THE BATES MOTEL CHARACTER GUIDE

THE BATES MOTEL VAULT

BACK TO THE MAIN BATES INDEX

[A boat at sea. The old seafort owned by Alden can be seen in the background.
 A phone is heard ringing. Marcus comes into shot and picks up the phone]

Marcus: Hello, this is your anonymous informant.

[Theme tune plays and fades out]

Marcus: Ah yes, that's right. Yes well I'd like to report some mysterious goings on at
        that old seafort owned by Alden Bates. Yes, I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't
        find a load of stolen goods there. In fact, I can personally guarantee it. OK, 
        goodbye.

[Meanwhile at Fairlawns Michelle is having problems with the law]

Police Officer 1: So if you could accompany us to the station, where I shall be 
	asking you some extremely probing questions, to which I've already got 
	the answers.
Michelle: But I'm innocent, the charges are false, you've got no proof.
Police Officer 2: We need to take down your particulars.
Michelle: But I've only just met you!
Police Officer 1: That's what they all say, we'll have some proof soon 
                  enough.
Dai [aside] : Yes, you will, as much as you need.
Police Officer 1: And if I could ask you gentlemen not to talk anyone about
                  this matter, and to make yourselves available to answer some
                  questions.  Don't leave this area. Now if you could just come
                  quietly Madam.
Michelle: No I'm going to come noisily. Help, HELP, uuurrrggghhhhh, nya-nya.
          I'm innocent, I'm being framed, I'm the Fall Guy, Police Brutality,
          Free The West Midlands One. 

[Police Officer 1 Pushes her out of the door]

Police Officer 2 [to Stephen] : If I could just ask you a few questions for our report sir ?
	Is there anyone around here acting strangely ?  Has anything odd happened in the
 	last few weeks.  Is there anyone around here with a grudge around against anyone 
	else ?
Stephen: I get it, this is the part where I explain the plot to the new viewers.
        Well Dai here was an idiot, but is now a genius, and is determined to
        take over Bates, and Fairlawns by framing Michelle. Trina and Chuck
        have gone off to Mexico together, as their contracts have expired. 
        Michelle has pushed Trinas car off a cliff to get rid of her................

[Out on the inexplicably never shown before restaurant patio at Bates,
 Davros and a Dalek want their lunch]

Davros: The service here is terrible.
Dalek: YES, THIS LEVEL OF SERVICE IS AN INSULT TO THE IMPERIAL DALEK FACTION.
Davros: I would have a person brought out to serve me.
Dalek: I WILL GET SOMEONE TO SERVE THE IMPERIAL DALEK'S EMPEROR.
Davros: Why do you keep repeating the fact that you are an Imperial Dalek?
Dalek: BECAUSE IT'S AN IMPORTANT PLOT POINT. DON'T YOU READ THE SCRIPTS?!
Davros: Just go and get the restaurant manager!
Dalek: OKAY! OKAY! SHEESH WHAT A GRUMP!

[The Dalek leaves. Davros begins to hum a strangely familiar tune. Suddenly two
 lab mice, one tall and thin, the other short with an enlarged cranium cross 
 the bottom of the screen carrying a Dalek gun-stick and a sink plunger. The 
 Dalek returns with Aidan in front of it under threat of EXTERMINATION]

Aidan: Alright, alright! Stop pushing!
Davros: At last! What happened to that Chuck person?
Aidan: He's on holiday, he wasn't contracted to appear in this episode so he's run
       off with Trina. Don't you read the scripts?!
Davros: Just get me the ploughman's lunch, I need the cheese to power my Daleks.
Dalek: AND I WILL HAVE THE NUTRIENT MIX, NUMBER SIX!
Aidan: Okay, okay.

[Aidan leaves and returns with a plate and a bowl and sets them before Davros and 
 the Dalek, they start to eat. Meanwhile in the office at Fairlawns. Stephen
 is now in charge. Dai hands Stephen a large brown paper bag]

Stephen: What's this?

[Stephen opens the bag. It's full of cash]

Dai: It's yours. For a job well done.
Stephen: But!!
Dai: No questions.

[Dai leaves the office and closes the door behind him. He takes his mobile
 phone from his pocket and dials]

Dai: Hello, is that Kings Oak police? Sergeant Carter please.

[pause]

Dai: Hello. Yes, I believe I can help you with your enquires. I believe Stephen
     Bray was paid by Michelle to help her. He has a load of cash which she
     withdrew from a company bank account and it has Michelles fingerprints all over
     it. Yes, he's in the office. Goodbye.

[Dai walks off laughing. Meanwhile Stephen has been listening on the other side of
 the door]

Stephen: Lawks, I'm being framed!

[Stephen runs out of the Emergency Exit down to the quayside. He spots the Global
 Hotels yacht. He jumps abroad and runs through to Dai's office. He rummages around
 spots some papers, snatches them and runs straight off the yacht. Dai walks out of the
 main complex unaware of what is going on. Stephen runs straight to the carpark, jumps
 in his car and speeds off. The Brigadier looks on]

Brigadier: Communists! It's a plot to exclude me from this soap opera you know.
           Talking to myself, eh Brigadier? Eh, what? Going mad, should bally
           well hope not.

[Meanwhile the scene cuts to an obviously (and badly made
 model) of the Bates Motel The Motel seen from above, obviously made of
 cardboard. The Camera pans across to capture the large spacecraft. It
 now looks like a dustbin lid hanging from a wire with a cake tin stuck
 to the bottom. The Camera now pans across with the spacecraft as it 
 lands in the Motel car park in the only free space left with all
 of Marcus' cars there.]

[COMPOSITE SHOT: A studio with a giant green cloth behind a short section spacecraft
 can be seen for a few seconds]

Voice [oov]: Bugger the CSO's not working.
Another Voice [oov]: Press the green button.

[Suddenly the model spacecraft replaces the green bits]

Dalek Voice [oov]: Bum! The doors not in the right place.

[A Giant hand reaches down and rotates the model so the door is in the right place.
 Now a bunch of grey Daleks can be seen milling about in the doorway]

Lead Dalek: FORWARD.

[The Daleks move out of the ship to be greeted by Marcus]

Marcus: Ere, have you got a reservation?
Grey Dalek: YES, WE NEVER GOT ROUND TO EXTERMINATING THE DOCTOR. NOW WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Marcus: Err, nothing. Bye.
Grey Dalek: WAIT WE HAVE TO EXPLAIN THE PLOT TO SOMEONE!
Marcus: And that would be me?
Grey Dalek: YES! WE HAVE TO COME TO GET DAVROS AND STOP HIS EXPERIMENTS!
Marcus: But he's a paying guest!
Grey Dalek [menacingly, well as menacingly as a mono-tonal voice can get]: SO?
Marcus: Err, nothing. I'll be off then since I've now finished for the season.

[Marcus leaves stage right at the double]

Grey Dalek: Bugger I forgot to ask for a room.
The Other Daleks: OH!
Grey Dalek: ENGAGE THE INVISABILITY FIELD.
Another Dalek: ENGAGING.

[The Dalek ship disappears as the CSO'd model is replaced by an outside shot of the
 car park. The remaining bit of ship now looks suspiciously like a Ford Fiesta. The
 Daleks head for the restaurant. Meanwhile Stephen is sitting in the sun. His
 mobile phone rings]

Stephen: Hello..... Michelle?...... I'm needed at the police station?.....
         to provide evidence that may well help clear your name?...........
         Yes, I'll be there as soon as possible.

[Stephen puts the phone down. The camera pulls back to reveal a large sign
 reading "Torromossawhassit".]

Stephen: Ah, I love Spain. They lovely blue sea, the sun and the blue sky.

[A waiter walks up. He looks strangely familiar]

Stephen: Ah, Portaloo. There you are.
Waiter: Ce signor?
Stephen: Ah yes, could you get me another of those drinks?
Waiter: Ce?
Stephen: Do you understand?
Waiter: No I don't! They cast me, and do they ask if I can speak Spanish?
        Of course they don't. It's a typical lack of attention to detail
        that we've come to expect from this soap! 
Stephen: Shut up! You said your Father was a Spanish freedom fighter.
         Anyway, keep on moving around and the viewers might start
         to notice that we're only pretending to be in Spain. We're
         really only in Southampton docks! Oh shi......


[On the patio at Bates Davros and the Dalek are having a post lunch drinky]

Davros [singing]: You take the HIGHroad, hic, and I'll take the lowROAD, hic and...

[He is cut off by the entry of three Grey Daleks]

Grey Dalek: WE ARE HERE TO TAKE YOU BACK FOR TRAIL DAVROS!
Davros: But I'm on Holiday. Oi Dalek sic em.
White Dalek: YOU ARE ENEMY OF MY MASTER DAVROS.
Grey Dalek: I'M SORRY, I INVOKE THE THREE DALEK MAX RULE.

[In a puff of logic the White Dalek turns in to an unconvincing cardboard cutout]

Davros: You can't do that.

[He tries to run but finds his travel machine heading in the wrong direction. One 
 of the Grey Daleks has a radio controller on its sink plunger. The Grey Daleks force 
 Davros to head for the ship. Back at the ship the Grey Daleks stuff Davros in the
 back of the Ford Fiesta (this time a real car in the real car park). The car takes
 off with a great burst of smoke, lifted by a big crane just out of shot]


[On the Island of Love Alden is growing increasingly bored]

Alden: 599 Green bottles hanging on the wall, 599 green bottles hanging on the wall,
       and if one green bottle should accidentally fall, there'll be...
Inhabitant: A small architect designed flat with en-suite.
Alden: NO! There'll be 598 green bottles hanging on the wall. How many times
           do I have to tell you how the song works.
Inhabitant: Well we don't usually sing things. We're usually too busy having
            designer parties at which we have absolutely no fun at all, but we
            turn up because they won't come to our party otherwise.

[Alden groans. Then he perks up]

Alden: Look a boat!
Inhabitant: Where, I can't see anything?
Alden: Over there [he points]
Inhabitant: I can only see a load of cameras.
Alden: No, you're supposed to pretend.
Inhabitant: Oh! Yes, now I can see it, a boat, perhaps some visitors. Maybe they
            want to show us a slideshow of their holiday snaps.

[Stock footage is then played in of a Coastguard boat with a policeman at the front, 
 which has been nicked from Howards' Way. The boat pulls up at a jetty and the
 policeman jumps off. We cut back to Alden]

Alden: Oh no! Police!

[Alden exits stage left at a very fast speed. A totally different policeman
 enters stage left, the Inhabitant points to the right and the policeman heads
 off after Alden. Meanwhle at Bates Alison is at the reception desk, Suki is
 shuffling some papers, trying to look as if she's doing something, in the
 corner is the coffee vending machine]

Alison: Yes sir, we are taking bookings after today.  Yes sir, the motel will still
        be here.  No sir, I don't know who will be in charge.  Thank you. [to Suki]
        That's the third in the last half an hour, I don't know where they get it from.
Suki: It's in this weeks Radio Times isn't it ?
Alison: Ummh, well, [bright idea crosses her face] What's a Radio Times, I only watch the 	
	Television.
[Father Rob walks up to the desk]
Father Rob: Drink !
Alison: If you would care for a drink Sir, the bar will be open shortly, this is a
        minibar in your room, or you could try room service.
Father Rob: [opens his coat to reveal a lining of miniatures] MORE DRINK!
Suki: If you could care for tea or coffee sir, we do have a vending 
      machine [points to machine]
Father Rob: DRINK!
Alison: If that's your attitude sir, I'm afraid I can't help you.

[outside shot, Soldeed is seen striding up to the main doors]

Soldeed: [waves his staff in the air] In the name of the second Skonnon Empire

[automatic doors open, Soldeed enters reception]

Father Rob: DRINK!
Suki: Call security, they can deal with him.
Alison [into an intercom]: Bing bong, security to reception. Security to reception.
Soldeed: Lord Nimon, it is I Soldeed. 

[turns around and approaches the automatic doors, waves his staff in the air] In the name
 of the second Skonnon Empire [automatic doors open, Soldeed leaves reception]

[Dave enters reception]

Suki: Do something about him, he's pestering us.
Father Rob: DRINK!
Dave: Come with me, I want to show you the coffee machine.
Father Rob: DRINK!
Dave: It does give drink, if you know which buttons to press. 

[they walk over to the coffee machine]

Father Rob: DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!

[outside shot, Soldeed is seen striding up to the main doors]

Soldeed: [waves his staff in the air] In the name of the second Skonnon Empire

[automatic doors open, Soldeed enters reception]

Alison: This place is turning into a madhouse, if only someone could come and save us.
Soldeed: Lord Nimon, it is I Soldeed.
Suki: Who is much an, he'd have to amazing, astounding, fantastic, he'd have to be...
DM: I've just brought a new shirt. It's really up to date, the collar is 3 feet wide!
Alison: Oh, er, right.
Suki: Please do something about all these nutters.

[Soldeed turns around and approaches the automatic doors, waves his staff in the air]

Soldeed: In the name of the second Skonnon Empire 

[automatic doors open, Soldeed leaves reception]

DM: Give the key for the automatic doors, I'll just shut them down, he'll
    never work out how to open them on his own.

 [he switches off the main doors]

[outside shot, Soldeed is seen striding up to the main doors]

Soldeed: [waves his staff in the air] In the name of the second Skonnon Empire 

[automatic doors don't open, Soldeed is outside] 

Soldeed: Lord Nimon it is I, Soldeed. [starts waving his staff at the doors]

[In the corner Dave and Father Rob are extracting strange steaming brews from
 the coffee machine]

Father Rob: DRINK!
DM: You to, out.  An man of the cloth should know better, and you Dave, union
    rules state that drinking on duty isn't allowed, and can result in loss
    of overtime.
Father Rob: GIRLS!
Dave: How dare you order me about! I'm your superior, not to mention an actor
      of such calibre that I was in Triangle!
DM: Well, OK. I've got to have respect for anybody who manages to stay the
    distance with Kate O'Mara.

[Dave and DM leave. Meanwhile on Aldens Island of Love the Police have arrived]

Policeman: Are You Alden Denzil Bates?
Alden: No.
Policeman: Oh.

[Alden smirks, he thinks he's got away with it. The policeman opens his notebook
 and reads something]

Policeman: Sorry, I meant to say: are you Alden Bates? I have to arrest a Signor
           Micheal Denzil Xavier Portillo later. He's a Spanish freedom fighter.
Alden: Umm, yes I am.
Policeman: It's about a Trina.
Alden: You mean the one I certainly haven't horribly murdered.
Policeman: We've found a body at the bottom of a cliff.
Alden: Cliff Richards has murdered Trina.
Policeman: No, a rock cliff. Anyway, who said it was Trina.
Alden: Umm.
Policeman: Exactly. Alden Bates.
Alden: Yes.
Policeman: I am arresting you for the Murder of one Trina. You do not have to
           say... Bugger it. Get yer clothes on you slag, yer nicked. 
Alden: Is this the bit where I escape, jump in a Jag mk2 and you chase me over
       an old industrial estate for half an hour?
Policeman: No.
Alden: Oh.


[Two other policeman who have been sneaking up behind Alden slam the cuffs on him
 and lead him away. Meanwhile in the Bates carpark Dave is dealing with the cars.
 Soldeed is outside the main doors casing a fuss]

Soldeed: [waves his staff in the air] In the name of the second Skonnon Empire.
Dave: Now if I put the mini at this end and the estate car at the other end, I can 
      park them in size order, that way the customers will know where their cars
      are, in order. And the best thing is that we can show all the glam cars
      that we have. Helps the soaps image. Superficial, that's us.

[Dai's car pulls up outside the Motel]

Dave: No, no, you can't park there, it messes up my size order. 
      How big is yours ?
Dai: I'm not telling you until you tell me first.
Dave: It's really big.
Dai: Oh, car, sorry, I misunderstood....what are you doing in the car park.
Dave: Parking cars, what else does one do in a car park ?  What are you
      doing at the Motel ?
Dai: Everybody will know soon enough. [aside] Nuthink in ze vurld can sctop me
     now. Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha,
     Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha,
     Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha.
Dave: That's alot of "Ha's"
Dai: Ah well, I'm Ha human, on my Mothers side.

[Dai walks into reception pushing Soldeed out of the way. Dave follows. The scene
 cuts to reception in Bates. Alison enters]

Alison: Ah Dai, how are you.
Dai: Fine.
Alison: What are you here for.
Dai: Revenge.
Alison: Oh.
Dai: I'm here to take over the Motel!

[Dave and Alison look shocked]

Dave: What? But how?
Dai: Simple, I brought up alot of shares and played the other players off against 
     each other. The opposition has been.... eliminated.
Dave: You'd better explain that to Marcus! He's in the office.
Dai: I suspect he already knows. But he won't understand until it is to late!
Dave: You've betrayed your friends.

[Dai stands there silently]

Dave: Have you betrayed us? Have you betrayed me?
Dai: Marcus doesn't understand.
Dave: Neither do I! 
Dai: Dave, Alison, join me in my quest to become the owner of the largest
     Hotel and Motel chain in the known universe!
Alison: No, I can't stand by and let this go on! It must stop, and it must stop
        now!

[Alison pulls out a rifle. Pauses, and then calmly aims at Dai. The scene cuts to 
 the outside of the Motel as three shots ring out. The Paul McCartney and Wings
 version of the theme tune fades in.]

Marcus Durham
David Lewis
Aidan Folkes

BACK TO THE MAIN BATES INDEX

THE BATES MOTEL CHARACTER GUIDE

THE BATES MOTEL VAULT