Hello and welcome to the Bates Motel, the West Midlands top source of quality board and lodgings.

There's always some manic goings on in the best websoap around, Bates Motel, the soap that makes Triangle look like Dallas.

If you want to learn more about the mad characters then click here. Otherwise read on.....

Or if you want to catch up on the previous episodes (over two years worth) then you'd better visit The Bates Motel Vault

Back to the uk.media.tv.sf.drwho Homepage

Next Episode due Saturday the 19th of September

Season 3 Episode 2

Written by Charles Daniels, Benjamin F. Elliott and Marcus Durham

[In reception at Bates]

Tina: So that's what happened?
Suki: Yes, Alison was such a tragic loss to us all.

[The camera cuts across to the doors. They open, a familiar figure 
 walks in]

Suki: Alison! But you're dead!
Woman: I'm not Alison, and I'm not dead.
Suki: Then...then.. who are you?

[Theme tune plays and fades out]

Woman: I'm Mariane. I'm Alisons twin sister.
Tina: Oh, right. You're here to avenge the death of your sister?
Woman: No, I'm here to steal her job.
Tina: Fair enough.

[The scene cuts to security at Bates. In the corner a TV is blaring away. Dave and
 Dangermouse are watching it.]

TV: And now on UK Old, The Five Doctors the directors cut. With extra Daleks.
Dangermouse: Oh I don't want to watch this again! Can't we watch the
             scary film on the other channel.
Dave: You are not watching the scary film. Last time you wouldn't go in the dark
      for a week. I wouldn't mind, but it wasn't even a scary film.
Dangermouse: Oh come on now! A Volkswagen with a mind of its own. If
             that isn't scary, I don't know what is.

[Tina walks in. Dave looks shocked and quickly stands up]

Dave: You're back?
Tina: And by the looks of it, it's about time.
Dave: You want something.
Tina: Dai has to be stopped. Find me the blue crystal that gave him his enhanced brain
      powers.
Dave: Well.......
Tina: Do it!...... Or I might have to use the mind probe!
Dave: NO! Not the.......Mind Proooooobe!
Tina: All I ask is that you obey without question.
Dave: Obey! Obey!
Tina: Obtain the crystal, and return it to me. Obey without question.
Dave: Obey! Obey!
Tina: I am the Tina and you will obey me!
Dave: Obey! Obey!
Tina: Now go about your job!
Dave: Obey! Obey!

[Dave leaves]

Tina: I knew that course at the Mr Magister school of friendly persuasion would
      come in handy.

[In the main Bates office]

Marcus: So Dai, may I introduce Miss Mariane. She's come to take....
Dai: Don't call me Dai you idiot, call me Mr Lewis.
Marcus: OK then Dai. This is Mariane, she's come to take Alisons job.
Mariane: I'm Alisons sister. We're twins.
Dai: So? Am I supposed to care? You can have the job. Now go away.

[Mariane leaves followed by Marcus. Dai hits the intercom]

Dai: I'm hungry, where's the jam?

[Meanwhile in the restaurant]

Chuck: Here's your wine, Miss Tina. Your steak will be here in a few
       minutes.

Tina: Thank you, Chuck. I've been looking forward to this meal since just
      after lunch.

[Chuck returns to the kitchen. Soldeed enters the room.]

Soldeed: Mind if I join you for dinner?
Tina: Of course not, Soldeed, but since when did you eat dinner in the
      restaurant?
Soldeed: The Nimon's in a bad mood today. He speaks of many things. Some
         rumblings about problems with the Great Journey Of Life or
         something. The guy's been somewhat morose ever since his hornline
         started receding. Now, I may worship and revere the Nimon, but
         I'm NOT going to let HIS foul mood spoil MY dinner! Would you like
         me to pour the wine?
Tina: Go ahead. I've had such a hellish time since I returned. Trying to
      keep track of who's alive and dead. Plotting to retake the Motel
      from Dai. That meeting with Disco' McIntee. A leaky room in my
      bedroom. I could do with someone being nice to me.
Soldeed: I quite understand. It must be so difficult for you regulars,
         stuck with all these improbable and wacky plotlines.
         Meanwhile, we bit characters get plenty of vacations and can
         do whatever we feel like without affecting the story. Here's your wine.
Tina: Thanks, Mr Soldeed! Actually, I think I should warn you. You may not be
      a bit player much longer. A new writer is being considered for this soap,
      and {Tina drinks the wine} ... BLECCH!

[Tina turns a shade of pineapple with a guava twist. She spits out the wine,
and it lands on Soldeed's beard.]

Soldeed: INNN THE NAAME OF THE SECCCOND SKONNAAANN EMMMPIIIRE, what was
         that about?!?
Tina: This wine is REVOLTING! Taste it for yourself.

[Sips wine, then spits it out onto a fire safe which is in the restaurant
 for no apparent reason. The wine burns a hole in it.]

Soldeed: You're right! CHUCK! Come out here at once!

[Chuck comes out with Tina's steak.]

Chuck: What's the matter?
Soldeed: You've just given this woman substandard wine which is turning my
         beard a sickly shade of yellow, that's what! If I weren't
         such a craven coward, I'd thrash you myself! Instead, I'll
         let Tina do that.
Tina: How could you do this, Chuck?
Chuck: It was Dai. Those new efficiency measures kept us from buying any
       more wine. So he brought in some 25 year old tinned Mongolian
       Yaks wine and placed it in the old bottles.
Tina: It was the worst wine I ever drank!

Father Rob: [Waking up] DRINK? [Falls asleep again]

Chuck: Maybe the steak will make you feel better.

[Tina tastes the steak, and turns blue.]

Tina: This tastes revolting, too! Let me guess. Efficiency drives?
Chuck: Indeed. The freezer and refrigerator have been turned off all day.
       It saves us tons of money.
Tina: These efficiency drives are a DISASTER!
Chuck: On the contrary, we've seen a marked decrease in stray dogs since we
       stopped ordering steaks. Though we've had to spend more on ether.
Soldeed: But I ordered steak for the Nimon! NIIIMMMONNN! Don't eat that
        food!!!'

[Soldeed runs out in a near futile attempt to save the Nimon's life.]

Chuck: By the way, Tina, here's your bill.
Tina: I hate my life. By the way, you look a little shaken.
Chuck: Ah well, I had a nasty experience when I was out shopping today. It's
       these contact lenses. I went to buy a pair of trousers in M&S, but I
       couldn't see clearly and I ended up in a S&M shop.
Tina: Ah, that would explain the leather crotchless trousers.

[Aidan is seen walking down Aldens seafort in order to check the
surveillance footage that may prove his innocence]

Aidan: [Walking slowly, suddenly being aware of then looking straight at 
       camera] Oh!  There you are!  Oh my how happy I am to find you
       as you will prove Alden's innocence and show how wonderful and
       wise he is to have ME as his electronics expert [gives the
       camera a wink]  I say, no more of this senseless character
       exhibition and plotting background, isn't it about time I
       get this camera and investigate it instead of babbling 
       to myself on this lonely seaport all by myself?

[Aidan grabs the camera and it abruptly goes black.  We then see
Aidan holding the camera from a different angle by a different
camera.  Again Aidan faces the camera]

Aidan: Always best to be safe, rather than sorry, no?  Still I
       best quickly leave this lonesome desolate place...mmm..
       I'm COMPLETELY ALONE!  ALL HERE, BY MYSELF!  

[There is a sudden sound of rustle from the bushes]

Aidan: Thank god, took their cue at last.

[We see something green and nasty is lurking.  Sea Devil's surround
Aidan]

Aidan: Whatever took you so long, it's so hard to act surprised 
       if you're going to diddle dally about all day.
1st Sea Devil:  I'm sorry, it is notably difficult to relieve oneself
                in this tacky, not very well constructed, rubber costume.
2nd Sea Devil: We were doing the best we could. 

[Aidan looks at the 3rd Sea Devil who merely stands there completely
still]

Aidan: What about him?
1st Sea Devil: That is '3rd Sea Devil' a non-speaking role, every 
               non-speaking role saves money you know.
Aidan: And what about the others behind him?
2nd Sea Devil: Those are the cardboard cutout Sea Devils, a most effective
               psychological tool for making our enemies believe we are
               numerous when indeed we are but two speaking actors, one
               non-speaking actor in bad rubber suits with some props we
               bought at a Doctor Who convention.
Aidan: I see, yes, well i must be off to prove Alden's innocence with
       this surveillance footage, if you're ever in town drop by and
       I'm sure we'll have rooms.

[The 3rd Sea Devil begins to grunt and growl at Aidan]

1st Sea Devil: (To 3rd) Watch it you!  This was clearly a non-speaking
               role in your contract!  Don't make me go to the Sea
               Devils' workers union over this matter. 
               (turning to Aidan) You will not be leaving so soon.
Aidan: Really?  But I've got to watch Airport in half an hour!
2nd Sea Devil: We still seek vengeance against Alden Bates, or as
               he is named in the legends of our people "Mr. Silly Lips".            
Aidan: Well I'll be sure to tell him you popped around when I see
       him later today.
1st Sea Devil: The One of the False Tan will pay for destinies of 
               those Sea Devils he used when he attempted to take
               over The Bates Motel.

[The Sea Devil's pull out their shiny futuristic guns on Aidan who
 raises his hands, and the camera. Meanwhile at Bates in the office
 Marcus is sitting at the desk. Dai enters]

Dai: Get out of my chair.
Marcus: Oh stop moaning Dai, I'm on Motel business.
Dai: Don't call me Dai you prick! Call me Mr Lewis!
Marcus: Oh do shut up. You are upsetting alot of people with the way you are
        managing this Motel. You should moderate your language or somebody might
        shoot you to death!

[The camera zooms in on Dai's face. Meanwhile Aidan is tied onto a large tree,
 Sea Devils are all around him drinking and eating, having a nice dinner party
 on the seafort, 1st Sea Devil approaches Aidan who is by now semi-delirious]

Aidan: PLEASE!  I beg of you!  Give me my freedom. 
1st Sea Devil: Oh now you know the pain - like the uncomfortable torment
               of wearing these itchy cheap costumes, the horrors of
               constraint within their confines.  You shall not have
               your freedom..
Aidan: Then please, bread, water, anything to sustain my life.
1st Sea Devil: Oi?  Bread and water?  Is THAT what you want?  I must
               have severely misjudged what humans like to eat, I was
               about to feed you a large pepperoni and mushroom pizza
               with a pint of Guinness...well it will all go into the
               waste bin now I suppose.   I'll see what I can do about
               the bread and water.
Aidan: [still delirious] My life means nothing to me anymore, please,
       let me go, let me prove Alden's innocence!
1st Sea Devil: What?  With the camera footage?
Aidan: Yes!  YES!!  The surveillance footage!  Alden's only hope.
       I must have it back.
1st Sea Devil: Oh you'll be seeing it soon!
Aidan: Really?  Oh thank you!  THANK YOU!
1st Sea Devil: Yes, it going to be part of the ceremonial dance.
Aidan: [confused] Dance?

[Another Sea Devils comes up and fits 1st Sea Devil with a feather head
dress.  We also see many sea devils also dressed in feather head dresses
setting up a pile of logs]

Aidan: What's...what's happening?

[A Sea Devil places the surveillance tapes on the pile of logs]

Aidan: I say this is rather peculiar...

[The Sea Devils form a circle around the logs and tapes and 
 begin to dance and sing a song of different whooping sounds.
 With every step of the dance the Sea Devil toss a flaming
 match on the logs and tape.  Soon they dance around a giant
 bonfire.]

Aidan: No!!  I feel as if I could spontaneously combust due to the
       horror of it all!   

[The Sea Devil continue there dancing, laughing and singing as the
tapes burn]

[Alden is sitting in his cell drinking Chianti and eating Fava beans 
and kidney pie.  Childish drawings now cover the entire area]

Alden: Oh how sad it is to be here, all alone, trapped in a cell
       for a crime I did not commit.  Still I am sure that my
       trusted friend, and electronics expert, Aidan Folkes  
       will arrive at any moment with the surveillance tapes
       that will once and for all establish my innocence..

[Alden sits in complete silence]

Alden: Good old reliable Aidan..

[Alden sits in silence again, he notices an extremely tiny spider Dalek
run across the table where he is eating]

Alden: Oh that my friend..Aidan..would arrive NOW in my time of
       desperate need...

(Two prison officers arrive, and start to open the cell)

Alden: You two aren't Aidan!
Officer 1: Please be quiet prisoner 4-2-1-6-9, we wouldn't want 
            to have to put the mask on you again would we?
Alden: Oh on the contrary I rather liked it, the whole trolley carting
       me about saved on the walking.
Officer 2: That's enough from you 4-2-1-6-9!  Just come along quietly.
Alden: But wait!  Where are you taking me?
Officer 1: To your trial of course.
Alden; But wait!  Aidan never answered his cue!
Officer 2: He's not coming 42169, just come along with us. 
Alden: So this is it. After 6 months of waiting. It's the end, and the moment
       hasn't been prepared for.

[Theme tune fades in]

Storylining by

Marcus Durham, David Lewis, Aidan Folkes, Charles Daniels and Benjamin F. Elliott

Back to the uk.media.tv.sf.drwho Homepage

Transmitted from the 5th of September 1998

�1998 Marcus Durham and the respective writers of this episode. No part of this episode may be reproduced without prior written permission from David Hunter and Miss Diane. No attempt is made to supercede any existing copyrights.