From: Helen Fayle Subject: AT last: THe Steve Traylen Memorial Award!! Date: Sunday, 21 May 2000 0:12 After a long delay... CUE MUSIC: A MEDLEY OF WHITESNAKE'S "COME AND GET IT", as sung by "Da Fangrrls" (with slightly altered lyrics) PA SYSTEM: "Are you man enough, to take a woman like me..." "THE TIMEWARP" PA SYSTEM: "But it's the pelvic thrusts.... that really drive you insa - a-a-ane...", AREOSMITH: "CRAZY" PA: "I go crazy, crazy, crazy, for you baby..." (Echoed by the audience who now know who's coming....) AND ALICE COPPER'S "POISON" PA: "Your skin, so wet, black lace, on sweat." CUE SPOTLIGHTS: RED LIGHTS ON BLACK DRAPES PA: "I want to hurt you just to hear you screaming my name." A ROUND OF RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE GREETS THE FIGURE WHO NOW STROLLS ONTO THE STAGE: A TALL, VOLUPTOUS, AUBURN HAIRED WOMAN WEARING A RED SATIN BASQUE AND BLACK FISHNETS. SHE'S WEARING 4 INCH STILLETO HEELS, AND HAS A WRIGGLE THAT WOULDN'T LOOK OUT OF PLACE IN DOWNTOWN AMSTERDAM. SHE CRACKS A TEN FOOT LONG BRAIDED BULLWHIP, WHICH IS THEN THROWN INTO THE AUDIENCE. MISTRESS HELEN: Hello, good evening RADW, ADWC!!!! It's good to be back! (PEELS OFF FINGERLESS BLACK LACE GLOVES) HECKLER: I'd rather have you on your back! MISTRESS HELEN: (LICKS HER LIPS IN A FASHION THAT WOULD MAKE THE LEGENDARY FRANK'N'FURTER DROOL) (HUSKILY) Later, darling. AUDIENCE LAUGHS. CHARLES DANIELS HAS TO BE RESTRAINED FROM CLIMBING ONTO THE STAGE. MISTRESS HELEN: Someone's a tad overeager tonight. Yo! Bucket of liquid nitrogen, Daniels party!! (CLICKS FINGERS) Right, we're here to give this (PICKS UP THE AWARD) to the person that RADW readers have voted "The person you'd most like to meet over a cold beer (beverage) of your choice". They named the damn thing after some bloke called Steve Traylen. Personally, I've never heard of him. But who cares, right? You're all here to. (SUDDENLY NOTICES THE PICTURE GOING OUT ON THE VIEWSCREEEN BEHIND HER) Hey! Ed! Cut it out up there!! (CAMERA TWO PANS BACK AND UP TO CAMERA ONE'S OPERATOR, WHOSE LENS HAD BEEN POINTING STRAIGHT DOWN HER AMPLE CLEAVAGE) AUDIENCE: (AS CAMERA VIEW SWITCHES) Awwwwww... CAMERA ONE OPERATOR: (MUTTERS) I was only looking at her hair... MISTRESS HELEN: Anyway, as I was saying: I'm here to present an award tonight. Not the one I'd have liked to present.. (WAVES TO THE HUNK NOMINEES) but hey - them's the breaks! At the moment, I'm wondering if I'M going to get any tonight! HECKLER: Well if you don't get any better offers...! MISTRESS HELEN: (WITH A QUELLING STARE) In your dreams, loverboy.! (TAKES A DEEP BREATH) AUDIENCE: (Breathe a collected sigh of contentment and anticipation, followed by an "awwwwww" when she fails to fall out of the top of the VERY low cut basque) MISTRESS HELEN: So, onto the also rans. There's a shit-load of these, so running down, in reverse order... Honourable mentions to Ian Parkes, Peter Finklestone, Shannon Patrick Sullivan (hey - a name I recognise!!) Steve Day, Russell Davies, Daniel Gooley (know him) Finn Clark (Emminently shaggable when shaggy, it must be said...) Down boy!! Paul Vanezis (who ARE these guys??) Mark Phippen - never 'eard of him... I gather he's co-produced a collection of short stori - AUDIENCE: No gratuitous book plugs!! MISTRESS HELEN: Sorry, thought I was on "Harty" for a minute. Right, where were we? OK... Richard Molesworth, William December Starr, Dave Stone... Hiya Dave! next time, I promise, I WILL go to the costume parade with you... Susannah Tiller anytime, any beverage, darling... Meddling Mick, Gary Gillat, DBurns6554, Shaun Lyon - great guy, love his website... Ed Jefferson, Jonn Elledge, Chris Cwej