THE BATES MOTEL CHARACTER GUIDE

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[It's early morning in reception. Chuck is talking to the receptionist.
 Suddenly a yellow swirley thing appears in the middle of reception]

[Theme tune plays and fades out]

[Alison hurries across reception only stopping to direct some guests]

Alison: Oh, excuse Me?
Chuck: I've got a bit of a problem in the kitchen.
Alison: Never mind that. Are you turning into a magician in your old age
        or what?
Chuck: What do you mean.
Alison: I mean that yellow swirley thing behind you.

[Chuck turns around and is taken aback.


Chuck: What is it?
Alison: That'w what I'm asking you.
Chuck: Well don't go near it.


[Meanwhile Marcus is standing at the roadside outside of the village. He looks at
 his watch. A red sports car pulls up. Michelle and Stephen get out]

Michelle: You got the contracts?
Marcus: No.
Michelle: Why not?
Marcus: I don't wish to exchange contracts here. I'll meet you at the bank
        in town at 1PM.
Michelle: I don't want any more delays. I've already outlaid a significant amount
          of money on the survey.
Marcus: Don't worry about it.
Michelle: But if the deal isn't signed by 1.30PM today then I loose all that money.
Marcus: Don't worry. I won't leave you standing.

[Back in reception at Bates, the yellow swirley thing is circling]

Chuck: Well I certainly don't know what it is. Are you sure it's not a video 
       fault?
Alison: No. That's the excuse we use when we slam the doors and the walls 
        wobble.
Chuck: It could be an on-screen logo. They seem to be trendy these days.
Alison: No, it's not distracting enough.

[The Raston Warrior Robot suddenly appears, looks around, and disappears again]

Chuck: Ah yes, that reminds me. I'd better speak to Dave.

[Meanwhile Aidan enters the Bates kitchens]

Pete: What are you doing here?
Aidan: I've come to ask you about the script for the next scene.
Pete: Eh?
Aidan: Well I could swear the typists got muddled up. It doesn't look like
       a Bates scene to me.
Pete: Just act your way through it. Nobody will notice

[pause. A light begins to flash]

Pete: Oh, I think we're on.

[Pete and Aidan begin to act]

Aidan: Well Ma, I could do with a brew after getting all those sheep in.
Pete: Er yes Joe my lad. Did you remember to use the sheep dip?

[Suki walks in wearing a beard]

Pete: Ah, shall we all go down the Woolpack for a drink?
Suki: Nay nay Mr Pete!

[Pete sits down in despair]

Pete: I can't do this, this is a script for our sister soap, Emmerdalek Farm!
Aidan: I told you. The typists got muddled up! They must have the script for
       our scene!

[A sheep runs in front of the camera]

Aidan: They are even getting the cast mixed up!

[Frazer Hines passes in front of the camera driving a tractor]

Aidan [shouting off set]: Any more coming though?

[In security]

Dave: We've got to find that robot before it finds Marcus!
Chuck: Look, it's been twelve hours now. Nothings going to happen.
Dave: It's can't get Marcus until it knows who he is. It will be trying to
      fill it's data banks.
Chuck: Well, we could always point it in the right direction.
Dave: What do you mean?
Chuck: Eliminate Marcus and I would be in charge.
Dave: Why?
Chuck: I'm temporary acting emergency reserve under-manager of this
       establishment.
Dave: Well I'll get DM to help us.
Chuck: You can't.
Dave: Why?
Chuck: Because he's not in this episode.
Dave: Oh.
Chuck: So what shall we do?
Dave: Well after long consideration I've come to the conclusion..
Chuck: Yes...yes.
Dave: That we should do nothing.
Chuck: Sounds good to me. What about this swirley thing in reception.
Dave: I'll take a short tea break then I'll go and take a look.
Chuck: So I'll see you in reception in two hours time.
Dave: That's a bit short! Better make it three.

[It's 1PM. Michelle enters the main office at the bank.]

Michelle: Is Mr Durham here?
Bank Official: No. If you'd walk this way I'll show you an office where
               you can wait.

[Michelle looks at her watch]

Michelle: He'd better get a move on. If that contract isn't signed in half
          an hour then I'm in serious financial trouble.

[Michelle pulls out a keyring in the shape of an oilrig and starts to fiddle
 with it nervously. Back at Bates, in the main office Suki and Alison are
 looking through a large photo album]

Suki: So who's that?
Alison: That's Amy Handbag. She worked here years ago. And that's our old chef
        Angus standing next to her.
Suki: Isn't that Alden there?
Alison: Yes, those were the days before he had to order bulk quantities of 
        industrial strength hair dye and fake suntan lotion.

[Marcus walks in followed by Chuck]

Marcus: I've found out what that yellow swirley thing is. It's an out of work
        special effect.
Suki: So?
Marcus: Don't you realise, that special effect is eating into our budget!
        Everytime it appears on screen the less money the producer has
        to spend on this episode.
Chuck: Didn't you say that you were supposed to be at the bank at 1PM?
Marcus: Oh dear, how sad. Michelle will lose all that money [Marcus laughs].
        Speaking of which, Trina is due here any minute to discuss the floatation
        of the Motel.
Chuck: You're going to float the Motel? But I can't swim!
Marcus: Float on the stockmarket.
Chuck: Oh..... But I still can't swim.

[There's a knock on the door]

Marcus: That will be Trina. Chuck and Alison, go about your duties.

[Chuck and Alison leave. Trina enters]

Marcus: Sit down.

[Trina sits]

Trina [putting some documents on the desk]: Everything is in hand.
Marcus: You have all the documents?
Trina: Yes. All you need to do is sign and this time next week you will
       be paper millionaires.
Marcus [rubs hands]: Oh goody.
Suki: So, what's happening?
Trina: Well you are going to sell off 60% of the Motel.
Suki: But that could mean somebody else could get control of the Motel.
Trina: Nonsense. Who has the need, or a grudge big enough to buy up that amount
       of shares.
Marcus: Indeed.

[Marcus and Suki sign the documents]

Trina: You won't regret this.

[At Fairlawns Stephen is standing at the quayside. A large yacht comes into view]

Stephen: Right on time, the Global Hotels booking. I wonder what they could want
         in a sleepy little place like Kings Oak?

[At the bank Michelle is still waiting. The clock on the wall strikes 1.30. 
 Michelle strikes her hand down on the desk.]

Michelle: Damn! Damn Marcus!

[Out at the seafort Alden is hatching his plans. He is standing over a map
 of the Isle of Wight]

Alden: Right, all I need to do is conquer it and then turn it into
       my Island of Love.

[Alden presses a button and a spiral staircase rises out of the floor. Alden
 climbs up it and emerges at the top of the seafort. Alden walks over
 to a massive gun with what looks like a satellite dish stuck on the end.
 The Amstrad logo has been hastily painted over]

Alden: All I have to do is point this towards the island, and all the inhabitants
       will fall under my control. [Alden laughs madly]

[Alden swings the gun around and flicks a switch. A wobbly noise starts and
 the picture begins to turn green]

Alden: Nothing in the world can stop me now!


[Back at Bates Dave walks into reception. Chuck is already there. Dave starts
 examining the special effect]

Dave: So what do we have here then.... Well, it's certainly swirley. And the 
      yellow theme is strong. Yes, I can confidently say that it's a yellow 
      swirley thing.
Chuck: What should we do?
Dave: My Uncle Henry was in the trenches during the war. He used to say something
      that I find an invaluable to this day.
Chuck: What did he say?
Dave: Arrgghhh! Bloody hell! Germans! Thousands of them! Arrgghhh!!!!
Chuck: That doesn't really help.
Dave: Yes, he had tears in his eyes when he said that.
Chuck: He was crying because he was upset?
Dave: No quite the reverse.
Chuck: What, he sucked water in through his eyes?
Dave: No. What I mean was..
Chuck [interrupting]: Look you are security, it's your job to look
                      after the security of the Motel and it's employees.
Dave: There's nothing in my contract about special effects.
Chuck: There's nothing in your contract about you and Miss Alison in the
       cleaning cupboard.
Dave [loosing hassled]: Er, it was a meeting! Yes, about security and how it
                        effects reception!
Chuck: Well deal with that special effect and we'll say no more.

[Davros trundles across reception followed by a Dalek wearing a sun hat and
 carrying a bucket and spade]

Chuck: Off to the beach sir?
Davros: Yes, it's such a nice day we thought we would go to the beach.
Dalek: SUNBATHE! SUNBATHE!
Davros [to Dalek]: Follow me.
Dalek: SEEK, LOCATE, SUNBATHE!


[Meanwhile Michelle pulls into the carpark at Fairlawns almost running
 over Stephen]

Stephen: Hey watch out!
Michelle: Oh shut up!

[Michelle looks down at the keyring in her hand. She hurls it into the 
 sea.]

Stephen: What was the point of that?
Michelle: SHUT UP!
Stephen: Well chucking your car keys into the quayside is rather a stupid..
Michelle: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
Stephen: So what you are saying is that I should shut up?

[Michelle storms off]

Stephen: Was it something I said?

[Trina's car pulls up. She get's out]

Trina: I have an appointment with the Managing Director of Global Hotels. Where
       can I find him?
Stephen: Down there. The boats called "The Spirit of Wales". You can't miss it.

[Michelle enters her office and walks straight over to a computer. She types at the
 keyboard. A screen displays with Bank Balance in large letters at the top]

Michelle: Damn. No money. If only that oil deal had gone through. I wonder if
          I can get some more money from the Brigadier. It's my last hope.

[Michelle picks up the phone and dials]

Michelle: Hello Brigadier. Yes, I was wondering if you'd like to invest 
          some more money in Fairlawns...... What do you mean it's an
          unviable business prospect? You've invested your money elsewhere?
          You believe that there are communist bases all along the South 
          coast?...... No they are not communist bases, they're Butlins!

[Michelle slams the phone down. Back at Bates in reception the staff are gathered]

Dave: Where's it gone.
Chuck: It's over there. If we keep it off-camera then it won't cost any
       money.

[The yellow swirley thing moves into the background]

Chuck: Oh no! We're almost out of money for this episode. Get rid of it quick, 
        before we...

[The screen goes black. Theme tune fades in]

Marcus Durham
David Lewis
Aidan Folkes

Henry Potts 

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