Hello and welcome to the Bates Motel the West Midlands top source of quality board and lodgings. Alden Bates is the owner. Random's the receptionist whilst Stephen is the Head Waiter. I'm Marcus Durham, the hotel manager, shareholder and general smooth charmer. David Lewis is playing Dai the gardener, and Alison will be taking the part of Miss Alison. Tina J Perrett owns a stake in the Motel. Dave Stone is the security guard and Chuck is the resturant manager. Also Peter Goddard is the big hatted Caledonian head chef. There's also an array of other wonderful characters who work at the motel.

If you enjoyed Crossroads, loved Triangle, adored Howards Way and are a Doctor Who fan you will love this soap. It stars the occupants of rec.arts.drwho and uk.media.tv.sf.drwho

[Chuck falters, looks confused. Then a determined look takes
 over his face. He walks towards Marcus, grabs the axe and
 pulls it away. He then begins to attack Marcus with it.
 Marcus dodges and Chuck hits BOSS and part of the machines
 side comes away. Chuck falls to the floor unconscious.
 Marcus looks into hole in BOSS. As he peers in he can make out a figure].

Marcus: Oh my God, not you!

[Camera jerkily zooms in on Marcus's shocked face]

[Theme plays and fades out]

Aidan: Yes, it's me.
Marcus: But why?
Aidan: For to long my genius has been overshadowed by Alden. I do
       all the work, he takes all the credit. I wish no harm on
       any of you, it's Alden I want destroyed.
Marcus: Fair enough. But do try and not make a mess. 
Aidan: Not to worry. Any initial teething problems I may have had
       have been eliminated. The giant maggots have been eliminated.
Marcus: Excellent.

[Chuck gurgles from the floor]

Marcus: Come along Chuck, we have work to be getting on with.

[Chuck and Marcus leave whilst Aidan cackles madly]

[Alden is sitting in his study, Dai bursts in]

Alden: What?
Dai: Oh I don't know what to do. There are these French Teachers
     in the conference centre and they want to take over the world.
Alden: Oh, OK.
Dai: So you will take action boyo?
Alden: Yes, yes, whatever.

[Tina is sitting in the bar. Marcus walks in]

Tina: Will you join me for a drink?
Marcus: Yes, we have motel business to discuss.
Tina: What business?
Marcus: The problem of Alden. 
Tina: You mean the fact that he does no work and half of the time
      nobody knows where he is.
Marcus: I was thinking more along the lines of the fact that he's
        a contemptuous little twit.
Tina: Yes, that as well.
Marcus: Well, I know for a fact that his time here is coming to an end.
Tina: And we should help him along a bit?
Marcus: Indeed. We could bring together a combination of factors that
        will remove him once and for all.
Tina: That will take time.
Marcus: Yes, but you would get half of his shares.

[Chuck enters]

Marcus: I had better go.
[Marcus leaves]

Tina: Chuck, get over here.
Chuck: Yes?
Tina: We have business to discuss.
Chuck: Do we?
Tina: Shut up. You are a personal employee of mine, a fact unknown to
      everybody else here. You are awnserable to me!
Chuck: Yes, I know.
Tina: Well, I have reason to believe that Alden and Marcus's time here
      may be coming to an end. 
Chuck: And you want me to push them over the preverbal cliff enabling you
       to take control of the motel.
Tina: Better than that. We allow Marcus to get rid of Alden. And then WE
      get rid of Marcus.
Chuck: An excellent plan indeed.
Tina: Meanwhile we must be seen to be helping Marcus. You must do everything
      you can to aid him without him knowing. That idiot is far to stupid to
      do anything properly himself.

[In the conference centre the French teachers are whipping up into a frenzy]

Speaker: And now, we will take our place as the supreme leaders. Nothing will
         stand in our way.

[Meanwhile Dai is creeping around behind the conference centre. He enters
 through a side door and goes to a tape recorder placed at the side of the
 room. He swaps the cassette that’s in it]

Speaker: We shall rise up.....Stop, who are you [pointing at Dai].
Dai: I'm just the cleaner boyo. I've finished now. 

[Marcus enters his office, picks up the phone and dials]

Marcus: Hello Neil? Yes, I want to talk to you about having a new partner's
        agreement drawn up for the Motel... Yes, do it and bring it over.
        And it's imperative you only speak to me about it.

[In the conference centre]

Speaker: And now the moment has come. Mr Ford has set the transmitter up on
         the motel roof. When I press the play button on this tape recorder
         the special message will be transmitted to the world over. 

[The speaker presses the play button. There is a dramatic pause]

Tape recorder: Agadoo doo doo, push pineapple, shake the tree [etc]
Speaker: What abomination is this!

[Dai bursts back in]

Dai: It's mine. And I know all about your evil plans to take over the world.
Speaker: Get him.

[Suddenly 100 French teachers get up and run towards Dai.]

Dai: Oh no!

[Dai runs off followed by some very angry French teachers]

[In reception Alden is talking to Alison]

Alden: So then I said to Mel, oh no I am resigned to that fact.
Alison: That’s all very interesting, but I think it's time you moved on.
        No good comes of living in the past.
Alden: No, I intend it to be my future?
Alison: What do you mean?

[suddenly Alisons computer starts beeping]

Alison: Oh no, my computers crashed. Alden can you sort it out?
Alden: Oh, I suppose so.

[Alden walks up to the computer and starts humming]

Alden: Help, I'm stuck to the keyboard!

[The computer starts to glow and smoke]

Alden: Arrgghhh, help, HELP!

[Theme tune fades in]