THE BATES MOTEL CHARACTER GUIDE

THE BATES MOTEL VAULT

BACK TO THE MAIN BATESINDEX

[The yellow swirley thing moves into the background]

Chuck: Oh no! We're almost out of money for this episode. Get rid of it quick, 
        before we...

[Theme tune plays and fades out]

[Marcus walks in having had a change of clothes]

Chuck: Where have you been? We've got an emergency here!
Marcus: I always like to dress for the occasion.
Chuck: Well I'm glad to see that you are aware of the gravity of the situation.
Marcus: Well yes, without gravity we'd all be up on the ceiling, which would
        be rather an inconvenience. I'd be rather dizzy in fact.

[Aidan runs in carrying a gun shaped object]

Aidan: I may have a solution.
Dave: Oh yes, and what makes you think I need your solution
Aidan: The fact that you haven't eliminated the special effect yet.
Dave: Well I'm assessing the situation.
Aidan: You've done nothing.
Dave: Well in the fullness of time I may well reach a conclusion.
Aidan: You are going to do nothing.
Dave: Of course I wouldn't do nothing.
Aidan: What would you do.
Dave: I'd have a cup of tea.

[pause]

Aidan: Anyway, here's how to eliminate the special effect. Just point it, focus is
       and press the green button.

[Dave begins to fiddle with the gun. Alison and Dangermouse are looking on from
 the other side of reception]

Alison: What's Dave up to?
DM: He's trying to focus.
Alison: What? All of us?

[Dave focuses the ray at the special effect. The screen goes blue and
 green and a swirley sound starts. Then with a big bang the special
 effect vanishes. Meanwhile at the quayside at Fairlawns, Trina pulls
 up in her car, next to a large impressive looking Yacht, it is called
 'The Pride of Wales', and Global Hotel's is written across the side,
 a non-speaking deck-hand extra is pretending to mop the deck]

Trina: Hey, you, I want to speak to the MD of Global Hotel's, where is he ?

[The deckhand points towards inside of yacht]

Trina: Don't you speak ?
Deckhand: I'm not paid to !

[Trina enters darkened interior of the Yacht, there is a large desk with a 
 high-back swivel chair behind it, the chair is facing away from us, but
 there is obviously someone in it, a Wagnerian Opera is playing loudly]

Male Opera: Oooooh, ahhhhh, Oooooh aaahhhhrrrrr
Female Opera: Ich habe eine nagelneue Mähdrescherernte,
Male Opera: Und ich gebe Ihnen das Schlüssel,
Female Opera: Boom, boom..........
Trina: Hello, (shouts) HELLO
MD: (from behind the chair, switches music off) I do apologise Trina, I 
    gained a taste for Das Versels, in my recent visit to Germany.
    Now is our plan going? 

[chair turns around and reveals the MD to be....Dai]

Trina: Everything is proceeding according to plan, the Bates Motel will
       be floated on the stock market in the next few days.
Dai: Excellent, excellent, little do they know the fate worse than
     death which awaits them.
Trina: Alden will do as he is told or suffer the consequences.
Dai: ha ha
Trina: ha ha ha

[Meanwhile Davros and a Daleks are on the beach]

Davros: Why don't you for a swim.
Dalek: I HATE WATER!
Davros: Then sun bathe!
Dalek: I HATE THE SUN. IT MAKE'S ME GO ALL RED AND BLOTCHEY!
Davros: Stop moaning and get the sandwiches out.
Dalek: I DO NOT LIKE SAND!
Davros: No, sandwiches, nutrients to consume.
Dalek: I DID NOT HAVE THEM!
Davros: Yes, you did, I told you to bring them, before be left.
Dalek: YOU DID NOT!
Davros: I did, I am your creator! You will go back and retrieve the 
        sandwiches or you will be exterminated.
Dalek: ROLLOCKS! 

[At Fairlawns Stephen and Michelle are discussing Trina in the main office]

Michelle: I am a little worried. She's up to something.
Stephen: Who?
Michelle: Trina.
Stephen: Oh.. She's all shoulder pads and hair spray.
Michelle: I'm not so sure.
Stephen: Trust me. This kind of thing was always happening when I worked at Bates.
	 Everything's quite normal here. No silly schemes, no mad plans to take
         over the universe. No characters disappearing for 6 months. I remember
         one time Tina had Alden's tea laced with sleeping pills. He woke up
         in a prison cell in deepest Peru and wasn't seen on-screen for 6 months.
Michelle: And that wasn't because Alden wanted a holiday from the soap?
Stephen: Now you come to mention it.....

[pause]

Stephen: Oh yes, whilst I remember, where's the coffee machine gone?
Michelle: Eh?
Stephen: You know, the big beige boxy thing with a picture of a coffee cup on the
         front of it. Presumably so people don't mistake it for a emergency
         exit or a door to the toilet.
Michelle: Oh that. Well presumably they've taken it away.....Or..
Stephen: Or?
Michelle: Well it might have concluded it's research and returned home to
          it's Mother planet.
Stephen: Oh well, the drinks were vile anyway. And the keypad made no sense. I
         ask you, why did we have to type "102828" just to get a cup of tea?
Michelle: "102828" wasn't tea. That was the self cleaning cycle!
Stephen: Well it was better than the coffee!
Michelle: Have you seen Alden?
Stephen: He's out on the quayside.
Michelle: When I let him buy into this venture I thought he would take more
          of an active role. What was he like when he owned part of Bates?
Stephen: Oh, much the same. I often thought I was the only sane person there.
Michelle: Really.
Stephen: Woah Mrs Miggens, your muffins are on fire! MEEP MEEP!
Michelle: Indeed.

[At the quayside at Fairlawns, Alden is preparing to leave for the Island.
 Trina walks up, a faint chanting can be heard]

Alden: I'm glad you've arrived Trina, I have conditioned all the islanders
       with my mind control ray.  Now we can go to my Island of Love and
       make Parkhurst, a prison on the Island, our new headquarters.
Trina: Yes, whatever you say, can we just get on with it, the sooner it's
       up and running the better.
Alden: Yes, we can GET IT UP as soon as we arrive.
Trina: Alden, have you noticed you seem to be talking in double entendres ?
Alden: Really, if you want a double entendre, I CAN GIVE YOU ONE.
Trina: No, no, I just want to PULL IT OFF, no I mean I want to
       GET STUCK IN.  Look, you've got me DOING IT, now, stop it.
Alden: It must be a sort of residual effect from my mind control ray, I have
       all the islanders under my control, they'll pay for that bloody
       miserable time I spent incarcerated on that island.
Trina: I didn't know you'd been to prison !
Alden: I hadn't, that was the holiday camp.
Trina: Holiday camp?
Alden: No it's just these trousers.
Trina: There's a strange noise coming from The Island of Love
Alden: Ah, that will be the chanting
Trina: Chanting?
Alden: No thank's I'm trying to give it up.

[A hippie walks past]

Hippie: Peace man!

Alden: That's what the islanders will be like after they've been fully
       processed.
Trina: Hippies?
Alden: Yes. I plan to grow my hair long and relax on my island of love.
Trina: Oh, that kind of love. I thought you were going to turn the island
       into something rather naughty that wouldn't be suitable for a family
       soap opera. Oh so that's why you are wearing beads and have flowers
       in your lapel.
Alden: Got it in one my dear.

[Meanwhile at the Quayside at Fairlawns, Michelle is about to step on-board
 the Global Hotels Yacht]

Michelle: Hello, I've come to speak to the MD of Global Hotels?
Deckhand: (points towards inside of yacht)
Michelle: Don't you speak ?
Deckhand: Don't start !

[Michelle goes on deck where Dai is drinking champagne]

Michelle: Hello.
Dai: (singing) Ich hasse A.B., Ich hänge....
Michelle: Didn't you once work at Bates?
Dai [obviously embarrassed]: Hello Michelle, what can I do for you ?
Michelle: I've come to try and persuade you to invest in Fairlawns, I
          have a prospectus here, it's a chance too good to miss.
Dai: I thought the Brigadier was your investor.
Michelle: He missed it.

Dai: Ah, well I'm afraid that I don't think at this time, with this
     present fiscal climate that Global could fund any further expansion
     into the leisure business.
Michelle: I checked before I came, the company has extensive funds, as if 
          you were building up a reserve, ready to take over... (interrupted)
Dai: Look, I don't know what you think, but we haven't got the money.
Michelle: I'm desperate, help me Dai, you're my only hope.
Dai: Sorry, but it is no.
Michelle: I'll say good day to you then. 

[Michelle leaves]

Dai [to himself: She's too clever by half, something will have to be done
      about her

[Back on the quayside]

Michelle: (ou) He's up to something and I'm going to find out what it is.

[The kitchens of The Bates Motel, a film crew led by Pete are making a nuisance 
 of themselves, Chuck is flustered]

Pete[ walking around with a light meter]: Is the light OK for you here love ? 
Chuck: What exactly are you doing here ?
Pete: We're filming a documentary, it's for Survival, it's called "When Food
      Goes Bad"
Chuck: I thought they were usually about animals ?
Pete: Have you looked in your fridge lately, there's more wildlife in there
      than in London Zoo.
Chuck: Do you have permission ?
Pete: The proprietor himself gave us permission.
Chuck: He actually said you could film here ?
Pete: Well, what he actually said was "Yes, film whatever you want, just
      don't give me the film of that exposé of my private life.  Now get
      out of my office"
Chuck: And I can't induce you piss off and film somewhere else
Pete: No, we're all set up anyway.
Chuck: OK, then don't blame me if some of that offal leaps up and
       tries to strangle you.
Pete: But do I have the right ?
Chuck: Do you doubt it ?


[Alden is on the Isle of Wight, which is now his island of love. Trina walks
 up to Alden]

Alden: Take one of the boats over there. You can keep it if you want. The
       original owner will have no need for it now the island is under my
       control.
Trina: Er, thanks.

[Trina walks over to the boat, jumps onboard and speeds off]

[Alden snaps his fingers. An island inhabitant with a blank looking face
 walks over]

Alden: Hey you. Get me a bottle of fake suntan lotion. I feel a tan coming on.

[In the carpark at Bates there is much going on. A crowd of people
 are gathered around a yellow Ford Capri. It's DM and he's selling videos
 from the back of his car]

DM: Roll up, get yer videos here. Yes, sir. A copy of Big and Bouncy
    on Betamax? Yep, I've got one here. A copy of Evil of the Daleks
    on Video 2000? Sorry that format is a bit cutting edge for these parts.

[Marcus walks out of the Motel, looks around and hurries over]

Marcus: What the hell's going on here! 
DM: Er, fancy a video guv?
Marcus: Certainly not! And all you people, clear off now before I call the
        police!

[The people jump into their cars and speed off in all directions,
 even over the flowerbeds]

Marcus: I'll remember every one of you! I've got a photographic
        memory. Click! Click! Click!

[The Raston warrior robot appears out of nowhere]

Robot: Er, excuse me. You couldn't tell me who Marcus Durham is. I have to
       eliminate him.
Marcus: Oh...er... Well it's defiantly not me.

[an evil look comes over Marcus's face]

Marcus: You'll be wanting the restaurant manager. He call's himself
        Chuck.
Robot: Oh, thanks.

[The robot jumps in the air and disappears. Michelle's red sports car pulls
 into the carpark]

Marcus: What does she want here?

[Michelle gets out of the car]

Michelle: Can I discuss something with you?
Marcus: If it's about that oil deal then no.
Michelle: It's more important than that.
Marcus: Oh. Well do come inside.

[The scene cuts to the main Bates office. Marcus enters followed by 
 Michelle]


Marcus: I don't see Trina as a threat! She's been most helpful.
Michelle: But look at the size of her shoulder pads!
Marcus: Eh?
Michelle: In soap opera terms, the size of your shoulder pads is
          directly proportional to how important your character is.
Marcus: And she's got big ones?
Michelle: She's also got big shoulder pads.
Marcus: But Bates can't support another character. If she's going
        to be an important character then somebody will be edged out!
Michelle: Every one of our jobs is under threat!

[There is a knock on the door]

Marcus: Enter.

[Aidan enters]

Marcus: What do you want?
Aidan: There's been an incident in the bar.
Marcus: What happened?
Aidan: Well Father Rob attacked one of the other guests.
Marcus: Is that all. Was there anything else?
Aidan: Well this woman came in and asked for a double-entendre. So I
       gave her one.
Marcus [looks to camera]: Who's writing this rubbish?
Aidan: Oh, and a coffee vending machine has appeared in the middle
       of the restaurant. Mr Chuck is very annoyed about it.
Marcus: So?
Aidan: Are you going to deal with these problems or not?
Marcus: Deal with it yourself.
Aidan: Right. 

[Aidan leaves slamming the door behind him. The wall wobbles, a
 plant falls off the  filing cabinet]

Michelle: So, where were we.
Marcus: Sexist jokes and 1970's humour in general.
Michelle: Well that could place us at any point during the season!
Marcus: We were discussing big ones.
Michelle: Big what's?
Marcus: Shoulder pads.
Michelle: Oh yes.
Marcus: Do you ever get the feeling that the writers are padding the
        episode out.
Michelle: I don't know. Perhaps if I make a pointless phone call to 
          waste some time?
Marcus: We could point out that it might be a good idea for the viewers
        to vote in the survey.
Michelle [turns to camera]: Indeed, the viewers could influence the next
         season of Bates!

Michelle: Remember to vote!
Marcus: Anyway, we may have a bigger threat than Trina.
Michelle: How come?
Marcus: The television company may not get their franchise renewed
        at the end of the year.
Michelle: In that case, Bates could be axed!

[The camera zooms in jerkily on Michelle's face]


[In the restaurant]

Chuck: I don't care what it is, get it out of the restaurant.
Dave: We're not maintenance. We're security.
DM: We don't deal with vending machines.
Chuck: I just don't want it here. Move it!
Dave: Sorry, union rules clearly state that security staff will not move
      coffee vending machines between the hours of 9am and 5pm.
DM: Why don't you leave the machine here?
Chuck: What?
DM: Leave it here. It's hardly as if it's going to start chasing after the guests
    is it?
Chuck: Oh very well.
Dave: Good.
Chuck: But I want you here at five minutes past five this afternoon.
Dave: Why?
Chuck: Because you are on late shift and your union rules say nothing
       about moving vending machines after 5PM.
Dave: Bum!
Chuck: Oh, while you are here, keep an eye out for electricity usage.
Dave: Do what?
Chuck: Well somebody in the Motel has been using absurd amounts of electricity.
Dave [looking shifty]: Oh?
Chuck: Yes, and Marcus hasn't seen the bill yet. I wouldn't like to be around when
       he see's it either.
Dave: Well it wasn't us using the electricity.
DM: Er, that's right. We don't even know what electricity is!
Chuck: But isn't all the security equipment powered by electricity?
Dave: Er.... no. We don't have any security equipment because we don't have
      electricity because we don't know what electricity is.
Chuck: Well keep an eye out for electricity usage!

[The picture cuts to security which is brimming full of electronic
 equipment of all descriptions. One corner of the room is stacked high
 with video recorders which are copying videos of all descriptions. 
 Meanwhile inside the Global Hotels Yacht, Trina enters Dai's office.
 Voices can be heard from the other side of the room in the darkness]

Dai: What have you got then?
Voice: Five Kings.
Dai [pause]: Damn! You always win!

[Trina coughs. Dai turns around]

Dai: I'm so glad you could join us Trina, the final phase of my plans is about
     fall into place.
Trina: Us ?
Dai: With my massive cash reserves I can buy up all the Bates stock, as soon
     as Alden floats it. 
Trina: That wouldn't be Alden. That would be Marcus.

[The camera pulls back.

Dai [looking annoyed]: Look love, I can read my script. It says.... Marcus.
Trina: Start again. They can edit it out.
Dai: With my massive cash reserves I can buy up all the Bates stock, as soon
     as Marcus floats it. When I control Bates, I can eliminate Marcus and
     steal Alden's mind control device.  With that I can take supreme control.
     With my money I can buy Bates, keep Global, and pick up a bankrupt
     Fairlawns. I will control all the sources of high quality board
     and lodgings in the West Midlands, nobody will stand in my way.
Trina: A fiendish plan, Alden doesn't suspect a thing, the fool. We're steering
       him towards his own ultimate destruction! And we'll also grab the Bates
       Motel as well.
Dai: Bwa-ha-ha-ha. With Alden isolated at Fairlawns he will loose all his assets.
Trina: And Marcus?
Dai: With Marcus now at control at Bates, he'll stand to loose everything!

[Both laugh as theme tune fades in]

Marcus Durham
David Lewis
Aidan Folkes

BACK TO THE MAIN BATESINDEX

THE BATES MOTEL CHARACTER GUIDE

THE BATES MOTEL VAULT