Hello and welcome to the Bates Motel, the West Midlands top source of quality board and lodgings.

There's always some manic goings on in the best websoap around, Bates Motel, the soap that makes Triangle look like Dallas.

Next Episode due Saturday the 28th of November

Season 3 Episode 7

Written by Marcus Durham, Charles Daniels Aidan Folkes and Jefferson Eng

Continuity announcer: First of all we'd like to apologise to viewers in Swindon....
                      It must be awful for you. Anyway, now on Television Midlands,
                      that crappy old soap that we'd axe given half the chance.

[picture fades in]

Foreman: We, the jury...
Judge: Yes
Foreman: .....in a unanimous verdict...
Judge: Yes
Foreman: ....find the defendants....
Judge: Yes, Yes, quick I can see the square !
Foreman: Both guilty of all charges.

[The picture fades in to reveal a Red Maestro car travelling along a road.
 A new version of the theme tune fades in as the car is seen winding it's
 way through country roads until it pulls up outside the Bates Motel. Theme tune
 finishes.]

Judge: Well... well... well. It looks like you will both be going down for a 
       very long time.

[Michelle surges forward]

Michelle: It was all Aldens fault! He made me do it!

[Alden remains silent]

Judge: Get back Miss Nire.... Now I have decided to be lienant with you.
Michelle: Really?
Judge: No! But I thought you could do with a happy feeling for a few seconds.
Alden [to Michelle]: Just remain silent! You are making things worse!
Judge [turning to face Alden]: Norman Stanley Bates, you are an habitual criminal
                               who accepts arrest as an occupational hazard, and
                               therefore accepts imprisonment in the same casual
                               manner..... Oh sorry, wrong script.
Alden: Norman Stanley Bates indeed!
Judge: Ahem yes.

[The judge reaches down and puts on a black cap]

Alden [sniggering]: Oh no Michelle, you are for it now!
Judge: Alden Bates....
Alden: Oh no!
Judge: You have been found guilty of the murder of Trina, not Tina. Therefore
       I rule that you will be taken from this court and be hanged by the
       neck until you are very dead indeed.

[Alden faints. The judge turns to Michelle]

Judge: Michelle Nire.... You have been found guilty of fraud and wearing
       excessivly large shoulderpads.
Michelle: Not guilty!
Judge: And Colin Baker impersonations may well increase the severity of your punishment!
       In anycase, you will be sent to the Kings Oak prison for ex-soap stars.
Michelle: Prison! No! There's all sorts of strange people in there! Iris
          Madwoman! Dierdre Dull! Steve McNutter! Mucky Den! No! I won't have it!
Judge: Well that would be a first deary... Right, now get them out of here!

[The doors at the back of the courtroom swing open. A voice booms forth, it is 
 Aidan]

Aidan: I have video evidence that Alden did not commit the crimes! He was his
       seafort at the time of the alleged murder! And it was Dai who framed
       Michelle! Although I don't have any evidence to support this you'll have
       to accept it's true as on the next page of the script you let her go free
       because she is innocent.

Judge: Most logical.
Aidan: In fact, let's not even mess around now. Just let them both go because we
       already know it happens in the script.
Judge: Oh, OK. [turns to Alden and Michelle] All charges have been dropped, you may
       go free!
Alden and Michelle: Hurrah!

[pause]

Judge: So if you are innocent then the Status Quo must be restored.
Alden: I had one of their records once. On and On and On again, On and On again...
Judge: Look dear! Just because you are innocent it doesn't mean I can't have
       you chained up in my dungeon! So shut up whilst I'm speaking!
Alden: Oh, OK.
Judge: So where was I. Oh yes, this Dai person must be arrested this instant and
       thrown into an open prison just outside of Kings Oak. There will be no
       trial as this set has to go back on Monday morning. Therefore
       all his business transactions will become null and void.
Michelle [interjecting]: So he would loose his share in the Bates Motel, meaning
                         that there would be a chunk of shares on the market.
Alden: Meaning that if I sold my shares in Fairlawns then I could buy those shares up
       and be back in control of the Bates Motel.
Michelle: Well I'll be happy to have you out of Fairlawns. You have been nothing
          but trouble since the first day you set foot there.

[Back at the Bates Motel in the kitchens]

Chuck: My Pete, that's a very big knife you have there. It would be terrible if
       someone brutally hacked themselves to death with it.
Pete: Indeed laddie. 
Chuck: Is that a cake you've just baked.
Pete: Yes.
Chuck; What's it got in it.
Pete: Cocaine.
Chuck: WHAT!!!!!
Pete: Oh, sorry, I don't mean cocaine do I? The little things, oh yes, raisons.

[In the corridor at the court] 

Alden: How did you work that out!
Aidan: Simple, I banked on the fact that the judge hadn't read his script. So
       all I had to do was pretend that you were innocent and he believed me.
Michelle: But what's the secret.
Aidan: Nothing really, just the power of suggestion!
Alden: Well I think I will take a short holiday.
Aidan: Not to the Isle of Wight I trust.
Alden: I thought I might book into the Bates Motel. Then, when the time is right,
       I will claim my rightful place as the Managing Director.

[Off the coastline of Kings Oak on a luxuary yacht, Trina is watching
 Fairlawns through some binoculars]

Trina: Charles? Charles? Are you down there? Michelles back at Fairlawns, she
       must have got off! Charles, are you listening?

[no answer]

Trina: Well at least there's no chance of you being axed. You're the first character
       introduced by the new producer.

[The camera pans across to the coastline. Michelle is seen walking towards Fairlawns.
 Stephen runs out of the main doors]

Stephen: You're back..... but how?
Michelle: How indeed. You were not expecting me back I take it.
Stephen: Well, er.
Michelle: Enjoying your time as acting Manager of Fairlawns?
Stephen: Well, er.
Michelle: Well no longer! I'm back.
Stephen: Er, good.
Michelle: Oh and Stephen?
Stephen: Yes?
Michelle: You're fired.

[Early morning at Bates. Chuck and Marcus are in reception]

Chuck: Ah, what a splendid morning.
Marcus: Yes, everything is running smoothly at the Bates Motel. Finally.
        Haven't things got better since Alden packed up and left Bates.
	Yes, I think he's going to be leaving Kings Oak as well. I'd heard that
        he has sold his shares in Fairlawns.
Chuck: Good, he'll be gone for ever. Do we know who our new shareholder is yet
       by the way?
Marcus: No, but it can't be any worse than that idiot Dai.
Chuck: How are the convention preparations going? It's the 23rd today. Who would have
       thought of it, 35 years. And Phillip Scofeild in the lead role now. 
       Marcus: Er, that's Doctor Doolittle. We're hosting a Doctor Who convention.
Chuck: You mean we're not having Doctor Doolittle and his Daleks?
Marcus: All the stars are coming. The biggest name in Doctor Who history.  We did try
        and get Sylvestor McCoy. But he just screamed down the phone when
        I mentioned the time I met him at Fairlawns. Strange fellow. I did
        try and book the producer they had in the 80's, but apprently he's
        already attending an opening of an envelope in Swansea.
Chuck: Well at least Alden won't be here to mess things up.

[Alison walks over]

Marianne: I don't want to worry anyone, but I just saw Aldens car pulling into
        the carpark.
Chuck: What!

[The maindoors swing open. Alden strides in carrying a breifcase]

Marcus: Oh no, it can't be.
Alden: I'm back, and it's about time

[Commericial break tune plays]

Davros: Do you find getting up stairs is a struggle? Are you considering moving
        to a home where there are no stairs? Then don't! Skaro Stairlifts may
        be the answer to your prayers. Just press the button and even I can be
        at the top of the stairs in seconds. But don't take my word for it, listen
        to the mutant life-forms who have purchased the Skaro Stairlift:

Dalek 1: IT'S MARVELOUS! IT'S CHANGED MY LIFE!
Dalek 2: I NOW FEEL I CAN START EXTERMINATING PEOPLE AGAIN!

Davros: So buy your Skaro Stairlift today. Pay three installments of 12000
        Intergalactic credits and you can have your Skaro Stairlift delivered
        the next day. So ring now on 0800 000000. That's 0800 000000. Ring now!


[Commericial break tune plays]

[Marianne is on the phone]

Marianne: Yes, we are holding a 35th anniversery Doctor Who convention today...
          Yes, we have all the stars.... well most of them.... well some of them.


[Meanwhile at the conference hall Chuck and Marcus are directing
 Dave and Dangermouse who are preparing for the convention due
 to start in a few hours time]

Marcus: [sitting down absent-mindedly flipping through a magazine]
        We better hurry up!  Put some back into it!  The convention
        is due to start in a few hours time!

Dangermouse:You keep reminding us of that!  Thank you.
Marcus: Just establishing the scene, thank YOU!
Chuck: [sipping a tropical drink with umbrella] Yes, we are directing
       the help and you, Dave and Dangermouse, are the slave labour or
       for purposes of your contract our "generous helpers".
Dave: As again you keep reminding us!!  Are you going to establish
      this scene throughout it's entirety?  
Chuck: No, that was just to get the sadistic power kick I occasionally
       enjoy in these circumstances.
Marcus: Quite, now I'm going to read this fabulous article about
        poor working conditions in Austrian hotels and see if I
        can apply any of them here.
Chuck: Why don't you move that giant golden Zarbi statue? 
       (Points to the end of the hall indictating a massive  
        ant statue)
Dangermouse: That must weight six tons!
Chuck: It looks like it would, doesn't it?
Marcus: (not even bothering to look up from the magazine) It's actually 
        eight tons, I had it weighed this morning.
Dave: Well it could be twenty-eight tons for all I care, but I 
      don't see how you can expect us to move something THAT massive.
Chuck: Oh we don't actually EXPECT you too.
Marcus: Yes, we just thought it would be funny to see you try.
Dangermouse: And you two will just sit there and do nothing I suppose?!

[Marcus looks up]

Marcus: Nothing?  No my dear fellow, what ever are you talking about?
        I have an article to read!
Chuck: Yes, and SOMEONE has to set the napkins! 
Dave: What napkins?
Chuck: OH?  No napkins?  Well that wraps up my work then!
       Finish the job in half an hour or I'll have you both shot.

[Dave and Dangermouse look shocked]

Dave and Dangermouse: What?!
Dave: You wouldn't do that?
Chuck: Oh no, of course I wouldn't but after the Doctor Who convention
       there's going to be a bunch of right wing militant Nazis
       who are holding a Rubber Band Convention.
Marcus: Yes, they are so horrible, such prefectionists!
Chuck: Yes, I know, last convention someone gave them off white
       napkins and the entire affair was a disaster.

[Everyone stands around expectantly]

Marcus: So...
Chuck: MMhmm...yes.
Marcus: I think that's the end of the scene Chuck.
Chuck: Yes, and I was just getting to like it.

[At Fairlawns Michelle opens the door to the main office, it creaks open. 
 Cobwebs cover everything.]

Michelle: Good to see housekeeping are doing their job.

[She blow dust off the books and starts to read]

Michelle: These haven't been updated since I left.

[She reaches for the telephone and dials]

Phone: Hello, Takeit, Quickly and Run. How may I help you?
Michelle: Hello, this is Fairlawns Motel. I'd like to speak to Mr Quickly.
Phone: Oh, yes the ones who've gone bust.
Michelle: What!

[The camera zooms in on an angry Michelle. Meanwhile Marcus is standing outside the
 Conference Centre. Soldeed approaches]

Marcus: You attending the convention Mr Soldeed?
Soldeed: Indeed!

[Soldeed walks towards the door]

Soldeed: In the name of the Second Skonnan Empire!

[Soldeed strides into the conference centre]

Marcus: Oh dear, I've just thought of something.....

[Soldeed runs out of the conference centre looking very confused]

Soldeed: THREE! I've seen THREE!

[Soldeed runs off laughing madly]

Marcus: So you saw the three dancing Nimon then?

[Inside the conference centre the Nimon are dancing and the guests are arriving.
 Dave is ushering the guests. Meanwhile. In the Bates Motel main office Tina
 is working when Alden storms through the door]

Tina: Didn't you think about opening the door first.
Alden: Doesn't matter, all the doors are made of cardboard anyway.
Tina: What do you want?
Alden: Well now I'm back, I've come to reclaim control of Bates.
Tina: Oh, no you don't. I'm in control of the Motel now. Nothing in the World
      can stop me now.
Alden: Oh no you're not.
Tina: Oh Yes I am.
Alden: Oh no you're not.
Tina: Oh, no it's not Panto season already is it?
Alden: Oh yes it is.
Tina: He's behind you.

[Alden turns round to find Marcus standing dramatically in the Doorway]

Marcus: Hello, hello, hello. What's going on here then?
Alden: Tina says she's in charge of the Motel, but she's not I am.
Tina: Oh no you aren't.
Alden: Oh yes I am.
Tina: Oh no you aren't.
Alden: Oh yes I am.
Tina: Oh no you aren't.
Alden: Oh yes I am.
Tina: Oh no you aren't.
Alden: Oh yes I am.

[Suddenly a Nimon comes bursting into the room]

Nimon: Oh, I'm awfully sorry, I thought this was a Toilet.

[The Nimon leaves]

Marcus: The only way this can be resolved is...

[The camera zooms in on Marcus and wobbles]

[5 seconds later, the camera zooms out]

Alden: Come on, how can we resolve this.
Marcus: I was waiting for the sting, there's usually a short burst of music.
Alden: Just tell us will you!
Marcus: Okay the only way to resolve this is to call a meeting of all the
        shareholders.
Tina: What, you, me and Alden!
Marcus: Yes, and then we'll vote for a new Managing director.
Alden: But if Tina and I stand, and presumably vote for ourselves, 
       you'll hold the casting vote.
Tina: Er, Marcus, have I ever told you how smart and nice you are. Would
      you care for some caviar.
Marcus: I have the power, I can decide. Nothing in the World can stop me now!

[The camera zooms in, far to close, zooms out a bit and holds on Marcus's face.]

[The guests are arriving in reception. The first guest is 
 The Master, Third Zarbi From The Left, and The Ghost
 Of Patrick Troughton.   Alison and Tina are welcoming the 
 guests..]

Marianne: [to the Master] Hello!  And Who Might You Be
        Sir?
Master: I am...THE MASTER.

[Tina checks the guest roster]

Tina: There's no The Master on the list, sorry.
Master: Oi?  Oh, of course, I must have used one of my pseudonyms.
        One can't be too careful.  People will mob up on me if
        they find out I'm coming too far in advance.
Marianne: [charming giggle] Of course sir.  What name might you be
        under instead?
Master: The Magister?
Tina: (checks list) No, sorry again.
Master: Estram?
Tina: No sir.
Master: James Stoker?
Tina: No.
Master: My dear ladies, you are sensible persons.  No one with
        such rugged handsome looks as myself could be trying to
        deceive you surely.  Perhaps we can enjoy a drink later
        tonight in my room.
Tina: You're not in the guest book sir.
Master: Don't make me kill you puny being!  You don't know what
        forces you are dealing with!  (The Master pulls out his TCE)
Marianne: (Trying to stay calm) Are you absolutely certain there are no other 
        names sir?
Master: Well..let me think...Sam Theter?

[The Master gives an evil glare and levels his TCE as Tina checks]

Tina: Well...ahhh...any other name?
Master: Well there is..ONE.  One name, but once you hear this name
        ladies, I can not guarantee your lives to you.  Understand
        this completely.  It is an unspeakable name, too horrid to
        contemplate for too long, yet it may be the one you require.
        Is there a...Mr. Flopsy Furry Ears on your guest list?

[Tina checks]

Tina: A Mr. John Flopsy Furry Ears?
Master: Yes, that would be it.
Marianne: I can see why you saved it for last, Mr...Convention Guest.
Master: So I have your words it will not be repeated?
Marianne & Tina: Sure!
Master: Good day!

[The Master walks cheerily by and is quickly followed by Third Zarbi
 from the left]

Marianne: And you must be Mr. Fibre Glass Ant Costume!

[3rd Zarbi from the left rubs his legs together in excitement]

Tina: Excellent!  Go right in and find our special Vortis room 
      with all the other insects.  The Wirrn is already here!

3rd Zarbi from the left chirps on by and is followed by the Ghost
 Of Patrick Troughton]

Troughton: Hello!
Tina: And you are?
Marianne: Let me guess!  Second Spooky Spectre to the Right! 
Troughton: No, I'm The Doctor.
Tina: Oh!  Excellent chaps!  All of them!
Marianne: Hang on a minute, I thought you were dead!
Troughton: Well I'm not breaking the laws of mortality but I am
           bending them quite a bit.
Tina: You must have been the one who wasn't too much for rules.
Troughton: Quite!  Do you have a recorder room?  I'd like to
           take off my fur coat and relax awhile.
Marianne: It's almost like every bad cliche about the Second Doctor
        has come to life into one entity.
Tina: Yes it is interesting isn't it?  Well Doctor go down the
      hall, to the left, past the Macra and the Cyberroom 
      and you'll find it.
Troughton: Thank you!


[Alden walks out into reception. Almost immediately Suki enters through
 the main doors]

Suki: I heard you were out, but I didn't expect you back here this quickly.
[pause]

Alden: They.... couldn't keep me away. 
Suki: Oh.
Alden: I'm back, and this time it's for good.
Suki: You say that now.....
Alden: We must talk.... but not here.

[Alden and Suki walk out of the main doors. Meanwhile the guests are arriving
 in the conference hall. Marcus and Chuck welcome them, the first guest is a man
 in a long scarf, and silly hat, the second is Tom Baker]

[Geek in long scarf and silly hat approaches Marcus]

Marcus: Are you the Doctor?

Geek: No!  I'm just a HUGE Whovian!  I materialised here this morning
      and it's SO Amazing!  I haven't been this excited since Power
      Of Kroll was released on video! And that got rather messy
Chuck: Well make your way in sir!

(The Geek walks by and a man in moderate clothes walks up)

Marcus: Are you a Doctor Who fan too?

Tom Baker: No, I'm The Doctor!  The longest running one!  A children's
           hero!.... Where's the bar?
Marcus: Sorry, I don't know you off hand.  Were you the guy with
        the yellow car?
Tom Baker: WHAT?!
Chuck: [Trying to save the situation] Step right in sir, it will be
       be filled with your favorite Doctor Who Monsters.

Tom Baker: Doctor Who Monsters?  Lalla Ward isn't in there is she?

[Father Rob pushes past]

Father Rob: DRINK! DRINK!
Tom Baker: Ah, somebody who speaks my language!

[Marcus pushes Tom Baker along to make room for the other guests to
 enter, however the next guest (Hilter) is in a brown shirt and short 
 moustache]

Marcus: Another Doctor Who fan sir? Or are you a member of the Arthur Brownlow
        Appreciation Society?
Hitler: Who?
Chuck: Precisely sir!
Hitler: I am here for zee convention!
Chuck: Excellent! Go right in sir!

[Marcus pushes Hilter in as he screams "And The napkins better 
be the right shade of pale this time!"]

Marcus: Doctor Who fans!
Chuck: Yes they are so touchy!  Little Nazis aren't they?

[Time passes. In the convention hall Marcus is presenting. He steps
 onto the stage and silences the audience]

Marcus: And now the highlight of the day. The new producer of Doctor Who
        , who proposes to bring that show back to our screens. Although
        personally I watch Coronation Street.

[Suddenly Hitler pushes to the front and takes the stage. The crowd applause.]

Hitler: It has come to my attention that the organisation has become WEAK!
        THIS MUST STOP!!!!

[Rampant applause]

Hitler: We must RISE AGAIN! THE NINTH RIECH WILL SOON BE UPON US!!!!!

[More applause]

Hitler: WE WILL CONQUER ALL!!!!!!!

[More applause]

Hitler: ALL MAVERICK UNITS WILL BE EXTERMINATED.

[Silence. Davros pushes to the front]

Davros: Bollocks they will!
Hitler [still screaming]: YES, AND HOW WILL YOU STOP ME? 
Davros [beginning to scream]: You are begining to INFURIATE ME!!!!!!!!!
Hitler: OH AM I INDEED!!!!! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
Davros: I AM THE SUPEREME LEADER OF THE IMPERIAL DALEK FACTION!!!!!
Hitler: OH YES???
Davros: AND YOU ARE DEAD! YOU DIED YEARS AGO MATEY!!!!
Hitler: AND WHAT ABOUT YOU SUNSHINE? YOU'RE NOT EVEN REAL!!!!
Davros and Hitler: OH BUGGER!!!!!

[Davros and Hitler disappear in a puff of logic. Marcus steps forward]

Marcus: Er, you better all go and get something to eat. The questions and
        answers session begins in an hours time.

[In the kitchen, Pete is slaving away at cooking the food and sticking
 his head in the oven, of course.]

Pete:  Och my giddy Aunt, I'll never get this rump roast finished in time.

[Chuck walks into the kitchen and almost bumps into Pete who is still
 looking at whatever's in the oven]

Chuck:  Oh, I'm sorry.  I didn't see you there.
Pete [as he's coming out from the oven]:  Do you mind laddie?  This is my
     kitchen.  Now what do you want?
Chuck [looking down at Pete]:  Will you hurry up?  We got a bunch of
      hungry fanboys out there waiting to get fed and you're making a five
      course meal?!?!
Pete:  Well, they did pay top money and actually filled this motel up
       pretty well laddie.  
Chuck:  That's because we already had a contingent for the rubber band
        convention as well.  It wasn't that hard to fill a half-filled motel.

[Alison walks into the kitchen looking as is she's been mauled]

Alison:  Oh my, so many people.  Pete, where are those hot dogs in a bun
         thingies.  The people out there are getting irate and they're very
         hungry.
Pete:  And I suppose you want to server them hors d'oeuvres?  [points to
       a couple of trays at the end of the counter] They're over there.

[By this time, Chuck has gathered most of the serving staff together.]

Chuck [looking over the serving staff]:  Um...for some reason you guys
      don't look right.  Hands up all those who aren't cardboard cut-outs.

[Only two people raise their hands]

Chuck:  Only two?  What happened to the rest of the serving staff?

Alison [holding a tray of hot dogs in a bun thingies]:  Sorry, we didn't
       have a budget for even the non-speaking extras.  We got these two off the
       street.  Besides, it's so hard to get good serving help these days.
 
[walks off with the tray out of the kitchen]

Chuck:  Okay, here's what you should expect from the fans out there when
        serving the food.  Expect them to be rowdy, inconsiderate, rude, and
        mainly drunk.  Don't let that get to you.  Just the serve the food and
        get out of there as quickly as possible.  Oh, and if you get hit by a
        rubber band, don't worry.  That's our rubber band contingent also staying
        in the motel.

[The 1st server begins to speak but is stopped by Chuck.]

Chuck:  Don't speak.  It's bad enough we have to pay for non-speaking
        extras as it is.  The budget doesn't allow for them to speak as well. 
        [points to the soup]  Now the first course of the meal is the soup.  


[The servers stand there quietly nodding]

Chuck:  What are you waiting for?  Serve the soup!

[The servers then rush to fill some soup bowls. At Fairlawns Stephen bursts
 into the main office.]

Michelle: What the hell do you want?
Stephen: I've come to see if you've reconsidered.
Michelle: Have you indeed? Well get out, I fired you. You'll never
          work in Kings Oak again!
Stephen: You're finished! You may have escaped those fraud charges but
         you won't escape Fairlawns going under!
Michelle: Rubbish! There's nothing wrong!
Stephen: Hah! Indeed! I may be being written out, but I know what the scripts
         have in store for you Michelle Nire. And it's big, red, has four wheels
         and strikes a simaler tone to how old Arthur Brownlow met his end!

[The camera zooms in on Michelles shocked and puzzled face. Meanwhile
 back in the conference centre at Bates.]

Marcus: And now the question and answer session. Where you the audience answer
        questions from the guests...... Oh hang on, that's not quite right.... er..

[The guests walk forward. A Nimon, a Zarbi, an ill looking Patrick Troughton and an
 anonymous looking man]

Marcus: First question. You there, the man with the scarf....

[The entire audience begins to speak]

Marcus [shouting]: Er, I mean the man with the scarf next to the man with the scarf.
                   Your name please.
Man: Eric Briggs.
Marcus: And your question?
Eric: Of all the characters in all 26 seasons of the series, plus the
      books, comics and audio projects, official and fan produced, which
      of them do you think had the biggest nose?  
Nimon: Well, I have the biggest horn.
Anonymous Man at the end of the table: Apart from Turlough when
          he carried me out of the sea in Planet of Fire.
Eric: And who are you?
Anonymous looking Man: I'm Nicola Bryant.
Marcus: Wow, you look so different when you're on TV. 
Eric:  Could you explain how you would define "nose"?
Nimon: I couldn't possibly answer that question as I've signed a non-disclosure
       contract with the BBC.
Marcus: Right, now next question from the audience. [points towards another person]
Person: I'm Robert Smith and I'd like to ask a question of Patrick Troughton.
Troughton: Fire away!
Robert Smith: You're not Patrick Troughton are you?
Troughton [accent slipping]: Ahem, I don't know what you mean.
Robert Smith: You're not Pat Troughton. My suspicions were first 
              aroused when you walked up to the stage. You see, Pat Troughton
              had larger feet!

[audience gasps]

Troughton: But being dead does these things to you!
Robert Smith: You are not Patrick Troughton. You're Colin Baker!!!!

[Troughtons clothes fall away to reveal Colin Baker dressed in his Doctors clothes]

Marcus: But why?
Colin: I just couldn't get the work. Then I saw this convention and
       I knew they would never invite me.
Robert Smith: But why?
Colin: I saw this convention and they didn't invite me. So I came in disguise to get
       the free money and free drink.
Marcus: There's no drink. Tom Baker and Father Rob have drunk the place dry.
Colin: Bugger!

[The scene cuts to the countryside outside of the village. Aldens car pulls
 up. Alden and Suki get out.]

Alden: Are you glad I'm back.
Suki: I suppose so.
Alden: Well you are my wife.
Suki: Thanks for reminding me.
Alden: You know it strikes me that I can't even remember marrying you.
Suki: Er.... that's because we married when..... er... well I've got the papers.
Alden: All I remember is waking up in that hospital bed a year ago and then you
       telling me that you were my wife and you owned half of everything I own.
Suki: Indeed.
Alden: So you will own half of Bates when I have control again.

[Suki steps forward.]

Suki: Oh Alden!
Alden [looking towards the village]: With control of the Bates Motel, we will
      be the most powerful people in Kings Oak. To the future my darling!
Suki: To the future!

Storylining by

Marcus Durham, David Lewis, Aidan Folkes, Charles Daniels, Benjamin F. Elliott, Jefferson Eng

Transmitted from the 14th of November 1998

�1998 Marcus Durham and therespective writers of this episode. No part of this episode may be reproduced without prior written permission from David Hunter and Miss Diane. No attempt is made to supercede any existing copyrights.