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There's always some manic goings on in the best websoap around, Bates Motel, the soap that makes Triangle look like Dallas.

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Season 3 Episode 22

Written by Marcus Durham, Aidan Folkes, Mariane Desauntels and Jefferson Eng

Continuity Announcer: Now on Televison Midlands, the 70th, and final episode of
                      Bates Motel, the worlds longest running soap opera
                      set in a West Midlands Motel..... Apart from that other
                      one of course, I forget the name......



Theme tune fades in  

[Outside the Motel Trina is still revving her car up. Suddenly she spots
 Alden walking out of the entrance and into the drive. She drops the
 clutch, the tyres screech and she hurtles towards the oblivious
 Alden at speed. Alden hears the noise turns to face the car. He
 looks shocked, but before he can take action he is thrown over the
 bonnet of the car in slow motion. Trina jumps out of her car and runs over
 Alden to gloat. Cue close up of Alden's face, in a pained voice he speaks]

Alden: I invoke the shower rule!
Trina: No, not that one! Just die!

[the picture goes all wavey. Alden steps out of a shower in a room in the Motel]

Alden: Hah hah, the best way to escape any nasty life threatening car accidents.

[Back inside the Motel, Pete is bearing down on Random who is still taunting
 Tina]

Random: This is my world! I rule!

[Pete lunges at Random with the knife. Then in an almost Hitchcock-esque manner
 the picture cuts to the plate of lemons that Pete was cutting whilst 
 screaming can be heard. The scene cuts back to Tina]

Tina: Oh my God, you've killed Random!....... Excellent. 

[At Fairlawns Charles is talking to Michelle]

Charles: I'll see you at the end of the day on my boat.
Michelle: OK. I haven't got much on, but I do have a sinister
          clifftop meeting at 3pm with Trina.
Charles: OK. I'll be testing out a new speedboat this afternoon. Just for
         fun. We can formulate our plans over dinner tonight.
Michelle: Our future.
Charles: Our future.

[awkward pause. Michelle looks down at the table where there is a script]

Charles: I can sense something is wrong. Tell me my dear.
Michelle: It's Trina.  I found out she's having an affair Chuck.
Charles: An affair?  Somehow I sort of figured out that there was something
	 wrong with her and that she was becoming a burden to this 
         establishment.  
Michelle: So what are you going to do?
Charles: Well, she's scorned me and so the only logical course of action is
         to not only get her out of Fairlawns, but also to destroy her where
	 it hurts....in her pocket book.
Michelle: I've never noticed her with a pocket book before.
Charles: No, I meant that we're going to take every bit of money she has
         away from her and you, Michelle, I want you to replace Trina.  We
	 can plot her downfall, you and me, together!
Michelle: Charles, oh really?  Do you really meant that?
Charles: Yes, Michelle, I really do.
Michelle: Um, before we get any sappier in this scene.  What are we going to
          do about me and my job at Bates?  I still haven't found a way to
	  get sacked yet.
Charles: Hrmmm....that does put a kink in the plans.  Right, let's go to
	 my office and we'll discuss the details there.

[Back at Bates Dave and Mariane are getting rid of Random's body, since
 no-one else wanted the job.]

Dave: Do you have any plans, for after the end?
Mariane: Oh yes.
Dave: Do you have any idea where you'll go?
Mariane: Yes and no. I'm not sure whether I want to leave.
	I've got used to the idea that... all this...
	is coming to an end, but I'm even more used to *being*
	here.
Dave: Like boats?
Mariane: No. I'm not the captain. I'm not going down with the
	show. I just think I might live here for a while.
Dave: No, *do you like* boats?
Mariane: Yeah. Well, I think. Why?
Dave: After the soap ends, I'm going to be a captain.
Mariane: A promotion! Congratulations. Where?
Dave: I'm going to be the captain of a ferry to the Isle of Wight.
Mariane: The fresh air will do you good.
Dave: Fresh air.

[Dave looks down at the corpse and turns a little green.]

Dave: So, what are you going to do?
Mariane: I don't know.
Dave: If you like boats, I know what you could do.
Mariane: What?
Dave: Come with me. Join me in my new life as captain of
	an Isle of Wight ferry. Think of the excitement!
Mariane: I don't know...
Dave: Think of the fresh air! You can swim, can't you?
Mariane: Yes.
Dave: Then it's perfect, isn't it? You and me, together,
	on a boat! I could get you a job.
Mariane: Let me consider the options for a while.

[Meanwhile in a locked cupboard in the depths of the Motel, Jefferson, the
 hotel inspector is trying to get out.]

Jefferson: Right, on the count of three.  One...Two...Thr--

[Jefferson falls out of the cupboard before he could finish counting to three.]

Jefferson: Stupid, blasted, faulty craftsmanship.  That's another thing I'll have
           to make a note of when I write up my review in The Times.  Now, I must
           call the authorities and report this Dangermouse person to be arrested
           and taken into custody.

DM: Not while I can do anything about it.

[Dangermouse tackles Jefferson from behind.  They fight as if this was scene was
 done by the group, HAVOC.  Jefferson makes a connecting blow to DM's face, but no
 sound is heard.  DM then punches Jefferson in the stomach as the sound of a 
 spring is heard.  Jefferson recoils from the punch and DM breaks the a chair on
 his back to the sound of a cuckoo clock thereby rendering Jeff unconscious on 
 the floor. DM proceeds to tie Jeffersons hands and ankles together.]

DM: Now I need to hide you somewhere.  Ah, how about this white room with
    roundels here?

[DM drags him into Random's TARDIS and goes back out to lock the door from
 the outside.]

DM: I feel much better now.  That'll be the last we see of him and Bates is
    safe from cancellation.

[Stock footage of car arriving outside Bates Motel, which is a totally 
 different colour and make to the car Trina used earlier. Cutting to 
 reception. Tina is standing behind the desk as stage hands remove bits 
 of scenery around her.]

Tina: Look do you have to do that now, we're still filming you know.
Stage Hand: Ha, ha.

[Trina tries to make a dramatic entrance but since the flat showing a 
picture of the car park and the doors have both been removed, and the 
doorway now just shows a TV studio, is a bit ruined.]

Trina: What's going on Trina, I mean Tina?
Tina: They've started dismantling the set and there's nothing I can do 
      to stop them.
Trina: Oh, well it doesn't really matter.
Tina: Oh look we've still got to get some plot out of the way, then we 
      can go round the pub and get drunk.
Trina: Oh, all right. What's going on Tina?
Tina: Well, since Alden's leaving, we have to restructure the 
      management structure.
Trina: Wouldn't it help if we had a structure to restructure in the 
first place!
Tina: Anyway, Marcus and I will run the Motel, since I now have a 
      controlling stake in this fleapit. Then we will have two under managers, 
      we've already appointed one: a Mrs Freeman. I was thinking that maybe 
      you could be the other.

[One of the stage hands removes the reception desk]

Trina: Well, I suppose so. But what about Michelle? She's got it in for 
       me. She's collaborating with Charles to get me fired.
Tina: We'll see about that. I'll dismiss her, or maybe you might want 
      that honour, since the under manager job is effective immediately.
Trina: I might just do that, or not depending on what the script does 
       or does not say.

[The stage hands remove the final wall, so Trina, looking a lot 
 happier, just walks off the set, through the fourth wall.]


[Bates caption comes up. picture cuts to an Emmerdalek Farm caption.]




Announcer: Later tonight on Emmerdalek Farm.

[the scene cuts to the interior of a farmhouse]

Dalek 1: WHERE ARE ALL THE SHEEP?
Dalek 2: I EXTERMINATED THEM!
Dalek 1: WHY?
Dalek 2: THEY HAD TECHNOLOGY SUPERIOR TO THAT OF THE DALEKS!
Dalek 1: WHAT TECHNOLOGY?
Dalek 2: THEY HAD LEGS!
Dalek 1: I'M OFF DOWN THE WOOLPACK. CARE TO JOIN ME?
Dalek 2: NO. MR WILKS HAS BARRED ME AGAIN FOR BEING DRUNK AND DISORDERLY

Announcer: So tune in to Emmerdalek Farm, 7pm tonight.

[Bates caption comes up]

[In an internal room in the motel, Tina, Alden and Suki are sitting talking.
 A TV is on in the background showing a familiar movie]

Alden: Not long to go now. We leave this afternoon.
Suki: After all these years.
Tina: Indeed.

[a voice can be heard from the TV]

TV: Let me come with you.... I can see.... I can see per-fect-ly....
Alden: It seems hard to believe that it's been twelve years since I first
       arrived here.
Tina: 1973.

[There is a knock at the door]

Tina: Come in.

[The door opens. Pete enters]




Tina: Oh hello.
Pete: Och well lassie, I thought I would just make my last contracted appearance
      before I made off for the TV studios bar.
Tina: Oh.

[Alden is watching the TV]

Alden: You know, that chap in the film looks awfully familiar doesn't he.
Suki: It's the Great Escape isn't it?

[Pete looks proud]

Pete: Well come to mention it, he does work in this Motel.....
Suki: Oh...... It's Dave isn't it!
Pete: Ahem, no lassie, it's me actually.
Suki: But you went mad and got shot didn't you?
Alden: Don't ruin the film! Hey look, it's David McCallum. Watch out for the
       white balls!
Pete: Oh well, I managed to escape off-screen and I came here to work. I also ran
      a Scottish Pub, and had a run in with some Ice Warriors.
Suki: That's quite remarkable.
Pete: Well, I am the seventh son of a seventh son.


[Cut to the seafront. Dark clouds gather ominously above a stormy sea. 
Seagulls squawk above the roar of the waves as they hit against the 
seawall. The camera tracks a seagull across the sky and down past a car, 
which brakes abruptly. Unfortunately the camera overshoots and has
to jump back to get the car in shot again. Trina gets out of the car.]

Trina: Come on, I haven't got all day.




[Cut to a shot from a clifftop, unfortunately the weather is now 
 sunny. Another car can be seen driving towards Trina. It stops 
 and a figure gets out. Cutting to the near view it is seen that 
 Michelle has arrived. Her hair flaps about in the wind.]

Michelle: So we finally meet.
Trina: We've met before, what are you going on about?
Michelle: I thought it would sound Machiavellian.
Trina: I didn't know you were from Manchester?
Michelle: I'm not! I said Machiavellian!
Trina: Well, stop it!
Michelle: Oh, all right. I have something to tell you.
Trina: What is it?

[Overhead view again but we can still here the voices, it just saves 
the actors from having to do facial reactions.]

Michelle: Charles knows all about you and Chuck!
Trina: What, you mean...
Michelle: Exactly!

[Scriptwriter covering up the fact that he doesn't know what the cruks 
 going on in the plot anymore]

Trina: But, but, but...At least I'm replacing you as manager of Bates Motel.  
       Bwahahahahahahahahaha.
Michelle: Who cares?

[Cutting back to the near view, Trina jumps into her car and speeds 
 away, the camera follows for a short while, until we cut back to 
 Michelle, who has a big smirk on her face. Trina's car suddenly reverses
 back and Trina jumps out. Michelle is standing perilously close
 to the clifftop.]

Trina: I've just remembered some unfinished business from last season.

[Trina hurls herself towards Michelle who is standing at the cliff edge.
 Michelle hurtles backwards, straight off the cliff. Trina comes 
 to a halt and looks smug]

Trina: That's a two one win to me then?

[Time passes]

[In the foyer of the Bates Motel Alden and Tina are talking to a never seen before
 woman. Trina enters]

Trina: Sorry I've been delayed, unfinished business. 
Alden: That's OK. This is Mrs Freeman, you'll be managing the Motel with her.

[They greet each other]

Tina: Let's go though to the restaurant to discuss matters.




[They walk through to the restaurant]

Tina: This is the restaurant.
Mrs Freeman: Yes, well I can envisage a few changes here and there.
Tina: Well, whatever you feel. Trina and yourself will be reasonable for the
      day to day running. Of course, you'll have to liaise with Mr Rush,
      the restaurant manager.
Mrs Freeman: What happened to Mr Chuck?
Tina: A nasty accident.
Mrs Freeman: Oh, I see. I've been abroad and the episodes are three months behind.

[Marcus enters]

Marcus: Tina, I..... Oh, you are busy.
Tina: Have you met Mrs Freeman?
Marcus: Yes, briefly. How do you do? 

[They greet each other]

Marcus: And Trina is here as well.... I see. Well in order to save you time
        later Tina, I think I'll give Trina a personal tour of the Motel.
Trina: Oh..... OK.
Marcus: Starting in the bar.
Tina: What about Mrs Freeman.
Marcus: Oh, but she's not as good looking..... Er, I mean, you should show her 
        around as she's not as familiar with the place as Trina.
Tina: Oh.
Alden: Trina, Tina, Tina, Trina. It's a good job I'm leaving, this is getting 
       confusing.

[The scene cuts to speedboat at sea. Charles is onboard, alone. His phone
 rings]

Charles: Hello...... Yes, speaking..... WHAT? Dead? Where?

[Charles puts the phone down. A boat sails past in the background]

Charles: Michelle is dead. My life is now devoid of love. My life
         is dull, grey, meaningless and.... and...

[rummages around for script]

Charles: Dull, yes, done that bit, ah yes, meaningless and pointless!




[Charles walks over to the boats controls, turns the boat starboard, facing
 a larger marker buoy. The other boat is still in the background. He pushes
 the throttle up to maximum in an emotion less manner. The boat speeds
 towards the buoy, seconds later there is a massive explosion. As the explosion
 subsides mad evil laughing can be heard. The picture cuts to a close up on the
 other boat where The Master is sipping Champaign and has his other arm around
 Michelle. A mobile phone is on the table.]

Master: Bwa-ha-ha-ha! The fool! The fool! Bwa-ha-ha-ha! The old phone trick!
Michelle: And to think, just yesterday I made him re-write his will. Not 
          forgetting that expensive life insurance policy I took out on 
          him.

[Both laugh madly. Back at Bates, in reception Alden has gathered most
 of the staff, and is about to make a leaving speech]


 [Soldeed enters, standing near the door, looking outside. Suki walks
 up to Alden and puts a suitcase down on the floor as she stops to
 stand beside him.]

[Close-up of Soldeed. He pulls Dai back, and pushes him out of the door, whilst
 whispering something to him. The shots cuts back to Alden and Suki.]

[Close-up of Alden. He clears his throat.]

[Exterior, Bates Motel, front. A sinister, horny, slightly rotund form
 lurches towards the entrance.]

[Interior. Alden claps his hands together a few times.]

Alden: Can I have your attention please?
Father Rob: DRINK!
Stephen: Shut up!
Alden: Now, if everyone is listening...
Soldeed: In the name of the second Skonnan Empire! I will finally
	prove to the miserable filth of this assembly, prove beyond
	the shadow of suspicion, that I AM NOT INSANE!
Alden: You are insane. Now shut up! I have something very important
	and very emotional to say!
Soldeed: YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME!
Assembled staff: Shut up! No-one cares!
Soldeed: Oh, but YOU WILL! You will bow down before the power of...

[There is a crashing sound.]

Soldeed: THE NIMON!

[Close-up of doors opening]

Soldeed: NIMON! I have summoned thee!

[The Nimon enters.]

Soldeed: Lo! BEHOLD! THE NIMON! Nimon! Your Mighty, Commanding
	Power! You have revealed yourself to these unbelievers!
Father Rob: NIMON! ARSE! 
Soldeed: NIMON! Smite this man!
Alden: Security!

[The Nimon roars, advances, and trips over Suki's luggage.]

[Close-up of Soldeed, a horrified look on his face.]

[The Nimon tries to get up. His head falls off.]

Soldeed: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

[Dai picks up the head and puts it back on.]

Suki: Dai, what do you think you're doing?
Dai [voice muffled, distorted, booming]: Miss Suki, I...

[Soldeed whimpers, then runs out, tripping on his own robes
 in the process.]

Dai [disguised as the Nimon]: Excuse me.

[Dai goes out after Soldeed.]

Alden: I wonder what all that was about? Anyway, basically Suki and I just
       wanted to thank you all for your years of friendship and dedication.
Dave: Get on with it! Birtorado is on TV in ten minutes.
Alden: Anyway, thank you and, er, goodbye.

[There is some half hearted clapping. The staff shuffle off. Alden and Suki
 walk out of the main doors followed by Tina and Marcus. They emerge outside,
 where Aldens car is waiting]

Alden: So this is it then.
Suki: We finally leave the Bates Motel.
Tina: And I finally get back control.
Alden: Looks like it. It's in the hands of your accountant now.

[Tina looks pleased]

Alden: And the funny thing is, with a 75% share, you have outright control
       and Marcus is left with 25% and has to agree to everything you want.
Marcus: Doh!
Alden: Face it Marcus, you'll never have any power. Not unless you two get 
       married or something

[Alden laughs. Marcus looks up as if an idea had just crossed his mind]

Marcus: Oh well.
Tina: And it's the final scene of the last episode. The Motel, gone from TV.
Alden: The Motel may be gone from the screens, but it will live on. Somewhere
       in the West Midlands there will always be a small motel staffed by
       non-speaking extras. 

[Alden packs away the last of the baggage into the boot of his car. 
 Suspicious looking white powder leaks from the final suitcase as Alden
 places it in the boot. Alden doesn't notice. He shuts the boot. Suki and
 Alden get into the car. Suddenly Dave and Mariane run out of the main doors
 hand in hand, jump into Daves car and speed off]

Marcus: Well goodbye, and good luck. Er, careful at customs.

[Marcus begins to snigger]

Tina: Well, it's the end. And the moment has been prepared for.

[Alden starts the car]

Alden: Goodbye, and run the Motel well.
Marcus: Enjoy yourself!

[Marcus breaks down laughing, and then manages to recover. Aldens car pulls away
 as Suki waves farewell. Tina turns to face Marcus]




Tina: So that's it.
Marcus: That's it.

[They both turn away from camera and walk towards the Motel. Tina's voice can
 be heard]

Tina: There's are Motels out there where the rooms are clean, the drinks are free
      and the guests can dream. The tills filled with gold and the bar is full
      of song. Somewhere there's complimetry biscuits, somewhere there's en-suite 
      bathrooms and somewhere else the tea is getting cold. Come on Marcus, we've got
      work to do.

[Theme tune fades in]





Storylining by

Marcus Durham, David Lewis, Aidan Folkes,
Mariane Desautels, Jefferson Eng





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Transmitted from the 4th of June 1999


�1999 Marcus Durham and the
respective writers of this episode. No part of this episode may be reproduced without
prior written permission from David Hunter and Miss Diane. No attempt is made to supercede
any existing copyrights.