THE BATES MOTEL CHARACTER GUIDE

THE BATES MOTEL VAULT

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[Marcus walks up to the bar at Bates]
Aidan: Yes?
Marcus: Gin and tonic, and make it large.

[Theme tune plays and fades out]

Marcus: Everything's going so well and now I've got Michelle resisting a 
        take-over.
Aidan: I'd heard that after a bottle of wine she's anybodys. We've got some...
Marcus: No! Business!
Aidan: What, you mean?
Marcus: I mean Fairlawns!
Aidan: Oh.

[Suddenly a very out of place attractive woman enters the bar]

Woman [calling across]: Excuse me? Is this the Woolpack?
Aidan [calling across]: Sorry dear, wrong soap. Emmerdalek Farm's the
                        next studio along.
Marcus: How did you know that she doesn't belong in Bates?
Aidan: Easy. We've never seen her before and yet she can speak. It's a well
       known fact that this Motel is filled with non-speaking extras. 
Marcus: Pity. Could have done with some class around here.
Aidan: We're not common!

[Father Rob staggers over]

Father Rob: DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!
Marcus: Well if we're not then we're doing a blooming good impression!

[Chuck enters, spots Marcus and walks over]

Chuck: Do you have the restaurant bookings for tonight?
Marcus: Ask Alison. They're at reception.
Chuck: Oh.
Marcus: It's about time this Motel went up-market!
Chuck: Why?
Marcus: We have an image problem. People see us as cheap and tatty with bad
        storylines, wobbly walls and crap acting.
Chuck: Well yes, but not forgetting that we are cheap. The TV station likes
       cheap.
Marcus: Well we need more class!
Chuck: We get good ratings.... We do get good ratings don't we?
Marcus: About three.
Chuck: Well three million is reasonable. Well if you're called Sylvestor
       McCoy at anyrate.
Marcus: Not three million! Three! You know, one more than two!
Chuck: Oh. Could we be the only soap in the world where the cast 
       out-numbers the audience?
Marcus: No, you are forgetting Birtorado. The only soap ever to have
        viewing figures in minus numbers.
Chuck: What we have is character. We may be cheap, we may be crap,
       but we have character!
Marcus: Shut up! We need to eliminate all that is crap about this soap.
Chuck: Oh. Goodbye then. Nice knowing you.
Marcus: What?
Chuck: Oh, it's just I assumed that you were leaving.
Marcus: Hmmph.

[pause]

Chuck: Perhaps we could do what the did on Doctor Who?
Marcus: What?
Chuck: We could hire some celebrities to come in and help the ratings. With
       better ratings we get more money.
Marcus: Leave it with me. I'll speak to the producer.

[Meanwhile in the office at Fairlawns]

Stephen: So do you know what Dai is up to?
Michelle: No.

Stephen: Oh, and a Mr Cliff has booked a suite and mooring.
Michelle [getting jumpy]: Cliff? What cliff? I've haven't been
                          near any cliffs.
Stephen: Oh, and what happened to that Trina? She hasn't been seen
         for days but her car is still outside.
Michelle: I haven't been near any cliffs and I definitely haven't seen
          Trina.
Stephen: What's wrong with you?
Michelle: Nothing.
Stephen: Seen Alden.
Michelle: NO!
Stephen: Jumpy today?
Michelle: Who's jumpy? Who's murdered somebody?
Stephen: Er, nobody.
Michelle: Good, remember that!
Stephen: How's the money situation?
Michelle: Slightly better. But I get this feeling of impending doom. It's
          almost as if I'm being fitted up for a crime I didn't commit.
          Which is odd, considering what happened yesterday.
Stephen: What happened yesterday? And what about cliffs and Trina?
Michelle: Shut up or I'll sack you.
Stephen: OK, I wouldn't want the push.
Michelle: AARRRRGGGHHH!!!

[Dai is on his yacht. He is speaking to his secretary, except for the fact
 that she is a non-speaking extra]

Dai: So that's my plans complete then. Heh heh, I do love it when a plan
     comes together.

[The non-speaking extra nods]

Dai: And nobody will know what's hit them. Capture both with one blow, I 
     love it. And the third, our Mr Bates, I want revenge with him. He'll
     end up where I intend to put Michelle!

[The non-speaking extra nods]

Dai: What do you mean, that doesn't make sense? Read the end of the script
     woman! It's all my doing! Me! Me! Bwa-ha-ha-ha!

[Alden is on his Island of Love. He's sitting on the beach, the skies are grey,
 the sand is, er, grey and it's not doing miracles for his suntan either]

Alden [clicking his fingers]: Oy you! Get over here!

[A blank faced inhabitant runs over]

Inhabitant: Yes Mr Bates.
Alden: Did you eliminate Trina as ordered?
Inhabitant: She is no longer on the island.
Alden: Excellent. And tell me, what do you do for entertainment on this island.
Inhabitant: Ah now, I did know this one. Wait a minute, it will come to me.
Alden: Answer! I have control of this island, I have control of all
       of your minds and you cannot answer my question! Failure will
       not be tolerated.
Inhabitant: Well in 1956 we did visit the mainland. That's the last time
            we had any entertainment.
Alden: Damn! Damn you and all your kind! 

[It's early morning the next day. Marcus is working in the office at Bates.
 Alison bursts in and she's very angry]

Alison: Who the hell is behind the reception desk?
Marcus: Our new celebrity characters. They'll help push up the ratings.
Alison: It's ridiculous!
Marcus: Look, calm down and go and speak to them.
Alison: I don't see why I should!
Marcus: I pay your wages!
Alison: Oh, very well

[Alison walks out of the office and into reception. The camera pulls back 
 to reveal two familiar figures behind the reception desk.]

Zippy: Hello Miss Alison.
George: Hello Miss Alison.
Alison: Oh God! What did I do to deserve this? Working with children's
        puppets!
Zippy: Well Miss Alison, we're celebrities you see. You need us to
       improve the ratings.
Alison: Where's the other two?
George: Bungle was arrested for obscene behaviour.
Zippy: He was bear in public. Ahahahahaha.
Alison: Excuse Me whilst I go and fetch a shotgun. Open season for puppets
        has just been declared!

[Alison storms off]

George: Do you think we offended her.
Zippy: No. Now where did I put my fags?

[A Dalek trundles in]

George: Oh no Zippy! A Dalek! You know what this means.
Dalek: YES! IT MEANS I CAN'T DO TWO BLOODY VOICES AT ONCE!
Zippy [in an oddly normal voice]: Wrong microphone, bugger. Oh shi....

[The scene quickly cuts to security]

Dave: So any news on that Barfomatic coffee vending machine?
DM: It's just vanished. There it was in the middle of reception and then it
    just vanished!
Dave: Somebody must have moved it.

[Dave goes over to a cupboard and opens it. The coffee machine
 is inside it]

Dave: Er, how did it get here? And what does this screen on the side say?

[DM walks over]

DM: Transmitting data to planet Skaro?
Dave: Skaro? I've never heard of it.
DM: I think it's a town just outside of Swindon. It must be reporting back
    to it's factory.
Dave: Of course. Well I'll leave it in the cupboard then. It's not
      as if it's transmitting information to an alien planet in
      another solar system is it? [laughs]

[Dave closes the cupboard]

DM: Did I say that I've been offered a job in Emmerdalek Farm as an extra?
Dave: No.
DM: It's a really good offer, it's as an extra in the Woolpack. 
Dave: I've heard about that. Don't they fill your pockets with change
      and tell you to drink as much as you like?
DM: Yeah, and at the end of the day you get a wage packet as well!
Dave: So are you going to accept it?
DM: Probably not. Trouble is that in Emmerdalek as a non-speaking
    extra I'll probably run the risk of getting exterminated.
Dave: Yeah, that always happens to the extras.

[At Fairlawns in the office]

Michelle: You've had Trina's car towed away then?
Stephen: What? Oh yes, I phoned the Police. They must have got it.
Michelle [shocked]: The Police?
Stephen: Well I suppose Trina could have come back and taken it. I didn't see
         the Police personally. It's not as if she's been horribly and
         brutally murdered is it?
Michelle [laughs nervously]: Obviously not.

[pause]

Stephen: What's the problem.
Michelle: Er, nothing. You couldn't book me a plane ticket to Brazil could you?
Stephen: Brazil, but why?
Michelle: Er, I've heard they've got very nice tracksuits.
Stephen: Oh, er, right.

[There's a knock on the door]

Michelle: Enter.

[The door opens. It's two Police officers. Michelle stands up, then
 faints]

Police Officer 1: Is there a Miss Michelle Nire here?

[Stephen points to the floor]

Police Officer 1: Miss Nire. I have to inform you that I am arresting you
                  for insider dealing. You do not have to say anything but
                  anything you do say may be taken down and used against
                  you in a court of law. We reserve the right to falsify
                  evidence against you.
Stephen: Falsify evidence?
Police Officer 2: Well this is the West Midlands.
Stephen: Oh, of course.

[Michelle becomes conscious]

Michelle [getting up]: So, can I help you gentleman [laughs]
Stephen: They've arrested you for insider dealing.
Michelle: Oh... that's a relief. I thought they'd arrested me for murdering
          Trina by pushing her over a cliff.
Police Officer 1: No, insider dealing. All those shares you brought
                  in the Bates Motel. You had privileged information
                  that there was going to be a takeover. You profited
                  by it.
Michelle: Did I?

[The door bursts open. Dai enters]

Dai: Indeed you did Michelle. Or may I call you Michelle? You came to my 
     yacht and saw information on my desk about a proposed take-over of the
     Bates Motel after it was floated on the stock-exchange. You used that
     information for your own personal gain. You brought shares and then
     used a nominee company to sell them to me at inflated prices.
Michelle: Did I? I couldn't have done.
Stephen: So, Dai, you intend to takeover the Bates Motel?
Dai: That's right me old mucker, I'm going to take over the Bates Motel. And
     by law you are not allowed to tell anybody as it would interfere with
     the inquiry into Michelle's affairs! Ahahaha!
Michelle: My affairs? But there was only one occasion, and then it was
          never proved. Well not unless you count the three page feature
          in the News of the World. And how was I to know he was a
          cabinet minister? Cecil I said....
Stephen: I think he means your business affairs.

[In reception at Bates, Zippy and George are still behind the reception
 desk. They are both banging the desk with wooden sticks.
 The phone rings. George picks it up.]

George: Hello Bates Motel? No sorry, we don't have any rooms. We're all
        to busy banging behind the reception desk..... Well there's no
        need to take that attitude.

[Chuck walks across reception]

Chuck: Are you two still here?
Zippy: Yes Mr Chuck.
Chuck: I'm about to start serving lunch. So shut up and go away.

[Pete enters]

Chuck: What are you doing out of your kitchen?
Pete: Och, well laddie, the viewers haven't seen me for ages so I thought
      I would put in an appearance.
Chuck: But out here, dressed like that.
Pete: Well I canne do much about it laddie. It's the only costume I have.
Zippy [interrupting]: Where's your kilt then? Ahahaha.
Chuck: Ignore him Pete. What's for lunch?
Pete: How about puppet soup, followed by roast puppet with cold
      puppet pie with ice cream?

[Zippy and George slowly disappear beneath the desk]

Pete: Seems to have done the trick.
Chuck: You should come out more often.

[The scene cuts to the outside of the Bates Motel. Chucks car pulls up outside
 the Motel. His passenger looks familiar, it's Trina]

Trina: Oh it's been a good day. 
Chuck: Has it?
Trina: I left some incriminating evidence in my room. It will put Alden in
       a spot of bother.
Chuck: And Michelle thinks she murdered you in order to save her own
       place in the soap. Or so the script says.
Trina: So I can come back next season and take her place!
Chuck: Or so you hope. I'm safe at anyrate.
Trina: Nobody is safe in the world of soap opera.
Chuck: Why are we running away to Mexico together anyway? I've never seen
       you before and 5 minutes ago I was in the restaurant serving lunch.
       It's a physical impossibility for me to have changed my clothes,
       got my car, collected you and driven out here in under 5 minutes!
Trina: Simple, you are only contracted for 23 of the 24 episode of the 
       season. So the writers, being lazy, thought they would write us
       out at the same time.
Chuck: Er, OK. Mexico here we come.

[Chucks car speeds off into the distance as the theme tune fades in]

Marcus Durham
David Lewis
Aidan Folkes

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THE BATES MOTEL CHARACTER GUIDE

THE BATES MOTEL VAULT