Hello and welcome to the Bates Motel, the West Midlands top source of quality board and lodgings.

There's always some manic goings on in the best websoap around, Bates Motel, the soap that makes Triangle look like Dallas.

If you want to learn more about the mad characters then click here. Otherwise read on.....

Or if you want to catch up on seasons one and two then you'd better visit The Bates Motel Vault.

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Next Episode due Saturday the 13th of March

Season 3 Episode 14

Written by Marcus Durham

Continuity Announcer: And now here's Bates Motel, the soap voted most likely
                      not to win any awards, by the Society of Norse Lumberjacks.

[Marianes car pulls into the Motel drive. Michelle is in the passenger seat. In
 an incredibly ambitious shot the scene cuts to the inside of the car. This
 might have looked better if the background wasn't just plain blue.]

Director (from off-set): Quick, turn the CSO on!

[Suddenly the blue background is replaced with moving footage of the motel
 drive]

Michelle: Thanks for giving me a lift in. I can't believe that they 
          re-possessed my car!
Mariane: Well, I'd rather have someone with me, Suki is very annoyed with me
         for some reason. She could make life very difficult.
Michelle: I think someone is trying to stir up trouble for the Motel. And
          I may know who it is.
Mariane: Still, it's nice to get to do some location footage, even if I am
         driving my own car against a CSO backdrop.
Michelle: Yes, the budget now can't stretch to providing all characters
          with their own cars, so some lesser characters are having to
          use their own on-screen.


[Dai enters the Motel reception, and is suddenly taken aback to see a man sitting at 
 a desk in the middle of reception. Chuck enters.]

Dai: Who's that be?
Chuck: Ah, well the crew of World of Sport have gone on strike, and the show has
       to go out, so the TV company have made us share our studio with World
       of Sport.
Dai: Oh.... So why's there a man sitting at a desk in the middle of reception?
Chuck: That's Dickie Davies, he's presenting it.
Dai: Presenting what boyo?
Chuck: World of Sport.
Dai: Oh... What's that then?
Chuck: It's our networked sports show, except it doesn't show any real sports as
       the BBC has all the rights.

[Suddenly aircraft noise can be heard overhead]

Chuck: There they go, the programme is about to start.

[The barn storming World of Sport theme starts up]

Chuck: Makes our theme tune sound pathetic doesn't it?

Dickie: Hello and welcome to World of Sport. Today you can look forward
        to seeing pro-celebrity nitro-gylercine powered combine harvester 
        racing, racing from Haydock Park, that thing where the men climb
        those poles, and the wrestling at 4PM.

[In security, Dave and Dangermouse are bored]

Dave: There's nothing on TV!
Dangermouse: I suppose we had better do some work then. Let's get to it.

[Dangermouse walks over to the door]

Dave: No, we don't need to leave here, we can monitor the rest of the motel
      from here. 

[Dave presses a button and a wall swings around to reveal a bank of screens]

Dave: Thanks to my investing the years entire security budget into this
      new piece of technology, we'll never need to leave the room again.
Dangermouse: But isn't the budget supposed to pay our wages as well?
Dave: Don't bother me with details!
Dangermouse: Look, we can see Alden conducting his new staff training programme.
             There's Mariane, Pete, Chuck and a load of anonymous extras.
Dave: I'll turn the sound up.
Dangermouse: I think he's doing self-esteem for workers today.

[Dave turns the sound up]

Alden: And you are all totally pathetic and useless!

[Via the monitor Alden is seen to walk up to Mariane and shouts at her]

Alden: WEAKLING SCUM!

[Dave turns the sound down]

Dave: I don't think Alden has mastered the technique yet.

[Meanwhile outside the Motel a giant lorry has turned up. A man jumps out and walks
 over to Marcus who is looking on]

Man: Are you the competition winner?
Marcus: Yes.
Man: Sign here please.

[Marcus signs]

Man: Right, here's your very own Radio 1 roadshow. All the DJ's are in
     cryogenic storage in the back. It's all automated, just press the red button.
Marcus: Is that all there is to it?
Man: But don't press the green button. It will unleash the most terrible evil
     on the universe. OK, bye now.

[Marcus walks over to the truck and presses the red button on the side. There
 is some whirring noises, an alarm clock rings and the entire lorry transforms
 itself into a stage.... A small crowd suddenly pops up from nowhere]

Loudspeaker: Now, the Radio 1 roadshow from Bates Motel, Kings Oak.

[A few lame cheers. Steve Bright bursts onto the stage]

Steve: Hi, and welcome to the Roadshow. Later on Bad Manners will be playing
       live, and the Krankies will be performing their strange and depraved act.
       But first, here's some Chris Rea...

[Mournful music comes over the loudspeaker. The audience (all three of them)
 walk off. Steve goes backstage.]

Steve: Well I think that's all going well.. 

[Simon Bates walks over]

Simon: I don't want to go all serious on you...
Steve: As if....
Simon: But my brother owns this Motel, and I don't want to meet him.... You
       see, he's a little strange and very boring. And he talks in a monotone,
       and he has no charisma..... It's strange to think how we could be related.
Steve: Eh sorry, what did you say? It's just you are so boring that my ears
       just switched off.... Hey did I tell you that they've offered me the
       breakfast show? I bet I can make a real success of it...
Simon: You seen John Strangelatenightmusic about?
Steve: He's not here, they won't let him on the roadshow after he locked
       all those people in that Stadium and made them listen to Beefheart for
       three hours.

[At Fairlawns Trina is discussing business matters with Charles]

Trina: And so our projected business figures for the coming financial year are
       30% up on what our previous forecasts had forecasted.
Charles: Excellent. And may I say what a smashing blouse you have on.
Trina: And then we move on to the share dividend forecast. On the given figures
       I can predict that the shareholders will be most happy with the performance,
       given the current financial climate. In short, they'll have a load of cash.
Charles: Will you have dinner with me tonight on my yacht?
Trina: I'm afraid I am already engaged tonight on an important business 
       conference in Bristol. Ever since that mad physicist from there
       did that cloning experiment, there appears to be two identical cities
       next door to each other. Quite fascinating. Of course, to stop
       confusion they'll have to rename the second Bristol. Holby might
       be a good name.
Charles: I always like a good pair of Bristols. Anyway, back to the point,
         or points I hope. Are you sure you can't have dinner with me tonight
Trina: No, I'm in Bristol.
Charles: It would make me most...unhappy...if you couldn't have dinner with me.

[Trina thinks about it]

Trina: Oh, OK. The Bristol thing wasn't really a secret cover story so I could
       meet up with Chuck anyway [laughs nervously].

[In the restaurant at Bates Jefferson is being served by Chuck]

Jefferson: And the ice-cream was hot!
Chuck: That's how it's supposed to be isn't it?
Jefferson: No, it's supposed to be cold!
Chuck: Hot, cold, it's all the same to me since that incident when a guest attacked
       me with a Mongoose resulting with me loosing all feeling in my mouth. Still,
       it's not like you are a hotel inspector or anything.
Jefferson: No, it certainly isn't.

[Both laugh. Suki walks in]

Suki: Where's Alden! I hope he's not with that Mariane! I know what they are
      up to!
Chuck: Marianes in the kitchen training Michelle in her new job.
Suki: And Alden? Is he with her? Eh?
Chuck: Alden is not with her. What's wrong? Anyone would think that someone
       was trying to set you up to get at Alden even though he's done nothing 
       wrong.
Suki: I'll be outside if anyone wants me!

[Outside the Motel at the roadshow]

Steve: And now our competition winner will entertain you.

[Steve dives offstage. The audience (consisting entirely of staff and guests
 look on as Marcus walks onto the stage and takes the microphone]

Marcus: Er, ummmm....... Er..... Go on get back to work! All of you!

[Alden walks out of the Motel]

Alden: Oh, so that's what the noise was.

[Alden walks over to the truck]

Alden: I wonder what this green button is for.

[Alden presses the button. Inside the truck we see a line of plastic
 chambers, some of which are empty. Some of the chambers have people
 inside them. Suddenly an alarm goes off and one of the chambers opens
 up. A large bearded man sits upright.]

Man: What's happened. I can't remember a thing........ very strange dream,
     I dreamt I resigned on air. Oooh, I'm in the roadshow truck. I haven't
     done a roadshow since 1977.

[Another chamber opens up]

Man 2: Eh? Anthea? Where's my toast?

[A third chamber opens up]

Man 3: And now at number one for the 6th week running, it's Jive Bunny!!!!
     
[Meanwhile on stage]

Marcus: Look, go away all of you!

[Suddenly there is a thunderclap]

Loudspeaker: 275, Radio 1. With BLT, Mr Anthea Turner and Bruno Jive Bunny!
Steve Bright (off stage): Oh no! Who pressed the green button and let that
             lot out.

[BLT comes onto stage and pushes Marcus off]

BLT: And now on the Roadshow we're going to talk about Me!
Bruno: And I'm going to play some Jive Bunny.

[A man in a suit comes onto stage]

Man: Are you Mr Anthea Turner?
Mr Anthea Turner: Yes.
Man: I am ordered to serve divorce papers on you.
Mr Anthea Turner: And I'm getting divorced live on-air!

[The remaining audience walk off back into the motel. Meanwhile Chuck is standing
 in reception, Alden enters]

Chuck: We have a problem.
Alden: Well deal with it.
Chuck: I can't. The World of Sport broadcast is about to end. This episode
       has to finish when World of Sport finishes. And look, Dickie Davies
       is about to wrap up!
Alden: Well we'll have to hurry up!.... So what did you do with Michelle.
Chuck: She's in training. She's going to be my executive assistant.
Alden: You mean she will be a waitress.
Chuck: Yes.
Alden: Ah, revenge is sweet!

[Michelle stumbles through reception carrying three trays and dressed
 as a waitress.

Dickie Davies: And that's all we have time for on World of Sport, and we'll see
               you next week

[Michelle falls over dropping everything]

Alden: That's it, keep her busy... Very busy.

World Of Sport Theme tune fades in (50k Realaudio file)

Storylining by

Marcus Durham, David Lewis, Aidan Folkes, Charles Daniels, Benjamin F. Elliott, Jefferson Eng

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Transmitted from the 27th of February 1999