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There's always some manic goings on in the best websoap around, Bates Motel, the soap that makes Triangle look like Dallas.

If you want to learn more about the mad characters then click here. Otherwise read on.....

Or if you want to catch up on the previous episodes (over two years worth) then you'd better visit The Bates Motel Vault

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Next Episode due Saturday the 31st of October

Season 3 Episode 5

Written by Aidan Folkes, Benjamin F. Elliott and Marcus Durham

[Soldeed's room. Soldeed is fast asleep. His beard stirs, brushes itself
 out, elongates itself, crosses the room, and looks at itself in the mirror,
 all the while still attached to the sleeping Soldeed.]

Beard of Evil: Yes. The plan is working perfectly. I'm going to enjoy this
               arrangement. Bwa-ha- ha.

[Theme tune plays and fades out]

Soldeed: What do you think you're doing, Phil? You're not supposed to let
         me know about your presence until the NEXT episode!'

Beard of Evil: Simple. I got the call from Spielberg. I'm going to be in
               the movies!! So I made an arrangement to condense the rest
               of this plot into the current episode so I can get to Hollywood
               on schedule.

Soldeed: But this was going to be my big story, taking up half a season!
Beard of Evil: Sorry, pal, but you know how it goes. Anyway, I hear they
               were going to have me migrate onto Alden's face pretty soon
               so they could cut back your airtime. The fans don't like your
               new 20% intelligent personality. Wait a minute, is that
               camera on?
Soldeed:  It is! [Going into character] What are you? What do you want with
          my beard?
Beard of Evil: I am a super-intelligent being that was trapped in that
               wine. After a little while in your beard, I have come
               to realise that beards are the ultimate symbols of beauty.
               I will use you to propagate myself around the world, spawning 
               more beards. When everyone on Earth has a sentient beard, we
               will link ourselves together and create a culture of hair.
               Resistance is futile!
Soldeed: What do you need me for?'
Beard of Evil: A disguise. No one would suspect a craven idiot like you of
               being a carrier for the supreme being on Earth. I'll use you to kill
               someone, getting you sent to prison. Fortunately I have somewhat
               upgraded your brain. After infecting all the prisoners, I will use
               your brains to escape. I'll get you incarcerated in every jail on
               Earth if that's what it takes! Now, where's the Nimon?
Soldeed: The Nimon?
Beard of Evil: Yes. I will strangle the Nimon to death, and you'll get the
               blame.
Soldeed: I won't let you do this. The Nimon be praised, I won't let you do
         this.

[Beard throws Soldeed to the floor and drags him out into the hallway.]

Beard of Evil: You have no choice. Ah, there's the Nimon now.
Soldeed: [Standing up] Run, Nimon, run, Nimon, run run run.

[Beard extends and approaches the Nimon.]

Nimon: Soldeed! What is the meaning of ... [beard cuts off air supply]
       ack?
Soldeed: I'll get help!

[Soldeed runs towards the dining area, heading towards the right. The beard,
 still attached to his face, follows. The Nimon's face turns red as he's
 dragged along the floor behind.]

[In the dining area.]

Father Rob: Drink!

[As the waiter pours Rob's 32nd drink of the day, Soldeed runs in heading to
 the left, beard and Nimon trailing behind. When no one but the Father
 notices, Soldeed runs out of the room.]

Waiter: Your drink, sir. SIR???'

Father Rob: Maybe tomorrow. For the first time ever, I'm not thirsty.

[Faints]

[Soldeed reaches Dave's office and bangs on the door. Dangermouse opens it a
 crack.]

Dangermouse: What do you want?

Soldeed: Never ask that question, Shadow! But help! My beard is trying to
         kill the Nimon!
Dangermouse: I dunno. The Nimon looks quite alright to me, apart from the
             yellowish beard around his neck, the abrasions, and the fact
             that he's choking to death. I've got enough problems, one
             of Aldens contraptions has aged Dave by twenty years.
Soldeed: Help, for goodness' sake! If you won't, get Dave!
Dangermouse: Dave's, er, unavailable. How about this? If I help you, you
             drop the lawsuit?
Soldeed: What lawsuit? Ah, must have been the beard acting up.
Dangermouse: Good enough.' [Reaches for beard. The beard retracts,
             squeaking.] See, easy as Pi.
Nimon: [Gets up] Soldeed, you're fired! I never ever ever want to see your
       creepy crooked face again!! May the Great Journey of Life throw you 
       to the piranhas!!! [Storms off.]
Beard of Evil: I simply must get over my fear of mice. 
Dangermouse: Mr Soldeed. I have an idea.

[Whispers into his ear so the Beard can't listen.]

Beard of Evil: Soldeed? Are you plotting something?
Soldeed: Of course not. As surely as this episode is in colour instead of
         Black & White, I am not plotting anything against you.
Beard of Evil: Good. I'm sleepy. [Snoring.]

[Soldeed looks at the camera with an evil smile. Meanwhile, in court]

Judge: Call Mr Bates.
Clerk: I can't do that it would be rude.
Judge: The Defendant, call the defendant.
Clerk: Oh, Mr Bates calling Mr Bates.

[The sound of voices calling Mr Bates appear to reverberate down the corridor.
Which is a bit pointless since Alden is sitting next to his lawyer. He gets
up and approaches the stand]

Clerk: Do you Alden Bates sw...
Judge: Oh just cut all that and say "I Do"
Alden: I Do.
Judge: I now pronounce you man and wife, you may kiss Ann Widdecombe.
Alden: What?!?!?!
Judge: Just joking. Okay Mr Valy Yard probe away.

[Mr Valy Yard stands up and drops his briefs]

Judge: Mr Valy Yard, that's obscene.
Valy: No your honour, I dropped my legal briefs.
Judge: Oh, very well continue.

Valy [to Alden]: You did it didn't you?
Defence Lawyer: Objection, leading.
Judge: Well you lead and I'll follow.
Valy: Well come on answer the question.
Alden: I have done nothing wrong.
Valy: You did it didn't you?
Alden: I have done nothing wrong.
Valy: You did it didn't you?
Alden: I have done nothing wrong.
Valy: You did it didn't you?
Alden: I have done nothing wrong.
Valy: You did it didn't you?
Alden: I have done nothing wrong.
Valy: You did it didn't you?
Alden: I have done nothing wrong.
Valy: You did it didn't you?
Alden: I have done nothing wrong.
Valy: You did it didn't you?
Judge: Look will you two stop doing your impression of Paxman and Howard and get on with it.

Valy: Very well, Mr Bates, isn't it true that you are...

[he pauses for dramatic effect, spoiled only by the Defence Lawyer blowing a whistle]

Defence: Sorry, I was cleaning it and it went off.
Valy: ... Australian.

[A massive gasp goes around the courtroom. The Judge bangs his gavel]

Judge: Order, order.
Alden: A Big Mac and fries.
Judge: The old ones are the best.
Alden: I am not, I have never been and never will be Australian.
Valy: I submit for the court's benefit defence exhibits A-F. A vast array of Australian stuff
including a signed poster of Kylie Minoegue.

Judge: Who is this Kylie?
Valy: A pop singer M'Lud. The items also contain the complete Prisoner Cell Block H TV series
on video taped off Australian TV.

[There is uproar]

Judge: Order, Order.
Valy: A low fat laite with a bagel.
Valy: I submit Mr Bates that you did kill Trina and dump her body down a cliff.
Alden: Don't you mean Tina.
Valy: Umm, I don't know the scriptwriters forgotten. Anyway I say that you
killed Trina or Tina and then pretended that you didn't. Your honour, I rest my case
and move that the defendant should be found guilty and sent to jail for a very long time.
Alden: But, splutter, don't I get a chance to defend my self first.
Judge: Oh, I suppose it would be sporting to let you have a go. Your witness defence.

[The defence lawyer steps up]

Defence: Did you do it?
Alden: Well of course I bloody didn't would I have hired you otherwise.
Defence: Your Honour, I need to take a moment. Poughkeepsie.

[He takes a moment]

Defence: Your British aren't you?
Alden: I'm as British as you are.
Defence: I'm American.
Alden: Oh.
Defence: I'm done.
Alden: But, but...
Judge: Very well. Stand down Mr Bates. Defence call your first witness.

Defence: Defence calls Marcus Durham

[Back at the Motel]

[The camera switches to Black & White. Soldeed enters his bathroom.
 He turns on the shower, gets the water hot enough, and enters. He
 pulls the curtain. {At this point, we are watching a shadow image.}
 Soldeed's hand reaches into a bag behind the shower nozzle. The Beard
 begins to stir. A long shadowy image of a razor appears.]

Beard of Evil: Soldeed. What is that? [Razor approaches.] Soldeed?

[Lousy electric guitar sounds begin as he pulls the razor into the light.]

Beard of Evil: Yikes! Soldeed, don't! I'll pay you money! I'll give you
everything I have! Just put down the ---

[The razor slices into the Beard. The guitar sounds continue. The camera
 focuses on the drain, where the pieces of beard are falling. Even in Black &
 White, the pieces are a shade of sickly yellow. As the last piece hits the
 drain, a silence takes over the scene. Soldeed turns off the water, exits
 the bathroom, and faces the camera.]

Soldeed: [To audience] Well, what did you expect on a soap called The BATES
         Motel?

The Audience [shouting back]: We expected a tacky Crossroads rip-off! Now turn
             on the colour!
Soldeed: Er..... Oh.

[Soldeed Looks in mirror at beardless face and starts to sob quietly.]

[Return to Colour. Soldeed runs out into the corridor]

Nimon: Soldeed! I have a few more insults to hurl at you before ... your
       beard is gone?'

Soldeed: I'll grow a new one. One that doesn't try to destroy my life and
         kill the people I care about.
Nimon: That sentence was sickeningly sweet, wasn't it? Fine. I'll swallow
       my pride and let you work for me again. Just one thing, Soldeed.
Soldeed: What is it, Nimon?
Nimon: Never Ever use your brain again!
Soldeed: Yessir. Whatever you say, sir. Second Skonnan Empire! Great
         journey of life! Hymetusite! All praise to the Ni -' [Bangs
         head into beam, and falls unconscious.]
Nimon: Thank God we're not contracted to appear for ages.

[Back in court Marcus is taking the stand]

Judge: Just take the stand will you.
Marcus: Certainly, where should I put it.
Judge: You know what I mean!

Clerk: Do you sw...
Judge: He does, get on with it.
Defence: You've known Mr Bates a long time, is he the sort of person to
         murder someone and throw them over a cliff.
Marcus: Yes.
Defence: Hmmm, your'e supposed to be on my side.
Marcus: I know but I don't like Alden. It's all to do with the distribution of
        shares in Bates Motel drawn up by our incompetent solicitor.
Judge: An incompetent solicitor, isn't that a tuatalougy.
Defence: Hmmmm, isn't it true that it's all a conspiracy put about by the same
         government that doesn't want us to know about aliens.
Marcus: No, it's a conspiracy created by Dai but Alden doesn't know that yet
        and in a TV kind of way he can't hear me talking about it now.
Defence: You killed her didn't you?
Marcus: Who, Tina or Trina?
Defence: Ummm, we, whichever one is dead.
Marcus: Oh, that one. No.

Defence: This is pointless. He's guilty, as guilty as can be. Send him
         to the electric chair.
Judge: That would be a real shock. Pity we don't have them here. Although, I
       have heard that
       one mail order company does do a rather natty line in electric pink.

Judge: Well, we'll let the Jury cogitate on that for a while and take
       a short commercial break. After the break join us for the trial of
       Michelle Nire.

[Jingly theme music fades in. Commercial Break]

Announcer: Digital TV. It's the future innit? Well now you can enjoy the 24 hour
           Bates Motel digital channel. It's digital, which means no more
           wavey things. Yes, digital, it defies the laws of physics! So enjoy
           digital Bates Motel, without wavey things and streached into widescreen
           in glorious CD quality sound. Subscribe now and pay only �410!
Another Announcer: [really quickly] This offer only applies of you subscribe
                   to the Emmerdalek Farm Channel and UK Tripe.

[Jingly theme music fades back in to the programme]

Judge: And we back, this is
[Fanfare]
Judge: British Justice.
[SFX: Applause. The camera zooms about the room, as seen in Noels House Party.]
Judge: Thank you, thank you. That's enough.
[the Applause cuts instantly]

Judge: We now have the case of the State against Michelle Nire.
Valy: I'd rather she was against me.
Judge: She is you wally. I just tried to say wally and it came out as
       wally. Oi, I'm censored.
Valy: You can censor me any day.
Judge: Oh, get on with it. I want to be in the pub when it opens.
Valy: We must make haste, for that is in but half an hour.
Judge: Conveniently the length of time the proggy lasts.
Valy: Ah ha! No it doesn't! Like all the best TV shows Bates only lasts for 25
      minutes.
Judge: Hah! Not from the next episode it doesn't. It's got a new producer, a Mr
       Nathan John-Turner. He's got a remit to liven Bates up and drag it into
       the eighties.

[Alden pushes forward]

Alden: But no, they can't! I've held this soap back for years. He can't undo all
       my good work! The evil of the man! What next, a proper title sequence?
Judge: Well yes actually!
Alden [collapsing to his knees]: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Judge: Oh do calm down Mr Bates.

[Alden is dragged away]

Judge: Call the Guilty.
Clerk: Call Michelle Nire
Michelle: Ere what do you mean by that.
Judge: Look this is a courtroom not the Eastenders set, stop dropping
       your aitches.
Valy: Looks like she's already dropped more than that.
Valy [to Michelle]: Okay Mzzzzz Nire. You did it, didn't you. You killed
                    Trina or Tina. I can never remember which.
Defence: Psssst, that's what your'e charging Bates with, you can't do it
         to both of them.
Valy: Oh, sorry. I meant you have embezzled a lot of money and done very
      bad things. You should hang.
Michelle: What, for stealing money?
Valy: See, she admits it. Send her down.
Michelle: I do not admit it. It's a conspiracy, I tell you, a conspiracy.
Valy: Are you British?
Michelle: Yes I am, I am very very British.
Valy: Stop doing Thatcher impressions.
Michelle: No I will not. This ladies not for turning.
Valy: Well if that's so why does this piece of video show you go round in circles.

[He produces said tape and plays it]

Michelle: Look, I was young. I needed the money.
Valy: Again she admits it.
Michelle: No I don't.
Valy: The prosecution rests. I'm very tired of standing up.

Defence: No questions.
Michelle: What do you mean no questions, your'e supposed to be my Lawyer.
Defence: I also work for Dai, and he pays me more.

[In reception at Bates, Marcus hurries in. Dave, Alison and Tina are talking]

Tina: So why does Dai have this jam fixation?
Alison: Perhaps he has a jam dependency.
Tina: Of course!

[Marcus hurries over]

Marcus: Terrible news!
Tina: What, Alden got off?
Marcus: No.
Tina: Well?
Marcus: Well what?
Tina: What well?
Marcus: Look I'm just padding the scene as the floor manager is frantically waving
        at me ordering me to do so.
Tina: Oh. What?
Marcus: Well.
Tina: Why?

[The phone rings]

Alison: Hello, Bates Motel...... What? Marcus has news?

[Alison puts the phone down]

Alison: Well?
Marcus: Terrible news, we've going to have a new producer and a new look.
Tina: Oh no! You all know what a new producer means.

[The camera zooms in on Daves elderly face]

Dave: It means some people are going to face the axe.

[The camera cuts to Tina]

Tina: And this means that this will be the final time we see our famous, two 
      directions at once roller caption credits.

[Marcus sticks his head into shot]

Marcus: And cue credits!

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