Hello and welcome to the Bates Motel, the West Midlands top source of quality board and lodgings.

There's always some manic goings on in the best websoap around, Bates Motel, the soap that makes Triangle look like Dallas.

If you want to learn more about the mad characters then click here. Otherwise read on.....

Or if you want to catch up on seasons one and two then you'd better visit The Bates Motel Vault.

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Next Episode on Saturday 24th of April

Season 3 Episode 18

Written by Marcus Durham

Continuity Announcer: And at 8.30 tonight you can see Pro-Celebrity Car Chases
                      with Dickie Davies. But now we check into a certain Midlands
                      Motel. Or alternatively you could watch the local news
                      on BBC1, it's entirely your decision.

Theme tune fades in

[In the office Alden is rummaging through the drinks cabinet]

Alden: Now where did I put that....

[The office door swings open. Father Rob hurries in]

Father Rob: DRINK!
Alden: I'm sorry but guests are not allowed in.....
Father Rob [spotting drinks cabinet]: DRINK! DRINK!

[Father Robs punches Alden, grabs a bottle from the cabinet and runs out.
 Meanwhile Tinas car pulls up at Fairlawns. Charles walks out through the
 main doors. Tina gets out of her car.]

Charles: Can I help you?
Tina: I've come to speak to the Manager....
Charles: She's out at the moment.
Tina: Oh.
Charles: But can I help in any way? 
Tina: Er, no. I want to speak to the organ grinder, not the monkey, good day to you.

[Tina jumps into her car and speeds off. Charles walks back into building and to
 Trinas office]

Charles: That Tina from Bates came looking for the manager. I told her you weren't
         here.
Trina: Couldn't you have dealt?
Charles: Well yes, but I thought it was more of a management thing than what
         a Managing Director should be doing.
Charles: Oh yes, before I forget, there's just been some news on the radio.
         Apparently there has been a tragic accident at the Bates Motel.

[Trina turns around drastically looking shocked]

Trina: What?
Charles: Apparently the restaurant manager was ambushed in his car by a terrorist
         armed with a nuclear missile.

[Trina looks shaken]

Trina: Is the restaurant manager.... is he OK? I must know.....
Charles: Dead apparently. Written out. He is no more.

[Trina runs out of the room]

Charles: What's wrong with her?

[Dave is walking down a corridor in the Motel]

Dave: I always thought I was a good corridor actor. Of all the people in Bates,
      I am the best corridor actor. 

[A knocking noise comes from a cupboard. Dave jumps and looks disconcerted]

Dave: Woah!
Cupboard: Let me out!

[Dave remembers]

Dave: It's no good Mr Inspector. I'm not letting you out of there. You're fooling
      nobody.
Jefferson [from inside the cupboard: I'm not an inspector.


[Marcus is standing in reception in front of the main doors. The unconvincing backdrop
 outside the doors is apparent]

Marcus: And another thing Mariane, we're going to have to make some cutbacks.
Mariane: Oh?
Marcus: I'm afraid we've had to axe some of the extras. So just look 
        busy in reception if there are none around. 
Mariane: But who do I chat to in the background and hand the keys over to?
Marcus: Oh, you'll think of something.

[Suddenly a familiar figure can be seen walking past the entrance outside. It's Chuck.
 He makes a drinking gesture to someone off-set and then points to his watch. Suddenly
 several people appear wearing headphones and they all walk off together. Mariane 
 pretends to have not seen this, and carries on]

[In security Dave and Dangermouse are busy doing nothing]

Dave: I've written to Sir Jimmy Savalon. He'll fix it for us to stay on air!

[Dave turns on the TV]

TV: Er, now then now then, I've got a lovely letter here from a young man who
    works at the Bates Motel in the West Midlands. Jangle jangle....Er, now then,
    er, he wants us to save the soap opera that he works in.... Well young man,
    cigar, cigar, well, quite frankly I can't work miracles.

[Dave quickly turns off the TV]

Dave: It's a fix!
Dangermouse: All those TV people are the same. They are so false. It's a good job 
             that we are all friends here. 

[Dave laughs falsely. The phone rings. Dave picks it up]

Dave: Hello, Security, Bates Motel, Kings Oak, the West Midlands Top Source
      of quality board and lodgings. Dave speaking. Yes Tina, yes I'll meet 
      you there. Yes Tina, I'll be as quick as I can.

[Dave puts the phone down]

Dangermouse: Who was that?
Dave: Er, Alden.

[Meanwhile in reception Suki is sitting down having a cup
 of tea. Dai enters]

Dai: Miss Suki, have you seen Miss Mariane anywhere?
Suki: She's on her lunchbreak.
Dai: Oh.

[Suddenly Trina walks in, looks around and storms up to Dai. Alden can be seen
 walking out of the office. He spots Trina, does an about-turn and walks back
 into the office]

Trina: What's up? How is he?
Dai: Eh?
Trina: Chuck?
Dai: You mean Mr Chuck?
Trina: Yes! Yes!
Dai: Oh.
Trina: Is he OK? Tell me it's not true!

[Trina grabs Dai in a melodramatic manner]

Trina: Tell me! Tell me!

[Suki gets up]

Suki: He can't help you.
Trina: Well tell me who can! I must know!
Suki: You are a friend of Chucks? You'd better sit down.

[They both sit down. Dai wonders off looking bemused]

Suki: I'm afraid there has been an accident.
Trina: I'd heard something. But I wasn't sure it was true... Is he...
Suki: Dead?
Trina: Is he?
Suki: I'm afraid so. Written out of the soap.
Trina: But not dead in real life?
Suki: Oh no, of course not. This is only a soap. He's just been written out.
Trina: So I've basically got to pretend to be upset and then avenge his death?
Suki: That's the way it usually works.
Trina: And any future plans we'd made together for future potential employment will
       be OK?
Suki: I suppose so.

[Trina looks around, and then breaks down crying. This continues for about 10 seconds]

Director: And cut!

[Trina looks up, and happily walks off set]

Trina [singing merrily]: Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda, You'll come a
      Waltzing Matilda with me...

[Time passes. At Fairlawns Trina is now in her office]

Director: And cue Trina!
Trina: ....... Boo, hoo, they killed Chuck! The bastar...

[Charles walks in]

Charles: You look upset.
Trina: No, not at all.
Charles: I just came in to say I have a business meeting on my yacht tonight
         with Mr Kawasaki of Major Madeupname Industries. I was hoping
         that you could join us.
Trina: Er, yes I believe I'm free.
Charles: Excellent. 7PM at my yacht then.

[Charles leaves]

Trina: I will use Charles to find out who caused Chucks death and then make
       them suffer!

[Trina slams her fist down on the desk]

Trina: Yes, I will make them suffer!

[Meanwhile in reception at Bates Marcus is vacuuming. Alden walks up]

Alden: Why are you doing that?
Marcus: Tina has sacked all the cleaners. She's arranged a cleaning rosta.
Alden: What?
Marcus: We're all going to have to help clean the Motel.
Alden: We'll soon see about that!
Marcus: Tina still isn't back from Fairlawns.
Alden: Oh.... well I'll catch her tomorrow then. Still it's strange that she
       should have taken so long. 
Marcus: You can't go now, you're on duty!
Alden: But I can go in ten minutes. Not that I'll be leaving the Motel,
       I'm having a meal with Suki in the restaurant tonight.
Marcus: I can't believe Tina is taking this long. What can she be up to?

[The scene cuts to a corridor. Tina and Dave walk into view]

Dave: Are you sure we should be here?
Tina: We are TV station personnel, we can walk about the TV studios as we wish.

[They walk past a giant poster of Jim Bowen]

Dave: But what are we doing?
Tina: We're going to find out how Bates ends. The scripts are stored in a safe in
      the production office. 

[They stop in front of a giant picture of Noel Tidybeard with a pained
 expression on his face]

Dave: We can't look at the scripts!
Tina: Of course we can. Look, we're here now.

[Tina opens the door and enters the darkened office. She turns the light on as 
 Dave follows her in and shuts the door. The light reveals a small untidy office.
 Pictures of a man in a Hawaiian shirt and fright wig adorn the office walls. Tina
 walks over to a picture of the Motel from the air. She removes it from the wall
 to reveal a safe. Suddenly the office door swings open. A man in a Hawaiian shirt
 and fright wig walks in]

Dave: Er, hello Mr Natha....

[The man pulls a gun]

Man: Don't move. Don't move one inch!

[Camera zooms in on the gun. Theme tune fades in.]

Storylining by

Marcus Durham, David Lewis, Aidan Folkes, Mariane Desautels, Jefferson Eng

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Transmitted from the 16th of April 1999