Hello and welcome to the Bates Motel the West Midlands top source of quality board and lodgings. Alden Bates is the owner. Random's the receptionist whilst Stephen is the Head Waiter. I'm Marcus Durham, the hotel manager, shareholder and general smooth charmer. David Lewis is playing Dai the gardener, and Alison will be taking the part of Miss Alison. Tina J Perrett owns a stake in the Motel. Dave Stone is the security guard and Chuck is the resturant manager. Also Peter Goddard is the big hatted Caledonian head chef. There's also an array of other wonderful characters who work at the motel.

If you enjoyed Crossroads, loved Triangle, adored Howards Way and are a Doctor Who fan you will love this soap. It stars the occupants of rec.arts.drwho and uk.media.tv.sf.drwho

[Alden walks out of the bar and through the Motel until he reaches
 the luxury chalet. He opens the door]

Mel: Well, well. If it isn't Alden.
Alden: Er, hello dear.
Mel: Here take this.
Alden: What's this?
Mel: Divorce papers!


[Theme music plays and fades out]

Alden: Divorce papers?

[He reads through the papers quickly.]

Mel: Are you still claiming I'm an alcoholic?  You know the only
     time I got drunk is when I married you, and then it was your
     fault.  It was the only way I'd marry you.
Alden: But... but... according to this, you get everything!
Mel: That's right, don't you remember?  The next morning, I got
     you drunk and got you to sign a reworded marriage
     agreement.
Alden: Including the motel?!  You cow!
Mel: Serves you right!

[Alden stands there looking devastated for a moment.]

Alden: Can I ask just one thing?
Mel: What's that?
Alden: A lock of your hair to remember you by.

[Mel grimaces, produces a pair of scissors, snips off a small piece
 of hair and hands it to Alden.  Alden walks outside with a
 dejected look on his face.  One outside, he straightens up and
 grins.]

Alden: Muahaha!  Now I have the DNA I need.  Now, where's Aidan
     got to?

[In the garden, Marcus is talking to Dai.]

Marcus: This is inefficient.
Dai: No it's not.  It's a garden.
Marcus: Gardens are inefficient.  They are a waste of time and
       resources.  We will remove it immediately and replace it with
       concrete.  Perhaps a nice rock garden. 
Dai: You've gone bonkers, you have.  Who died and made you Paul
     Merroney?

[Alden enters]

Alden: Have you seen Aidan?  He's not in my office.  I need to talk
       to him urgently.
Dai: Aidan?  You must be joking.
Marcus: That is irrelevant.  You are being inefficient.
Alden: Never mind that now, you can assimilate us later.  I'm
       trying to find Aidan. 
Dai: Look, the garden...
Alden: Marcus, leave the man's garden alone.  Go and find some
       guests to bully or something.

[Marcus leaves shot]

Alden: Look, it's absolutely urgent that I find Aidan.

[Cut to Marcus's office.  Aidan is proudly showing BOSS to Chuck.]

Aidan: Look at this, state of the art, gazillion gigabyte
       hard-drive, multiplex IO card, megabyte modem, open-ended
       transmat beam...
Chuck: Open what?  What concern do I have with this honking great
       thing?
Aidan: It will revolutionise the restaurant.  Once I get the
       peripherals hooked up, customers will be able to send orders
       directly to the kitchen.

[Suddenly, and for no apparent reason, Adric runs into the room.]

Adric: But the Doctor's in there!

[Both look at him.  Adric adopts a sheepish look and runs back out.]

Chuck: Bloody amateurs.  OK, where's the keyboard?
Aidan: There isn't one, it's all voice controlled.  Look, stick
       these headphones on...

[Alden enters the room.]

Alden: I have the red hair gel! Nothing can stop me now!
Aidan: What?
Alden: The DNA sample! I mean the DNA sample!
Aidan: You mean Mel is here?  Where?

[Behind them, Chuck listens at the headphones and goes slack-jawed.]

Alden: In the luxury chalet.  She gave me these.

[He hands over the divorce papers.]

Aidan: She's getting the motel?  She can't!  What about the
       shareholders? 
Alden: Never mind that now.  I'm going to contest this in court.
Aidan: You could plead insanity.  They'd go for that for sure.
Alden: Brilliant.  Now I remember why I hired you in the first
       place.  Right, to my study!

[Secret room behind Alden's study.  Alden and Aidan are standing
beside a huge contraption.  Three glass cylinders are connected to
a mass of open circuitry and tanks of bubbling liquid.]

Alden: Right!  Begin the process!

[Aidan takes the piece of red hair, unceremoniously slaps it in a
 tray, sticks it in the machine and hits the on switch.]

Alden: Excellent! [Clenches fist, Cyberman style]

[The machine burps twice, shudders and hits spin cycle.  The tanks
 start draining downwards.  The cylinders cloud over and shapes
 begin to form inside them.  Short humanoid shapes...]

[Soldeed suddenly staggers in.]

Soldeed: THREE!  I HAVE SEEN THREE!

Alden: Muahahahahahahahahahaha!

[Theme music fades in]