From: Rufus T. Firefly Subject: ADRICS 2000 - The Henry "Azaxyr/Cuddles" Vizi award for RADW's Top Monster Date: Wednesday, 17 May 2000 5:15 (The lights dim. The curtain rises and a spotlight to center-stage reveals RTF, a lone figure in mirrorshades, a black trenchcoat and fedora, and a neon green version of the Tom Baker scarf. The rest of the stage is too dark to see.) RTF: Hi everyone! I'm known as Rufus T. Firefly. Some of you may know me as "the guy on RADW with the name that makes 'Inskip' sound desirable." (Charles Daniels snickers loudly from the first row of the audience.) RTF: Throughout its history, a defining force in Doctor Who has been its monsters. We have found that the same holds true for Who fandom. Monsters, both fictual and factional, humanoid and anthropoid have provided us with many invaluable things. At times a monster provides a much needed focus for our collective fears and anxieties, at others we may glimpse a sneak peek into our own dark psyche. And a lot of the time they can give us a damn good laugh. (A familiar voice shouts "You're damn right!" from the audience.) RTF: Now, expanding on one of my other Doctor Who-related projects, I have recruited some friends of mine to help me in this little celebration of monsterdom... (The entire stage is lit up, revealing neat rows of Daleks, Cybermen, Terileptils, Ogrons, and nearly every other monster from Who over the years.) RTF: Hit it!! (RTF throws off his hat, coat, shades, and scarf to reveal a "Michael Flatley IS Lord of the Dance" costume. A jaunty Irish jig starts up, and RTF starts an energetic Riverdancing number... The Daleks sort of shuffle uncomfortably a few inches back and forth, more or less in time with the music... The Cybermen start a respectable line-dance, but their two-ton cast-iron Doc Martens seem to be punching holes through the simple wooden stage... A brace of Ogrons are attempting the Macarena, but sadly they get the gestures all shuffled... A group of Gell Guards are vigorously hopping up and down, revealing their tennis shoes... A shop-display's worth of Auton dummies do a stiff 1980s robot-dance, while the Raston Warrior Robot masterfully performs the sharp, precise gestures of the "Y.M.C.A..." Ghost Light's Light starts a quite moving interpretive ballet solo... A herd of Yeti run belatedly onstage, one brandishing a sign which reads "SORRY, WE WERE IN THE LOO..." A rushing Yeti is tripped up by a cyberman-foot-shaped hole in the stage, and barrels into the big guys holding Sil... Sil's bearers drop his tank, spilling a furiously gurgling Sil and some turquoise gravel onto the stage, along with several gallons of swamp water... Light slips in the slimy puddle mid-arabesque, and slides into the Cybermen... Light's several hundred pounds of gold jewelry scatter into the brigade of Cybermen, killing them on contact... The exploding Cybermen startle the already-uncomfortable Daleks into a frenzy, who begin exterminating everything in sight... RTF notices this, and motions furiously to a stagehand.) RTF: Curtain! Curtain!! (The curtain falls. RTF, once again fully dressed, struggles out from beneath it just as the explosions and ring-modulated screams from behind it get really blood-curdling.) RTF: (mumbling) "Oh *nooo*" you said.. "An arena with temporal grace would be just *too* expensive.." Well, I hope you're proud of yourself *now* Snarky.. (A familiar purple VW Beetle is driven onstage. The windows are tinted dark, but it appears to be driven by a small child. A rear window opens an inch, and RTF peers inside.) RTF: Jonathan Blum and Kate Orman? What are you two doing here? JON: Shh! Keep it down. We're here to help. RTF: What, with my presentation? You're too late, it's already a disaster. (A particularly blood-curdling scream is heard from the continuing scuffle behind the curtain. The arena is starting to fill with smoke.) JON: You blew it, Rufus. RTF: Tell me about it. KATE: That dance shouldn't have happened. RTF: Can't argue with you there Kate.. what's that on your shoulder? And what's up with your forehead, Jon? JON: Shh! Listen.. for a fiver we can make it so that dance number never happened. RTF: Really?? KATE: Really. RTF: Deal! Thanks, you guys! You're a lifesaver! (RTF hands over a fiver.) *>-VWORP-<* (The lights dim. The curtain rises and a spotlight to center-stage reveals RTF, a lone figure in mirrorshades, a black trenchcoat and fedora, and a neon green version of the Tom Baker scarf. The rest of the stage is empty.) RTF: Hi everyone! I'm known as Rufus T. Firefly. Some of you may know me as "the guy on RADW with the name that makes 'Inskip' sound desirable." (Charles Daniels chuckles loudly from the third row of the audience.) RTF: Now then, the award for rec.arts.drwho's top monster. Honorable mentions go to our battalion of slightly monstery folk, including MH Stevens, Dave "The Doctor" Yadallee, Keith Brookes, Pope Maddogg, Steve Day, William December Starr, Paul Cornell, Waxvax, deacon, Allen Robinson, Marcus Durham, icon, Ronnie Clark, Adam Richards, Jonathan Blum, Dangermouse, and of couse PC Mist. (a mumbled "It's a fair cop" is heard from offstage.) RTF: As much as we love them all, for true monstrosity we know we can always count on our finalists! Our fourth runner-up is the Reverend Billy Thompson! (Someone shouts "What are looms?" from the back row.) RTF: The third runner-up is none other than our beloved Exorse! ("You're damn right I beat Billy!" echoes throughout the arena.) RTF: Never dress in sweater vests near our second runner-up, DBurns6554! (The audience from DBurns' point of view, inexplicably only three or four people plus DBurns, heartily applauds.) RTF: Our first runner-up monster is known for lately dabbling in psychotherapy, and for being a large green lizard. Let's hear it for Finn Fang Foom! ("Awww, SHUCKS!!" is heard from inside a massive reinforced metal Jurassic-Park-style electrified holding pen near the back of the arena. A surrounding squadron of UNIT soldiers armed with tranquilizer guns and cattle prods mutter their congratulations.) RTF: And the winner of the Henry "Azaxyr/Cuddles" Vizi award for RADW's Top Monster is... Henry "Azaxyr/Cuddles" Vizi!! Let's have a round for the one and only Azaxyr!! (furious applause from the packed arena) -- RTF http://bounce.to/rtf - personal page http://connect.to/cwp - Celebrities with Phones archive