Hello and welcome to the Bates Motel the West Midlands top source of quality board and lodgings. Alden Bates is the owner. Random's the receptionist whilst Stephen is the Head Waiter. I'm Marcus Durham, the hotel manager, shareholder and general smooth charmer. David Lewis is playing Dai the gardener, and Alison will be taking the part of Miss Alison. Tina J Perrett owns a stake in the Motel. Dave Stone is the security guard and Chuck is the resturant manager. Also Peter Goddard is the big hatted Caledonian head chef. There's also an array of other wonderful characters who work at the motel.

If you enjoyed Crossroads, loved Triangle, adored Howards Way and are a Doctor Who fan you will love this soap. It stars the occupants of rec.arts.drwho and uk.media.tv.sf.drwho

[Chuck puts Aldens soup on a tray and takes it into the restaurant.
 He walks over to Alden]

Chuck: Enjoy your soup Alden. I'm sure you will remember it for
       the rest of your life.

[Theme tune plays and fades out]

Alden: Yes very nice.

[Chuck goes back to the kitchen cackling madly]

Alden: What's wrong with him?

[Alden takes a spoonful of soup]

Alden: Yuck! I'm not having any more of that!

[in the kitchen]

Chuck: Ah haha! All he has to do is take two spoonfuls!
Pete: What are you going about laddie?

[In reception]

Tina: And you say Aidan just exploded?
Dave: Yes.
Tina: You do know that’s against fire regulations don't you?
Dave: Well yes.
Tina: And you just let him explode?
Dave: Well I didn't get much chance to stop him. He just came in
      and then exploded.
Tina: Hmmm, I suppose I will have to file an accident report.

[Alden enters]

Alden: The food here is getting worse. I couldn't eat the rubbish that
       was served tonight. It's given me a dreadful headache.
Tina: We have had an incident.
Alden: Excellent, I'll be in my study if you need me. 

[Alden leaves the reception as Chuck enters. Tina calls out]

Tina: Chuck, I hope you are dealing with the matter in hand.
Chuck: Yes I am. 

[Chuck exits through the front door. A car is then heard driving off]

[In the kitchen Pete is wandering about muttering to himself, turning
 knobs on cookers, and stirring pots and big pans, Stephen is standing
 in a corner, trying to look important, flicking through his pad and
 pretending to add up numbers]

Pete: What you doing in my kitchen laddie?

Stephen: I must remind you that this is the hotels kitchen, and as such......

[Dai comes in]

Pete: Wipe those muddy boots and clean yourself up before you come into my kitchen.
Dai: This is the hotels kitchen, and as such......
Pete: Don't start all that palava again, what do you want ?
Dai: Food boyo, I haven't had anything to eat in 21 episodes, isn't it.
Pete: There's some leftover coq-au-vin in that big fridge by the door, you
      can have that.
Stephen:  You can't give him that it's a week old.
Dai: Cock-o-what ?  I'm not putting anybody's van in my mouth.
Stephen:  It's a French chicken dish
Pete:  I've never had no complaints about my Coq
Dai:  I don't want any of that foreign muck, I want some good British
      food, like a curry or a pizza or a kebab.
Stephen:  British ?
Dai: Well, Welsh then boyo?
Pete:  Well theres a lamb roast dinner in the same fridge, I suppose you could
       have that.
Dai:  Lamb, you mean you actually eat lamb ? 
Pete:  Och, well what do you think they keep sheep for ?
Dai:  Well, I thought they were just there for........I'm that hungry I could
      eat anything.  Let's see if it's the same on the inside as it is on
      the outside.

[Tina enters the bar, Dave follows her in.]

Tina: I'll have a Sherry. Dave will have an orange juice.

[The barman strangely opens and closes his mouth, and then sets about 
 getting the drinks]

Dave: What's wrong with him?
Tina: He's a silent extra. We don't have the budget for another speaking part.
Dave: Ohhh I see.

[The barman places the drinks on the bar]

Tina: Well, what happened in reception then?
Dave: I don't know what you mean?
Tina: You will have to do better than that!
Dave: Look, I was just in reception and Aidan just exploded.
Tina: You will tell me what happened!
Dave: For the last time, I don't know what happened!
Tina: [sipping her sherry]: I don't know what's going on here,
      but I intend to find out.

[Outside it is now dark. Marcus's car pulls up at the quayside. Neil is already
 there. Marcus gets out of his car]

Marcus: You have the documents?
Neil: Yes.
Marcus: Excellent. Let's go aboard to finalise the details.

[Marcus and Neil board Marcus's boat. Meanwhile outside of the boatyard a
 car pulls up. It is being driven by Chuck. As Marcus and Neil enter the
 boat Chuck gets out of his car. He is carrying a briefcase]

Chuck: I'll be rid of all of you!

[Chuck stealthily enters the boatyard and walks up to the quayside. He walks onto
 the jetty where Marcus's boat is moored. Chuck opens the briefcase. Inside
 the briefcase is a flashing dial and a vast array of electronics. Chuck sets the
 dial to read 30 minutes. He then straps the briefcase to the side of the jetty
 and runs off to hide in some nearby undergrowth]

[Meanwhile in the secret room at the back of Aldens study]

Alden: Ah ha my little beauty.

[Alden pulls a dustsheet off a vast machine]

Alden: The Alden Bates teleport machine mk3!

[Alden fires up the machine, types some numbers is and then stands back]

Alden: Ah ha ha. Ah ha ha ha ha! 

[Alden steps onto a mat placed on the front of the machine. He then presses
 a key on the teleport machine. Suddenly Alden is encased in shimmery light.
 He then vanishes]

[At the boatyard]

Chuck: Twenty minutes to go! I'd better phone Tina.

[Chuck dials Tina on his mobile phone. Whilst Chuck is engaged in
 conversation a shimmery figure appears on the quayside. It is Alden]

Alden: Oh, I feel awful. That soup must have been really off.

[Alden walks onto the jetty and onto Marcus's boat. Alden listens at the cabin door]

Marcus: Alden will be no more! We all want rid of him. All we have to do
        is force him to sign this contract and we will be rid of him.
Neil: Blackmail?
Marcus: Not blackmail exactly. Look at these photos.
[pause]
Neil: Gasp! That’s Alden?
Marcus: No, but it's an actor I hired to look like him. I have an
        interesting video as well.

[Alden is quietly steaming outside the cabin door]

Alden: I'll fix you. I'LL BE RID OF YOU!

[Alden runs over to boats control panel. He removes a panel and searches
 around. He finds what he wants and rips several wires out. He then gets
 off the boat and stands on the jetty fuming. Meanwhile in the undergrowth
 Chuck is still on the phone]

Chuck: Yes Tina, you can come down and watch the result of my plan. Yes, well
       I'll meet you on the main road.

[Back at the Motel in reception]

Alison: Where has everybody gone?
Dave: I don't know. Tina just went out as well.

[Soldeed enters]

Soldeed: Lord Nimon? Lord Nimon, are you there?

[Soldeed exits]

Alison: Why does he do that?

[The front doors open. A strange figure enters. It appears to be half man half beast]

Alison: Can I help you?
Nimon: I am the mighty Nimon. I wish to book a room.

[Dave faints]

[Meanwhile Tina has arrived at the boatyard.]

Tina: What's Alden doing on the jetty?
Chuck: Who cares! Two birds with one stone! [Chuck cackles madly]
Tina: I do worry about you. I sometimes think you might be a little psychotic.
Chuck: Me? Who was it who wanted Alden and Marcus removed? Which of us got
       locked up in the loony bin?
Tina: Shut up, only a minute to go.

[On the boat]

Marcus: We had better go and pick up our third party then.
Neil: Yes, it was an ingenious plan to use your boat.

[Marcus leaves the cabin and goes outside. Neil follows. Marcus starts up the boat.]

[On the jetty Alden is looking very ill. Meanwhile in the undergrowth]

Chuck: What the hell is he doing?
Tina: We've got to stop him from leaving! If he leaves he won't get blown up.

[Tina and Chuck run out of the undergrowth and run to the quayside waving their
 arms. Neil looks around]

Neil: Bugger, that’s Tina and Chuck! Apply full power and let's get out of here!
Marcus: Heh, don't worry......hang on. 

[Marcus pushes the throttle up to full. The boat gains speed quickly]

Marcus: I have no control! The throttles on full and we're heading out to sea!
Neil: Can't we do anything?
Marcus: We'll I only own the boat! How am I supposed to know how it works?
Neil: Look, we're heading out to sea! We don't have any control!


[Alden realises what's going on. He laughs madly. He begins to stumble
 about as if he was drunk. Tina runs onto the jetty, and pushes Alden
 out of the way, he falls to the ground, smashes his head and rolls into the water.]

Tina: Wait! You Bastard! Come back!
Chuck: Get back Tina, the bomb THE BOMB!!!! WE'RE ALMOST ON TOP OF IT!

[Chuck and Tina begin to run away. Everything goes into slow motion.
 As Chuck and Tina are trying to run off the jetty there is one almighty
 explosion. The entire jetty is seen to be thrown into the air amidst the explosion.]
 

[Special Paul McCartney and Wings version of the theme tune fades in]