Hello and welcome to the Bates Motel the West Midlands top source of quality board and lodgings. Alden Bates is the owner. Random's the receptionist whilst Stephen is the Head Waiter. I'm Marcus Durham, the hotel manager, shareholder and general smooth charmer. David Lewis is playing Dai the gardener, and Alison will be taking the part of Miss Alison. Tina J Perrett owns a stake in the Motel. Dave Stone is the security guard and Chuck is the resturant manager. Also Peter Goddard is the big hatted Caledonian head chef. There's also an array of other wonderful characters who work at the motel.

If you enjoyed Crossroads, loved Triangle, adored Howards Way and are a Doctor Who fan you will love this soap. It stars the occupants of rec.arts.drwho and uk.media.tv.sf.drwho

[Alden walks up to the computer and starts humming]

Alden: Help, I'm stuck to the keyboard!

[The computer starts to glow and smoke]

Alden: Arrgghhh, help, HELP!

[Theme tune plays and fades out]

Alden: Get me off of this thing!
Alison: Well what am I supposed to do?
Alden: Turn the power off!

[Suddenly Dai runs into reception and runs straight out of the main door]

Alden: Ignore him, get the power off!

[Alison looks around for the mains socket, she sees it and pulls the 
 computers plug out. Just as she pulls the plug out several
 very irate French teachers run into reception]

French Teacher 1: OK, where is that nasty little Welshman?
Alison: Who do you mean?
Alden [from the floor]: Er, I think he means Dai.
Alison: Oh, he was here a moment ago. I think he ran into the restaurant.

[The French teachers all run off into the restaurant]

[Meanwhile Marcus is standing in the carpark. It is beginning to get dark.
 Dai runs up to Marcus in a panic]

Dai: Have you seen any French teachers boyo?
Marcus: Go away, I am busy.
Dai: Doing what?
Marcus: Waiting.
Dai: For what?
Marcus: None of your business.

[In the restaurant the French teachers bursts in.]

Chuck: Do you have a reservation?
French Teacher 1:  Yes, I hate small Welsh people.
Chuck: Yes, but have you booked a table?
French Teacher 2: No.
Chuck: Then may I request that you leave the restaurant.

[The French Teachers leave the restaurant having calmed down somewhat.
 In the foyer Tina has entered]

Tina: Alden, what are you doing on the floor?
Alden: The computer attacked me.
Tina: Tssk! Don't act the fool.
Alden: I was I tell you!
Tina: Alison, did you see anything?
Alison: No, nothing.
Alden: But..but..but.
Tina: Stop acting the fool Bates.

[In the carpark it is now dark. Marcus is looking at his watch.
 He taps it and then walks over to his car, enters it and drives off]

[Alden enters the restaurant]

Chuck: Ah Alden, do you wish to dine?
Alden: Yes. I'll have the soup of the day followed by the chicken.

[from the kitchen door a lot of noise can be heard]

Chuck: There's a problem with the chicken.

[More noise ensues from the kitchen accompanied by clucking and
 chopping sounds]

Pete [from the kitchen]: Come here ya wee little....

Alden: I think I will have the beef instead.
Chuck: Very good.

[Chuck enters the kitchen where Pete is in a rage. He is
 holding an axe and much of the kitchen furniture appears
 to have axe marks in it. On the other side of the
 kitchen a solitary chicken stands clucking]

Chuck: Alden wants the soup of the day and the beef. It’s
       imperative that it's I and I alone that serves him.
Pete: Och, why should I care about that? I have enough
      problems of my own laddie.

[Back in the restaurant Alden is sitting at his table. The
 Brigadier leans over]

Brigadier: What ho Bates.
Alden: Hello Brigadier.
Brigadier [in a whisper]: I have something important to tell
          you Bates. I've had reports that you have Nazi
          paratroopers hiding in your cellar.
Alden: Look, the war ended years ago!
Brigadier: Rubbish, I'm here on a top-secret mission. Mr Churchill
           himself sent me.
Alden: Yes, yes.
Brigadier: Anyway, I've fixed them.
Alden: Yes, yes, I'm glad to hear it.

[Alison enters and walks over to Alden]

Alison: Alden, there is a telephone call for you.

[In the cellar Aidan is sitting in his room. He has tapped
 the phones and is eagerly listening.
 The conversation starts up:]

Alden: Hello?
Neil: Hello, it's Neil FS here.
Alden: What do you want?
Neil: I just wanted to tell you that Marcus contacted me
      earlier in order to draft up a new Motel contract.
      I know where my loyalties lie so I'm telling you now.
Alden: Where are you meeting him?
Neil: On his boat in ten minutes. Don't worry, I will inform
      you of all developments.
Alden: Splendid work. Keep me informed. [Alden puts the phone down]

Aidan: So my plan is laid. I can get rid of both of them.

[Aidan runs out of his secret room, he enters in the
 corridor deep in the depths of the Motel cellar. In
 front of him is what looks like an alarm clock
 with a candle stuck on the side. It is ticking.]

Aidan: Hmm, interesting. 

[Aidan picks up the alarm clock puts it in his pocket and
 heads off out of the cellar]

[Meanwhile Alden walks back to the restaurant and sits down.
 The Brigadier leans over again]

Brigadier: And so all I need to do is press this button.
           It sends out a small electromagnetic pulse and two
           minutes later....

[Alden snatches the device]

Alden: Hmm, looks like the remote control for a car alarm
       to me. [Alden presses the button]
Brigadier: No, don't do that.

[In reception Dave and Large are inspecting the security cameras]

Dave: So you see, there is no such thing as spontaneous combustion. 
Alison: Oh I agree, people don't just blow up.

[Aidan enters]

Dave: Ah Aidan, the very person. Do you think spontaneous combustion
      really happens?
Aidan: Well..

[Suddenly there is a ringing noise from Aidans pocket.]

Aidan: Eh?

[Aidan suddenly appears to explode]

Dave: So that’s a yes then?

[In the kitchens]

Pete: That’s Aldens meal ready.
Chuck: Excellent.

[Chuck takes a small bottle from his pocket. He opens it and tips it
 into Aldens soup]

Pete: What is that?
Chuck: It's a slow acting poison.

[from a kitchen cupboard Dai's voice can be heard]

Dai: What, Pete's soup?
Pete [opening the cupboard]: What are you doing in there?
Dai: Hiding from the French teachers.

[Chuck puts Aldens soup on a tray and takes it into the restaurant.
 He walks over to Alden]

Chuck: Enjoy your soup Alden. I'm sure you will remember it for
       the rest of your life.

[Theme tune fades in]