Hello and welcome to the Bates Motel the West Midlands top source of quality board and lodgings. Alden Bates is the owner. Random's the receptionist whilst Stephen is the Head Waiter. I'm Marcus Durham, the hotel manager, shareholder and general smooth charmer. David Lewis is playing Dai the gardener, and Alison will be taking the part of Miss Alison. Tina J Perrett owns a stake in the Motel. Dave Stone is the security guard and Chuck is the resturant manager. Also Peter Goddard is the big hatted Caledonian head chef. There's also an array of other wonderful characters who work at the motel.

If you enjoyed Crossroads, loved Triangle, adored Howards Way and are a Doctor Who fan you will love this soap. It stars the occupants of rec.arts.drwho and uk.media.tv.sf.drwho

Random: And once you have done that there is one further job 
        I want you to do.
Hat: Pheep?
Random: I want you to destroy Marcus!

[Theme music plays and fades out]

[Back in the bar Alden, Aidan, Marcus and Dai are sitting at a table.
Chuck enters]

Chuck: I've cleared the occupant of Room 316 out. We can now go
       and see if we can lure that hat out.
Alden: Excellent.
Chuck: Will you walk this way?
Marcus: No, if I walk like that I might be mistaken for Larry Grayson.
Chuck: I mean follow me to room 316.
Marcus: Ahh, I see.

[They all get up and follow Chuck]

[In reception the phone rings]

Random: Hello, Bates Motel.....you want to see Mr Bates? Yes, 
        you can book an appointment. Tomorrow? Yes...10am? OK, your
        name?..... Is that spelt with a M? It is. OK then, thank you.

[Random puts the phone down]

[Jason walks in]

Jason: Ah yes, hello. Im the new head barman and I wish to inspect the
       wine cellar.
Random: Have you been drinking on duty?
Jason: Me? No! I've just been eating scotch flavored crisps that's all.
Random: So you want to inspect the wine cellar?
Jason: Do I....I mean yes.
Random: So you will want the cellar list as well?
Jason: Do I....I mean yes.
Random: Do you know what you are doing.
Jason: Of course I do. How dare you insult my facilities Madame!
Random: Faculties, you meant faculties. And no I wasn't insulting them.
        Just making a casual observation. And besides, Chuck keeps the
        keys to the cellar.

[Jason walks off muttering. At the same time a lone figure stands
 in the corner of reception. Random call's over]

Random: Brigadier, may I help you?
Brigadier: Shoot the bloody lot of them!
Random: Who?
Brigadier: Ruddy Germans. Hiding in the cellar don't you know. He's
           one you know!
Random: The new head barman?
Brigadier: That's the fellow. I have my eye on him.
Random: I don't think it matters you know.
Brigadier: What? There's a war on don't you know!
Random: Brigadier, the war ended 50 years ago.
Brigadier: That's it, I've had enough of your cheek. Where's Fawlty?
Random: You mean Mr Bates?
Brigadier: I know who I mean.
Random: Sigh.

[Meanwhile Alison is listening at the door of Aldens study, suddenly
footsteps come towards the door, Alison runs off around the corner.
The door bursts open and Mr Blobby walks out into the corridor]

Alison: Oh no, it's on the rampage. I had better tell someone.

[Alison runs off in the direction of reception]

[Meanwhile Alden, Aidan, Chuck, Dai and Marcus enter room 316]

Marcus: Right, where's the air vent?
Alden: Over there?
Marcus: Over where?
Alden: Over there by the stair.
Marcus: Why didn't you say? Let's have a look at it.

[Marcus walks over to it]

Marcus: Yes, we can have this down. But how do we lure the hat out?
Aidan: I may be able to help there.

[In reception Alison runs in and goes over to the reception desk]

Alison: Random, Random, the Mr Blobby monsters on the rampage.
        It's left Aldens study and is in the corridor.
Random: Well, in which direction is it going?
Alison: Towards the guest quarters.
Random: Well that's where Alden and the others are. All they have
        to do is get that hat out of the ventilation system before
        Mr Blobby reaches them.
Alison: Providing it goes that way...Do you think we should call
        security?
Random: Why?
Alison: Well, this is a security matter.

[Alison picks up the phone and dials]

[Meanwhile in security Dave and Large are watching Dallas on UK Gold]

Dave: Go on, go on. You know you want to!
Large: I feel sorry for JR you know.
Dave: Shut up! Im watching tele!

[The phone rings]

Dave: You get it, you get it. JR's going to bed her!
Large:[sighs and picks up phone]: Hello security.
Dave: Arrgghh!!! No, watch it, she's got a gun!
Large: A breach of security? Where?
[Shots eminate from TV followed by Dallas theme]
Dave: No no! I don't believe it! She's shot JR. Bitch bitch BITCH!!!
Large: We'll be straight over.
Dave: Who was that?
Large: It was Alison. There's a large pink thing roaming the motel.

[Back in room 316 Alden, Marcus, Chuck, Aidan and Dai are trying
 to lure the hat out]

Aidan: It's simple. We lure it out with human flesh.
Marcus: But we don't have any........Dai?
Dai: Yes?
Marcus: Would you like to earn some Jelly Babies?
Dai: Oh yes!
Marcus: Good. Stick your head in there.
Dai: OK boyo.

[Dai sticks his head in the air vent]

Marcus: Now when you hear something coming towards you, take
        your head out and run for it.
Aidan: Now we wait.
Marcus: Splendid. Anybody for a drink?

[They all head off into the corridor leaving Dai with his head in the
air vent]

Dai: Quick quick, somethings coming!

[Meanwhile out in the corridor]

Marcus: What's that around the corner.
Alden: I think its the Mr Blobby monster
Chuck: We had better back track.

[Suddenly Dai runs out into the corridor]

Dai: Quick, quick, the hats coming!

[The hat runs out behind Dai. Dai runs towards the others as the
Mr Blobby monster comes around the corner from behind them]

Alden: We're trapped!

[The hat and Mr Blobby both close in on the party]

Marcus: I really think this might be the end!

[Theme music fades in]