THE BATES MOTEL CHARACTER GUIDE

THE BATES MOTEL VAULT

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[Alden and the Sea Devils run towards the Motel. In reception]

Dave: Countdown at T minus 10...9...8...7...6
Alison: We have ignition....
Dai: Oh no boyo, we're all doomed. We're all going to Dai... I mean die!
Dave: 3...2...1..... Bates Motel has lift-off!

[Theme Tune plays and fades out]

Marcus: Right, land immediately.
Alison: Yes. One small point. How do we steer this thing?
Marcus: Just press that button there. It's the automatic landing. Now I'm sure
        that even you can cope with than. If anybody wants me, I'll be in the
        office.

[Marcus walks off]

Dave: Oh, bloomin marvellous. Well never mind, let's land this baby.

[In the kitchens]

Chuck: What's this?
Pete: It's my pet hamster.
Chuck: It's a rat!
Pete: No laddie, it's a hamster.
Chuck: Hamsters are small and cuddly. Cuddle that and you'll never cook
       again!
Pete: Och, don't be silly.

[Suddenly there is a large thud. The Motel has landed]

Chuck: I can't deal with this now. Get rid of it!

[Chuck hurries out of the kitchens and into reception]

Dave: We've landed.
Chuck: About time as well. The restaurant is due to open in an hour!
Dave: There's one small snag.
Chuck: What?
Dave: I don't think we've landed in the right place.
Chuck: What do you mean, the right place?
Dave: Well look at it this way, we're not in the Motel grounds!
Chuck: Alison, come with me. We're going to find out where we are.

[Chuck and Alison walk out of the main doors]

Dave: I'd better tell Marcus.


[Now back at his office at Fairlawns, Alden is sitting at his desk with 
 his head in his hands. His clothes are a lovely shade of black after 
 being toasted]

Alden: My dreams of conquest ruined. If it hadn't been for that 
       meddling Marcus I'd have got away with it.

[An angry knock at the door heralds Michelle]

Michelle: What the hell have you been doing?
Alden: Erm...
Michelle: Whatever it was it doesn't look like work.
Alden: Well...
Michelle: I don't know why I bothered rescuing you from Bates. I 
          certainly didn't intend for you to waste money employing
          a load of out of work actors to dress up in silly costumes
          and get themselves blown up. If you don't...


[At this point Alden is cowering behind his chair. Suddenly the door 
 bursts open and Stephen makes a dramatic entrance ruined only by the 
 fact that the door knob falls off]

Alden [getting up]: Ah! Found it, my lucky pen. Uh! Yes, Steph...
Michelle: Don't you knock before entering a room?
Stephen: Er! There's something going on outside. A load of charred 
         green things have just jumped into the sea.
Alden [exiting]: Sorry, must dash!


[Back in the Bates Motel grounds. Tina's car pulls into the drive]

Tina: There's something not quite right here......... Nah, that's silly.
      A motel cannot just vanish.

[Meanwhile Alison and Chuck are investigating the strange location where the
 Motel has landed]

Alison: Worked out where we are yet?
Chuck: Well according to my calculations we're in New Zealand.
Alison: Are you sure? It doesn't look like New Zealand. Perhaps you should
        reverse those co-ordinates you have there?
Chuck: Oh, er well that puts us about a mile outside of Kings Oak.
Alison: Let's get back to the Motel. Hopefully we can rectify the matter
        before Tina notices.


[10 minutes later back at Bates, the Motel is in flight (again)]

Dave: We'd better get the landing right this time.
Alison: Touchdown in 5 seconds.


[Two hours later in the main office at Bates]

Tina: Look, I tell you the Motel wasn't here. I went to fetch the police and
      when I came back the Motel was here. You do realise that they nearly
      charged me with wasting police time!
Marcus: Your eyesight must be playing you up. It must be all that tea you are
        drinking.
Tina: Yes, it is strangely addictive. But I always feel depressed after drinking
      it.
Marcus: Then stop drinking it.
Tina: Do you think that would work?

[The phone rings. Tina answers it.]

Tina: There's a phone call for you on the line. It's Alden.
Marcus: Tell him I'm not here. Tell him I'm dead. Tell him that I've been
        cremated.
Tina [into the phone]: He says he's not here. What do you mean, he should
     expect revenge? What do you mean, the bowls club dinner will come back
     to haunt us? Hello?

[Tina puts the phone down]

Tina: He gets worse.
Marcus: Oh well, never mind. I've got a table reserved in the restaurant, so
        if you'll excuse me.
Tina: Before you go, is everything ready for Father Rob's sermon tomorrow?
Marcus: Yes, everything's in hand.

[Marcus walks out of the office, through reception and into the restaurant]

Chuck: Good evening Sir, you have a table reserved?
Marcus: Shut up you simpering idiot, it's a management reservation.
Chuck: Very good sir. Would you walk this way?
Marcus: Only if I was in pain. Just show me to the table.

[Chuck shows Marcus to the table and then exits to the kitchen]

Chuck: You got rid of that rat yet?
Pete: I told you laddie, it's not a rat. It's a hamster.
Chuck: No it's not. It shouldn't be in here in anycase.
Pete: It's a rare Siberian hamster.
Chuck: Oh, I've had enough of this. I'm going outside to get some fresh
       air.

[Chuck walks out of the kitchen door and out into the carpark]

Chuck: Ah, what a pleasant night it is.

[A black van pulls into the carpark at a considerable speed. It comes
 to a screeching halt before Chuck even has time to absorb the situation.
 A black figure jumps out of the van and whacks Chuck over the head. Within
 seconds the black figure has bundled Chuck into the back of the van. The
 van then drives off at speed]

[Time passes. Dave is in reception checking the windows and doors are
 secure before leaving for the night]

Dave: Oh bugger! Left the keys to the main doors in security.

[He makes to head for security but trips over the bump in the carpet]

Dave: What the bloody hell was that! Oh, sod it! I'm going home.

[He leaves through the main doors. The carpark at night, it is pretty 
obvious that the last scene was in a studio and this is outdoors. There 
is very loud background sound of Owls hooting and crickets cricketing]

Crickets: Howzat. L.b.w.. He's out I tell you.
Director [oov]: Somebody sort the sound out and turn the volume down.

[The sound abates]

Dave: I'm looking forward to a nice Pot Noodle and then 
      watching Triangle.

[He gets into his car and drives off. Dave is driving his car except 
 all that can be seen out of the window is yellow since somebody forgot 
 to CSO the scenery on]

Dave: I wonder what's on the radio.

[He switches it on and a very Hitchcockian orchestral piece is building 
 to a climax. Suddenly the engine splutters and dies]

Dave: Oh, flibbet!

[He tries to start the engine with no success. Then he checks the 
 gauges, he notices that the fuel gauge reads empty]

Dave: No fuel! I filled it up this morning, something is seriously 
      wrong here. There aren't any garages out here, I'm going to have to 
      walk back to Bates.

[He gets out of the car. The car has stopped in a dark country lane 
 shadowed by tall sinister trees. The sound effects are slightly louder 
 again]

Dave: I don't like this, it's very spooky. Just the sort of conditions 
      for bumping off spare members of the cast, if the Nuclear bombs, Sea 
      Devils and Daleks don't get them first that is.

[A black van appears out of the dark and breaks sharply to a halt in 
 front of Dave]

Dave: What the...

[A figure in black jumps out of the van, runs over to Dave, throws him 
 in the back of the van and drives off]

Man in Black [dubbed over]: Mwhhaaa Haaaa Haaaaa Haaaaa.

[Back at Bates, Dai has just entered reception]

Dai: Nobody has locked the door. I mean anybody could get in and 
     steal..., what am I talking about, there's nothing to steal here.

[He spots the bump in the carpet and heads for it]

Dai: I don't know. They say do this, do that, rescue Marcus, get rid of 
     that bump in the carpet in reception...

[Still grumbling he tries to find the edge of the carpet. Being 
 unsuccessful he just cuts around the bump with a knife leaving a big 
 hole in the carpet]

Dai: It's that treasure chest again!

[He picks it up and takes it to security. Security is empty]

Dai: Dave, boyo, come and look at what... Where are you, boyo?

[Seeing nobody there, Dai decides t open the chest. The blue 
 crystal inside begins to glow]

Dai: If I substitute Planck's constant to the fourth power into the 
     wave equation and solve to find u, knowing that the fundamental 
     constant is 42, that means I've solved the Einstein-Rosen bridge 
     between universes. Now all I need is a massive power generator and I 
     can slide. Oh! Sorry, wrong show. Strike a light, I'm a genius.

[In the village strange things are afoot. The black van pulls into
 the rear of Brownlows corner shop. The figure jumps out of the van, opens
 the back of the van and drags Dave out. He drags Dave into the back
 of the shop. Chuck is tied up in the corner of the room]

Chuck: My God! It's you, Mr Brownlow!
Mr Brownlow: When did you come around?
Chuck: But why? Why all of this? Abduction?
Mr Brownlow: Be silent!

[Brownlow walks through into the shop. Alden steps out of the shadows]

Mr Brownlow: So you're here then?
Alden: My preliminary plan failed, so I had no choice but to go along
       with your alternative.
Mr Brownlow: My longterm plan to bring Bates to a halt co-incidences with your
             objectives. We achieve our aim by abducting cast members so they'll
             never be seen again. One minute they will be there, and the next
             minute they'll be gone. It will give the scriptwriters nightmares!
             Ever since they wrote my character out in that fatal bowls
             accident, I've been seeking my revenge.
Alden: What do you do with them?
Mr Brownlow: I lock them all in the cellar.
Alden: Do you mean that they are here? All those characters?
Mr Brownlow: Every single one.
Alden: Even Mad Doris the cleaning lady?
Mr Brownlow: Yes, she went off for an operation on an in-growing toenail and 
             was never seen again.

Alden: What now?
Mr Brownlow: We wait for the next opportunity to strike.
Alden: I've speeded things up.
Mr Brownlow: You've done what?
Alden: I've set a man-trap in the office at Bates.
Mr Brownlow: Isn't that abit obvious?
Alden: Nah they'll never notice. I've also swapped Tina's pills over. I
       swapped the happy pills for some apathy pills. I've also drugged
       the Motels stock of tea. Everybody will end up depressed!
Mr Brownlow: You're going to draw attention to us! And it's all going to come 
             down on me! They know I'm involved in all this, but you're OK,
             nobody knows about you!

[Theme tune fades in, plays and fades down]

Mr Brownlow: I know you meant well, all you've done is to pitch me 
             straight from the frying pan into the fire!

[Theme Tune back in and finishes]

And Introducing:
Michelle Nire

Marcus Durham
David Lewis
Dave Stone
Aidan Folkes

BACK TO THE MAIN BATES INDEX

THE BATES MOTEL CHARACTER GUIDE

THE BATES MOTEL VAULT