Hello and welcome to the Bates Motel, the West Midlands top source of quality board and lodgings.

There's always some manic goings on in the best websoap around, Bates Motel, the soap that makes Triangle look like Dallas.

If you want to learn more about the mad characters then click here. Otherwise read on.....

Or if you want to catch up on the previous episodes (over two years worth) then you'd better visit The Bates Motel Vault

Back to the uk.media.tv.sf.drwho Homepage

Next Episode due Saturday the 14th of November

Season 3 Episode 6

Written by David Lewis, Charles Daniels and Marcus Durham

[The picture fades in to reveal a Red Maestro car travelling along a road.
 A new version of the theme tune fades in as the car is seen winding it's
 way through country roads until it pulls up outside the Bates Motel. Theme tune
 finishes. In the main office at the Motel Tina, Chuck, Dave, Dangermouse, Suki
 and Alison are are assembled]

Chuck: What are we going to do about this new producer?
Suki: You know what they say...
Chuck: Do I?
Suki: A new broom always sweeps clean.
Chuck: What's a broom got to do with this? We've got a new producer and he's 
       bound to kill some of us off.

[Marcus bursts in holding some pieces of paper]

Marcus: Look at this! I've got a plot proposal for next weeks episode here!
Chuck: What's wrong with it.
Marcus: Let me read it to you... "Episode 666:Bates Motel - Death Train. By Andrew
        Cartfell."
Suki: He's the person who used to write for the BBC's Predictable Disaster Hospital
      Series. He's bonkers!
Marcus [reading]: The staff of the Motel go on a day trip by train to
                  Birmingham. Unknown to them the train is hi-jacked by
                  Football hooligans and young Conservatives. Meanwhile
                  a nearby nuclear reactor goes into overload, destroying
                  the West Midlands and parts of Swindon. Meanwhile
                  an overhead Jumbo Jet get's into trouble and crashlands
                  on the Motel killing everybody. To add to the problems 
                  aliens invaid and destroy the planet.....
Chuck: Stop! Stop! He's mad! He can't do that!
Marcus: Well what can we do about it?
Chuck: We don't go on the trip.
Marcus: But that won't stop them. There will be other ways of killing
        us off. Tripping up and your head falling off, being horribly
        electricuted by some faulty wiring, being strapped to a
        chair and being made to watch that awful Australian soap
        "The Cobbers Next Door".....
Chuck: Stop! Stop! I can't take any more!
Marcus: Look, they can't sack us. We're at the centre of the nations affections.
        They love us! Why, only last week I was opening a supermarket in Swindon
        and this old lady came up to me and....
Chuck: Asked for your autograph?
Marcus: No, actually she hit me. She said she'd seen me on Crimewatch.
Suki: But we're under contract!
Marcus: That doesn't count for anything! Anyway we shouldn't worry that much,
        Alden and Michelle stand a much greater chance of being written out.
        It's their final day in court, and if they get sent to prison then
        they'll never be seen again!


[Dai is in the kitchen rifling through cabinets, cupboards, the sink
 basin, the trash can, he feels under the kitchen table and SCREAMS
 in pain as he trips a mouse trap!]

Dai: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  

[Pete looks down at Dai, completely calm]

Pete: Are you looking for something?
Dai: I'M HUNGARY, WHERE'S THE JAM!!!!!!!
Pete: Have you looked in the cupboards?
Dai: Jam?
Pete: No.
Dai: Where's the Jam, boyo?
Pete: I once had a friend named Billy you know, poor dear old Billy.
Dai: What are you talking about?  Need Jam!  
Pete: Poor old Billy died in the Jam Famine of '83.  It was horrible,
      he was nothing but a quivering clump of jelly at the end.
      It was disgusting.  I remember when we found the body, 
      everyone was violently ill for weeks.   The smell of
      fruit stenched the air.  Blackcurrant was the worst.
      They had no pity at all for the likes of us.  You still want jam?
Dai: YES!!
Pete: We all want Jam.  Every man, every woman, every child of this
      great land is crying out for jammy goodness laddie.  However
      there will be no jam, Dia.   Tina hid it all this morning.  
      No one knows where it is and it can't be replaced.
      A horrid national jam shortage has swept the land.
      They'll be riots in the streets, war may break out, 
      dark bleak days ahead but Scotland will go on!
      We'll make jam in the beaches, and jam in the skies..
Dai: I don't have time for this!
Pete: Jam in the bushes, and Jam in the trees, Jam in the fields,
      and jams on the buses..
Dai: I've got to go to court boyo, I need jam!  I'll be back for
     jam!!!

[Dai runs out clutching his stomach, seeming a strange shade of 
 purple.  Pete rants on non-stop about jam being the centre piece
 for all democracy]

[At Fairlawns Aidan is sitting having a drink and watching a
 tv screen which shows two blurry people doing questionable things
 to each other and saying even more questionable things to each
 other]

Aidan: It's so rewarding to know all about surveillance electronics!

[Intently watching the screen as we overhear the people in the
 tv screen "Oh Alden! Not the big one!!! Stephen walks over to Aidan and
 watches the screen for a moment. They point point at the screen and give
 a smile before we hear "Hey??  What's that??"  "Don't worry it won't hurt!"
 "NO!  Not that!!  Alden!  There's a bug in the room!!  Someone is listening in!"
 "Oh darling!  That's so exciting!  You little devil!"]

Stephen [looking down at Aidan]: What are you up to?
Aidan: Oh not much, having a relaxing day.  I have the footage
       that will prove Alden's innocence, you know.  It's MOST
       fascinating!
Stephen: I can tell!  So what are you doing here?
Aidan: Me?  I'm just sitting back here enjoying the beautiful
       Fairlawns where no one will ever find me.
Stephen: I found you.
Aidan: I'm just sitting back here enjoying the beautiful Fairlawns where 
       no one else will ever find me. I'll be an invisible little
       Spiridon with a fashionable purple fur coat and a voice like
       an obscene phone caller.
Stephen: So you aren't going to take the video to court?
Aidan: Whatever for??  I'm on holiday!

[Aidan wiggles his toes and relaxes into the chair. The Brigadier walks in]

Brigadier: What-ho! I have't been on for ages so I thought I would just pop
           in and get some screen time. Wouldn't want that new producer chappy
           to not know about me.

[Pause. Suddenly masked gunman burst into the room]

Gunman 1: Nobody move! We're violent gunman but we can't be really violent as 
          this show is broadcast in the early evening. Likewise we can't use
          any bad language. Now everybody get on the floor!

[Aiden and Stephen get on the floor. The Brigadier remains standing]

Gunman 2: Get on the floor or we might just have to blow your freaking brains
          out!
Aidan: What do you want!
Gunman 1: We're hired assassins. Hired by a secret covert operation.
Gunman 2: Cats against the bomb.
Gunman 1: And we believe the Brigadier was involved in some sort of obviously
        made up testing. Thereby we've come to kill him in a totally
        contrived plot designed to kill off a character.
Aidan: So the cast culling has started?
Gunman 1: That's right. So we're just going to take the Brigadier outside and kill
          him off-screen. This is a family show after all and it saves on the budget. 

[The gunman take the Brigadier outside. Shots are heard, then the screeching
 of car tyres]

Stephen: I wonder who's next.
Aidan: Indeed.

[Meanwhile at the trial of the decade]

Judge: Defence Cousel, do you have any witnesses to call, before I find you guilty.
Michelle: M'lud I wish to call to the stand, Mr Alden Bates

[court goes ahhhh] 
Judge: Do that again.
Michelle: What ? M'lud I wish to call to the stand, Mr Alden Bates

[court goes ooohh]

Judge: How come you get crowd effects, and I don't ?
Michelle: I just suppose I'm used to working a crowd.
Judge: So I've heard, ducky.
Michelle: Look who's talking.
Judge: Enough of this jovial banter, I will not have people procrastinating in my court.  

[court goes oooeeerrrr]

Judge: Get on with it, before I add contempt to your list of misdemenours.
Michelle: M'lud I wish to call to the stand, Mr Alden Bates

[court starts to make a noise, judge glares at them, and it ends up with just
 one person embarrasingly trailing off]

Judge: [picking on the culprit] You there, man at the back with a loud Hawaiian-style
       shirt on, get out, before I have you thrown out.  And are you chewing ?
Man: (mumble) No, (mumble) honestly...
Judge: GET OUT, I will not have people masticating in my courtroom.
Man: You can't do this to me, I'm a well respected TV Producer.
Judge: That's what you think, luvvie.  You obviously haven't been to any
       conventions lately. I sentance you 15 years hard labour.  You are to
       work for 15 years, making the same TV programme, without parole, until
       finally it ends.  Enough of these cameos, get on with it clerk. And none of
       this Mr Bates nonsense either.
Clerk: Call Mast....um, eh, Alden Bates.

[Alden walks past Michelle, and takes the stand]

Michelle: [whispers to Alden] Deny everything Alden!
Judge: You do understand Mr Bates, you are still under oath.
Alden: I'd rather be under oath and facing a murder charge, than under
       Anne Widdecombe.

[Michelle walks up to where Alden is standing]

Michelle: Are you Alden Twistelton Whickham Linton Millhouse Bates ?
Alden: No
Michelle: But you were a former Proprieter of Bates Motel, part-time
          International Arms Dealer and French Caberet Chaneutse ?
Alden: No
Michelle: Be bit more helpful Alden, it is me.
Alden: No it isn't.
Judge: Miss Nire, do you have any more witnesses ?
Michelle: No M'lud, I was hoping Alden here would help, isn't that right Alden.
Alden: No

[Back at the Bates Motel in reception]

Alison [on the phone]: Yes, we do have internation conference facilities...
                       You want to hold a convention? To mark the 35th 
                       birthday of the televison series Doctor Who? Well,
                       I'm sure we can arrange something.

[The camera pans across reception to an elderly looking Dave. Chuck enters]

Chuck: Why are you looking so old?
Dave: Well Dangermouse and I were exploring the area behind Aldens old office when 
      some sort of ray aged me.
Chuck: What are you doing to recify it?
Dave: We'll find something.
Chuck: I'd be worried. The new producer probably wants to give us a younger image. 
       So any old people are liable to be axed!
Dave: No! But they can't! I've been here since the first episode!
Chuck: Even more reason to axe you then!
Dave: But you've been here since episode one as well!
Chuck: Cripes!

[Back in court]

Judge: If that display has concluded the case for the defence.  I must now send 
       out the jury. Gentleman, you must cogitate on the evidence that has been
       presented to you.  There are separate charges against Miss Nire and Mr
       Bates, you can find either or both of them guilty.  I want a nice clean
       verdict, with no holding or biting.  We want a quick verdict, don't
       entertain any ideas of free nights in hotels, our budget won't run to
       that, and anyway we need the verdict just as that little flashing sqaure
       appears in the top right corner of the TV screen.  Do you understand ?
Foreman: I shall come back, yes one day I shall come back.
Juror 4: It's the end, but the moment has been prepared for.
Juror 7: There're are worlds out there where the skys are burning...
Juror 8 [interrupting with head in hands]: Oh no not again!
Judge: A simple yes will do.
Foreman: Hmmm, what, Chesterfield, hmm Yes.
Clerk: Jury dismissed.

[In Dai's room at Bates Tina is searching for the Metablis crystal that gave
 Dai his enhanced brain power.  She rifles through the cabinets, 
 cupboards, the sink basin, the trash can, she feels under the table
 and screams in pain as she triggers a mouse trap!]

Tina: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! 

[She runs around the room screaming and yelling, as she screams
running around the room Dai walks in incredibly sick, a strange
violet grape color, and looks around the room]

Dai: Huh.  That's funny I thought I heard something.

[Tina tries to hide by standing next to the sink basin as still
 as possible but he wanders in and gets sick in it, still not
 noticing her]

Dai: BBBBBBBBWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

[Dai looks up to a mirror and adjusts it to look at himself,
 Tina is reflected dead centre in the mirror]

Dai: Alone at last.  

[Dia stumbles across the room, he goes over to a far wall takes 
 a picture of Jon Pertwee in a clown costume off the wall to reveal 
 a secret compartment where the crystal is]

Dai: Pretty, Pretty!

[Dai reaches into the secret compartment and holds the crystal
 in his hand]

Dai: Well, I bet it's not real.

[Tina rushes snatches the crystal from him.]

Tina: Ah-ha!  At last!  It is mine!

[Dai looks at his hand confused]

Dai: Jam??

[Dai collapses to the floor]

[Back at the trial, Alden and Michelle are waiting for the verdict

Judge: Clerk bring back the Jury.

[Jury file in and sit down]

Judge: Have you reached a verdict, (aside) You'd better had, were running
       out of airtime. 
Foreman: Hmm, yes, a verdict...yes.  If it please M'lud we'd each like
         to pronouce our own verdicts, so we get paid for speaking parts,
         rather than the non-speaking extras we've been for the last five
         weeks.
Judge: No, we haven't got time for all that nonsense, just tell me, Guilty or Guilty ?
Foreman: We, the jury...
Judge: Yes
Foreman: .....in a unanimous verdict...
Judge: Yes
Foreman: ....find the defendants....
Judge: Yes, Yes, quick I can see the square !
Foreman: Both guilty of all charges.
Judge: At last, fade to fancy new end sequence.

[Theme tune fades in]

Storylining by

Marcus Durham, David Lewis, Aidan Folkes, Charles Daniels and Benjamin F. Elliott

Back to the uk.media.tv.sf.drwho Homepage

Transmitted from the 30th of October 1998

�1998 Marcus Durham and the respective writers of this episode. No part of this episode may be reproduced without prior written permission from David Hunter and Miss Diane. No attempt is made to supercede any existing copyrights.