Hello and welcome to the Bates Motel the West Midlands top source of quality board and lodgings. Alden Bates is the owner. Random's the receptionist whilst Stephen is the Head Waiter. I'm Marcus Durham, the hotel manager, shareholder and general smooth charmer. David Lewis is playing Dai the gardener, and Alison will be taking the part of Miss Alison. Tina J Perrett owns a stake in the Motel. Dave Stone is the security guard and Chuck is the resturant manager. Also Peter Goddard is the big hatted Caledonian head chef. There's also an array of other wonderful characters who work at the motel.

If you enjoyed Crossroads, loved Triangle, adored Howards Way and are a Doctor Who fan you will love this soap. It stars the occupants of rec.arts.drwho and uk.media.tv.sf.drwho

[Aidan takes the piece of red hair, unceremoniously slaps it in a
 tray, sticks it in the machine and hits the on switch.]

Alden: Excellent! [Clenches fist, Cyberman style]

[The machine burps twice, shudders and hits spin cycle.  The tanks
 start draining downwards.  The cylinders cloud over and shapes
 begin to form inside them.  Short humanoid shapes...]

[Soldeed suddenly staggers in.]

Soldeed: THREE!  I HAVE SEEN THREE!

Alden: Muahahahahahahahahahaha!

[Theme music plays and fades out]

[In the kitchens]

Alison: Anyone for a nice cup of tea?
Pete: No, Im busy cooking dinner.
Alison: Oh go on now, surely you have time for a nice cup of tea.
Pete: I said NO!
Alison: Oh go on now. You know you want one really.
Pete: Oh go on then, I'll have a cup.
Alison: Oh no, I really wouldn't want to think I was forcing you.
Pete: You're not, I've decided I'll have one. It's been a
      busy day and I could do with one.
Alison: No, I'm forcing it on you.
Pete: No you're not. Now can I have a cup?
Alison: No, I've decided. I'll just go outside and put all the tea down the drain.
Pete: Please, I just want a cup.
Alison: No. It is evil. It must be destroyed!

[Alison runs out with the tea. Tina enters]

Tina: Whats wrong with her?
Pete: Nothing, for her that's pretty normal.

[suddenly the lights begin to flicker and a crack of thunder is heard
 from outside. In the distance there is insane laughing]

[in Aldens cupboard]

Alden: Success! Success! Success!
Aidan: Er, we have a problem.
Alden: What!
Aidan: Look at the monitor.
[Alden looks and begins to read it out]
Alden: General protection fault in module Mel. Continue at your own risk?
Aidan: It means that it is quite possible that one of the clones may be faulty
Alden: But how will we tell which one?
Aidan: We can't tell until they are up and running. And I can't even predict 
       how the fault will manifest itself.
Alden: That's gonna cause real problems.

[In the restaurant Chuck and Marcus are talking. Their voices seem almost mechanical]

Marcus: Total efficiency must be achieved.
Chuck: Yes, efficiency is only 56% at present.
Marcus: Motel could be more efficient if guests were removed.
Chuck: We must consult BOSS.
Marcus: Yes, at once.

[Dai runs in]

Dai: Quick, quick, something nasty has happened to one of the guests in the restaurant.
Chuck: That is inefficient. What has happened?
Dai: Well, the guest is glowing bright green and has collapsed.
Marcus: What's the problem. Guests are inefficient.

[Marcus and Chuck walk off]

Dai: Well, what now?

[In security Dave and Large are watching Crossroads on TV]

Dave: Hmm, seems familiar doesn't it?
Large: What?
Dave: The Crossroads Motel.
Large: Does it? I hadn't noticed.

[the phone rings, Dave picks it up]

Dave: Hello, yes Dai?.. What? And you say he's green? And Miss Alison is acting strangely?
      And we haven't seen Adam Chance for 6 months? OK. Right we will be straight over.
Large: Adam Chance? Never heard of him.

[suddenly a strange man with a mustache appears on the TV screen. He walks up to
 the camera and knocks on the screen]

Man: Hello? I would like to talk about copyright infringement.
Dave [turns the TV set off]: Bugger off!
Large: Who was that?
Dave: Oh, only Adam Chance.

[In Aldens cupboard strange things are a foot]

Alden: Right, here's what we do. We let them out one at a time to test them out.

[Aidan throws a switch, the door opens and one of the Mel clones walks out. 
The camera follows her out of Aldens cupboard, into his study. Mel then enters 
the corridor and suddenly looks horrified]

Mel: SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Theme tune fades in]