THE BATES MOTEL CHARACTER GUIDE

THE BATES MOTEL VAULT

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[Michelle's car pulls up at the beach just outside of the village. Michelle and
 Stephen get out of the car]

[Theme tune plays and fades out]

Michelle: I must know what Alden is up to.

Stephen: Well, when we were inside just now your hair was shorter and blonde.
Michelle: Don't be silly. We're filming this location sequence 6 months in
          advance!
Stephen: But won't the viewers notice?
Michelle: The general public don't notice these things, it's
          only us professionals who notice such little details.
Stephen: What are we doing out here anyway?
Michelle: I want to use these binoculars to see if I can see what Alden is up to.
Stephen: Oh, right. But I thought you didn't mind Alden being out of the way.
Michelle: Well yes, but there are other problems.
Stephen: You have problems?
Michelle: I'm worried that I won't be around much longer.
Stephen: Why?
Michelle: The end of season is approaching.
Stephen: Oh well, you could always launch a pop career.
Michelle: I can't sing.
Stephen: That never stopped anybody before! Anyway, what's the problem?
Michelle: I see the main problem as being Trina. I must do something about her.
          
[Things are busy in reception at Bates. Alison is going about her business.
 Suddenly, unnoticed, The barf-o-matic coffee machine appears from nowhere
 and locates itself in the middle of reception. Alison turns around.]

Alison: Where did that come from?

[Chuck walks over to the reception desk]

Chuck: Can I speak to Marcus?
Alison: I'm sorry Marcus isn't in his office.
Chuck: He's probably out stealing from widows and orphans.
Alison: Don't be stupid. That's on Mondays!
Chuck: Well at least that machine is out of my restaurant!
Alison: But how did it get here?
Chuck: Dave must have moved it as I asked.
Alison: I didn't see anything.
Chuck: Oh you know Dave, he's pretty stealthy.
Alison: Not at 3am in the staff chalet line.
Chuck: Eh?
Alison: Oh, nothing.

[awkward pause]

Alison: Er, is that the telephone I can hear ringing?

[another awkward pause]

Alison: I said, is that the telephone I can hear RINGING!

[The telephone rings. Alison picks it up]

Alison: Hello, Bates Motel. The West Midlands top source of quality board and
        lodgings. How may I help you?...... I see, you are phoning up in order
        to blatantly pad this scene out...... Yes....... Yes......Yes I see...
        You reckon that's long enough..... Well thank you, goodbye.

[Alison puts the phone down]

Chuck: Do you think Aidans been acting strangely since he went on that 
       bar management course?
Alison: No more strange than usual.
Chuck: Suppose so.
Alison: And what about that coffee machine.
Chuck: Oh leave it there, it's not as if it can do any harm.

[Chuck turns his back on the machine. As he does so a small probe pops out of the
 top of the machine, rotates and retracts again. Davros trundles through reception
 followed by a Dalek]

Dalek: DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!
Davros: Will you shut up!
Chuck: Morning Mr Davros.

[Davros trundles through into the bar. Chuck follows close behind]

Dalek: DRINK!

[Davros turns around to face the Dalek]

Davros: You've been with that Father Rob again haven't you?
Dalek: DRINK!
Davros: Say that again and I will exterminate you!
Aidan: I won't have exterminating on my licensed premises Mr Davros!
Davros: My apologies. But may I say that you haven't complained before.
Aidan: Sorry, now I'm in charge of the bar they sent me on a bar course. So what
       will it be?
Davros: I'll have a pint of Best.
Aidan: [pause] Ah... that will be one of those new flavour crisps.
Davros: No, a pint of Best Bitter.
Aidan: So that's a packet of crisps then.
Darvos: No! I command a pint of best bitter.
Aidan: Wait a minute, let me get the crisps first.
Davros: No a pint of bitter. No crisps.
Aidan: So that will be a pint of scotch then!
Davros: NO! Cancel the order.
Aidan: OK. What do you want then?
Davros: Give me two pounds of coal.
Aidan: That will be a pint of bitter then sir.
Davros: Hurrah!
Aidan: With or without lemon and ice?
Davros: ARRGHHHH!!!!

[from the far corner Father Rob shouts out]

Father Rob: GIRLS!
Dalek: DRINK!
Davros: Shut up!

[On the Global Hotels Yacht Dai is browsing some files. His secretary enters]

Dai: Ah, could you bring me the files for The Kings Oak Travel Tavern? You know,
     my development plans for the Bates Motel once I have control.

[The secretary nods]

Dai: Oh no, not another non-speaking extra!

[Meanwhile on the "Island of Love" with Alden's control complete his 
 darker side is becoming apparent. He is talking to Trina. He has
 adopted the Evil Megalomaniac voice number five.]

Alden: So my power is complete...
Trina: Why are you talking funny?
Alden: Because I'm an evil power crazed dictator.
Trina: I thought you were a sun-tanned madman.
Alden: Look, I'm trying to get rid of you, so shut up and listen.
Trina: Ooh! Excuse me for breathing!
Alden: If you aren't off this island before 6PM I will personally see to
       it that you breathing is no longer a problem.
Trina: Well if that's your attitude.
Alden: YOU WILL BE ELIMINATED!
Trina: Why are you talking in capitals?
Alden: Oh...

[We cut quickly before Alden can start saying words that don't belong in
 a family web soap. Back at Fairlawns the situation is worse. An atmosphere
 of Doom hangs like a band of rampaging England football hooligans.
 Stephen and Michelle are discussing the situation in the main office]

Stephen: Oh woe is us, woe is us.
Michelle: Oh, pull yourself together, anybody would think your character 
          was possibly going to disappear in the great Season Three shake up.
Stephen: I bloody well hope not.
Michelle: Things can't get much worse. My grip on Fairlawns is on the brink!
          The Bates Motel getting a massive injection of capital from
          a floation and somebody buying up Fairlawns shares would
          surely destroy me!
Stephen: But that will never happen.
Michelle: Are you sure?
Stephen: Actually, no. But then again I just say what's in the script.
Michelle: This is all Trina's fault. If I could get my hands on her,
          I would ELIMINATE... whoops slipped into capitals there.
Stephen: Last I heard she was on Alden's Island of Love.
Michelle: EXCELLENT, sorry, I Will CONfront her. HicCUP.

[Michelle leaves the office, a determined look on her face. Meanwhile
 on Dai's Yacht a phone is ringing]

Phone: Ring, ring... Ring, ring...
Dai: All right, boyo, I'm coming.
Phone: Look mate I'm only doing this because there isn't much work
       for voice artists at the moment. That Angus Deaytons got most of the ads.
Dai: Just ring boyo!
Phone: Oh all right. Ring.

[Dai picks up the phone. A pleasant but synthetic female voice can be heard]

Voice: This is Grabit and Run Telecom. We have a reverse charge call from a...
Trina's Voice: Trina
Voice:  ...Do you accept the charges? Please Say yes after the tone.
Voice: Tone.
Dai: YES.
Voice: Thank you for accepting the charges, The call will be charged
       at ten thousand pounds for the first minute and five thousand f
       or each subsequent minute. Click.
Trina: Hello Dai?
Dai: What do you want and be quick about it. This is costing me a fortune!
Trina: Alden's fired me. I think he's going out of control!
Dai: YOU HAVE FAILED ME.
Trina: Well excuse me for breathing!
Dai: If you don't get back in Alden's employ that is a problem...
Trina: Alden's already done that line. Sheesh you'd think the scriptwriters
       were running out of lines.
Dai: If you don't get Alden to re-employ you, you won't live to regret it!
Trina: Well if that's your attitude.

[She hangs up]

Voice: This call has cost you half the GDP of a small South American country.
       Thank you for using Grabit and Run Telecom. Please call again, we doubt
       it, but you never know.
Dai: Ohhhh...

[Again we cut away to avoid Mary Whitehouse inciting language we're not
 that desperate for an audience.]

[The Camera is in a helicopter zooming across the Solent, somehow somebody
 managed to wrangle a bit of extra money out of the network. Unfortunately
 it's come too late to actually make much of a difference to the quality
 of the show, so it was decided to use it up in a fancy shot. The camera
 zooms in on a cliff front. Striking a magnificent pose, hair blowing wildly
 in the wind created by the helicopter Michelle is confronting Trina.]

Michelle: TRINA.
Trina: Umm, yes.
Michelle: You HAVE HAD your LAST CHANCE.
Trina: Not you as well. Are you trying to be megalomaniacally evil as well.
Michelle: No, I am emulating the great Kate O'Mara.

[The Helicopter is starting to drown out the words]

Trina: Oh. What do you want?
Michelle: What did you say?
Trina: WHAT?
Michelle: I SAID, WHAT DID YOU SAY!
Trina:  I SAID...

[The Helicopter backs off]

Trina: ...What did you want?
Michelle: There ISN'T enough ROOM in this soap for you! You must GO NOW!
Trina: And if I don't?
Michelle: Then I'm SURE I can help "PUSH" you out! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

[The camera zooms out from the "Cliff-hanger" as Michelle stomps ominously
 towards Trina. Meanwhile in security at Bates Dave and Dangermouse are
 skiving watching the Football]

Dave: I'm only turning on the TV if you promise not to sing insulting
      songs about Jimmy Hill.
DM: But that's half the fun!
Dave: Look, he's married with children.
DM: But I'm Scottish. It's a source of national pride that Scottish people get 
    to sing insulting songs about Jimmy Hill.
Dave: We won't watch the match!
DM: Oh very well.

[Dave switches the TV on]

Dave: I once knew a sports presenter.
DM: Not Des Lynham?
Dave: Correct.
DM: Wow! You knew Des Lynham!
Dave: No, you were correct, it was not Des Lynham. The woman I knew was Dickie Davies
      understudy on World of Sport.
DM: What happened to her?
Dave: Well, she moved in some very mysterious circles.
DM: Oh?
Dave: She had one leg shorter than the other.

[A large chin appears on the TV screen]

Dave: Jimmy Hill in widescreen. Quite frightening really.
DM [starts singing]: Jimmy Hill's a po...
Dave: Right that does it!

[Dave turns the TV off]

DM: Why did you do that?
Dave: Oh shut up and read the paper!

[DM looks at the headline]

DM: What's this.

[pause]

DDM [reading the front page]: Motel Star Faces Axe!

[The camera jerkily zooms in on Dangermouses shocked face. Meanwhile in the main
 office at Bates, Marcus, Suki and Chuck are gathered around a screen]

Marcus: Where's Trina. She engineered the floatation, she could at least
        be here.
Chuck: Why am I here?
Marcus: Because you were booked to appear in this episode and the producer 
        wants value for money.
Chuck: Oh, right.
Marcus: So sit down, shut up and observe me becoming obscenly rich.
Suki: So why am I here?
Marcus: Because Tina Perrot is away, you have control of her shares. Therefore
        you are here to observe.
Suki: Oh. So I'm here to watch you becoming rich as well?
Marcus: Yes. Good, isn't it?

[The screen lights up]

Chuck: 10 seconds to go before the motel is floated.
Suki: But what happens if it goes wrong.
Marcus: We'll be ruined!
Chuck: Here we go!

[The screen suddenly goes dead. Marcus hits the top of the monitor.]

Marcus [mutters]: Ruddy Amstrad crap.
Chuck [reading from the screen]: Bates Motel PLC, 5 pounds 11 pence per share!
Marcus: We're paper millionaires! We're rich!
Chuck: Correction, you are rich. 

[Marcus grabs a bottle of champagne from the desk, opens it and sprays it
 everywhere.]

Chuck: So, would this be the time to ask for a rise?

[Marcus pours out the champagne. Everybody drinks some. There is a knock on the
 door, Michelle enters]

Michelle: Celebrating?
Marcus: Say hello to the new Managing Director of Bates Motel PLC!

[Marcus passes the nearly empty bottle of champagne to Michelle]

Marcus: Here, have the dregs.

[Michelle takes the bottle]

Marcus: You may like to know that I've acquired a 10% stake in Fairlawns.
Michelle: But that's my company!
Marcus: Not for much longer! If I gain the Brigadiers support, you will
        be finished!
Michelle: Fairlawns is mine! And nothing and no-one will take it away from me!
          I built it up from nothing! I'll retain control, you'll see!

[Marcus laughs madly and Michelle storms out slamming the door 
 as the theme tune fades in]

Marcus Durham
David Lewis
Aidan Folkes

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