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There's always some manic goings on in the best websoap around, Bates Motel, the soap that makes Triangle look like Dallas.

If you want to learn more about the mad characters then click here. Otherwise read on.....

Next Episode due Saturday the 17th of October

Season 3 Episode 4

Written by Benjamin F. Elliott and Marcus Durham

[In reception Mariane is talking to two familiar figures]

Mariane: Doctor who? Well I don't care who you are, we're full!

[Theme tune plays and fades out]

Man: Well do you know of anywhere myself and my young assistant can stay?
Mariane: Fairlawns.Man: Fairrrrrrrrrrlawns?
Mariane: It's just down the road. You can't miss it. Goodbye.

[In Dai's office]

Dai: Ah, how good it is to be the boss. Escaping that death trap off screen
     makes me realise just how great a situation I have. How relaxing to sit back
     and make everyone else do the work. I could do this forever.

[Soldeed barges in]
Soldeed: In the name of the Second Skonnan Empire ... NO, in the name of 
         Soldeed! How could you do this indignity!!!
Dai: What?
Soldeed: Take a look at my beard.
Dai: It's sickly yellow with a twist of mango.
Soldeed: Yes, it's sickly yellow with a twist of mango! Doesn't that seem 
         odd to you?
Dai: After my years with the Cardiff branch of the Triangle appreciation society,
     nothing seems odd to me. So, what's your problem?
Soldeed: My beard's condition is your fault!
Dai: Why are you blaming it on me?
Soldeed: YOU ordered those economy measures. It was your order that the
         tinned wine be served ...
Dai: You mean the wine that destroyed the skylight and flew out the roof?
Soldeed: Yes, that wine! But first it so sickened Tina that she spat some of   
         it into my beard! And THIS is the result!
Dai: It's just a stain. It'll wash out.
Soldeed: I've washed this beard out 47 times already. I've used six
         solvents, 4 black magic spells, and got the Nimon to focus  
         his horns on it. No effect.
Dai: Speaking of the Nimon, has he recovered yet?
Soldeed: If the Nimon was strong enough to get out of his bed yet, he would 
         have thrashed you himself, instead of sending weak-willed old me.
         That's the last time he'll eat this establishment's food.
Dai: You're getting upset over nothing.
Soldeed: Nothing! The Nimon almost died! My trademark *beard of evil* is in
         technicolour! I can't even elongate my words like normal! Life as I 
         know it is falling apart, and you're the one to blame! Take this!
Dai: A parking ticket?
Soldeed: Erm, wrong note. Sorry. Here we are. The lawsuit!
Dai: Lawsuit?
Soldeed: The Nimon and I are suing this Motel and you for ever pound and   
         pence you have. We will destroy you. You think Alden's  
         enjoying his murder trial? Compared to you, he'll feel like  
         he's being given a knighthood! You'll be lucky if we make you  
         janitor here when we're through! See you in Courts!
Dai: Remember to bring a sofa!

[Soldeed storms out of the room, into a closet. Reversing himself, he storms 
out into the bathroom. Undaunted, he storms out a third time, and finds himself 
in the back yard. He succeeds on the fourth attempt.]

Dai: Maybe I should take up juggling instead.

[Tina enters.]

Tina: Dai, I'm doing this scene against my will. You better have a good
      reason for my being here.
Dai: I didn't before, but I do now. That idiot Soldeed's decided to sue me
     and the Motel over that yak wine' incident. I'm distraught, and I'm going
     to babble incoherently under my desk for a while. Notify the rest of the 
     staff to carry on until I feel better.
Tina: Certainly, Dai. Take as long as you need. In fact, why don't you take 
      a few decades?Dai: GOODBYE, Tina.Tina: Goodbye. 

[Walks out the door into the hallway, then yells Yes!']

Dai: Wibble.

[In Alden's old study.]

Chuck: [On telephone] Yes, Trina. What, you mean you're here? In Kings Oak? 
       You fool! Your plan will fail if we're found out. You were supposed to  
       stay in Mexico until after the trial!..... Where are you? You've hired  
       a boat and are staying off the coast? Why?...... So you can keep an eye 
       on things? Well I'll get back to you Trina, and don't show your face!

[Hangs up]

Marcus: [Entering] Why would you be talking with Trina?

Chuck: I wasn't talking with Trina! She's dead, remember? I was talking with 
       Tina ... Tina Turner, yeah, Tina Turner. The poor girl's unfortunate enough 
       to live on the other side of the Atlantic, so I use Alden's phone to call 
       her. That way he'll have to pay the bill. Assuming he gets out, of course.
       Well, ready to head off to the trial?
Marcus: Why must I ride with you to the court? You drive like a maniac.
Chuck: Efficiency drives. Everyone must do their part. Besides, it saves  
       money on goodbye scenes.
Marcus: Good point. So, do you think they'll acquit Alden?
Chuck: Is the Pope Protestant?

[Dave enters. Dangermouse follows, eyes glancing in all directions, looking for
 suspicious people and / or wine bottles.]

Dave: You wanted to see me, sir.
Dangermouse: That's my line, little man who doesn't like disco. As I would
             have said, you wanted to see me, sir?
Chuck: Yes. Marcus and I have to leave for the trial, and Dai's a bit shaken
       up. Seems Soldeed violated his contract and showed some passion. Dai's
       cowering under his desk right now wondering about the reason of life. So I
       have to leave you in charge, Dangermouse.Dave: And why am I here?
Chuck: You're just an actor under contract that I could call in to make sure
       that Dangermouse had someone to interact with. Just keep him talking. And
       whatever you do, don't you dare explore the secret chamber behind this
       study!
Marcus: What secret chamber?
Dangermouse: Another line stolen! What chamber?
Chuck: Alden's super secret chamber for Argolin health treatment that's
       hidden behind the cheesy fake fireplace. You open the door by turning off
       the switch operating the lousy fake fire. It's the 3rd secret passage on the
       left. You're sure you won't go in there?
Dave: Was Martin Luther Catholic?
Chuck: He was at first. Good enough. Let's go, Marcus.

[Chuck and Marcus decide to leave while dancing a tango, just for the heck of it.]

Dave: Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Dangermouse?
Dangermouse: I think so, Dave. But if Davros beats Father Rob in a drinking 
             contest, how will that help Soldeed's beard recover?
Dave: This could take a while.

[The kitchen pantry, where the reserve jam is being stored.]

Father Rob: DRINK!
Tina: Oh, sorry Father. I didn't see you come in.
Father Rob: GIRLS!
Tina: It's the cook's episode off, so I decided to search through the jam.
Father Rob: DRINK!
Tina: Dai's obsessed with jam, and I want to know why. What is the power jam 
              holds? How can I use it against Dai? And other general questions like that.
              Here's the stuff. Raspberry jam, strawberry jam, jelly babies, strawberry
              jam, the jellied remains of Dai, cherry jam, apple butter ... I just can't 
              find a link.
Father Rob: DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!
Tina: No, not a drink, a 
              link.
Father Rob: DRINK! 
Tina: I mean I can't find any connection between the jam and Dai. No reason 
      for Dai to be entranced by them. Nothing.Father Rob: GIRLS! DRINK!
Tina: If only I could find a way to tie the Metabelis crystal and the jam
      into Dai's behaviour, I could have a way to fight him.
Father Rob: DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!

[Father Rob leaves.]

Tina: Well, this has been a waste of time. I make as well take the jelly 
      babies to get something out of it. [Puts the other jam away.] I wonder if he 
      keeps any jam in reception?

[Out at sea, Trina is watching Fairlawns through binoculars]

Trina: Soon Fairlawns will be mine! All mine!

[The scene cuts to the courtroom. Alden is being lead in by a policeman.]

Judge: Ah, young man. Tell me, what is your name?
Alden: Mr Bates.Judge: And did the nice boys in blue show you down my back passage?
Alden: Er, yes.
Judge: Good. Now sit down and let the prosecuting council probe you.... Is Mr 
       Yard here? Mr Valy Yard?

[A person who looks like Alden stands up]

Judge: You don't look familiar.
Mr Valy Yard: We couldn't afford Michael Jayston. So I'm acting as prosecutor and 
              defendant by means of some CSO and a bad wig.
Judge: Fair enough. And Mr Bates, who will be defending you?
Alden: I will defend myself.
Judge: So you've heard the charges. Or at least I read them out in the previous
       episode. How do you plead? Guilty or guilty?
Alden: Eh?
Judge: Well it was worth a try. Guilty or not guilty.
Alden: Er...... could you put it in more simple terms.
Judge [aside]: I knew they said he was thick, but I thought they were referring 
      to his waistline.
Alden: Could you explain?
Judge: Did you do it?
Alden: Yes, every night and twice on Thursdays.
Judge: Did you commit the crime?
Alden: What crime?
Judge: I'll take that as not guilty.
Alden: Are you sure your not taking it the wrong way?
Judge: Don't I always dear?

[Reception. Tina is busy searching for jam when the Nimon walks in. He looks
 a bit pale, and his speech is slurred.]

Nimon: Where shis everybowdy?
Tina: Nimon!?! I thought you were still in your bed suffering from foodpoisoning.
Nimon: A Nimon's intestines sar dezigned for zeedy recovery from such tings.
       It's only the sheer rancidness of the food involvoed that it took me this
       lung to get up. But where zis evybody? Is only 3PM.
Tina: Well, it's a very quiet day, isn't it? Half the regulars are witnesses
      in Alden's trial. Dave and Dangermouse are exploring Alden's secret room
      behind his office. I'm trying to find any extra jam Dai has in order to
      figure out why he cares about it. And Dai himself is all upset about your
      lawsuit that Soldeed told him about. So I convinced everyone else to take a
      nap before teatime.
Nimon: What slawsuit?
Tina: The lawsuit you and Soldeed are making to try to bankrupt Dai and take
      over the Bates Motel. Frankly, I hope you succeed, as long as you take long
      trips overseas and put me in charge.
Nimon: I wasn't panning to sulu anybody! Vere on Earth did Soldeed get that
       idea?
Tina: Maybe he thought it up himself.
Nimon: Soldeed is a claven fool. That's shy I use him. An intelligent van is
       too Dangermouse. Where is she now?
Tina: He's asleep like everyone else.
Nimon: Why yam I not surprised? I'm going out for a walk. If Soldeed decides
       to vake up zometime this year, let him know that he is SUPPOSED to be
       working for ME, inlead of going oof on his own attempt at a dramatic lark!

[Nimon storms out the door in a drunken manner. Meanwhile Dangermouse and Dave
 are exploring Alden's secret lab.]

Dangermouse: Wow, Penfold! Did you ever know about this place?
Dave: For the last time, it's Dave, not Penfold! Study your script before
      you arrive, for goodness' sake! Alden never mentioned this place to me.
      Though it would explain the infamous island of love' we keep hearing about
      in the trial case. Hey, look at this!
Dangermouse: What is it?
Dave: It's a machine of some kind. Looks a bit like that brain frying one in
      The Muppet Movie.
Dangermouse: It *is* the one from the movie. They released it two years from
             now, didn't they? You know, 1979. Look at the name on the back.
Dave: You and your 1977 kick. It's 1984 or something like that. Oh well.
      Still, at least there's another machine back here.
Dangermouse: What machine?
Dave: The machine I'm touching right now. The Argolin Youth Restorer'. I
      wonder if it helps get rid of wrinkles.
Dangermouse: I don't see a machine.
Dave: I'm running my fingers over its controls.
Dangermouse: There's nothing there.
Dave: You can't see it, can you. I guess I'll just keep it for myself, then.
Dangermouse: I think you've gone bonkers. I'm taking you back. Give me your hand.

[Dangermouse starts walking, trips over a power cord he can't see, and accidentally
 pushes the start button, which he can't see. Dave, being too close to the machine,
 is dragged in.]

Machine: BOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!

 [Smoke comes out, and the machine becomes visible.]

Dangermouse: Dave! Dave! Are you alright?

[Blue light swirls around Dave as Dangermouse looks on. Daves face appears to split]

Dave: [Stumbles out of machine] Yes, Dangermouse, I'm fine. A little tired,
      but fine.Dangermouse: Dave, are you really sure you're alright?
Dave: You seem concerned. What is it?
Dangermouse: Look in Alden's mirror over there.
Dave: [Looks in mirror] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

[Back in Court]

Judge: So, Miss Michelle Nire. How do you plead to your charges?
Michelle: I didn't do it! I was framed! And If I ever find out who did it,
          I'll destroy them! And I plead to the jury to let me go free!

[The judge turns to the jury]

Judge: I ask you to disregard that remark.
Foreman: Sorry, what did you say young man? Hmm..... hmmm?
2nd Juror: [a small scruffy looking man with black hair]: I think he wants us 
           to forget what he said.
Foreman: What? Hmmm? Hmmm?
3rd Juror: I say old man, this is an awfully bad show.
6th Juror: Can't be worse than any of mine.
7th Juror: I know, I trrrrrried to get a rrrrroom at that Motel, but did they
           have a room?
4th Juror: I think we should let the girl go free.
8th Juror: Well if she gives me a kiss, I'll let her have my vote.
Judge: Enough! I won't have outbursts in my court!

[Soldeed's room. Soldeed is fast asleep. His beard stirs, brushes itself out,
 elongates itself, crosses the room, and looks at itself in the mirror,all the
 while still attached to the sleeping Soldeed.]

Beard of Evil: Yes. The plan is working perfectly. I'm going to enjoy
               this arrangement. Bwa-ha- ha.

Storylining by

Marcus Durham, David Lewis, Aidan Folkes, Charles Daniels and Benjamin F. Elliott

Transmitted from the 3rd of October 1998