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There's always some manic goings on in the best websoap around, Bates Motel, the soap that makes Triangle look like Dallas.

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Next Episode due Saturday the 5th of September

Season 3 Episode 1

Written by Marcus Durham and Charles Daniels

[A bright spring day off the coast of Kings Oak. The camera pulls back 
 from a ferry to focus on a speedboat. Two familiar figures can be 
 seen onboard. The camera zooms in.]

Marcus: I know it's a new season, but think of the money they are
        wasting on all this. It's pointless, I mean, why are we
        speeding across the Solent on a speedboat?
Suki: I think it's to establish the plot.
Marcus: Well it was terrible wasn't it? That shooting in reception. The mess!
Suki: Yes, and all the disruption.
Marcus: Still that was all months ago. Dai has installed himself as the
        Managing Director of Bates, Alden is in prison awaiting trial and
        Michelle is also due to go to trial.
Suki: And what a great loss Alison was. Who would have though it, Dave
      shooting her to save Dai.

[Theme tune plays and fades out]

Marcus: Well that's the cliffhanger resolved. What's next in the script?
Suki: Er, you are supposed to point towards the land and say "look, there's
      Fairlawns". It's a continuity link to the next scene.
Marcus [pointing inland]: Oh look, there's Fairlawns.

[The scene cuts to the quayside. Michelle is looking out to sea. In
 the distance the speedboat Marcus and Suki are on is travelling past 
 in totally the opposite direction to the previous scene. Stephen's 
 car pulls up and he gets out and walks over]

Michelle: And where the hell have you been?
Stephen: A brief holiday.
Michelle: FOR SIX MONTHS!
Stephen: Well time flies when you are having fun. And besides, you can hardly 
         fire me.
Michelle: On the contrary, I can fire you very easily.
Stephen: But then I wouldn't be able to show certain documents at your trial.
         You are having a trial I take it, I read something about it in the
         newspapers.
Michelle: At least I have my freedom for the time being.
Stephen: The Police have taken your passport I shouldn't wonder.
Michelle: Anyway, what papers?
Stephen: The ones I took from Dai's boat. The ones that show what Dai was 
         up to and how he framed you.
Michelle: Where are they.
Stephen: Oh they are very safe, very safe indeed.
Michelle: GIVE THEM TO ME!
Stephen: I'll think about it!

[Stephen walks off]

Michelle: Come back here or I'll give you a damn good seeing to!....... 
          Er, no, hang on..... Come back here or I'll have you seen to....
          No hang on, that doesn't work either.... Come back here until I
          can work out a menacing threat!

[Meanwhile Chuck is waiting at the roadside outside of the village. A 
 black car pulls up. A women gets out. As she walks towards the camera
 it is revealed that it is Tina, not to be confused with Trina]

Chuck: It's been a while.....
Tina: About eight episodes to be precise. 
Chuck: Marcus won't be happy.
Tina: Well I do have a habit of coming back to haunt him when he least
      expects it.
Chuck: Well it's a new season. Everybody's back for no real reason.
Tina: The scriptwriters never did have any imagination.
Chuck: But it get's worse. After having his mind enhanced Dai is now in
       charge of the Bates Motel. It's not Marcus you have to worry about,
       it's Dai. He's the Managing Director of the Bates Motel. Or the
       Kings Oak Travel Tavern as it's now known.
Tina: The Kings Oak Travel Tavern?
Chuck: Yes, that's what Dai has changed the name to.

[Tina takes a step back and looks shocked]

Tina: What! Well my first act will be to change the name! And then I shall 
      re-establish my place in this soap opera as the principle female
      lead with the biggest shoulder pads!
    

[We see Aidan walking down a long wide hall, on one side is a grey 
featureless wall and on the opposite are ajoining prison cells,
looking down from Aidan's viewpoint we see the last cell contains 
are strange deranged looking short fat bald man with huge teeth
grinning like mad, looking at a small brown paper bag Aidan is
carrying, however just be reaches the man we hear a familiar voice]

Alden: AIDAN! I knew you'd come to visit me!

[Aidan turns around shocked looking he sees Alden incased in a stone
room, a glass wall with a sliding shelf inbetween them, tacky childlike
drawings of his Island of Love fill the room]

Aidan: Ohh!  Yes, Alden!  Hello!  I've brought you some food, jaffa
       cakes and the like.

[Aidan uses the sliding door, in the backround we see the man in
 the cell jump up and down angrily, Aidan gives him a quick glance
 with silences him]

Alden: [taking food] Oh thank you my dear friend.  The food here is
       always the same, tasteless fava beans, don't care for the kindeys
       they serve either but they have an excellent Chianti you really
       should try. (Alden start sniffing about the room)
Aidan: Are you quite alright?
Alden: Yes...mm you Aidan, usually you drink Port, but no not today,
       today it's Cinzano Bianco... And of course, they make me listen
       to Jimmy Old on Radio 2. I could swear it's sending me.... strange.

[All of a sudden there is a large huge crashing noise, strange whirs,
 buzzes, and clicks fill the room, giant ants rush into hall]

Aidan: Alden!  Are these your friends?

(A strange droid with a head which look like it's been panel beaten emerges)

Kryten: Hello Mr. Alden and Mr. Aidan sir.  It appears the Zarbi 
        appear whenever someone mentions Cinzano Bianco in a 
        bad Silence of the Lambs parody, it's one of the mysteries
        of the infinite cosmos in which we live, luckily I speak
        Zarbi and they wish to say "CLLLICCK!! SQQQQQQQQUUUUUUU!!
        CLLLLLL-IIIIIIIIC-KK!!"

(Kryten gyrates clicking and buzzing about the room)

Aidan: My man!  Calm yourself!  What does it mean in English?

(Kryten Stops)

Kryten: Oh you want me to translate, most sorry, I don't know how.
        Would you enjoy a fermented beverage Mr. Aidan?   My left
        nipple nut functions as a lemon hooch dispenser.

[Appearing from thin air a Dalek materializes]

Dalek: DID-SOME-ONE-SAY-LEM-ON-HO-OCH?
Kryten: Oh wow, my head may look like some bad misshapen ribbed 
        contraceptive but your appearance is undeniably phallic.

(Kryten operates his body and lemon hooch flows out and into a glass
in his hand)

[The Dalek Spots Alden and reacts immediately]

Dalek: YOU!  Alden Bates!  You shall be exterminated, annihilated,
       decimated, and lots of verbs ending in -ated!

Alden: (Grovelling) Oh dear!  Why ME!? WHY!?! I BEG OF YOU!

Dalek: OH-DAMN-IT-WAS-ONLY-A-LA-UGH-YOU-GULL-IBLE-BAST-ARD!

[Davros wheels up to the scene, taking the now full class from Kryten
and taking a slug of it with his good hand]

Davros: Tsk! I get captured by the rebel Dalek faction and to add
        insult to injury they imprison me with you!
Alden: Look I am glad that you have come to visit me, and that there
       is not one amongst you who has not committed some vile, hideous
       crime against nature and don't think that I don't respect and 
      honour that greatly, I do. But I am not guilty..
Davros: Oh damn I never could stand long self-grandising speeches..well
        not from other people.

[Davros and the Daleks exit, the Zarbi follow and Kryten dusts the Zarbi 
off with a feather duster as they shuffle away]

Alden: [looking at them leaving for a moment before turning to Aidan]
       How is my Island of Love??

Aidan: Back to normal Alden.
Alden: [Visibly shaken but turns back to Aidan]
       You MUST prove my innocence!   I didn't murder Trina!  Go to
       the seafort and search through the video camera survellence footage
       it will show my innocence.
Aidan: Yes Alden, I'll make sure to.
Alden: And make sure they see it all, to be sure I am innocent.
Aidan: Yes.
Alden: No!  Wait!  On second thought, could you skip the part between
       1 and 2am?  That might be prove a bit embarrassing.

[Back at the Motel formally known as Bates, Tina has arrived in reception.
 She is talking to Suki]

Tina: And Father Rob is still here?
Suki: I'm afraid so. Of course he did almost get thrown out after the lawn
      mower incident.
Tina: What happened.
Suki: Well he had a bit to much to drink and he stole the large lawnmower
      from the garden.
Tina: The one that you sit on?
Suki: That's it. Anyway he drove it up onto the patio and through into
      the restaurant.
Tina: How long did it take to catch him.
Suki: Er......
Tina: Oh come on, he's a drunken elderly priest driving a lawnmower at 
      3mph, it can't have taken that long!
Suki: Twelve hours... Well that's how long it took him to run out of petrol.
Tina: I notice that there's a collection tin on reception. I thought
      Marcus put a stop to them. What was the phrase Marcus used to
      refer to the needy?
Suki: "A shower of bastards".
Tina: Ah yes, I remember now. Anyway, what's the tin doing there?
Suki: Well Dai likes to do his bit for charity.... Of course he keeps the
      money himself, but it's the thought that counts. Anyway, see Father
      Rob in the corner over there?
Tina: Yes.
Suki: Well Dai ordered that he be kept away from any alcohol. When he wakes up
      he should be sober.
Tina: This I must see! 
Suki: And here's Chuck with a cup of tea for him.

[Chuck walks over to Father Rob and taps him on the shoulder to wake him up. Father
 Rob wakes]

Chuck: Excuse me, but.....
Father Rob: WHAT! WHAT!
Chuck: Your cup of.......
Father Rob: ....WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!
Chuck: Er, that's a spoon Father.
Father Rob: GAH!
Chuck: So you want your cup of tea?

[Father Rob throws the cup to the floor]

Chuck: That's a no then?
Father Rob: GET ME A DRINK!!!! WANT MY DRINK!!!!
Chuck: No, I don't think that would be a good idea.

[Father Rob stands up]

Father Rob: DRINK!

[Father Rob punches Chuck in the face, Chuck falls over]

Tina: Well that's enough entertainment for me for today. I'd better see
      the person who thinks he's in charge.

[The scene cuts to the main Bates office. Dai has his feet up on the desk.
 Tina enters]

Tina: What the hell is going on!
Dai: Ah, I've been....expecting you.
Tina: Get out of my chair this instant you idiot!
Dai: Why should I? I am now the managing director!
Tina: Get out now, or I will destroy you.
Dai: No!
Tina: I know your secret.

[Dai sounds nervous]

Dai: You leave me alone. I could have you killed.
Tina: I know all about the blue crystal that enhanced your mind.
Dai: You'll never find it! It's hidden in a place so secret
     that only the scriptwriters know.

[Marcus enters]

Marcus: Oh, you're back.
Tina: Why didn't you do something about this idiot becoming
      managing director?
Marcus: There was little I could do. 

[Tina looks at the desk and then runs her finger over it]

Tina: And look at this, there's so much dust on this table that I could 
      write my name in it!

[Marcus peers at the table]

Marcus: There's an "i" in Tina.
Tina: Where?

[pause]

Marcus: Well if that's all I'll be off. Things to do, etc, etc.

[Marcus leaves]

Tina: And I must be going as well. Enjoy my desk whilst you can.

[Tina leaves. Dai hits the intercom]

Dai: I'm hungry. Where's the jam?

[Back in reception]

Tina: So that's what happened?
Suki: Yes, Alison was such a tragic loss to us all.

[The camera cuts across to the doors. They open, a familiar figure 
 walks in]

Suki: Alison! But you're dead!
Woman: I'm not Alison, and I'm not dead.
Suki: Then...then.. who are you?

[Theme tune fades in]

Storylining by

Marcus Durham, David Lewis, Aidan Folkes and Charles Daniels

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Transmitted from the 22nd of August 1998

�1998 Marcus Durham and the respective writers of this episode. No part of this episode may be reproduced without prior written permission from David Hunter and Miss Diane. No attempt is made to supercede any existing copyrights.