Hello and welcome to the Bates Motel, the West Midlands top source of quality board and lodgings.

There's always some manic goings on in the best websoap around, Bates Motel, the soap that makes Triangle look like Dallas.

If you want to learn more about the mad characters then click here. Otherwise read on.....

Or if you want to catch up on seasons one and two then you'd better visit The Bates Motel Vault.

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Next Episode on Saturday 8th of May

Season 3 Episode 19

Written by Marcus Durham & Jefferson Eng

Continuity Announcer: Emmerdalek Farm is at 7pm, but first a red Maestro
                      looms into view. Run for the hills, it's Bates Motel,
                      the soap opera recently assessed as being most liable
                      to lead to muttering to yourself in the street.

[picture fades in to Dave standing in the darkened Bates Motel production
 office. Suddenly the office door swings open. A man in a Hawaiian shirt 
 and fright wig walks in]

Dave: Er, hello Mr Natha....

[The man pulls a gun]

Man: Don't move. Don't move one inch!

[Camera zooms in on the gun. Title sequence starts up]

Theme tune fades in

[Sequence fades back to the office]

Man: What are you doing here!
Dave: Er, we came to see you.
Tina: Er yes, we did. Why have you got a gun?
Man: It's the image. For some reason people think I'm a little camp.

[Tina and Dave laugh]

Man: Indeed, ludicrous isn't it duckies?
Tina: We just came to see what we can do to avoid cancellation.
Man: There's nothing anybody can do. We've been axed, when the money
     runs out the soap ends.
Tina: So with cash we can survive longer?
Man: I suppose so. You'd need alot though. It's �3.50 an episode.
Tina: That's not much.
Man: And then there's my producers salary of �400,000 a year.
Dave: So all we need to do is get some cash.

[Back at the Motel in reception a new face walks up to reception]

Mariane: Hello, can I help you.
Man: I'm Tim Rush.
Mariane: And?
Tim: I'm the new restaurant manager.
Mariane: I must tell you that Mr Chuck was very popular around here.
Tim: Well I can't fill a dead mans shoes....
Mariane: You'll have to, we can't afford a new uniform.

[In the restaurant Alden is having a meal with Suki]

Alden: And with Bates ending, I thought we should begin to think
       about the future.
Suki: Well I'm sure I can get work....
Alden: No, a future together. We should escape from this Motel whilst
       we still have a chance.
Suki: I don't know. I haven't even had a decent storyline since I came here.
      I might get one before the end......
Alden: Well you have some time to make up your mind. 

[Mariane enters and walks over]

Mariane: Excuse me, but Trina from Fairlawns is in reception.
Alden: Tell her I'll be with her in a moment.
Mariane: OK.

[Mariane leaves]

Suki: Why does that Trina want to talk with you?
Alden: Er... I don't know.
Suki: You haven't been frantanising with her have you?

[Alden stands up and walks towards reception. In reception Trina is waiting]

Alden: Ah, hello there.

Trina: I've just had an interesting conversation with one of my employees.
       It appears you were seen in the village buying a rubber
       nuclear missile from the village shop. A similar missile to the
       one that killed Chuck.
Alden: Er.....
Trina: Well?
Alden: Thousands of rubber nuclear missiles are sold everyday from the village
       shop. It doesn't put me in the frame for Chucks murder.
Trina: Hmmm. It has also been noted that you have a criminal record.
Alden: Well yes, but we were all forced to buy Marianes single
       "You should be so lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky" when it was released.
       
[Mariane walks past]

Mariane: My record? It got to the top of the charts.
Alden: Yes. In Hungary!
Trina: In anycase, if I find out that you had something to do with Chucks
       death then I will invoke the most terrible retribution.
Alden: Oh well, be seeing you then.

[Meanwhile Marcus, Dave and Tina are in the main office]

Marcus: So it is a question of money.....
Tina: Yes.
Dave: Where can we get some?
Tina: I don't know.
Marcus: Where's Alden?
Dave: In the restaurant.
Marcus: And, is that hotel inspector still locked in the cupboard.
Dave: Yes.
Marcus: Then all is well.
Tina: I still didn't find out how Bates ends.

[Marcus points to a book on the desk]

Marcus: That's the Big Book of Soap Opera. They're all in there, and it's
        the indispensable reference guide for any writers who lack their
        own ideas.

[Tina picks the book up and starts reading]

Tina: Have main character run off with owner of village pub, leaving
      everyone at the mercy of an evil business man.
Marcus: Can't see that happening.
Tina: How about taking the viewers through an alternative plain of existence
      where things are different because Alden never came to the Motel.
Marcus: Hmm. If Alden never came to the Motel, your mother would have never
        left, Chuck wouldn't be dead, Dai wouldn't have been involved
        in that freak accident, there wouldn't have been the third Motel
        fire. In fact, alot of things would be different. Hmmmm.

[picture goes all wavy and re-emerges in an alternative dimension where
 Alden had never existed. The scene is a much more modern looking reception.
 Chuck enters]

Chuck: How good it is being alive in another dimension, because Alden
       doesn't exist, so he didn't kill me.

[Chuck strolls up to reception]

Chuck: Hello my dear, you are looking as splendid as ever.

[The receptionist turns around. It's a very familiar figure]

Random: And I'm glad I'm still here as well. Because Alden doesn't exist he
        didn't start a fire in the Motel, which meant that I didn't
        have to flea in my TARDIS to escape being burned.
Chuck: So you didn't die in the fire then.
Random: No.
Chuck: Fascinating.
Random: I think it's an important plotpoint.
Chuck: Ah.
Random: Of course, if there was a fire and I had to flea then I'd be
        terribly bitter.
Chuck: Oh yes, I could understand that.
Random: Still, this alternative dimension scene will be the last acting
        work you get this decade.
Chuck: Well, I've got an audition tomorrow.
Random: What for?
Chuck: It's in Eastenders. It's for Dot Cottons wigs stunt double.

[The picture goes wavy and returns to the normal world]

Marcus: So, we would have been better off without Alden. What else does that
        book say?
Tina: Not that much. It has an entry for Bates.
Marcus: What does it say?
Tina [reading from book]: Bates Motel, 1965 to present. Cheap space
     filler set in a Midlands Motel, with cardboard sets
     and cardboard acting. 
Marcus: Oh, that's better than what most books say.
Dave: I've got to get back to security. I'll let you know if I come
      up with any money raising schemes.

[Dave leaves. As he shuts the door, the wall wobbles. A picture falls off
 the wall. Tina continues]

Tina: We are in dire straights.
Marcus: But we can't get money for nothing.
Tina: Agreed. We must find a solution, but things must continue as normal.

[Cut to a picture of the sun rising over the Motel. It is the next day.
 In reception Mariane is sorting the post. Tina enters through the 
 door.]

Mariane: Tina, here's your post.
Tina: Thanks.
Mariane: Alden is in the office. Here's his post, and his subscription
         to Amateur Embalmer Monthly.

[Tina enters the main office where Alden is reading the morning
 newspaper.  For a few moments, neither person speaks while Alden
 continues to read his newspaper.  Meanwhile, Tina looks in her compact
 while putting on her makeup.  Then a technician walks up to Tina and
 whispers in her ear.]

Tina [to the technician]:  Are we on?  [looking at the camera]  Oh, we
                           are! I thought there was a scene in the 
                           kitchens now. What, it's been cut?

[The technician walks back off camera.]

[Tina looks worried in front of Alden who still appears to be reading the
 paper.]

Tina:  Alden, I'm worried.  [No answer comes from Alden.]  Ahem!  Alden,
       I'm worried. 

[Still no answer.  Tina becomes impatient and then takes the paper out of
 Alden's hands.  Alden has by this time nodded off and is snoring.]
 
Tina [screaming]:  Alden, wake up!

[Alden suddenly wakes up, takes the paper from Tina and puts it away.]

Alden:  I'm sorry, did we start the scene already?

[The technician walks back onto the set again and goes over to Tina and
 Alden.]

Technician:  I'm sorry, but we'll have to start this scene from the top. 
             Let's get this right, people.  We don't have much of a
             budget left to work with.

[The technician walks out of the picture and Tina retakes her position at
 the opposite side of Alden's desk.]

Technician [off camera]: And....ACTION!

[Tina looks worried.]

Tina:  Alden, I'm worried.

Alden: I assure you that you'll get a reasonable pension once this soap
       ends.

Tina:  I'm not worried about *THAT*.  It's Chuck.  I'm worried about him.

Alden:  Why?  Marcus, you, and I made sure that we kept his death a secret.
        It's not like he'll appear out of nowhere and proclaim that he's
        still alive and living in Tahiti.  

[At the moment Alden mentions Chuck's name, Chuck can be seen walking
 across the far end of the set while eating a jam doughnut.  Nobody notices
 him as he walks off the other end of the set.]

Tina [ignoring Alden's last comment]:  Anyway, I think somebody's being
				       nosy.
Alden:  Who's being nosy?  
Tina:  That's the thing.  I don't know who it is, but I intend to find out.

[Tina sips from a conveniently placed glass of sherry]

Alden:  Oh, that's all right then.  It'll mean more pension coming my way.

[Tina smirks at Alden and then exits the main office.  Meanwhile, Marcus
 and Dave are talking in reception.]

Dave:  Marcus, I need to talk to you.
Marcus:  Yes, what is it Dave?

[Dave goes up closer to Marcus and whispers so nobody else can hear]

Dave:It's about the hotel inspector.
Marcus:  What?  I didn't catch that.
Dave [a little bit louder]:  The hotel inspector.  What are we to do with
                             him?
Marcus [confused]:  I don't know what you're talking about.  What hotel  
                      inspector?

Dave [getting even more louder]:  Jefferson!  The one we have in the     
                                  cupboard over there.
Marcus:  You mean we have somebody locked in cupboard?!?!?
         You have to let him out of there!  
Dave [now a bit irate]:  No, I won't, er, can't! You told me not to.
Marcus: I did? Oh, very well.

[At Fairlawns Trina is on Charles boat. He is on the phone.]

Charles: Look, I don't want to talk about Space 1979! I'm a serious actor
         and I've left all that behind me!

[Charles puts the phone down]

Charles: Reporters again! Anyway, how are things.
Trina: Reasonable. Since Fairlawns is now such a success I thought we
       might like to expand our business.
Charles: How?
Trina: By eliminating the opposition. It occurs to me that if the Bates
       Motel was eliminated, we would get more business.
Charles: What do you propose.
Trina: To starve them of trade. We'll undercut them. Nobody will want to
       stay at their grotty motel when they could be staying in
       luxury at Fairlawns for a cheaper price.
Charles: Hmm, it's your decision. Failure could cost you dear.
Trina: It won't fail.
Charles: Good, because there will be no extra cash available for this. I'm
         not made of money.
Trina: Oh?
Charles: Well actually I am, but I'm also mean.
Trina: Ah..... If I succeed, Kings Oak will be a mauve free zone. The
       Bates Motel will be no more.
Charles: And in the style of the best enemies, you must make sure they know
         your plans. Making people suffer is no fun unless they know who it
         is who is attacking them
Trina: Excellent. May I use your phone.
Charles: Of course.

[In the main office at Bates]

Alden: Oh I'm so bored.... bored, bored, bored.

[The phone rings, Marcus answers]

Marcus: Yes, hello. What, you are dropping your prices to drive us out of
        business? But why?........... But you can't prove Alden
        did it. Hello?

[Marcus puts the phone down]

Marcus: That was Trina. She's cutting the prices at Fairlawns. She plans
        to undercut us to drive us out of business.
Alden: Then we must cut our prices!
Marcus: We can't.
Alden: Why not?
Marcus: Because it would be financial suicide, that's why.
Alden: Go through the figures, find economies. If it's a matter of survival.....

[Theme tune fades down]

Marcus: Alright, I'll go mad, drop my figures. And they will drop theirs further
        because that is the game that they are playing.

[Theme tune finishes]

Storylining by

Marcus Durham, David Lewis, Aidan Folkes, Mariane Desautels, Jefferson Eng

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Transmitted from the 24th of April 1999