From: Keith Brookes <ebrookes@telusplanet.net>
Subject: ADRICs 2000-Most Humorous Poster
Date: Saturday, 20 May 2000 3:55

<INT.ADRIC's stage.  Trumpet fanfare, with flourish.  The Weevil Niblets in
the crowd cheer madly.  KEITH drops BRITNEY SPEARS, and heads to the stage.
KEITH wears Jo Grant's knickers, the Brigadier mustache, and the Sixth
Doctor's coat (plus the cat badge), and the Seventh Doctor's question mark
vest, and a multi colored scarf.  When he gets up, everyone throws copies of
Divided Loyalties at him>

KEITH:  Hello.  I'm Keith Brookes, known RADWer, and creator of Lawyers of
the Daleks!<Cheers>Now before I present this award, even though some of
you...<KEITH glares at HTE TRASME and ANDREW J BROOK>Don't like LOTD, you
who like it can look for part 4 soon!

<Cheers>

KEITH: Okay, the reason I'm here is to present the award for...MOST HUMOROUS
POSTER!!!!!!!!!!<Cheers>Earlier this week, I decided to visit all the
nominees, and get their views on being nominated for this GREAT award.

<A screen comes down, and so do the house lights.  Images flicker on the
screen>

<INT.Van.  People are crowded around equipment in the back of the van.
KEITH is in the forefront, holding a mike>

KEITH:  Hello!  We are here in front of Charles Daniels' house.  These nice
people in an unmarked van were nice enough to let me come in with them.
Now, according to that man,<He points to a SWAT Team member>we'll be
'busting' into Charles' house at any minute.<A police officer walks by with
a tear gas bomb>Hmmm, wonder what that's for.  Anyway, I can't wait to see
his face!

<An OFFICER looking at a screen sits up>

OFFICER:  He's up.  Go!  Go!

<EXT.Charles Daniels's house.  The van's back door opens, and SWAT team
members and Officers pour out.  KEITH jumps out meekly>

KEITH:  Well!  This is pretty cool, huh?<He looks over at the house, where a
SWAT team is knocking down the door>My, they really want to get in.  Let's
follow.

<KEITH follows the SWAT Team guys into the house.  He walks into the sitting
room, where CHARLES DANIELS is facedown on couch, getting handcuffed.  KEITH
walks over>

OFFICER:  You are under arrest for being in an international pornography
ring.  You have the right to remain silent.  You have the right...

KEITH:<Kneels over to talk to CHARLES>Charles!  Do you want to say a few
words on being nominated for Most Humorous Poster?

<The OFFICER pulls CHARLES up, and starts to pull CHARLES out the door>

CHARLES:  I'm a little busy right now!

<CHARLES is marched to a squad car which has pulled up>

KEITH:  What could be more important than this?

<The OFFICER opens the door, and throws CHARLES in the back of the car.  He
jumps in, and drives off.  KEITH is alone>

KEITH:  Well...Charles Daniels ladies and gentlemen.

<EXT.  ED JEFFERSON's house.  KEITH is standing at the front door>

KEITH:  We are here at Ed Jefferson's house!  Now I'm going to see if he'll
talk to us.

<KEITH knocks on the door.  After a little while, the door opens.  ED stands
at the door, wearing Romana's schoolgirl outfit>

KEITH:  Uh, hi Ed.  How are you?

ED:  Oh I'm good.<Uneasy pause>What do you need?

KEITH:  Well, er...hmmm...You know, I can't remember.

<Another pause>

ED:  You're probably wondering about the...<He points at his outfit>

KEITH:  Yeah!  Yeah.  The thought that it was a bit...odd did cross my mind.

ED:  Yeah.  Well, it's for a play I'm in.

KEITH:  Oh?

ED:  Mmmm, yes.  I play...I play a schoolgirl, and I wanted to get into
character, so...

KEITH:<Interrupting>I understand Ed.  It's okay.

<KEITH hears animal noises from behind ED.  He looks behind ED, who slams
the door in his face>

KEITH:<Banging on door>Hey, don't you need a permit for that?

<EXT.Clouds.  KEITH stands in front of a castle>

KEITH:  We are here in front of the castle created and habited by Mr.Robert
J. Smith?  As you can see, Robert created the castle from old Target novels!

<He walks over to the castle doors, and knocks.  They fly open>

KEITH:  Well, looks like he was expecting me.<He walks in>

<INT.Throne room.  It is dark, except for a light cast on a big throne in
the center.  KEITH walks in>

<Suddenly, the 1970s theme blares from everywhere.  ROBERT SMITH? dashes in.
He wears a cape made from several pairs of Tom Baker underwear, and a rolled
up copy of Doctor Who Weekly as a hat.  He sits in the chair, and beckons to
KEITH.  He moves forward>

KEITH:  Hello Robert!  I just wanted to ask you what it feels like to be
nominated for Most Humorous Poster.

ROBERT SMITH?:  In Brief:  It's excellent.  I'm very excited about this.
Spoilers follow.

KEITH:  Riiiiiiiiiiight.  Well, did you ever expect to be up for such a
great award?

ROBERT SMITH?:  Never.  The day I stumbled upon alt.drwho all those years
ago, I never thought I'd be up for this award.  It's life, the universe,
everything.

KEITH:  Smashing.  Well, that's it.  I'll just go then.

ROBERT SMITH?:  Oh, let me show you out.

<He leads KEITH out of the castle.  They stand outside>

KEITH:  I do love the way you built this place.<He notices a Target>Hey,
it's Remembrance of the Daleks!  I've always wanted to read this!

R.SMITH?:  No, don't!

<It's too late.  KEITH pulls the book from the wall.  The castle teeters,
then falls on the two men.  They are swamped in a pile of books.  KEITH's
head pops out>

KEITH:<Pulling himself out>Well, thank you Mr.Smith!  I'm just going to
run...away...fast!<He runs>

<INT.Hallway.  KEITH stands beside a door>

KEITH:  We are here, in the home of Mrs.Anghelides, mother of Peter
Anghelides, well-known Who writer.  In this room, he is creating his next
Who epic!

<KEITH pushes the door open.  It's completely dark.  PETER ANGHELIDES sits
in front of a TV, watching.  He has a laptop on his lap>

KEITH:<Walks in>Hello Peter.  How are you today?<There is no answer.  KEITH
looks nervously at the camera>Well, what are you watching?

ANGHELIDES:  Ghost Light...

KEITH:  Wow.  How about you turn it off and come talk to us?

ANGHELIDES:  Can't...Been watching it over...and over...for three days
straight.

KEITH:  Sounds like fun.<There is no sound from ANGHELIDES>Well, thank you
Peter!<KEITH walks away from him>That was a Doctor Who author.  And if he's
like that, just imagine how Paul Magrs is!

<Behind KEITH, ANGHELIDES falls on the floor.  KEITH smiles uneasily and
gives a nervous laugh>

<INT.Strip club.  KEITH stands in the foreground.  Behind him, girls can be
seen on the catwalk>

KEITH:  Well, we are here in a strip club, to meet our last three nominees:
Arthur Banana, Gareth Thomas, and Finn Clark!  They are enjoying a night of
debauchery!  Let's talk to them, shall we?

<He walks over to the two men sitting by the catwalk.  FINN CLARK is getting
a lap dance while ARTHUR BANANA is downing a margarita>

KEITH:  Hello gentlemen.  Can you spare a minute?

FINN:  Well, I'm a little busy at the moment.

KEITH:  Oh no problem.<To STRIPPER>Here's 10 bucks.  Clear off.

<She rushes off>

FINN:<Angrily>You...you...

KEITH:<Interrupting>You can thank me later.  Now, why don't you tell us
about being nominated for Most Humorous Poster?

FINN:<Angrily>You...you son of a bi-

KEITH:<Interrupting>Thank you Finn.  Arthur, would YOU mind giving us a few
words?

ARTHUR:  Yeah...okay heershs da thing?  Being dom...being zom...being
nominzated for thiz awarz...is is is is unimazzinable.  I...I'm at a loss
for words.

KEITH:  Well, thank you gentlemen.  Now where is Mr.Thomas?

<INT.Hallway.  KEITH stands in front or a door marked "Biggy McJuggs">

KEITH:  We have got information that Mr.Gareth Thomas in now getting action
in this very room.  Well, we can't have that when there's interviewing, hey?

<KEITH walks into the room.  In the corner, there is rustling under the
covers on a bed.  KEITH taps on the cover>

KEITH:  Excuse me?  Is Gareth home?

<GARETH's head pops out>

GARETH:  Brookes?!  What do you want???  I'm busy, god dammit!!!!

KEITH:  Well we only want a minute of your time.

GARETH:  Well, okay.

KEITH:  Well, how do you feel about being nominated for Most Humorous
Poster?

GARETH:  Oh...don't care really.

KEITH:  What?!

GARETH:  It's not my cup of tea.  I mean, if I win great, but I won't lose
sleep over it.<His face contorts into a look of ecstacy>Ohhhh yeah.

KEITH:  Right.  Come out from under there!

<GARETH's woman shimmies out from under the covers.  KEITH looks horrified>

KEITH:  Mrs.Danchuk!!!  This is the position you left our school for?<She is
at a loss for words>Well, thank you Gareth!<He walks away from them>Well,
that's it.  Thanks for watching this handy vi-<FINN attacks him>

<INT.Adrics stage.  The lights go up, and the screen retracts>

KEITH:<Sadly>I know...I know.  I really didn't want to be an ADRIC
Presenter.  I wanted to be...A LUMBERJACK!!!<He moves forward, magically
changing into a lumberjack outfit>Leaping from tree to tree as they float
down the mighty rivers of British Columbia!  The larch!  The pine!  The
mighty redwood!  With my best girl at my side.  We'd sing!  Sing!

<Sings>

Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay,
I sleep all night and I work all day.

MOUNTIES:  He's a lumberjack, and he's okay, He sleeps all night and he
works all day.

KEITH:  I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lava-try.  On
Wednesdays I go shoppin' And have buttered scones for tea.

MOUNTIES:  He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
He goes to the lava-try.  On Wednesdays 'e goes shoppin'
And has buttered scones for tea.  He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.  He
sleeps all night, he works all day.

KEITH:  I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers.  I
put on women's clothing, and hang around in bars.

MOUNTIES:  He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, he likes to press wild
flowers.  He puts on women's clothing and hangs around.... In bars???????
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.  He sleeps all night, he works all day.

KEITH:  I chop down trees, I wear high heels, suspendies and a bra.  I wish
I'd been a girlie just like my dear papa.

MOUNTIES:  He cuts down trees, he wears high heels suspendies?? and a .... a
Bra????<spoken, raggedly>What's this? Wants to be a *girlie*? Oh, My!  And I
thought you were so rugged!

<They storm off, then come back and sing the chorus as KEITH talks>

KEITH:  The Honorable Mentions for this award are:

TIED FOR 10TH-Jonn Elledge, 'Distant' Dave, Dave Owen

9TH-Meddling Mick

TIED FOR 8TH-Keith Brookes and Orinoco

7TH-Daniel Frankham

6TH-Snarky

And now, the runners up:

4th-TIE Ed Jefferson and Finn Clark

3rd-TIE Robert Smith? and Arthur Banana

2nd-Gareth Thomas

1st-Peter Anghelides

So the winner is...CHARLES DANIELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOOAY!!!!!

<Cheers erupt from the audience>

Keith