Now we take you back down that familiar road in an Austin Maestro to re-visit the West Midlands top source of quality board and lodgings.

Bates Motel, a websoap classic.

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[Bates opening sequence starts. A Red Maestro is seen driving down country roads before pulling up outside the Motel. Chuck is standing behind the reception desk despite the fact his character was killed ages ago. Alden is in the foreground in the phone despite the fact he left for a new life in the final episode]

Alden: Hello, Bates Motel, The West Midlands top source of quality board and lodgings? Yes this is the one-off millennium special in order to provide some cheap filler for the network.... Yes, all the characters, living, dead or written out are here. OK. Goodbye. [Alden puts the phone down and walks over to Chuck] Chuck: I'm getting worried about those Arabs. They've been hanging around too long in reception for my liking.

Alden: How long have they been here.

Chuck: Oh, about 2 minutes.

Alden: Anyway, why are you on reception.

Chuck: Because they wanted me in the scene to drill home the point that the fact my character is dead, doesn't impair my partaking in this millennium special.

Alden: Oh.

Chuck: You see, our producer has been watching that 3D Doctor Who special. Dimensions in Ties I think it's called. Anyway he's stolen all the ideas from that.

[The scene cuts to a control room where Random is watching Alden and Chuck on a monitor]

Random: Pickled in time like gerkins in a jar. Helpless, paralysed, it'll drive them insane!

[The scene cuts back to the picture on the monitor]

Alden: What was that?

Chuck: Just Random plotting something for the end of the episode.

[A special effect begins to come over the picture]

Chuck: Oh no, Random is meddling with the... the... the [Chuck pulls the script from his pocket] the dimensions in time! She's ripping the fabric of time apart in a hastily constructed plot point in order to recycle some old material. We're having a flashback...back....back....back.

Alden: Why do you keep on saying back?

Chuck: Because we can't afford an echo effect. Anyway, here we go!

[A special effect shows time being ripped apart. Suddenly we arrive in season 2. Chuck is leaving the  restaurant and walking along to security. In security Dave is standing looking at a large box with "Uncle Clive's Robotics" written on the side. Chuck enters]

Chuck: Is that the new robotic assistant that Marcus ordered?
Dave: Yep.

[Dave tips the contents of the box onto the floor]

Dave: Let's get started then.

Chuck: Are you sure the head goes on that way?
Dave: Yes I am sure.
Chuck: Well go on, boot it up then.
Dave: Doesn't look much like a waitress does it?

[Dave inserts a disk into the robot and presses a switch. The robot comes to life
and then begins to speak]

Robot: Brrr. Brrr. Copyright 1982 Sir Clive Research.
Chuck [reading from the manual]: Report model.
Robot: Raston Warrior Robot mk2 QL. 48k memory.
Chuck: No that's not right.
Dave: It's Marcus, he's ordered the wrong robot! We wanted the waitress!
Chuck: I'll kill Marcus when I get hold of him.
Robot: Program set. Kill Marcus.
Chuck: No, hang on!

[The picture goes wavey and returns back to the present day]

Alden: Aha, crazy times.

Chuck: But we must stop Random. If she keeps on ripping apart the dimension in time, she'll.... she'll [Chuck looks at script].... suck the Motel through a hole in the space time continuam, destroying us all!

Alden: Then we must go in haste to the restaurant, where the others are having their special millennium meal.

Chuck: But first you must remove your blue tie.

Alden: Why?

Chuck: Because they've sold the restaurant set, so they've had to use CSO to reconstruct it.

[The scene cuts to the restaurant. The camere is behind Suki and Tina. Blue fringing is evident as low grade video tape plays back a tape loop of the restaurant interior.] Tina: How degrading, having to sit here against a blue screen... Oh, we're on. [Alden enters] Tina: What's been going on Alden, strange things have been happening. It's almost as if the dimensions of space and time were being ripped apart!

Alden: It's Random! She's plotting to destroy the Motel!

Alden:Oh no, it's happening again! We're having a flashback to the time when Dai became super intelligent!

[Picture goes all wavey]

Dave: Who's left the lights on all night, and what's all this mess....

Dai: Bore dda...I mean good morning to you David, and how are you this fine morning ?

Dave: Been here all night have you ?

Dai: Yes, I got so engrossed in my books, I've read the lot, no pictures neither.

Dave: "Advanced Accountancy", "Tax Loopholes and How to get through them","Zen and the Art of Macroeconomic Theorem", been a right little Gordon Brown, haven't we ?

Dai: Yes, I've been missing out all these years. I'm sorry that I used security, but it was quiet and I needed somewhere to go, I've had the security system going all night, checking all the motel.

Dave: [To himself] Hmmm, Marcus won't know it hasn't been me here all night, it's got to be worth a few quid in overtime. [To Dai] You know Dai, if I didn't know better I'd swear you were about to the leave
the series to go away and head up a multinational corporation !

Dai: Seen the script have you boyo ?

Dave: Speaking of which a new deputy security person will be along tomorrow.
Goes by the name of David "Dangermouse" McIntee.

[The picture cuts to outside a TV studio]

Alden: We thought we'd like to give you a look behind the scenes of the series.

[Picture cuts to inside the TV studio]

Alden: Here today we have the producer. Mr Turner-Nathan:

Producer: As you know Al love, I have a vision. And that vision involves not working on this series anymore. Some people have accused me of being an egotisical fool, with no creative talent what so ever, and have said I am destroying the series.

Alden: That's not some people. That's what everyone says.

[The picture hastily cuts to Alden, now with a blackeye. He is standing outside a doorway. ]

Alden [off camera]: Well how did I know he kept a housebrick in his handbag.... Oh, we're on. And here we are outside Trinas dressing room.

[Alden knocks on the door and doesn't wait for an answer]

Trina: I'm getting.... ARRRGHHHH!!! Get out!

[A half naked Trina shoves Alden out of the door. She is heard shouting]

Trina: KEEP AWAY FROM ME BATES! YOU KNOW THE TERMS OF THAT COURT INJUNCTION!

Alden: Just because I sold a few pictures to The Stun.

[The picture cuts back outside. Alden is now without a black eye]

Alden: So I hope that was a unique insight behind the scenes of our little soap opera.

[Suddenly a car can be heard approaching at speed]

Alden: So that's me, Alden Bates.

[A car speeds into shot, does a handbrake turn, hits Alden, and comes to a stop where Alden was previously standing. Marcus gets out of the car]

Marcus: That is my f*cking parking space!!!! Understand? Don't f*cking stand in it, it is mine. See the car, it is mine, see the space, it is mine!.... Don't bleed all over my car!!!!!!!!!!!! Bates, stop it! Stop it now!

[The picture cuts back to the plot. Old stock footage shows a car pulling up outside the Motel. Marcus gets out and is faced with Dai. It is now not snowing at all]

Marcus: How degrading. Stock footage depicting me driving some battered old Rover. I bet Alden wouldn't be treated like this. Oh no, his agent would insist that they phoned the VW garage and got him a nice new Sirocco like Trinas. Dai: Hello boyo. Marcus: Don't boyo me you simpleton. Just...... just..... just do whatever you are supposed to do you woolly hatted fool! I wouldn't have even had to be here if that panto in Scunthorpe hadn't fallen through. That Tom Baker said he'd do it for free when he found out there was a brewery next door to the Theatre! [Suddenly the stage hand remembers it's snowing and starts throwing fake snow on camera] Dai: Cold isn't it? Marcus: No, it's a TV studio and it's very hot!

[Marcus walks through to reception, looks around and notices nobody]

Marcus: OK, right. Some reunion.

[Meanwhile in the restaurant]

Alden: We must stop the dimensions in time being ripped apart!

Chuck: Who wrote this rubbish?

Alden: The producer.

[Trina enters followed by Marcus]

Marcus: And why do you get the nice Sirocco, hmmm?

Trina: Oh go away! I forgot how annoying you were.

Marcus: At least I'm not reduced to washing powder commercials!

Trina: No, you're going to spend the next 10 years living off your so called household name status, whilst not actually getting any proper acting work.

[Everybody in the restaurant has turned to faced the two of them arguing]

Marcus: Er.... Hello.

Trina: I came as soon as you called Chuck.

Chuck: I called? You see, I'm having a slight problem here. Where does this fit into the series canon. In the series it's never revealed to the general cast that I know you, and then I die. So there's no way this story can fit into the series continuity.

Trina: Oh, we'll just write it off as a nightmare or something. So anyway, what's the deal.

Chuck: We're pickled in times like gherkins in a jar or something. And [picture goes wavey], here we go again!

[In the office, back in season 3]

Chuck: What are we going to do about this new producer?

Suki: You know what they say...

Chuck: Do I?

Suki: A new broom always sweeps clean.

Chuck: What's a broom got to do with this? We've got a new producer and he's bound to kill some of us off.

[Marcus bursts in holding some pieces of paper]

Marcus: Look at this! I've got a plot proposal for next weeks episode here!

Chuck: What's wrong with it.

Marcus: Let me read it to you... "Episode 666:Bates Motel - Death Train. By Andrew Cartfell."

Suki: He's the person who used to write for the BBC's Predictable Disaster Hospital Series. He's bonkers!

Marcus [reading]: The staff of the Motel go on a day trip by train to Birmingham. Unknown to them the train is hi-jacked by Football hooligans and young Conservatives. Meanwhile a nearby nuclear reactor goes into overload, destroying the West Midlands and parts of Swindon. Meanwhile an overhead Jumbo Jet get's into trouble and crash-lands on the Motel killing everybody. To add to the problems aliens invade and destroy the planet.....

Chuck: Stop! Stop! He's mad! He can't do that!

Marcus: Well what can we do about it?

Chuck: We don't go on the trip.

Marcus: But that won't stop them. There will be other ways of killing us off. Tripping up and your head falling off, being horribly electrocuted by some faulty wiring, being strapped to a chair and being made to watch that awful Australian soap "The Cobbers Next Door"..... Chuck: Stop! Stop! I can't take any more!

Marcus: Look, they can't sack us. We're at the centre of the nations affections.
They love us! Why, only last week I was opening a supermarket in Swindon
and this old lady came up to me and....

Chuck: Asked for your autograph?

Marcus: No, actually she hit me. She said she'd seen me on Crimewatch.

[Picture goes wavey and returns to the present day CSO restaurant]

Alden: We must stop Random! Chuck: We keep on saying that! Alden: I feel that she's just about to arrive in reception Trina: Stay here. I'll take my chances [pause] Alden: Fair enough

[Trina begins to walk to reception. In the corridor she meets Dave who is with a familiar figure]

Dave: Hi Trina. This is Mike Comedian from Westenders.

Mike: Ello darlin.

[Suddenly the camera focuses on Dai who has entered the corridor. A hand drags him back into reception. The camera begins to circle Mike in a strange manner]

Mike: Well, er, I've seem em kicked out of reception but never dragged in]

[Trina runs through to reception]

Trina: Ah, a Random. I might have known. Random: I will destroy this Motel! I will destroy you. Trina: Oh I think not. If I put on these special 3D glasses I will defeat you! Random: Don't be ludicrous! Not even a cliff-hanger?

Trina: No. As this is a special, the plot has to be finished now! And we're running out of time, so I'm not going to ask you what you've done with Dai.

[Trina puts the 3D glasses on]

Random: Noooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[K9 appears for no reason]

K9: Ten seconds mistress.

[Special effects take over the screen]

K9: Three, two, one!

Random: ARRRGHHH!!!

[Random falls to the ground and then vanishes. Suddenly the entire cast appear from nowhere]

Alden: Well done Trina!

Tina: Yawn. Yes well done Trina.

Chuck: Finally, we're all safe!

[The picture pulls out to a view of the motel from the sky. Suddenly Randoms mad laughing is heard as the Motel is sucked through a space/time vortex. End credits fade in]