's your name?
ORGRON: Canon Fodder.
SARAH: You've done well Canon Fodder.
<SARAH reads the first page.>
SARAH: Those bastards!!!!!!!!
SCENE 17: SAUDI ARABIA
<THE PRISON CELL.>
DOCTOR: I must escape, must escape...
<A MASKED FIGURE enters the room.>
FIGURE: Time for your lunch time electric shock treatment.
DOCTOR: Goody!
<The DOCTOR is taken out of the PRISON CELL.>
AUNTIE'S WORLD ON THE FIRST AFTERNOON
SCENE 18: AUNTIE's WORLD
<A WOODED AREA.>
DOCTOR: So then I went off and was electrocuted.
AUNTIE: Mmmhmm. Let's talk about what happened on Dust now. I want to talk.
DOCTOR: Okay.
WHAT HAPPENED ON DUST
[PART ONE]
SCENE 19: The TARDIS
<The THIRD DOCTOR is walking down a corridor.>
THIRD DOCTOR (singing): Pure mystery, just for you- What the Fuck!
<The THIRD DOCTOR sees a bright, white room. In it is the EIGHTH DOCTOR.>
THIRD DOCTOR: Who are you?
DOCTOR: Your future self. (aside) CRUK! I stuffed up!
THIRD DOCTOR: Well?
DOCTOR: Well I suppose I should tell you to watch out
THIRD DOCTOR: Watch out for what?
DOCTOR: Watch out for Faction Paradox. They're bastards who will cheat you out of a good deal!
THIRD DOCTOR: Should I be knowing this?
DOCTOR: Probably not.
THIRD DOCTOR: OK. Nice to speak to you, remember the old Venusian Akido...
DOCTOR: Yes. Remember our companions.
THIRD DOCTOR: Mmmmmm, Victoria...
<A WHITE, STICKY SUBSTANCE starts to ooze down the walls and across the floor from out of nowhere.>
SARAH (voice only): Doctor! There's something oozing down the walls!!!
THIRD DOCTOR: I'm coming! (to EIGHTH DOCTOR) Nice to meet me, see you next anniversary special?
DOCTOR: Probably.
THIRD DOCTOR: I know, I wish we could avoid them, but...
<The THIRD DOCTOR walks down the corridor, and the EIGHTH DOCTOR fades away.>
THIRD DOCTOR: What does that girl want now?
<The THIRD DOCTOR walks into the CONSOLE ROOM.>
SARAH: The console is beeping.
THIRD DOCTOR: It appears we are about to land when we shouldn't be. Some excitement at last!
SCENE 20: DUST
<The TARDIS materialises inside the town. The THIRD DOCTOR and SARAH walk out.>
SARAH: Look Doctor!
<The THIRD DOCTOR turns around and sees a poster.>
THIRD DOCTOR: 'See Auntie Krizu's dancing babes. Private shows available. More on offer than you can imagine.' Sounds like fun.
SARAH: Fun?! Fun?! It's degrading to women!!!!
SCENE 21: DUST
<The GATES of the town.>
<TWO REMOTE AGENTS on HORSES are outside. The town defender MARY WHITEHOUSE holds them up with her GUN.>
MARY: Get away from here, you filth!
AGENT#1: No. Join us, and you can destroy all the filth you want!
MARY: Never!
<AUNTIE walks into view.>
AUNTIE: Need some help?
MARY: Yes. Get rid of this filth!
AUNTIE: Easy.
<AUNTIE turns to face the REMOTE AGENTS and exposes her BREASTS. The AGENTS' EYES and PANTS bulge, and then explode.>
AUNTIE: There, all better.
MARY: Time to find more filth to destroy!
SCENE 22: DUST
<The REMOTE SPACECRAFT.>
<FATHER J2RIDER and a SHADOWY FIGURE a watching a monitor.>
FATHER J2: lOoK! tHe TaRdIs! hE mUsT bE oN dUsT!!!
SCENE 23: DUST
<Outside the TARDIS.>
SARAH: ...and that is why I think that the porn industry is degrading to woman.
Doctor: Phew!
<MARY WHITEHOUSE comes around the corner.>
MARY: Stop! Filth!
THIRD DOCTOR: Run!
<SARAH pushes the THIRD DOCTOR into MARY and runs.>
THIRD DOCTOR: Bitch!!!!
MARY: FILTH!!!!! You're coming with me?
SCENE 24: DUST
<Outside the TOWN.>
<SARAH joins the queue for AUNTIE's show.>
SARAH: I wonder why are there no women in the queue...
SCENE 25: DUST
<MARY's OFFICE.>
MARY: You appear to be a fine, upstanding man, not like the Remote, the filth!
THIRD DOCTOR: The who?
MARY: The filth who are trying to take over this planet.
THIRD DOCTOR: Sound similar to Faction Paradox.
MARY: Who?
THIRD DOCTOR: These bastards I've been warned about.
MARY: What did you say???!!
<MARY advances menacingly on the THIRD DOCTOR. MARY picks up a BAR OF SOAP.>
SCENE 26: DUST
<The REMOTE SPACECRAFT.>
<FATHER J2RIDER and a SHADOWY FIGURE a watching a monitor.>
FATHER J2: yAy!!! fAcTiOn PaRaDoX aRe On ThEiR wAy HeRe! nOw We CaN gO hOmE!!!!!!!!
AUNTIE'S WORLD ON THE FIRST EVENING
SCENE 27: AUNTIE'S WORLD
<A WOODED AREA.>
AUNTIE: I'm tired, how about we sleep it over and continue tomorrow?
DOCTOR: Sure.
<AUNTIE starts to remove the DOCTOR's CLOTHING.>
DOCTOR: Auntie, what are you doing?
AUNTIE: getting you ready for bed.
DOCTOR: Oh, ok.
<AUNTIE continues to remove the DOCTOR's CLOTHES.>
TO BE CONTINUED...
Coming soon:
Intyference Book 2 - Day of Nerd
