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There's always some manic goings on in the best websoap around, Bates Motel, the soap that makes Triangle look like Dallas.

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Next Episode due Saturday the 3rd of October

Season 3 Episode 3

Written by Marcus Durham, David Lewis and Benjamin F. Elliott

[It's early morning in the office at the Bates Motel. Tina enters the office followed
 by Suki]

Tina: Dai's not here yet.
Suki: Good. But then again he's probably away somewhere doing something mean.

[Theme tune plays and fades out]

Tina: Perhaps we should take a look though his desk whilst he's not here.
Suki: Are you sure?

[Tina walks over to the desk and begins to search through the drawers]

Suki: What's in there.
Tina: Oh, usual stuff. Pens, papers..... a copy of Big Jugs monthly.....
Suki: And?
Tina: Well, there's loads of empty jam jars in here.
Suki: Jam jars?
Tina: Yes. It looks as if the contents have been eaten.
Suki: I've noticed that Dai keeps on ordering jam from the kitchens. In fact, Pete 
      says Dai won't eat anything else.
Tina: Interesting, and something that could proove to our advantage.....

[The camera lingers for slightly too long. Then it cuts to the office at Fairlawns.
 Michelle is preparing to go to court. Stephen enters]

Stephen: Off somewhere?
Michelle: You know full well where I'm going.
Stephen: Yes, I suppose I do.
Michelle: What do you want?
Stephen: What do you mean?
Michelle: I mean what do you want in return for the evidence that I am innocent.
Stephen: But I thought we'd established that you were not going to get it from
         Me.
Michelle: Everybody has their price.
Stephen: Perhaps. But at least my contract with the company means that in your
         absence I will be in sole charge of this business.
Michelle: Unless I sack you.
Stephen: You dare not. I have a hold on you. And there is nothing you 
         can do to stop me!

[Back at Bates Tina is in Chuck's room. A desklamp lights the room. Chuck enters]

Chuck: You wished to see me in private?
Tina: I want to know what Dai is up to.
Chuck: It is no business of yours.
Tina: True, but I am still a director of this motel.
Chuck: That's management business. You should speak to Dai.

[Tina glances over the table in front of her]

Tina: I notice that you have a picture of Trina on your table. Why would
      that be. She's dead. You never even knew her.
Chuck: Oh...er...well you see I didn't run off to Mexico with her 
       after she faked her own death in order to frame Alden. And I didn't have
       to return home after 6 months
Tina: That's OK then. I just found it off you had a picture of Trina on your table.
Chuck: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm needed elsewhere. Shut the door on your way out
       , I wouldn't want any strange people in my room.

[Chuck hurries away]


[Meanwhile Dangermouse is posting signs by each of the
 entryways to the reception area. He has 4 signs, but he puts up 6,
 one per entrance. With a mild chuckle, he discreetly shuffles out
 of the room, knocking over and destroying The Maltese Falcon on 
 his way out. Mariane, Marcus, Dave, and Chuck enter, engrossed in
 conversation.]

Mariane: Can you chaps believe what happened earlier in the episode? It was
         so shocking!'
Dave: How would you know? You were working here at the time, and the TV's
      broken.'

Mariane: I've embezzled some money from the super secret reserve money
         supply that we're going to desperately need in episode 9, and bought a
         computer with it. I have an ISDN connection, screaming video, all the bells
         and whistles. I'd even know how the episode ends if the power outage hadn't
         struck. I SAID, I'd even know how the episode ends if the POWER OUTAGE
         hadn't struck!'

[Lights suddenly go out, to be replaced by the emergency lighting.]

Marcus: May I remind you that this is 1984. Such things do not exist....
        ....Hey! What's that sign on the doorway?'

Chuck: Efficiency drives. Dai asked me to put the signs up, so I passed the
       buck onto Dangermouse.

Dave: "No talking if eating. No large objects allowed in the Motel. You
       must bow whenever you are in Dai's presence. You can only enter or leave
       rooms through the door assigned to you, as opposed to any door you feel
       like. Everyone must walk through the Motel in a single file line arranged by
       the last letter of your first name. Profanity is what we say it is, and it
       is absolutely forbidden. If in doubt, Dai's decision is final. Anything
       which could possibly be construed as a threat (even if later claimed to be
       non-serious) results in a 10 episode suspension and a hearing to consider
       EXPULSION from the series, plus being reported to the police!" What kind of
       daft rules are those!'

Chuck: The point is to discourage excess conversation and actions to save
       money. These rules are so oppressive that we should be able to go from
       twice a month to daily.'
Mariane: What kind of warped mind could think of anything so insane!
Chuck: Dai got the idea from a school system in the USA. The principal of a
       Junior High School and a teacher went on a witch hunt earlier this year and
       got called on the carpet for it. To save their reputations, they talked the
       School Board into introducing these draconian methods to keep the kids under
       control and distract the parents.'

[A Draconian barges in]

Draconian: Don't you DARE impugn the honour of our race by linking us to
           that crap! I tell you that I was Jon Pertwee's favourite monster!

[The Draconian barges out without actually doing anything]

Marcus: Well, I'm going to have a little chat with Dai right now!'
Chuck: AHA! A threat! Get out of the Motel!'
Marcus: Dai doesn't get out of it that easily. I'm going to see him,
        whether you like it or not!'
Chuck: In the name of the second Skonnan Empire, get out! You're
       suspended!'
Marcus: I thought that was Soldeed's line?'
Chuck: Budget ran out, so we couldn't sign him for this episode. Hence the
       efficiency drives. Hence the sign and rules. Hence - get out!'
Dave: Do you have an obsession with the word "Hence"?'
Chuck: Another threat! You leave too!'
Mariane: But, Chuck?'
Chuck: More abuse! Out! Out! Out!'

[Dangermouse re-enters]

Dangermouse: So, Chuck, how do you like the signs?'
Chuck: You! Out too! You're all suspended for 10 episodes! No! You're all
       expelled! The Old Bill will be around soon to arrest you all, and
       keep you  in jail forever!! No one makes a mockery of I, Chuckius!
Dangermouse: Fine! (Pulls a Colt .45 out of his pocket) Eat lead!'

[Dangermouse fires. The bullet missed Chuck and hits the horrible wine from
the previous episode. The wine bottle shatters, sending the wine flying
across the room. But the wine has developed sentience, and now wishes to do
good instead of evil. It steers itself into one of the signs, destroying the
sign. It then bounces from entrance to entrance, until every sign is gone.
Then it smashes through the skylight. It flies up into the outer
stratosphere, where it becomes a celebrated authour among the beings that
pretend to be an ozone barrier.]

Dangermouse: We've been Star Trekked!'
Dave: I suggest we all forget this ever happened.
Mariane: What a rotten way for the scene to end.
Marcus: Hey, it was that or kill Chuck. And Chuck may have been an idiot
        lately, but we can't kill him. Not yet.
Chuck: Thanks for the vote of confidence. I think.
Marcus: I blame it on a change of life. I think Trina wore him out when
        they ran off to Mexico together for no apparent reason.
Chuck: That's Trina and not Tina. Just to make it clear.... Anyway, how do you
       know that?
Marcus: Er..... Well personally I do, but my character doesn't.
Chuck: So basically you don't know I ran off with Trina to Mexico?
Marcus [sounding surprised]: You ran off with Trina?
Chuck: No.
Marcus: Oh, OK.

[The lights go back to full power]

Mariane: Ah, good. Now I can go back and read the end of the episode. You
         guys better leave if you don't want it spoiled.
Marcus [looks at watch]: Alden and Michelles court case should be begining 
                         about now.
Mariane: And just why are Michelle and Alden in court together? Their charges
         are unrelated.
Marcus: It's for budget and dramatic reasons.
Mariane: Oh.

[Dai enters]

Dai: WHO'S TAKEN ALL THE JAM!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mariane: Well I saw Tina leave earlier carrying a box full of it.
Dai: BUT I NEED JAM! I'M HUNGRY!!!!!!!!!
Mariane: There is no jam.
Dai: NOOOO!!!!!!!!!

[Marcus scurries over]

Marcus: Well I could drive you down to Brownlows Village Shop
Chuck: Oh yes. That would be an excellent idea. I espcially suggest
       that Dai goes into the shop and has a long conversation with
       Mr Brownlow.
Marcus: A.......terminally.....long conversation.

[Marcus and Chuck laugh madly]


[The scene cuts to the Bournemouthfordshire County Court]

Clerk of the Court: All rise in court, for his honour Lord Justice Clary

[everybody stands up]

Judge: Hmm, it's nice to see so many erect people in my chamber, you may be seated.

Judge: That's better, as you were.  Now lets look at the charges.
[Clerk hands him a piece of paper]
Judge: Oooohhh, we have been a naughty girl. Insider dealing I see. Well,
       I do like a bit of insider dealing. Now get up here and lets
       have a good look at you.
Michelle: M'lud
Judge: Not a natural blonde are we ?  Look at those mucky roots.
Clerk: M'lud, we're here to swear in the Jury.
Judge: OK then lets get on, find me twelve good men and true.
Clerk: Usher, (points) you Gold Usher, bring in the Jury.

[Usher leaves, and brings in twelve rather eccentric looking men to sit 
on the Jury bench]

Judge: Be seated, the Clerk will bring around a bible and ask you to state
       your name and bloody well swear an oath.  You will be asked to tell the 
       whole truth, so any Politicians or Tv Producers may leave now, as they are
       considered to be habitual lairs.

Clerk: [to first Juror] Please state your name, and read what's on the card.
1st Juror: [a white-haired old man in a black frock coat] Dr John Smith,
           I swear to tell the truth as far as I a mere humanoid can understand it.
Clerk: [to first Juror] You will be designated sir as the Foreman.

[Clerk moves to second Juror]

2nd Juror: [a small scruffy looking man with black hair] Dr John Smith,
          I swear to tell the truth as far as I a mere humanoid can understand it.

Judge: Hang on, are you taking the piss, both Dr John Smith, is that right ?
1st & 2nd: Yes, m'lud.
Judge: You're not having me on ?
1st & 2nd: No, m'lud.
Judge: No other Dr John Smiths are there ?

3rd: Yesth, M'lud [A tall man, with a Velvet smoking Jacket, and shocking white hair]
4th: Yes, M'lud [A tall curly haired man, with a bohemian appearance]
5th: Yes, M'lud [...you get the idea]
6th: Yes, M'lud
7th: Yes, M'lud
8th: Yes, M'lud
9th: Yes, M'lud
10th: Yes, M'lud
11th: Yes, M'lud
12th: Yes, M'lud, there is another one as well, but but he's acting as the prosecution.

Judge: So let me get this right, I've got a Jury composed completely of 
       Dr John Smiths ?
Jurors: Yes, M'lud.
Judge: Oh well, Clerk continue with the swearing in...
Clerk: [to 3rd Juror] Please state your name, and read what's on the card.

[until all Jurors are sworn in]

Judge: Now read the charges.
Clerk: Insider dealing against Michelle Nire. 
Judge: And what about Mr Bates? Or should that be Master?
Clerk: Conspiricy to pervert the course of justice, high treason, bigomy,
       sheep worrying, impeachment and owning three Bucks Fizz records.
Judge: And where is Bates?
Clerk: He's not contracted to appear until the next episode.
Judge: Ah. 

[An evil looking man walks down the courtroom, toward the bench]
Judge: Who are you ?

Prosection:  I am Mr Val Yard, and I'm going to be prosecutor.
Michelle:  And I will be appearing for my own defence.
Judge:  Ok then grapple fans, I want a good clean trial, with no biting,
        or holding, or punching below the belt, when I bang my gavel,
        go out to your corners and come out fighting.

Storylining by

Marcus Durham, David Lewis, Aidan Folkes, Charles Daniels and Benjamin F. Elliott

Back to the uk.media.tv.sf.drwho Homepage

Transmitted from the 19th of September 1998

�1998 Marcus Durham and the respective writers of this episode. No part of this episode may be reproduced without prior written permission from David Hunter and Miss Diane. No attempt is made to supercede any existing copyrights.