THE BATES MOTEL CHARACTER GUIDE

THE BATES MOTEL VAULT

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[It is early morning in the reception of the Bates Motel. Tina is at the 
 reception desk. Alison is standing nearby The phone rings. 
 Tina answers the phone]

Tina: Good morning, Bates Motel.

[Theme tune plays and fades out]

Tina: Yes, yes, we do.... Fine, goodbye.

[Tina puts the phone down. Dai enters.]

Dai: Good morning Miss Tina. Has my Financial Times arrived yet?
Tina: You want a Financial Times?
Dai: Yes.
Tina: But you can't read.
Dai: That was yesterday, today is today. Tomorrow is another day.
Tina: Whatever [Tina hands over the paper].
Dai: Thank you.
Tina: Have you seen Chuck and Dave. Neither have turned up for work.
Dai: Nope. If anybody wants me I'll be in security working out pi to 300 million
     decimal places.
Tina: Whatever.

[In the office Marcus is getting stressed]

Marcus: Well where the hell is Chuck! He's arranging Father Rob's
        sermon for 11am!
Aidan: I'll sort it out. Father Rob's been trained to say a few key phrases.
Marcus: How does that work?
Aidan: We just quietly say "one" or "two" to him whenever he's asked a question.
       When we say "one" he'll reply "Yes", when we say "two" he'll reply "that
       will be a canon issue".
Marcus: A canon issue? I can't think of any questions that can't be answered by
        using that. Excellent. You'll be able to avoid any controversial questions.

[In the backroom of Brownlows village shop]

Chuck: We've got to get out of here.
Dave: But how?
Chuck: Well we could dig a hole. Or we could scrape away at the mortar in the
       wall, remove the bricks one by one, and then escape.
Dave: Or we could just walk out through the back door which Brownlow has
      left open.
Chuck: Nah, I prefer the hole plan.
Dave: Let's go!

[Chuck and Dave run out through the door. Back in the reception at Bates]

Alison: Well the plan is for one of the staff to do the service. Although
        with Chuck not here I don't know who's doing it.
Dai: Well my new found psychic powers tell me that it is Aidan. And he doesn't
     have the benefit of the script that Chuck prepared.
Alison: So he's making the sermon up as he goes along?
Dai: Yes.
Alison: You seem different today. And what's happened to your voice?

[Dai looks shifty]

Alison: Anyway, go and have a look. The sermon is going on at the moment.


[Dai creeps along to the conference centre. As he grows nearer he can hear
 loud ranting. He walks up to the door and listens at the keyhole]

Aidan: And then you will all burn in hell! Is that what you want? 'Cause that's
       what will happen! And you won't like hell! Hell is rather like 
       Swindon town centre on a Wednesday morning.

[Dai opens the door and looks in. Father Rob and Aidan are standing on a 
 platform addressing an almost empty room. At either side of the platform
 there are burning torches.]

Aidan: And you will burn in hell! Nobody likes men in black who go around 
       telling people what to do!
Bishop [looking nervous]: Er, but that's what the church does.
Aidan: Ah yes. Which side am I on again?

[Tina walks out of the bar, through reception and into the main office where
 Marcus is sitting. Suki is sitting at the desk]

Marcus: Good timing, the waitress just brought in the mid-morning tea.
Tina: Good, I could do with a cup.

[Tina pours herself a cup of tea]

Suki: You'd better know that I've got to meet Alden in the restaurant this 
      evening. 

[Tina spills her cup of tea]

Tina: Him? Back here? 
Marcus: There's nothing on the booking sheet.
Suki: Suki I doubt he's booked yet. Anyway it might be to our advantage.
Marcus: At least we will know where he is for the duration of the meal.

[Suki leaves the room. Tina pours herself another cup of tea]

Marcus: Still addicted to the tea?
Tina: Oddly yes, it makes me depressed but I still keep on drinking it.
Marcus: Lucky I don't touch the stuff. Oh by the way, what's that man trap
        doing in the middle of the office. Somebody could fall in that
        and hurt themselves. And speaking of man traps, we have a wedding
        reception tomorrow. Chucks supposed to be sorting it.

[There's a knock on the door]

Marcus: Come in.

[An apprehensive looking non-speaking extra walks in]

Marcus: Ah yes, you'll be here about your room. Well if you'd come over here and
        sit down I'm sure we could sort it out.

[The guest walks over, steps straight into the man trap and is fatally trapped
 in it's jaws]

Marcus: Oh no!
Tina: I should say so! The cleaners will never get the blood out of the carpet!

[Meanwhile Dave and Chuck have made their escape. They are out the back
 of Brownlows shop.]

Dave: Look, a motorbike and sidecar. We could make our escape.

[The theme tune from The Great Escape starts playing in the background]

Dave: But I can't ride a motorbike.
Chuck: Neither can I.
Dave: Well we'd better make a run for it then!

[In the office at the Fairlawns marina complex the Brigadier is about to
 sign a contract]

Michelle: Just sign here to invest.
Brigadier: Whatever my dear girl. Another addition to my business empire.
Michelle: It's only a small share in a future venture.
Brigadier: Subject to a survey of course.
Michelle: Naturally. We've got to be sure it's there before we drill.
Brigadier: Bally expensive operation...
Michelle: But one that would return a considerable profit.

[The Brigadier get's up]

Brigadier: Well if that's all my dear, I've got some peasants to shoot.
Michelle: Pheasants surely?
Brigadier: No.

[The Brigadier leaves. Alden enters, walks over to the desk, picks up the 
 phone and dials]

Alden: Hello. I'd like to make a restaurant reservation for two people. Yes,
       in the name of Bates. Yes, OK. Thanks.

[Alden puts the phone down]

Michelle: Not eating here?
Alden: No, I've got a meeting with my wife.
Michelle: A meeting? You make it sound like business.
Alden: I'll be eating at Bates.
Michelle: At Bates!!?!?
Alden: I have my reasons. And reasons that could be to our considerable
       advantage.

[Michelle stands up]

Michelle: Now if you'll excuse Me I've got some urgent business to attend to.

[Michelle walks out of the office and into the corridor. Stephen is walking
 towards her. She stops him]

Michelle: What do you know of that old sea-fort that Alden lives in?
Stephen: It's a fort, it's in the sea.... Oh and I think Alden lives 
         in it.
Michelle: Well meet me at the quayside in ten minutes. I intend to find out
          more about our Mr Bates.

[In the bar at Bates]

Bishop: So Father Rob, do you think that Skaro has really been destroyed?
Father Rob: [pause] YE...
Aidan: TWO!!!
Father Rob: THAT..WOULD..BE..A...CANON....ISSUE!
Bishop: And what about women in the church?
Father Rob: YES!!!
Bishop: Indeed, an open minded attitude is the way to go!
Father Rob: GIRLS!
Bishop: Yes, we should welcome them with open arms.
Aidan: So, what does everybody want to drink?
Father Rob: DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!
Bishop: It's nice to see Father Rob has so much enthusiasm.

[The barmaid starts serving the drinks]

Father Rob: DRINK!!!!

[Father Rob vaults the bar, punches the barmaid and grabs a bottle of vodka
 he the runs off out of the bar and into reception]

Father Rob: DRINK!

[He looks around and the runs out of the main door]

Tina: What's up with him?

[Davros enters followed by a Dalek]

Davros: Ah, Miss Tina. I've been meaning to speak to you.
Tina: Yes?
Davros: It has become apparent that the laboratory equipment that the Motel
        is providing is not adequate for my research. I need more advanced
        equipment. I have already experienced problems.
Dalek: IT IS AN INSULT TO THE DALEK RACE!
Davros: Be silent! I am trying to speak!
Dalek: DAVROS HAS DEMANDED THAT YOU BE SILENT!
Davros: Not her, I want you to be silent.
Dalek: DAVROS HAS DEMANDED THAT I BE SILENT..... I AM BEING SILENT
Tina: You have the best that the Motel can offer.
Dalek: I AM STILL BEING SILENT!
Davros: I told you to shut it!
Dalek: YOU WON'T HEAR A PEEP OUT OF ME GUV!!
Davros: SHUT UP!
Dalek: MY OLD MAN'S A DUSTMAN, HE WEARS A DUSTMANS..
Davros: See what happens when I don't have the facilities? A new
        race of Daleks that are totally bonkers!
Tina: How come?
Davros: It's a new Dalek that accumulates knowledge from it's surroundings.
        It also adjusts it's personality to suit it's surroundings.
Tina: That might explain why it's bonkers.

[Father Rob runs back in. The vodka bottle is empty]

Father Rob: DRINK! GIRLS! CANON!

[The Dalek trundles over to Father Rob]

Father Rob: DRINK!
Dalek: DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!
Davros: Back to the drawing board. I shall build a new race of Daleks! And
        this time they won't be bonkers or inherently crap.
Tina: I'll believe it when I see it.

[Davros trundles off muttering to himself. Dave and Chuck run in through the
 main doors.]

Tina: And where the hell have you been?
Chuck: Brownlows up to his old tricks. He abducted us. I think he's plotting
       something with Alden.
Tina: Well get back to work. We'll sort that business out later. If I can be 
      bothered.
Chuck: What do you mean, bothered? I would have thought that you would have been
       the first person to want to settle the score.
Tina: I meant precisely what I said. And if you dare question me again you'll be
      down the job centre on Monday morning!

[Michelle and Stephen are on-board a speedboat and are heading towards the mysterious
 sea-fort that Alden lives on]

Michelle: Got the binoculars?

[Stephen hands them over]

Stephen: Can you see anything?
Michelle: Nothing out of the ordinary. Take us in closer.
Stephen: OK.
Michelle: Hang on, what's that?
Stephen: Nothing. You're getting paranoid.
Michelle: Can you blame me? I'm running a business and I need Aldens money. However
          what I don't need is Alden.
Stephen: So why don't you remove him from his position.
Michelle: I will, given time and the Brigadiers investment in another project.
          Two birds with one stone, Alden gone and the opposition eliminated.

[A mist begins to form around the boat]

Stephen: We'd better get out of here. A lot of shipping has mysteriously disappeared
         around here lately.

[Cut to a darkened room filled to the roof with electronic equipment. Alden is
 sitting in the middle of the room at a desk. On the wall in front of Alden is a screen
 with Michelle and Stephen on it. The mist can be seen encroaching on the boat]

Alden: Heh heh, 30 seconds more and they are history. I'll teach them to come
       poking around here.

[Theme tune fades in]

And Introducing:
Michelle Nire

Marcus Durham
David Lewis
Dave Stone
Aidan Folkes

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THE BATES MOTEL CHARACTER GUIDE

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