THE BATES MOTEL CHARACTER GUIDE

THE BATES MOTEL VAULT

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[Alden bursts in.]

Alden: I've got it! I'm going to start a colony of love on the Isle of Wight!

[Theme tune plays and fades out]

Michelle: Have you gone mad?
Alden: No my dear, quite the reverse.
Michelle: And your duties here?
Alden: We'll come to an.... arrangement.
Michelle: Oh, just go away and smarten yourself up.

[Back at Bates, a guest has locked himself out of his room. Dave and David are on
 the case]

Dave: Look, I can't keep on calling you David. It's confusing people.
David: Call me DM then.
Dave: Fine. Right, here we are.
DM: Leave this to Me!
Dave: Are you sure? I mean, you do know what you're doing.

[The guest approaches]

Guest: You have the master key?
Dave: No. But don't worry, we're professionals.

[DM appears to light a fuse]

DM: I suggest you all stand back.

[Suddenly there is a massive explosion. Where there was previously a door there
 is now a massive hole in the wall]

Dave: You're only supposed to blow the bloody door off!
DM: Well the doors open. I'll call maintenance to fix it.

[Dave groans. In the office Marcus is working. There is a knock on the door]

Marcus: Enter.

[Pete enters]

Marcus: What are you doing out of the kitchen?
Pete: Och, well you see I've been sacked.
Marcus: By whom?
Pete: Well laddie, it was Mr Chuck.
Marcus: Was it indeed? Well tell him that I want to see him.

[Pete leaves. Marcus picks up the phone]

Marcus: Alison, could you come to the office please.

[Marcus puts the phone down. Chuck enters followed by Alison]

Marcus: Why did you sack Pete?
Chuck: I was in charge, it was my judgement.
Marcus: You didn't answer the question.
Chuck: I made a judgement.
Marcus: I see only one option. Alison, fetch the mind probe!
Chuck: No! No! Not the mind probe!


[The following day at the railway station a train pulls into the platform.
 The doors open and Sylvester McCoy alights. The doors close and the
 train leaves. Switch to a view along the platform. Hastily made signs
 saying King's Oak have been stuck on the station name boards]

McCoy:	Where are they? They were supposed to meet me at the station. 
	Bunch of cheap skates, not even firrrst class travel.

[He takes his mobile phone from his satchel and dials a number, 
strangely we can hear the other end]

Phone:	Brrrr Brrrr Brrrr Brrrr
McCoy:	Come on! Come on!
Phone:	Click. Welcome To Fairlawns Motel...
McCoy:	Finally! Where...
Phone:	...I'm afraid that nobody can answer your call at the moment 
	since we are busy preparing for our opening. Please leave a 
	message after the tone, and we might think about getting back 
	to you. BEEEEEEP
McCoy:	Look, It's me, Sylvester McCoy, I'm at the station, I was 
	supposed to be picked up. If I'm not picked up by the time the 
	next train to London comes, I'm going home. Goodbye!

[He switches the phone off and begins to pace up and down the station. 
Meanwhile at Bates, in a secret room strange things are afoot]

Computer Voice:	Hologram startup sequence initiating... System will go 
		online in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

[A vortex of light is created in the middle of the room as molecules 
are broken down and rearranged]

Computer: Stage one: Molecular Re-Integration...

[A shape begins to form in the vortex. It is Aidan.]

Computer: Stage two: Updating memory files... Stage three: Uploading 
	  memory files... Stage four: initiating artificial 
	  intelligence system...

[The vortex of light dies down and Aidan comes to life and leaves the 
 room. In reception at Bates Marcus is talking to Chuck. Chucks face
 looks blank]

Marcus: Right, I'm leaving you in charge. Don't go sacking any staff.

[Chuck nods mindlessly]

Marcus: We should use the Mind Probe on you more often.

[Chuck whimpers]

Marcus: OK, well I'm off to Fairlawns then.

[Marcus walks out. Meanwhile back at the station a car is pulling up 
outside. Stephen gets out and hurries onto the platform.]

Stephen: Are you Sylvester McCoy?
McCoy:	Of course I am, I am the rrrrreal McCoy!
Stephen: I've been sent to collect you. Sorry I'm late, the car broke 
	down.
McCoy: Not a very good start. Ummm... by the way, if this is set in the 
	Midlands, why did I just get off a South West Trains Train.
Stephen: Because we film in the Solent area.
McCoy: Oh!

[Stephen leads McCoy to the car, which is in a bit of a state. They get 
 in and drive off towards Fairlawns. Back at Bates in the office]

Suki: So they used the Mind Probe on you?

[Chuck nods blankly]

Suki: You're in no state to be running this place. You go off and have a rest,
      I'll take over. Go to the restaurant. I'll order you a meal.

[She pushes Chuck out of the office. He is still nodding. Suki walks back over
 to the desk.]

Suki: Now, what needs doing.

[Alison knocks and enters]

Alison: I'm off to Fairlawns for the opening. You coming?
Suki: No. I'll have to stay here. Marcus left Chuck in charge. But he's not up 
      to it.


[In the kitchens Pete is preparing the meal for Chuck]

Pete: I'll teach him to try and sack me.

[Pete pulls out a big bag with Rat Poison written on the side. He sprinkles it
 over Chucks meal]

Pete: Ahaha! Ahahaha!


[At Fairlawns the sun is out and it's a beautiful day. On the quayside Michelle
 is setting out chairs. Marcus approaches]

Marcus: About the oil.
Michelle: What!? Can't you see I'm trying to open a hotel here. Clear 
          off. If you don't shut up oil swing for you!
Marcus: Oh! OK.

[Stephen's car pulls up and McCoy get out. Sylvester surveys the area realises
 that this might not be a good idea and starts to back away]

McCoy: Ummm. Actually I've just realised I've got a funeral to go to.
Stephen: Oh! I'm afraid they've taken the railway tracks in.
McCoy: They've what?!
Stephen: They want to give them a nice spring clean.
McCoy: Oh no.

[Michelle approaches]

Michelle: Ah! Mr McCoy, welcome to Fairlawns. We've put you in the 
          special guest suite.
McCoy: But I'm not staying, I'm going back to London.
Stephen: I'm afraid not, the railway tracks won't go back out till morning.
Michelle: If you'll follow Me...
Marcus: Hey! Aren't you Sylvester McCoy of the telly.
McCoy: Yes. I suppose you want an autograph.
Marcus: No, I prefer Coronation Street myself.

[A boom microphone swings down and smashes Marcus on the head. Back at Bates
 in the restaurant an anonymous extra serves Chuck with his meal. Chuck begins
 to eat it. Suki enters followed by Aidan]

Aidan: So where is everybody?
Suki: At the Fairlawns opening. More to the point where have you been for the
      last three months.
Aidan: Er, I've been here. I just haven't been seen.

[In the background Chuck turns a horrible shade of green and falls off his
 chair]

Aidan: Anyway, I'd better get off to the Fairlawns opening.
Suki: You as well?
Aidan: Well everybody else is there.

[At Fairlawns a crowd has assembled]

McCoy: I formally open the....er... [pulls script out of pocket] Fairlawns 
       Marrrrrina complex.

[McCoy cuts a ribbon, there is a ripple of applause. Suddenly Father Rob
 bursts through the crowd]

Father Rob: DRINK!
McCoy: Well if you are offering.
Father Rob: DRINK!

[Soldeed approaches]

Soldeed: Father Rob! Father Rob! Are you there?
Father Rob: Drink!

[Father Rob spots a guest holding a glass, runs over snatches the glass and pushes
 the guest into the sea. He takes a drink from the glass]

Father Rob: ARRGGHHH WATER!

[Father Rob runs off clutching his throat. Meanwhile Dave is talking to
 Alison]

Dave: I wouldn't mind working here.
Alison: Proper facilities. Nice surroundings. Although I wouldn't want to be
        under Alden again.
Dave: What do you mean.
Alison: I don't want to work for Alden.
Dave: Oh!
Alison: I would have thought Alden would be here.

[Stephen walks past. Alison catches his attention]

Alison: You seen Alden?
Stephen: He was here this morning.
Alison: I would have though he would be here.
Stephen: Nah, he doesn't take much on an interest. He spends most of his time
         out in that old seafort.
Dave: Really.

[Meanwhile Alden is back at the mysterious seafort where he is plotting]

Alden: I'll need an assistant. [Alden yawns] Gosh those tablets are making me
       feel tired. Time to head back to the main-land I guess.

[Alden walks out of the room and out of the seafort. He jumps onto his speedboat]

Alden: I really do feel tired.

[Alden speeds off. Back at the Fairlawns party a TV crew has arrived. They are
 interviewing Stephen and Michelle. An ambulance can be heard speeding past.]

Michelle: Yes, it was all my vision.

[Marcus pops his head up from behind Michelle and Stephen]

Marcus: Or you could come and stay at the Bates Motel, the Midlands premiere 
        source of quality board and lodgings.
Presenter: CUT!
Michelle: You idiot, you ruined that! Go away!
Marcus: Hmm, well, where's your special guest gone? I heard he ran off
        because Mr Soldeed tried to zap him with his staff. Something
        about his dreams of conquest.
Michelle: Oh no!

[Michelle runs off.]

Marcus: Come on then, interview Me! We've got special rates at the Bates Motel
        until the end of the month AND we've got a Des Lynham look-a-like
        visiting next week.

[Marcus's phone rings]

Marcus: Excuse me. 

[Alison and Dave walks over. Meanwhile a look of horror takes over Marcus's face]

Alison: What is it?
Marcus: It's Chuck. He's....dead!

[Out at sea Alden is speeding towards Fairlawns]

Alden: If I hurry I might not miss the opening party. I'm really tired.

[Alden sits down. He begins to drift off to sleep. Suddenly he slumps forward
 onto the boats controls pushing the throttle to maximum]

[Back at the quayside]

Marcus: We'll have to go back to Bates.

[Alison turns around]

Alison: Isn't that speedboat going a little fast.
Marcus: Yes. And isn't that Alden onboard?
Alison: He isn't slowing down. He's heading straight for us! We'd better run!
Marcus: No! Leave it 10 seconds so we can preserve the suspense!

[Pause for 10 seconds. Alden speeds towards the assembled crowd. Alison
 screams out]

Alison: Alden's heading straight for us! Run!
Marcus: My God, he's asleep. The boats out of control!

[The party guests begin to panic as the speedboat approaches. Michelle looks on
 in horror]

Michelle: He's going to collide with the quayside. Run for it!




[The boat veers to the side, misses the party and mounts a launch. People
 scream and  the boat comes to a sudden halt as it runs aground. Alden is
 thrown out of the boat, and as he hit's the ground blood streams from
 his mouth]

[Theme tune fades in]

And Introducing:
Michelle Nire
David McIntee

Marcus Durham
David Lewis
Aidan Folkes

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THE BATES MOTEL CHARACTER GUIDE

THE BATES MOTEL VAULT