Hello and welcome to the Bates Motel, the West Midlands top source of quality board and lodgings.

There's always some manic goings on in the best websoap around, Bates Motel, the soap that makes Triangle look like Dallas.

If you want to learn more about the mad characters then click here. Otherwise read on.....

Or if you want to catch up on the previous episodes (over two years worth) then you'd better visit The Bates Motel Vault

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Next Episode due Saturday the 27th of February

Season 3 Episode 13

Written by Marcus Durham

Continuity Announcer: Now we head off to Kings Oak for another dose of Bates
                      Motel. We must advise viewers that over-exposure to
                      Bates Motel may cause nausea and vomiting.

[In the present day Aidan is still in reception at Bates. He has his feet up and
 is reading a book. The sliding doors open half way and stop. Jefferson,
 the Motel inspector, walks on from one side in front of a flat backdrop
 and tries to get through the small gap]

Jefferson: Open the doors.
Stage Hand [oov]: We can't, the piece of strings broke.
Jefferson: I don't care, your ruining my scene.

[The stage hand appears and forces the door open. Jefferson approaches
 the reception desk. Aidan doesn't notice him, so he rings the bell on
 the desktop]

Aidan: Blimey, what was that.
Jefferson: I would like a room please.
Aidan: Okay let me see. I'll just check the computer.

[He pulls down a panel in the desk to reveal an Acorn Electron]

Aidan: Okay, my game still hasn't finished loading so I suppose I'll
       have to deal with you instead. A room you said?
Jefferson: Yes, a room. With a view.
Aidan: I'm afraid we don't have any rooms with views, except for the
       gasworks across the road. The builders forgot to put in the windows on
       the sea side.
Jefferson: I sea. I mean I see.
Aidan: Okay room 4501 is free. I'll just see if someone can carry your
       bags.

[He bangs a bell on the desk. Nothing happens. He bangs again. A Spanish
 man appears, realises he's on the wrong set and disappears]

Jefferson: Room 4501? How many rooms do you have?
Aidan: Officially 50 but there was a time-space paradox and rooms 4450
       to 4550 just suddenly appeared. You have to go through a really twisty
       corridor to get to them though.

[Aidan bangs the bell again]

Aidan: I'm not really sure where everybody is today. They seem to of all
       mysterious disappeared.

[Suddenly a huge plop sound can be heard and thanks to the marvels of
 video technology the picture suddenly jerks, Aidan and Jefferson
 suddenly move and Marcus appears behind the desk]

Marcus: It worked, I'm back. Aaaaaaargh it's a Hotel inspector.
Jefferson: I am not a Hotel inspector.
Marcus: Oh, okay if you say so. Probably a side effect of the time
        travel.

[In security another plop can be heard and Dave appears. He is sitting
 in his chair with a drink in one hand and a newspaper in the other]

Dave: Ah, good. Everything's back to normal. If you can call anything
      normal in this place.

[The TV starts up]

TV: Ah, good. Everything's back to normal. If you can call anything
      normal in this place.
Dave: Hmmm, I think UK Olds repeats of Bates are getting abit to recent.
TV: Hmmm, I think UK Olds repeats of Bates are getting abit to recent

[In the restaurant, Chuck appears. He is sitting in a bowl of soup]

Director: Where's the plop? Where's the plop!
Camera man: In the restaurant.

[Suddenly the plop is heard. Cut to a view of the motel exterior. Cut to
 a factory rooftop that doesn't look anything like the motel but it was
 the best they could find.]

Sound Effect: Plop. You know I can do a lot better than just plop.

[Alden appears, wearing a clown costume]

Alden: What the bum is going on? Now, how do I go about getting off this roof.
       Hmm, I suppose I should just wait here until the next scene that needs me,
       and I'll appear where I'm needed.
  
[In the kitchens Pete (who hasn't been seen for weeks) is preparing lunch]

Pete: Och! It's so terrible working in here laddie.... Did you hear me?
Chuck: Yes I did.

[The door swings open, Michelle enters and walks over to Chuck]

Chuck: Goodness! What are you doing here?
Michelle: Hello, I'm your new assistant.
Chuck: What qualifications do you have?
Michelle: I took general science at A-Level.
Chuck: And that qualifies you to work in my restaurant?
Michelle: I didn't say I passed.
Chuck: Oh.... good. I can't stand working with people who think they are more
       clever than me.
Michelle: Oh I can't imagine that happening.

[Trina enters the reception of the Bates Motel, looks around and then spots
 the sign pointing to the bar. She walks through and orders a drink. Alden
 enters, spots Trina and walks over]

Alden: And what's a lovely lady like you doing in here?
Trina: Well, I'm having a drink..... It is a bar isn't it?
Alden: Of course...... er..... excuse me.

[Alden turns his back to Trina and then pulls a small book marked "Richy Rich's
 big book of chat-up lines". Alden flicks though the pages, then places the 
 book back in his pocket before turning around.]

Alden: May I say that's a smashing blouse you have on.
Trina: Er.... And you are?
Alden: I'm Alden Bates, Managing Director of the Bates Motel

Trina: Are you really...... I must say that this is an unexpected pleasure.
Alden: Hang on a moment, why does the script make it sound like we don't know
       each other?
Trina: Because I framed you for my murder in the previous season. Then I ran
       off to Mexico with Chuck. 
Alden: But I still don't understand.
Trina: It would complicate the plot if you knew me previously, so we're
       kind of starting again. Don't worry, the audience will never notice.
Alden: So I'm still chatting you up?
Trina: [yawns] Guess so....
Alden: Where was I? Ah yes, that's a smashing blouse you have on...
Trina: So you're the Managing Director of this establishment?
Alden: That's me! That means I get the comfy chair and the big desk.
Trina: I'm Trina Short. I'm the new Managing Director of Fairlawns. That's
       the luxury hotel and marina complex on the other side of the village.
Alden: Well I knew that obviously. I did once own a share of it...... But I
       can't remember how I lost it.
Trina: Good, that's what I want to hear.

[Chuck enters and is taken aback to see Trina]

Trina: Ah, isn't that your restaurant manager?
Alden [looking over]: Yes. But, er..... you won't want to talk to him.
Trina: Why?
Alden: He has a rare and contagious disease.
Trina: Oh? He didn't last time I saw him.... Not that I know him in any way.

[Chuck walks over]

Chuck: Hello Madame. Can I interest you in booking a table in the restaurant 
       tonight.... We have fresh salmon, which I know is a favourite of yours.
Trina: How very.... tempting..... But no, unfortunately I have a business 
       appointment with a very old and special friend in one hour.

[Alden takes Chuck to one side]

Alden: Go away! Can't you see I'm onto a winner here!
Chuck: You'll be onto a black eye when Suki finds out.

[Aldens phone rings]

Alden: Hello? Suki? Why are you phoning me? Yes I know we're married, but
       we never have any scenes together, we never speak, in fact I can't
       even remember getting married to you...... What do you mean, if I read
       the Bates Vault I will find out why?..... Yes, I'll come and see you 
       now...... No, I'm not with Mariane..... No, I'm trying to pull
       in the restaurant....... Hello?

[Alden leaves]

Trina [in a whisper]: I must speak with you, but not here. Meet me at Fairlawns
                      in one hour. We can discuss matters on my new boat.

[In the office Marcus is listening to the radio]

Radio: Steve Bright in the Afternoon!...... Alright so here we are back with
       another talkie bit. So Rich, what's your favourite fruit?

[Alden enters]

Alden: I've got to go out and meet Suki.
Marcus: So?
Radio: Cabbage..... No Rich, that's not a fruit.
Alden: Well, I'll be going out.
Marcus: Look, I'm listening to Steve Bright! He's the only brightness in my day.
Radio: And now your chance for the Radio One roadshow to come to your home
       or place of work next week! Just answer this simple question....
       What colour is orange. Phone 01......
Marcus: I know this! Quick Alden, pass the phone!

[Marcus dials]

Alden: You'll never get though.
Marcus: It's ringing! I'm through....
Radio: And we have a caller on line one, it's....
Marcus: Marcus.
Radio: And what's the answer.
Alden: It's blue!
Marcus: Orange!
Radio: Correct! The fantabulous Radio One roadshow will be visiting your home
       or place of work next week, with all your favourite celebrity DJ's. And 
       now the Chris Rea extravaganza continues here on Steve Bright in the
       Afternoon.
Alden: My brother works at Radio 1.... Simon.
Marcus: Indeed.........


[Time passes. On a boat about a mile off the coast of the village, Chuck is standing
 on deck. Trina approaches]

Trina: What troubles you my dear?
Chuck: All this pretence. All the lies, all the hiding!
Trina: But it's best nobody knows.
Chuck: Are you sure?
Trina: Yes... It's important he doesn't find out. If he did he would surely
       destroy us......

[Theme tune fades in]

Storylining by

Marcus Durham, David Lewis, Aidan Folkes, Charles Daniels, Benjamin F. Elliott, Jefferson Eng

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Transmitted from the 13th of February 1999