Hello and welcome to the Bates Motel, the West Midlands top source of quality board and lodgings.

There's always some manic goings on in the best websoap around, Bates Motel, the soap that makes Triangle look like Dallas.

If you want to learn more about the mad characters then click here. Otherwise read on.....

Or if you want to catch up on seasons one and two then you'd better visit The Bates Motel Vault.

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Next Episode due Saturday the 10th of April

Extra Episodes on Saturday the 17th and 24th of April

Season 3 Episode 16

Written by Marcus Durham

Continuity Announcer: And remember, later tonight on Television Midlands we have our
                      new docusoap, "Armed Robbers", where a TV crew follows around
                      a gang of armed criminals. Some scenes are staged for dramatic
                      effect. Meanwhile we travel to a certain Motel in the West Midlands
                      in our newly renamed "Bates Motel - Kings Oak". As if it
                      made a difference......

Theme tune fades in

[Chuck is standing behind reception with Mariane]

Mariane: What's that you've got there.
Chuck: Er, nothing. Papers for the resturant that's all.

[The phone rings]

Mariane: Hello, Bates Motel, the West Midlands top source of quality board
         and lodgings....... Why are you laughing?..... Just because
         we laughed at you when Birtorado was axed? Hmm, well at
         least I'll work in TV again! 

[In the bar Marcus is looking hassled and is pouring himself a drink.
 In the foreground Michelle is enjoying a drink. Alden enters and notices Marcus.]

Alden: Why are you drinking on duty?
Marcus: It doesn't matter anymore!
Alden: What doesn't matter?
Marcus: Haven't you heard? About the cancellation? We're all doomed. Doomed I 
        tell you!
Alden: Oh, it hardly matters. I'll find other work. I did Doctor Who twice before
       I came here.
Marcus: I'll be out of work for the rest of my life! I'll just be wheeled out at 
        Christmas for pantos! I must stop the cancellation!
Alden: How many episodes are there left?
Marcus: We finish when we've run out of money. 
Alden: Oh well, we could run for years. We just need to stop spending the 
       budget. How much we got left?
Marcus: �15.00
Alden: Oh, 15 episodes then. Providing we don't splash out.
Marcus: We may not be on TV, but the Motel will live on. Somewhere in the
        West Midlands there will always be a cardboard reception desk with
        an anonymous non speaking extra handing over they keys to room 17.
Alden: Who would want to axe us anyway? We're cheap and popular.
Marcus: It's this new station controller.
Alden: And why the new name and image for us?
Marcus: They thought they'd waste even more money by trying to revamp us
        even though they are going to axe us.
Alden: But that doesn't explain it!
Marcus: The producer is having a not so subtle crack at another soap
        opera not a million miles from us.
Alden: Oh, Emmerdalek Farm.
Marcus: Not Emmerdalek Farm!

[Marcus pulls out a remote control. The TV in the corner comes into life.
 He flicks through the channels]

Marcus: Damn, can't find it. I could have shown you as well.

[Mariane walks in]

Mariane: Thanks for giving me a lift in this morning Alden.
Alden: Well when I saw you at the crossroads it was the least I could do.

[Suddenly there is a massive whoosing noise]

Alden: What was that!
Marcus: That was the sound of a joke going over the majority of the audiences heads.

[Michelle walks back over]

Michelle: We fight!

[Alden collapses to his knees and starts shouting in a Scottish accent]

Alden: IF WE FIGHT LIKE ANIMALS, WE'LL DIE LIKE ANIMALS!
Michelle: What is wrong with you Bates?
Marcus: I think it's these crisps. I knew Aidan made a mistake when he started
        stocking McCoys.
Alden: Speaking of which, where is Aidan?
Marcus: Borneo.
Alden: But why?
Marcus: Someone told him that they sell very nice track suits there.
Alden: But why?
Marcus: I told you.
Alden: But why?
Marcus: They sell nice track suits!
Alden: Buy why?
Marcus: Because the autocue's stuck!!!!
Alden: Oh...
Marcus: Why can't you learn your lines from a script like the rest of us.

[Dave runs in]

Dave: Quick! There's a phonecall. It's important news....... So important I've
      forgotten it...... Can we have another take darlings?

[pause]

Alden: That's why. 

[Father Rob bursts in]

Father Rob: DRINK! DRINK!
Marcus: I'm afraid there's no drink. You are banned from the bar until you pay
        the breakage's bill.... �3453.27p
Father Rob: NO DRINK?
Marcus: No.
Father Rob: DRINK!

[Father Rob punches Marcus and storms off]

[Meanwhile Charles and Trina are at Fairlawns]

Charles: Now Trina, how are things going here?
Trina: Well everything is running smoothly.
Charles: You wouldn't know anything about this cancellation would you?
Trina: Er..... um..... I know nothing about it.
Charles: Well keep your ear to the ground. I do like to know what's going on,
         especially when it could effect our future relationship.
Trina: Well, you've had TV work before. Space 1979?
Charles: Don't mention Space 1979!
Trina: Why?
Charles: I'm a serious actor! I don't do sci-fi anymore.

[Suddenly a strange noise can be heard]

Trina: What's that?
Charles: It is not a spaceship.... I don't do sci-fi. I don't do sci-fi!!!
Trina: It was only a spaceship noise. We can't afford spaceship visuals.... Hmm,
       it looks like a Cybership taking off from the Bates Motel. Could it
       be they have Cybermen staying there.
Charles: What are you going on about? Now are we having dinner tonight or what?
Trina: I'm washing my hair.
Charles: Again? 

[Meanwhile Jefferys is poking around the Bates Motel. He accidentally 
 walks into security.]

Dave: Can I help you?
Jefferys: Er, don't worry, I was just a little lost. I wasn't inspecting the Motel
          or anything.
Dave: Why do you have a clipboard and camera then?
Jefferys: ..... Well I was just taking some photos of the wallpaper. Very
          interesting it is as well.... Er, bye.

[Jefferys leaves]

Dave: He must have been sent to close us down! That's how this soap will end!
Dangermouse: But what can we do?
Dave: Destroy him! We'll destroy him at once!
Dangermouse: Or we could lock him in a cupboard!
Dave: Yes! Let's go! Oh the glory of saving all our jobs!

[They both run out into the corridor and catch up with Jefferys]

Dangermouse: We'd like a word.
Jefferys: Oh?
Dave: Have you ever visited Java?
Jefferys: Erm.
Dave: Well let us take you on a journey there.

[Dangermouse smothers Jefferys, and shoves him into a conveniently placed
 cupboard in the wall]

Dave: Say hello to the cupboard of doom!

[Dave slams the door. Suddenly Jefferies steps out from behind Dave]

Jefferies: Say hello to a conveniently placed TARDIS!
Dave: How did that get there.

[Dangermouse grabs Jefferies]

Dave: Welcome to another cupboard. And this one isn't a TARDIS!

[Dave opens another door, and Dangermouse throws Jefferies into it]

Dangermouse: Who's TARDIS is that?
Dave: Well it's not the Masters. Motel regulations state that all time
      travelling vehicles should be left in the carpark at all times.
Dangermouse: Hmm, do you think it could be a plotpoint from the future.
Dave: Could be. And when I opened the door to it, there was a curious burning
      smell.
Dangermouse: Hmm, I wonder where that came from.

[Dave opens the door up again]

Dave: [reading off the wall]: Property of RC.
Dangermouse: RC?
Dave: Well I'm not going in there and messing about.
Dangermouse: Neither am I.
Dave: Let's forget we ever saw it.
Dangermouse: Forget what?
Dave: Dunno, I've forgotten
Dangermouse: Forgotten what?

[Outside the Motel a cab pulls up. Out steps a familiar figure. Dai hurries 
 over to lend a hand.]

Dai: Miss Tina, you're back.
Tina: Yes, I am. I've come to get back my Motel.
Dai: Oh, well we're being chopped.
Tina: Eh?
Dai: Chopped..... Or was it axed?
Tina: We're being axed! What else has been going on in my absence.
Dai: Oh, I wouldn't know about that sort of thing, isn't it?
Tina: I had better find out what's happening.

[In reception the Master is talking to Mariane]

Mariane: Here's your latest bill.

[Master pulls out his wallet]

Master: Do you accept Mastercard?
Mariane: Ah, your bearded friend.
Master: Hang on a moment, I didn't have those?

[Master points at the bill]

Mariane: The porn channel?
Master: No, Time and the Rani!
Mariane: Well if it's on there you must have watched it.
Master: Er.... I must have pressed the wrong buttons!
Mariane: I'm sorry, but you'll have to pay for it!
Master: I shall not!
Mariane: I'm afraid you will.
Master: Well I've gone back in time, brought the Director lunch, and told him
        it would be best to make a different story that isn't Time and the Rani.

[pause]

Mariane: Er, sorry, we must have slipped a groove in time. What were we going on 
         about?
Master: Excellent.

[Tina walks in unnoticed, and goes straight through to the office.
 Meanwhile in a corridor in the depths of the Motel, Dave approaches Marcus.
 He mutters something to Marcus]

Marcus: Well if you are right then you'd better leave him there. And don't tell
        anyone.

[In the restaurant Chuck is serving the guests]

Cyberleader: What is on the pre-set menu?
Chuck: Golden Orange juice for starter, followed by steak with golden fried potatoes,
       and sponge with golden syrup for pudding.
Cyberleader: AARRGGHHHHH!!!!!!!
Chuck: What did I say?

[Chuck looks at his watch]

Chuck: Hmmm, Father Rob hasn't had a drink since yesterday. He should just
       about be sober by now.

[Chuck walks over to where Father Rob is sitting, asleep. Chuck pokes him, Father
 Rob stirs.]

Father Rob: Where am I?
Chuck: Bates Motel, Kings Oak.

[Father Rob looks around him]

Father Rob: What.... what.... WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!!!!!
Chuck: Er, that's a table.

[Father Rob looks around the room again and spots the Cybermen]

Father Rob: NUNS!!!!

[Father Rob runs from the restaurant. The Brigadier enters]

Brigadier: What ho Bates!
Chuck: I am not Bates!
Brigadier: Yes you are Bates!
Chuck: No I'm not!
Brigadier: You have a suntan and talk in a silly voice.
Chuck: Yes, but I don't have the charisma of a potato.
Brigadier: Eh Bates?

[A voice calls out from the kitchen. It's Pete]

Pete: Mr Chuck! It's a phone call for you laddie.
Chuck: If you'll excuse me Brigadier, but I've got to go and speak 
       to someone who's identity I cannot reveal.

[Marcus looks through the door, decides that he'd rather not mix with the guests
 and walks back into reception]

Marcus: Mariane, has anyone noticed a TARDIS parked in a cupboard in the 
        southern chalet block?
Mariane: No.
Marcus: Well keep an eye out for any stray Timelords. We don't want a repeat of
        last time and that whole Eye of Harmony business.

[Suddenly shouting can be heard. Marcus hurries to the main office]

Tina: Well how the hell did you let it happen!
Marcus: Ah Tina, you're back.

[Tina and Alden ignore Marcus and carry on regardless. Meanwhile Chuck walks
 out of the restaurant looking smug and self satisfied. Michelle spots him]

Michelle: You look happy with yourself.
Chuck: I have every right to be.
Michelle: Despite the prospect of being jobless come the end of the season.
Chuck: Oh well, that's life.

[Back in the main office]

Alden: It's not as if I have any control! It's a decision from the top!
Tina: I don't care for your excuses! What are you doing about it?
Alden: Well I've just had a job offer from Prisoner Cell Block K. They
       need a new....
Tina: You are not walking out now!!! Walk out and regret it!
Marcus: Can we just calm down things a little bit. We have few options left.
        It's end game, and we may as well play out the final moves.
Tina: You mean accept that this soap will soon be no more?
Marcus: Well, yes.
Tina: I say fight on! We'll save ourselves somehow! Are you two with me?....
      I said are you two with me?
Alden: I suppose so.
Marcus: Same here.
Tina: We'll need to save money. Some of the cast will have to go.
Marcus: Not any of us three I hope.
Tina: No, what we need is a senior cast member who we can kill off. 
Alden: Who?
Tina: Mr Chuck. I already have a replacement restaurant manager in mind. Tim Rush,
      he's cheap and has no experience what-so-ever.
Alden: But how will we kill Chuck off?

[There is a knock at the door]

Tina: Come in.

[Chuck walks in]

Chuck: I've just brought in the menus for tonight. Hmm, you three look like you
       are plotting a murder or something.

[Tina, Alden and Marcus all look at each other and then laugh hysterically]

Chuck: Hah hah, indeed. Well if you'll excuse me I'm needed in the restaurant.

[Chuck leaves]

Marcus: Don't you think killing Chuck is a little extreme?

Theme tune fades in, plays and then fades down

Alden: If it's war, you've got to play to win.

[Theme tune ends]

Storylining by

Marcus Durham, David Lewis, Aidan Folkes, Charles Daniels, Benjamin F. Elliott, Jefferson Eng

Back to the uk.media.tv.sf.drwho Homepage

Transmitted from the 27th of March 1999