Hello and welcome to the Bates Motel, the West Midlands top source of quality board and lodgings.

There's always some manic goings on in the best websoap around, Bates Motel, the soap that makes Triangle look like Dallas.

If you want to learn more about the mad characters then click here. Otherwise read on.....

Or if you want to catch up on seasons one and two then you'd better visit The Bates Motel Vault.

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Next Episode due Saturday the 27th of March

Season 3 Episode 15

Written by Marcus Durham

Continuity Announcer: And now here's Bates Motel, the soap voted most likely
                      not to win any awards, by the Welsh Society of Norse Lumberjacks.

[The phone is ringing in the Bates main office. Alden answers it]

Alden: Hello, Bates Motel the West Midlands top source of quality board and lodgings.
       What do you mean, will we do a charity special? With Rowen Atkinson starring
       as me? What do you take me for! Go away!

[Alden slams the phone down]

Alden: Timewasters.

[Meanwhile a group of silver men are in reception]

Mariane: Can I help you?
Cyberleader: Yes, I believe we have a room booked.
Mariane: What name?
Cyberleader: Erm, Jones?
Mariane: Ah yes, Mr Jones. That will be room 316. Here's your keys.
Cyberleader: Excellent.
Mariane: And may I remind you that taking over the universe is against the Motel
         regulations and local West Midlands by-laws.
Cyberleader: Well, er, there certainly won't be any of that going on.

[The group of Cybermen assembled all laugh and then walk off following the Cyberleader.
 Alden walks out of the office into reception. Marcus enters through the maindoors.]

Marcus: Ah, Alden. What's going on today then.

[Suddenly Michelle walks into reception carrying a tray. She trips up spilling
 tea everywhere. She proceeds to mop it up]

Marcus: Why is Michelle working as a waitress here?
Alden: Er, because I thought it would be funny to humiliate her.
Marcus: Didn't you think that she was more... well... management material.
Alden: No, I just wanted her to look silly.
Marcus: Do you ever think about the smooth running of this Motel?
Alden: Ummmm....
Marcus: Goodness me, I wish Tina was here. At least she would be able to
        see what the problem is.
Alden: What's the problem.
Marcus: That we are employing an experienced businesswoman as a waitress!
Alden: Yeah I know, funny isn't it?
Marcus: It's not funny it's tragic! In anycase I'm Motel manager and that
        means I hire and fire!
Alden: Yes, but it's funny seeing Michelle humiliated after what she did 
       to me at Fairlawns when I owned half of there.
Marcus: She didn't do anything! You're the one who messed up and threw everything
        away! In anycase, this is going to stop. I'm going to phone Tina in America
        and if she agrees that Michelle should become deputy manager then you
        with be out-voted.

[Marcus walks off]

Alden: But wait, can't you see the funny side?

[In a darkened room at an unknown location Trina not Tina is meeting Chuck]

Trina: I think this is the document that we have been waiting for.

[Trina hands Chuck a piece of paper. He studies it.]

Chuck: Aha. Excellent, truly excellent.
Trina: It's certainly everything I thought it would be.
Chuck: As usual you have done a first class job.
Trina: Would you expect anything less?
Chuck: Certainly not. Our future is secured. Together! Forever!
Trina: Our love is oh so true.
Chuck: But what of everyone else?
Trina: We can't look after them! I've secured us new jobs. We leave
       for Australia as soon as our job is done here. No obscurity for us!
Chuck: Oh, but I do worry so. What will they do?
Trina: Well no doubt they'll be dragged up for charity specials. Now,
       do we have to worry about them?
Chuck: I'd be more worried about Charles Daniels. When he finds out that
       you have abandoned him he's going to be pretty upset.
Trina: By the time he finds out we'll be on the other side of the world.
Chuck: I hope so. For our sakes I hope so.... Oh, if we'd only stayed in Mexico.

[At Bates Marcus is sitting in the office. The intercom buzzes]

Marcus [pressing the button]: What is it?
Mariane [via the intercom]: Michelle is here to see you. Although I fail to see...
Marcus: Send her in.
Mariane: And she's all dressed up. I fail to see....

[Marcus releases the intercom button. Michelle enters the office]

Marcus: Ah Michelle, do take a seat.
Michelle: Will this take long? I've got a dinner date with that strange person
          from security. The one who thinks he lives in 1977. Still I can't afford 
          to turn down a free meal on my wages. And with my reputation to think of!
Marcus: Well that won't be a problem much longer.
Michelle: What, I'm not good enough for a mere waitressing job now?
Marcus: Far from it. You are experienced in the Hotel and Motel trade. I have
        phoned Tina and she agrees that you should be offered a management job.
Michelle: What a relief! I thought I would be waiting on tables for eternity! And
          that Mariane is so mean!
Marcus: Report here tomorrow at 9am. We'll start training you.
Michelle: Oh splendid!

[Michelle leaves the office. Marcus picks up the phone]

Marcus: Hello, Dangermouse? I've just been looking at your timesheet. You haven't
        worked enough hours this month. Since today is the last day of the month
        you'll have to make up the hours by working tonight..... I don't
        care if you have a dinner date, just work!

[Marcus puts the phone down, smiles and then walks out of the office. He enters 
 reception and spots Michelle waiting for Dangermouse]

Marcus: Ah, I'm afraid I've just had a phonecall from Dangermouse. He won't be 
        able to meet you for dinner.
Michelle: Oh.
Marcus: But not to worry, I have a table booked myself. Why don't you dine with
        me and we can discuss your new position.

[The Master walks into reception, looks around and walks over to the reception 
 desk]

Master: Hello.
Mariane: Can I help you?
Master: I've been booked into the Motel for several weeks, but haven't been in any
        episodes lately. Can you rectify the situation?
Mariane: Well actually you're on now.
Master: Am I? Oh good!

[The Master turns directly to camera]

Master: I am the Master and you will obey me! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

[pause]

Master: OK, that's my contracted amount of mad laughing fulfilled. If anyone wants
        me I'll be in the bar.

[In security]

Dangermouse: I don't believe it! The first date I've had since 1974 and Marcus
             is making me work tonight.
Dave: Well we should go out on patrol.
Dangermouse: Next thing I know I'll loose my job.
Dave: Well I've just had my contract renewed!
Dangermouse: Are we going out on patrol?

[Dangermouse opens the door and walks out]


Dave: Ah, for the first time in years I feel my job is safe.

[Dave follows Dangermouse and leaves the room, but leaving the TV on. The camera
 moves to point at the TV]

Announcer: After 24 years, the Midlands soap opera Bates Motel is going to
           be axed. TV chiefs blame falling ratings. Television Midlands
           controller Michael Powell said that the soap was tired and dated,
           and that the station could no longer justify the expense. There
           has been outrage amongst the viewer, he says that he will march
           on Downing Street and make a record, "Alden in Distress".
           David Lewis, star of Bates Motel had this to say.

[On the TV a picture flashes up of Dai, except with sunglasses and big coat. He
 is emerging from the TV studio]

Dai [in a luvvie voice]: I have no comment darlings! No! No pictures!

[Behind Dai follows Alden, sans wig and suntan]

Alden: No comment!

[Finally a smaller figure in sunglasses and big coat emerges. Marianes voice 
 can be heard]

Mariane: My life is a tragedy! Like a dog I've been kicked whilst I'm down! 
         Good day to you, you may never see my like again
    
[Picture cuts back to announcer]

Announcer: Bates Motel will be replaced with a new Australian soap that will be
           even tackier and rubbish than Bates, but most importantly even cheaper
           and won't take up all that room in the studios. 

[Theme tune fades in]

Storylining by

Marcus Durham, David Lewis, Aidan Folkes, Charles Daniels, Benjamin F. Elliott, Jefferson Eng

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Transmitted from the 13th of March 1999