Hello and welcome to the Bates Motel, the West Midlands top source of quality board and lodgings.

There's always some manic goings on in the best websoap around, Bates Motel, the soap that makes Triangle look like Dallas.

If you want to learn more about the mad characters then click here. Otherwise read on.....

Or if you want to catch up on seasons one and two then you'd better visit The Bates Motel Vault.

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Extra Episode due Saturday the 17th of April

Next Normal Episode on Saturday 24th of April

Season 3 Episode 17

Written by Marcus Durham & Mariane Desautels

Continuity Announcer: At 10PM tonight we have the news at 6.30. But in the
                      meantime we have Bates Motel. The soap that makes 
                      Richard and Judy look like quality entertainment.

Theme tune fades in

[Mariane walks in carrying the days papers. She distributes them on a table before
 walking over to the reception desk. She picks up a book. Chuck enters, and looks
 to see if he can see anyone else around]

Mariane: Muahahahaha!
Chuck: What's so funny?
Mariane: It's this book! "I've shrunk!"
Chuck: I've shrunk?
Mariane: Viagra?
Chuck: Eh?
Mariane: It's this book! "I've shrunk!"
Chuck: Oh good. I thought I looked suspicious.
Mariane: ...hm? What?
Chuck: I wanted to tell you; I'm just going out.
Mariane: Where can I reach you if there are unhappy customers at the restaurant?
Chuck: I'm just going out to get something for a friend. I won't be long.
Mariane: What's the rush!? We're only this close to cancellation.
Chuck: I'm just going out. To get something. For a friend.
Mariane: Is is a present? If it's a present, you would do best to tell me whom it's for.
	Just so I can lie to them if they come asking.
Chuck: It's not a present.

[Mariane puts her coat on and walks out from behind the desk]

Mariane: Oh. So whom is it for?
Chuck: Forget it.
Mariane: You haven't told me yet.
Chuck: That's right.

Mariane: So go on then, tell me. 
Chuck: What did I tell you?
Mariane: You didn't answer me!
Chuck: I AM GOING OUT. I'll be back soon. Put any emergencies on the back burner for me,
	all right?

[Dave and Dangermouse enter.]

Mariane: Okay Chuck. Bye Chuck.
Dave, to Chuck: Where are you going?
Chuck: I'll be back in a jiffy!
Dave: But don't you have a meeting with Tina?
Chuck: Yes.
Dave: She'll be angry.
Chuck: Who cares.
Dave: You will.

[The camera zooms in on Daves puzzled face]

[Commercial Break Theme Plays]

[Alden walks on screen]

Alden: Hi, if you enjoy Bates Motel then you can now invest in this box set of
       classic Bates Motel episodes from throughout the years.

[picture cuts to a young looking Tina wearing a tank top]

Tina: But Mother....
Lorell: Don't Mother me! We have armed saboteurs in the Motel, who are intent
        on disrupting the 1972 Kings Oak flower show. They must be stopped,
        and they must be stopped now! [sips from glass of sherry]

[picture cuts to a dark and dingy reception. Marcus enters wearing an appalling
 suit and kipper tie. An anonymous non-speaking extra is at the reception desk.]

Marcus: Hello, I've come to work here........ Did you get my reference
        from Global Chemicals?...... Yes, it was a nasty business...... yes
        mess everywhere.

[picture cuts to Alden, with his own hair colour]

Alden: Recovery 7, Recovery 7, can you hear me?

[Tina appears in shot]

Tina: No Alden, you did Doctor Who last week. This is Bates!

[Picture cuts back to present day Alden]

Alden: Ahaha, classics all of them, but who can forget the classic Motel fire
       of 1981......

[Picture cuts to a slightly younger Tina, Marcus, Alden and Dave all standing outside
 the Motel in the darkness]

Tina: Dave, are you sure you've set the fireworks up correctly.
Dave: Yes, I'm pretty sure I did.
Tina: We've been waiting here for an hour.
Dave: Any moment now.

[There is a large explosion from within the Motel]

Marcus: What was that!?!?!?!
Dave [looking pleased]: That's the fireworks.
Marcus: Inside the Motel?
Dave: Nobody said anything about putting the fireworks outside. Set them up and
      light them you said. Nothing about outside....

[Flames begin to emit from the Motel]

Tina: Oh no! The Motel, it's on fire!!!
Alden: Oh..... That'll warm us up nicely. It's freezing out here.
Tina: But Mothers in there!!!!!
Alden: Ah, a witch burning. 
Tina: MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[The picture cuts back to the present day]

Alden: All these classic episodes could be yours for only �45.99. So don't delay,
       call today!


[Commercial Break Theme Plays]

[In reception Mariane looks back down at the book she's holding.]

Mariane: Oh my goodness! They're going to destroy Veltroch!
Dave: No, they're not.
Dangermouse: You git! Don't tell her that!
Mariane: DM, since when do you have breasts?
Dangermouse: They're not breasts.
Dave: They're etheric beam locators.
Dangermouse: Very useful in security matters.
Mariane: You know, we usually wear those under our clothes.
Dangermouse: Etheric beam locators?
Dave: Breasts.
Dangermouse: They're etheric beam locators, and they're the latest, up-to-the-millisecond
	hot fashion accessory.
Dave: And they're quite firm, too!
Mariane: I see.

[The phone rings.]

Mariane: Hello, Bates... Shipment? No, I didn't see any package come in for you...
	What did you expect to get?
Dave: DM...
Mariane: A big black box postmarked from Skaro? I'd have noticed that... Oh yeah, that 
	one...
Dangermouse: Huh...
Dave: I think we'd better --
Mariane: Okay, I'll talk to security. Good day.
Dave: -- go...
Mariane: Good thing you two are here. We have a security problem in the Motel.
Dangermouse: What kind of security problem?
Mariane: The Master's mail was stolen.
Dave: We'll get right on it.
Dangermouse: Won't take more than seven or nine minutes.

[Alden walks by, unnoticed, wearing a long coat and sunglasses. He sneaks out of the 
 door.]

Mariane: So what are you two waiting for?
Dangermouse: I'll explain later.

[Dangermouse and Dave leave hurriedly. Mariane continues reading. There is a series of 
jump cuts, as she reads 10, 20, 40 pages, with the phone ringing every five minutes.]

Mariane: It all makes sense now. Poor chap.

[The Brigadier walks by. Marcus walks up to the reception desk.]

Marcus: How's it going?
Mariane: Not good. I'm trying to finish this book and I keep getting interrupted.
Marcus: You're supposed to be working.
Mariane: What's the point?
Marcus: The Motel must go on. What is it that you're reading?

[Marcus looks at the cover.]

Marcus: If it's work-related, I guess it's all right.
Mariane: Shouldn't you be working too?
Marcus: Of course.

[An old-model yellow car pulls up outside the Motel. Two men and a girl get out of it, 
and go in to the reception.]

Tall Man in Velvet: Hello, I'm looking for a roadmap.
Mariane: Do you have reservations?
Blonde Girl: We only need a roadmap.
Young Man in Uniform: For directions.
Mariane: I'm sorry, I can't help you with that.
Young Man in Uniform: Then perhaps we could have a table at the restaurant? It's 
	almost noon.
Mariane: Oh, that's okay then. Chuck will be back any minute now. It's through there.
	Choose any table.
Tall Man in Velvet: Thank you.

[The three guests go away.]

Marcus: I'll be in my office.

[Chucks sportscar can be seen speeding down country roads. Trina is with him]

Chuck: Ah, to smell the air and feel the peddles beneath my feet. I feel I could
       drive forever!
Trina: Could you just slow down, just a little?
Chuck: What does it matter?

[The camera cuts to a long shot with the car speeding towards it]

Trina: Do you think that cameraman will get out of the way in time?
Chuck: Let's see shall we?

[Chuck puts his foot down. The camera stays fixed on the car speeding towards
 it. Suddenly the car hits the camera and the cameraman dives out of the way]

Chuck: Nope.

[Back at Bates, Michelle walks into the kitchens]

Michelle: Have you seen Mr Chuck?
Pete: Och, no lassie, I haven't.
Michelle: Oh.
Pete: Being the seventh son of a seventh son, I have the gift.
Michelle: The gift?
Pete: I can see the future lassie...
Michelle: Can you?
Pete: And I predict grave danger for Mr Chuck.
Michelle: You wouldn't have happened to have read this mornings edition of
          The Stun would you?
Pete: Er, I'll get back to you.

[Pete hurries to the other side of the kitchen.]

Michelle: Well I hope Chuck read this mornings paper.......

[In a darkened room at a place unknown Chuck and Trina are about to watch TV]

Trina: This is the soap we'll be in when Bates ends!

[Trina puts the video into the machine. The TV starts up. The picture cuts to
 what is on the TV screen. The scene is a beach. A man and a woman enter]

Man: Hello Kylie.
Woman: Hello Jason.
Man: My Kylie, what white teeth you have.
Woman: My Jason, what white teeth you have as well.
Man: That's because we don't smoke or drink, because we live in an idealistic
     world where we always have suntans and everybody is nice.
Woman: Isn't that nice?
Man: It is nice.
Woman: I'm happy.
Man: I'm glad you're happy!

[Suddenly a noise can be heard. It sounds like an engine]

Woman: What's that?
Man: I don't know.

[Suddenly Frazer Hines drives across shot in a tractor]

Frazer: Help me! I can't stop this thing! 

[Frazer disappears to the left of shot. Suddenly a Dalek goes across
 shot following Frazer]

Dalek: HALT! HALT! YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED WHEN WE CATCH UP WITH YOU!!!! 
       EXTERMINATE! YOU ARE THE ENEMY OF THE DALEKS! EXTERMINATE!

Woman: Hmm, no wonder we haven't seen him in Emmerdalek Farm for three
       years.

[The scene cuts back to Chuck and Trina]

Chuck: I think I can do that.
Trina: You'll have the role as bar manager. But naturally no alcohol is allowed
       on the programme, so you'll be serving milkshakes.
Chuck: And what about you?
Trina: I'll be the manager of a large hotel complex.
Chuck: Sounds familiar.
Trina: I must get back to Fairlawns. Thanks for finding that new
       car for me.
Chuck: Well Dai still had it from when he was a super intelligent business tycoon.
       But now he's reverted back to normal I managed to buy it off him for
       two shiny ten pence pieces. A saving of �39,999.80 pence.
Trina: And only one careful owner.
Chuck: Well I'm needed back at the Motel.
Trina: I'll see you tomorrow.
Chuck: Hokay.

[Chuck leaves the room. Back at the Motel Tina is talking to Marcus in the office]

Tina: I'm just going over to Fairlawns. I am going over there to discuss the 
      cancellation with whoever is in charge over there.
Marcus: I wouldn't go over there. There are the rumours.
Tina: What rumours.
Marcus: That Trina, not Tina, which is you....
Tina: What are you going on about?
Marcus: Well there are rumours that Trina is back from the dead and is managing
        Fairlawns.
Tina: It wouldn't be the first time someone has come back from the dead in this
      soap.
Marcus: You've done it twice!
Tina: Be quite, I'm trying to think.
Marcus: This could take all day.
Tina: I'm going over to Fairlawns. Whoever is in charge, perhaps we can join forces
      and stop this cancellation.

[Tina gets up and walks out]

Marcus: Watch out for armed terrorists! 

[Chucks car pulls into the Motel drive. The back seat is curiously filled with 
 flowers. Tinas car passes Chuck, he nods and continues up the drive.]

[Meanwhile Alden is hiding in the bushes dressed in a white suit, wig and sunglasses.
 He jumps out at Chucks car and points a cardboard looking device at him.]

Alden [in a fake accent]: Hah, Mister Chuck. So ve meet again!

[Chuck gets out of the car]

Chuck [in a self important voice]: Who are you?
Alden: An old friend from our days at the academy.
Chuck: The Swiss Academy for Restaurant Managers?
Alden [accent getting more ridiculous]: Er....... Yis, I zink zat is the von.
Chuck: Then I must greet you.
Alden: GET BACK! This nuclear warhead is fully armed. I vill not hesitate to use
       itz!
Chuck: But it looks nothing like a nuclear warhead.

[Chuck steps forward]

Alden [forgetting accent]: Take another step forward and there will be a
                           tragedy!
Chuck: My friend, if you have any grievance then isn't it better best forgotten?
Alden: I'm not one for sorrow. But take one more step....

[Chuck steps forward]

Alden: Right. That does it.

[Alden presses a button and Chuck is zapped by a purple ray. Daves car pulls into
 the drive. He is accompanied by Mariane.]

Dave: And like I say, electric fences are the way forward for security.
Mariane: What's that!
Dave: It looks like a terrorist zapping Chuck with a purple ray from a
      nuclear warhead. We must save him!

[The car comes to a halt. The two run over.]

Alden: You vill not be able to save your friend now!

[The three look on at Chuck who is lying on the floor, zapped]

Chuck: Oh the pain! The first time they killed me off it was all a dream....
       the second time they killed me off I got four weeks holiday.... But 
       this time it's the end, and the moment hasn't been prepared for.

[Suddenly Aldens wig falls off. He tries to replace it, but then his
 sunglasses fall to the ground]

Mariane: It's Alden!
Dave: So he was the terrorist all the time!
Alden: Yes, and if you tell the police I'll have you written out of this soap
       as well.
Chuck: Going soon.....
Alden: Oh get on with it!
Chuck: I....I.....Tell...Tell....Trina......

[Dave looks up at Alden]

Mariane: Oh my God, you've killed Chuck. You git!
Dave: Well that's that then.
Alden: But wait, hey, it's not as if this doesn't benefit us all.
Mariane: What do you mean?
Alden: With the money we save from his wages, we get another couple of
       episodes.
Mariane: Well that's OK then.
Dave [stepping over Chuck]: I do love a happy ending.
Mariane: A tragic end for Chuck, but happy for us.......... Fade in Paul McCartney
        and Wings version of the theme tune..... I SAID FADE IN!!!!

[Paul McCartney and Wings version of the Theme Tune Fades In]

Storylining by

Marcus Durham, David Lewis, Aidan Folkes, Charles Daniels, Benjamin F. Elliott, Jefferson Eng

Back to the uk.media.tv.sf.drwho Homepage

Transmitted from the 10th of April 1999