THE BATES MOTEL CHARACTER GUIDE

THE BATES MOTEL VAULT

BACK TO THE MAIN BATESINDEX

[Out on the Ocean, Michelle and Stephen are in trouble. A mist has begun 
to form around their boat]

Stephen: We'd better get out of here. A lot of shipping has 
         mysteriously disappeared around here lately.

[Meanwhile, Alden watches on from his secret control room]

Alden: Heh heh, 30 seconds more and they are history. I'll teach them to come
       poking around here.

[Theme tune fades in and out. Back on the boat Michelle and Stephen are 
trying to escape]

Stephen: Maybe we can outrun the mist.
Michelle: Use the advanced super duper motors.
Stephen: Okay, Batteries charged, Atomic Motors to speed. Activate!

[The boat storms away from the mist. It is obvious that the picture is 
just speeded up footage of a normal boat. Back in his control room, 
Alden is displeased]

Alden: Wrazin, frackin, Atomic motor. Curses foiled again.

[Alden's watch bleeps. He looks down at it]

Alden: Damn, I have to be in Bates Motel's restaurant in half an hour.

[He exits the control room onto, what is revealed to be, the seafort. 
 Cut to outside footage of Alden climbing off the seafort into a 
 speedboat and heading off for the mainland. The sun has begun to 
 descend towards the horizon and it is early evening. Back on the 
 Quayside, Michelle and Stephen's boat is just pulling up]

Stephen: Phew, A lucky escape that.
Michelle: Yes, if we hadn't had those Atomic Motors not seen before in 
          the series who knows what might have happened.

[The evening is warm and birds sing, holiday makers eat Ice Cream, and 
 a man wearing garish clothes is cooking a barbecue]

Michelle: Stephen...
Stephen: Yes.
Michelle: Why is it always summer, here in Kings Oak?
Stephen: Oh! Well, you know this is a soap opera?
Michelle: Yes, but what does that have to do with it?
Stephen: Well, all the outside work has to be done in July because we 
         have crap cameras. Oh and it gives John Nathen Turner a chance to
         wear his Hawaiian shirts and cook a barbecue for everybody.
Michelle: I'd have thought that was a reason not...

[She is interrupted by a boat pulling up further down the Quay]

Michelle: That's Alden's boat.

[Alden jumps off the boat and heads off towards Bates]

Michelle: Well, that's very suspicious, what with him being out at sea 
          and us in that mist.

[Yet another dramatic musical sting plays]

[Tina and Alison are in the office having tea. A teatray is on a table
 beside the open window]

Tina: Isn't this nice, I can't remember the last time I sat down with
      someone for a girly chat.
Alison: Yes, with all these men about I sometimes miss female company.

[As they are talking a mysterious hand sneaks in through the window and tips
 a small vial into the sugar]
Alison: Talking of men, have you seen Dai lately ?, he's been acting very
        strangely.
Tina: I can't say I've noticed, what's so unusual about his strange acting ?
Alison: No I mean he's been out of character, I'm not criticising his
        acting.  Tea ?
Tina: Yes, please, two sugars.
Alison: There you are, what was the purpose of you asking me in for
         tea ?
[Tina takes a big swig of her tea]

Tina: Nothing, I just fancied some tea and....hmmm (sob) I can't keep
      it in anymore, I'm so unhappy. Things seem to be getting me down
      lately, I find I'm crying all the time and chocolate is my only
      comfort. I'm thinking of leaving Bates, [gruffly] FOR NO APPARENT
      REASON.
Alison: But if you leave, it'll just be Marcus in charge, he will have
        Supreme Power Over All. Another cup of tea ?
Tina: Yes please, three sugars this time.
Alison: You've got a sweet tooth.
Tina: [swigs her tea]  I don't care anymore, the world is against me, and
      I only have my tea.

[Alden walks into the resturant at Bates. Chuck greets him]

Chuck: You have a table booked?
Alden: Yes. I'm meeting my wife.
Chuck: Would you walk this way?
Alden: I would, but it's been pretty difficult since the operation.

[Chuck shows Alden to the table where Suki is sitting]

Alden: My love, my darling.
Suki [under her breath]: My God.
Alden: What was that my vision of lovelyness?
Suki: What do you want?
Alden: Why would you want anything.

[Chuck walks over]

Chuck: Would you like to order?
Suki: What do you suggest.
Chuck: Well I'm told the duck is rather good.

[Suddenly much quacking and shouting can be heard coming from the kitchens]

Chuck: Er sorry, ducks off.
Alden: We'll order in a minute.
Chuck: OK.

[Chuck walks off]

Alden: Will you come and work with me at Fairlawns.
Suki: Why?
Alden: Well, er.
Suki: Well you can forget it. I'm not leaving here. And that's my final
      word on the subject.

[6am the next morning Dave enters security]

Dave: Who's left the lights on all night, and what's all this mess....
Dai: Bore dda...I mean good morning to you David, and how are you this
     fine morning ?
Dave: Been here all night have you ?
Dai: Yes, I got so engrossed in my books, I've read the lot, no pictures
     neither.
Dave: "Advanced Accountancy", "Tax Loopholes and How to get through them",
      "Zen and the Art of Macroeconomic Theorem", been a right little
       Gordon Brown, haven't we ?
Dai: Yes, I've been missing out all these years.  I'm sorry that I used
     security, but it was quiet and I needed somewhere to go, I've had the
     security system going all night, checking all the hotel.
Dave: [To himself] Hmmm, Marcus won't know it hasn't been me here all
      night, it's got to be worth a few quid in overtime. [To Dai]  You
      know Dai, if I didn't know better I'd swear you were about to the leave
      the series to go away and head up a multinational corporation !
Dai: Seen the script have you boyo ?
Dave: Speaking of which a new deputy security person will be along tommorow.
      Goes by the name of David "Dangermouse" McIntee.


[Outside the motel Chuck pulls up and enters the motel. Cut to 
 reception, Alison is at the desk]

Chuck: Any mail?
Alison: No, why would anyone write to you? Oh, by the way there's a  
        wedding reception at eleven this morning.
Chuck: It would have been nice to have a bit more warning. Who is it?
Alison [looking it up]: A... Mr and Mrs Gulliver.
Chuck: That name sounds awfully familiar. Not another recurring 
       character, I thought the cast was being cut not increased.

[Marcus enters from the restaurant]

Marcus: It is a familiar name. It's Angus Gulliver, he was once the 
        head chef here before Pete. Anyway, I've just got a note, it says
        all the staff are invited to the reception.

[Over at Fairlawns, Michelle is in the main office on the telephone]

Michelle: So you know where to put the head.
Phone: Murble, Murble.
Michelle: Good, you might have to wait a bit though. Before we can 
          drill for oil I have to acquire the land.
Phone: Murble, Murble.
Michelle: Good, Good!

[She put the phone down and we follow her gaze across to a Model of the 
 area, a model of Bates Motel is in the middle with a big oil drill 
 sticking out of it]

[Meanwhile the wedding reception has started.
 The bride and groom enter the bar. The groom appears to be dressed 
 in 1970's clothes]

Angus: I know I haven't been here since 1974, but the continuity women
       seems to be taking her job to seriously.
Nita: Stop complaining. I'm more worried about that chauffer. I
      could have sworn he was Larry Grayson.
Angus: That happens at all Bates weddings.

[Chuck walks over]

Chuck: Hello and welcome to the Bates Motel. And may I be the first to 
       congratulate you.
Angus: Thank you.
Chuck: I understand you once worked here.
Angus: Yes, they've redecorated since. Very mauve isn't it?
Chuck: Well this is 1984.

[Chuck laughs, everybody looks at him oddly. Chuck walks off. In the corner
 Suki is talking to Marcus]

Marcus: What do you mean Alden asked you to work there? You can't leave
        Bates. They'll replace you with a non-speaking extra.
Suki: Don't worry, I'm not leaving. I have no intention of working
      at Fairlawns.

[Angus calls out at Chuck]

Angus: Waiter, this wine is corked!
Chuck: Of course it's corked. Otherwise it would all fall out the bottle.
Angus: What I mean is that the cork has reacted with the wine.
Chuck: Look, I'm a wine expert. Let me have a taste.

[Chuck picks up the bottle and takes a swig]

Chuck: It's a very strong taste.
Angus: What does it taste of?
Chuck: There are many tastes in it. But I'd say the main one was.... meths.
Angus: You've taken the wrong bottle. That's what the vicar chap was
       drinking.
Chuck: Gurrhhhhh! 

[Chuck runs off clutching his throat. The kitchen door swings open. It's Pete,
 and he's holding a meat cleaver]

Pete: OK where is he? Coming back here to steal my job. I'll show him!

[In the Car Park, a shiny red Porsche is parked in the car park. Dai walks
 over to it with a really heavy suitcase.]

Dai: Ffarwel to you all, I've had some good times, but now it's on to pastures
     new. I'll miss you all, especially Miss Alison.

[He puts his things in the Porsche, gets in, starts up the car, drives
 off with a screech of tyres.]


[Back in the wedding reception, Alison is chatting with Dave. Chuck walks over]

Alison: Ah Chuck the very person. Dave just asked me if he could put
        his massive tool in my box.
Chuck: WHAT!

[Dave pulls out a giant spanner]

Dave: I can't carry it around with me all day. Alisons got a toolbox behind the
      reception desk.
Chuck: Oh, er phew! Oh yes there's a telephone call for you at reception.
Alison: Thanks. Oh, did you manage to calm Pete down?
Chuck: No, so I locked him in the office instead. 

[Alison walks over to reception]

Alison: Hello? Yes Tina, it's me. Yes. What? Hang on a moment! You can't
        just leave! You said the problem wasn't that bad.... Yes, but where
        are you going? You can't just vanish. You'll send a letter along
        in a few days? Hello..?

[Alison puts the phone down. Chuck and Marcus are nearby]

Alison: It's Tina. She's leaving
Marcus: Leaving where?
Alison: She's being written out.
Chuck: That means it's all over.
Marcus: Oh, I doubt that very much indeed.

[In the village Tina is standing outside Brownlows corner shop]

Tina: I could walk in there and end my time in this soap.

[A dark red Porsche pulls up behind Tina. It's Dai. He opens the window.]

Tina: Going somewhere?
Dai: Up and out of this soap.
Tina: Sounds familier. Can I join you?
Dai: Sure, get in.

[Tina gets into the car]

Dai: I'm leaving to start my own business. What are your plans.
Tina: I might move up North. I could start another Motel.
Dai: Thought of a name for it?
Tina: I always thought Crossroads was a nice name.

[Paul McCartney version of the theme tune fades in as the car drives off into
 the distance].

And Introducing:
Michelle Nire

Special Guest Appearence by:

Angus Gulliver
Nita Gulliver

Marcus Durham
David Lewis
Dave Stone
Aidan Folkes

BACK TO THE MAIN BATESINDEX

THE BATES MOTEL CHARACTER GUIDE

THE BATES MOTEL VAULT