From: Siobahn Morgan Subject: ADRICS 2000 - Long service award for posters who have been in radw for 5 years or longer Date: Thursday, 18 May 2000 0:10 Snarky again takes center stage to usher in the next presentation. "Ladies and gentlemen, and other non-gender-specific-or-species-specific-or- biological-functioning-or-not-biologically-functioning-entities. It is my pleasure to introduce the next award presenter. We were happy to bring her in from the ancient astronomers home in upstate Michigan, your favorite FAQ keeper and mine, the one, the only, Dr. Siobahn (Ain't she an old lady) Morgan" A buxom, blonde nurse wheels out the next presenter, who is buried under layers of wool shawls and blankets. The crowd applauds vigorously, thinking to themselves either "Gosh she's doesn't look bad for her age" or "She's still alive?" A few tears are hurriedly brushed aside by the "Most haughty and arrogant authors" nominees, as well as the "Cuddliest poster" nominees. The nurse smiles inanely and continues to wave to the crowd, while the presenter continues to snooze away. The nurse is so enthralled with waving at the crowd, she overshot the podium, and nearly sends the presenter into the laps of the "Snarky Award for Most Bizarre Poster" nominees. With a quick turn on her stillettos, the nurse is able to swing the wheelchair around fast enough and steers it back to the podium. The presenter snores slightly louder. As the nurse bends over to lock the wheels of the wheelchair, the nominees for "rec.arts.drwho hunk of the year", as well as a few in the "babe of the year" catagory strain their necks for a better view. The nurse stands by as the presenter continues to snooze. The nurse continues smiling and occassionally blowing kisses to the "Sexiest poster" nominees. A whisper from stage-left can be heard "Wake her up, wake her up!" The nurse continues to show her pearly-whites, as well as smiling broadly and waving to the crowd. "WAKE HER UP YOU SILLY COW!" can be plainly heard from off stage. The nurse's 20 Watt bulb turns on finally, "Oh! Sorry... Come on deary, wakey-wakey!" Slowly the presenter emerges from under the blankets and shawls. A few sputters, and mumbles can be heard plainly, "aaarhhhggg, oooohhhh, hrumph, well, that's not what James Armstrong said...." After a few more moments of strange mutterings, the presenter is again silent. The nurse realizes that she is still in front of a crowd and starts smiling and blowing kisses, this time toward the "Dave Yadallee award for net cluelessness" nominees who think she is sending them a message in binary. As they argue about the meaning of the missive, another stage whisper begins "Wake her up, wake her up, wake her up you Benny Hill reject!" As the nurse continues to ignore the noises eminating from off stage, the master of ceremonies comes out with a pointy stick, and proceeds to poke at the pile of blankets. Eventually the presenter re-emerges with a shout of "Now be nice to Jill Deel! She's just misunderstood. Oh, dear, sorry where am I?" Snarky whispers into her ear. "Eh? What's that? Speak up sonny, my hearing ain't what it used to be." "You are to make the presentation for the Long Service Award for posters who have been in rec.arts.drwho for 5 years or longer." "5 years? You call that long service? Why in my day, you had to be in a newsgroup for at least 10 years before they stopped calling you a newbie. That's the problem with you youngsters now-a-days. Such short attention spans, minds full of MTV mush and ritalin, you wouldn't know good TV if it came and bit you in the fanny. Now "Manimal", that was good TV. Not like that pablum they show now-a-days. Why we had to walk 20 miles up hills, both ways just to go to school. And in a blizzard, all year long. Those were really rough times. You know how rough it was, why it was so rough, ........... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" Snarky starts poking the presenter again with the stick. " ahhh, what's that Doctor? Oh, what? Oh it's you again. Well, I suppose I should do the whatcha-ma-call-it-doo-hickey-thingy- ma-bob award for the old fogeys. Just a second sonny." The longest throat clearing ever witnessed, immediately followed by the noisiest and driest expectorating episode ever heard were then finally followed by the long awaited presentation. "Ahem! Ahem. That's better. Well first of all we have the ... what are they?" (whisper, whisper) "oh yes, the honorable mentions - I guess these folks just weren't geriatric enough to suit you youngens. Let's see the honorable mentions are....uh.....uh.... what's that say...that damn teleprompters too far away...." (whisper, whisper) "Cave Doorman? Who? Oh Kate Orman. Yes, I remember that youngster. and also...uh" (whisper, whisper) "Day Yakapee? Well that doesn't sound like a real name, must be a pseudonym. Oh, you mean Yaddy. Oh yes, he's a young whipper-snapper. And who else is an honorable mention?" (whisper, whisper) "Pope Morman? I thought the Pope was catholic, not a morman. Oh, you mean Paul Harman. Well speak clear next time you silly boy". Snarky is politely trying to contain his fury. "Oh goody, heres the results. The 4th runner-up for the Long Service Award for posters who have been in rec.arts.drwho for 5 years or longer is... uh..." (whisper, whisper) "Slime and German? Oh, you must mean Simon Jerram. By gum, he's just a fetus. The 3rd runner-up is..." (whisper, whisper) "Charcoal Damnation? No, can't say that I know him. What's that? Well why didn't you say Charles Daniels in the first place sonny. Take the gumballs out of your mouth and speak clearer. Oh, dear where was, I... Let's see the 2nd runner-up is ...." (whisper, whisper) "Scalding Mates. Must be one of the dirty videos. What's that? Oh, Alden Bates. Well that's about as clear as my colostomy bag. And now were up to the 1st runner-up... uh....what's that say?" (whisper, whisper) "Monsoon? Dublin? Oh, Jon Blum. Why he's still wet behind the ears. I guess that leaves just the winner at this point.... And the winner is... " The MC looks ready to poke with the stick. The nurse continues blowing kisses this time towards the "Monomania award for most single-minded poster" nominees, who are ignoring the kisses since they are just so bloody single-minded. The presenter turns to Snarky, "Where's the damn envelope sonny? How am I to make this silly presentation without an envelope? You youngsters are just so inept. Why in my day we knew how to run an awards show. Just say who won, slap on the back and kick'em out the door. That was a real awards show, not like this sissy dress up afairs." "Where's the envelope?" the MC is aghast, "We gave it to your nurse" The nurse continues her flirting with the crowd. "Miss Biggum, where is the envelope" Snarky asks quietly. "Envelope? What envelope?" "The awards envelope, the one with the winners name in it" "Oh that one. I put it in a really safe place" The nurse reaches into her ample cleavage. After searching around for a few moments and removing 3 pencils, a comb and a bottle of sun-tan lotion from the crevasse she pulls out the envelope and hands it to the presenter. The presenter starts trying to tear open the envelope, but finds it a little too well sealed. She tries using her teeth, but after they fall out 2 times, she hands it to the MC and says "Make your self useful sonny-boy, and open this darned thing up" Snarky opens the envelope and hands it back to the presenter. "Hmmm, the winner is.. what does that say.. oh dear where are my glasses." The nurse continues excavating her cleavage and after removing a box of kleenix and an old copy of People Magazine, produces the glasses. "That's better. Oh yes, now I see. Hmm, well good for him." The crowd, who have either fallen asleep, obtained the nurses phone number or have started playing cribbage start to applaud lackadaisically. A sad and lonely usher, the only one still paying attention shouts out "Who won?" "Oh, sorry, yes, the winner is Robert Smith? And I thought I had a funny name" The winner is brought on stage and given his own nurse, wheelchair, and catheter. Senility quickly sets in as the winner tries to put together an acceptance speech. The presenter, settles back into her mountain of blankets, farts loudly and once again is blissfully asleep. Snarky goes off stage for a very large gin and tonic.