From: M.H. Stevens Subject: Most arrogant and Haughty author who posts here Date: Monday, 15 May 2000 19:11 With Snarky being temporarily out of the picture I'm taking over long enough for my presentation, and hopefully he will be back tomorrow. Without further preamble......... (Crowd in audience is falling asleep or reading programs upside down and backwards wondering when the next award comes on, and having trouble remembering what the last one was.) (Suddenly the stage lights come up and the Hartnell version of the theme music can be heard in the background) (Out walks a tall man wearing a long dark blue winter coat over a blue turtle neck sweater, he's also wearing blue denim jeans that are slightly faded with too white sneakers that catch every spotlight and force half the audience to put on sunglasses, completing the outfit is a half-length(by Tom Baker standards)blue and white scarf and wide brimmed hat) As he approaches the podium with a thick manila envelope in one hand and some sort of remote control in the other a woman with dark red hair stands up at the back of the auditorium and shouts up to the stage. Compassion: Fitz get off the stage!!! The man removes the hat, scarf and coat and places them on a hatrack next to the podium and then gives her a vicious glare. Compassion: Whoops, my mistake! Mark Stevens: Happens more often than you think. (He addresses the audience) M.H.: And now for the RADW award for most arrogant and haughty author who posts here! (He turns to backstage) M.H.: Bring the prisoners forward. (As the nominees are marched out on stage he hits a button on the remote and the back wall of the stage is lit up and resembles a police line-up board.) At the end of the line is a guard dressed in the uniform of a German WWII Sargeant hurrying them on stage. Sgt. Schultz: Come on everybody schnell, schnell!! Nyclotops: What's he doing here, these awards aren't for Hogan's Heroes? M.H.: Steve Lyons lent me a key to the Land of Fiction if I promised to bad mouth Space Age Edward Funnell: Why would he want you to bad mouth it? M.H.: Just look what I did for Interference. Edward Funnell: True M.H: Lets begin with the honorable mentions there are six. (Audience groans) M.H.:Don't blame me because public opinion is so diverse! M.H: In eleventh place Jonathan Morris........ (M.H. hits a another switch on his remote and Morris's shackles open) Jonathan Morris: Were those necessary? M.H.: Would you have come if I hadn't? Morris: Valid point! M.H.: Thanks, and since I have no quarrel with you as yet since Festival of Death is still waiting in the wings I'm letting you off easy. (He pulls a little box from the big coat and opens it, out flys a very familiar looking bird.....) Morris: Wait thats........ M.H.: That Darn Canary! Morris: But how? M.H.: I'll explain later......anyway he's yours for the week and he is going to serenade you with Ballad of the Last Chance Saloon Morris: NOOOOOOO!!! (He runs out of the auditorium with the canary in hot pursuit) M.H.: Now for tenth place......Dave Stone (He releases Stone's shackles) Dave Stone: Oh No! M.H.: Oh Yes! For giving nonsencial and non-answer answers to simple straightforward questions I give you the Borusa award! Dave Stone: What does that mean? M.H.: I've had you nominated for public office! Dave Stone: You didn't........ M.H.: If you think that's bad here is your campaign manager. (Out on stage rolls a well known tin dog) K9: This campaign will be run according to known election procedures and policies with no exceptions to said rules, I expect to win. Dave Stone: Arrrrghhh!!!!!!! M.H.: Go on you have to meet your public..... (Stone and K9 walk off stage) M.H.: Next up in Ninth Place.........Lance Parkin (Parkin is released) Lance Parkin: Alright, what have you in store for me? M.H.: The random award? Lance Parkin: What's a random award? (He slips a wristband on Parkin's forearm) M.H.: It's a timering linked to a randomiser!!!! Parkin: What??? Why????? M.H.: For alternately being a nice pleasant fellow to ask questions of and a robot who recites the current dogma of the EDA's!!! Parkin: Why you little............... (He dematerializes before he finishes yelling) M.H.: Little? I'm 6'8", who is he calling little? Anyway in eighth place is Kate Orman (Orman's shackles are undone) Kate Orman:This had better not take long I have a writer's workshop to organize M.H.: It won't be , here is an award to give you a matching pair, it's a right handed Mockingbird Mockingbird: I tell ya I get no respect at all!! (It lands on Orman's shoulder) Mockingbird: No respect Orman: Quiet or I make a pie out of you....... Mockingbird: No respect.... Orman: It won't listen to what I have to say, it just says the same things over and over again....... (Mark grins) M.H.: Sound familiar? Orman: Twit! (She marches off the stage with the mockingbird still on her shoulder) M.H.: Now for seventh place....... (Out in the audience two members are discussing the presentation. Captain: MOONS OF MADNESS Mr. Fibuli, is this an awards show or a celebrity roast? He's giving them booby prizes! Fibuli: Well Captain he is presenting an unusual award, given the fact that the winner will likely be someone whom the general public can't stand as a poster I'd say he's letting them off lightly. Captain: BY THE BLESSED WINGS OF THE SKY DEMON, why does he seem to have so many axes to grind? (Fibuli consults his clipboard) Fibuli: Well he has a very old-fashioned viewpoint on Doctor Who in general by current standards and the authors on stage for the most part are part of the progressive movement as they prefer to be known. However the steps they have taken to further their type of progress have continually upset Stevens, he once said that if he was paranoid he be thinking they were doing it deliberately to upset him to drive up sales? Captain: Is that possible? Fibuli: Given the current state of affairs, it is possible but not likely since before Interference came along was a very infrequent poster and until recently most had never heard of him.. Captain: Hmmmm....who won the last one? Fibuli: Jean-Marc Lofficier, in seventh place captain. Captain: Ah, looks like he's ready for the next one. (Meanwhile back on stage) M.H.: Now for sixth place, Keith Topping (Topping is released) Topping: What's my award, being buzzed by a low flying Waro? M.H.: Nothing so mundane, it's an interview session with David K. Smith Topping: Who is he? M.H.: The webmaster of one the better known Avengers websites and a friend of mine, he has a bone to pick with you about all the factual errors in your episode guide that you co-wrote. Topping: And if I refuse M.H:Come on in! Dalek: YOU WILL PROCEED TO THE CONFERENCE OR YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED!!! (Topping sighs in defeat) Topping: Take me to him Dalek: Walk ahead of me (They march offstage) M.H.: So much for the honorable mentions now for the actual nominees (He opens the envelope) M.H.: Fourth runner up is Gary Russell (Russell is released) Gary Russell: What do I have to do to get out of this...... M.H.: Three names, Tom Baker, Michael Gough, Janet Fielding in Big Finish! Gary Russell: That's a tall order! M.H.: Probably but do you really want whats in here? (He pulls a black box from the coat) Russell: I'll get right on it! (He runs offstage in a hurry) M.H.: Oh well more for me I guess (The box opens to reveal peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with a thermos filled with milk) (Mark Polishes off a sandwich with a wicked grin on his face) M.H.: That was too easy, now for Third Runner up Lawrence Miles (The audience suddenly gasps then falls silent, wondering what is in store for Miles) M.H.: There are some authors in the Whoniverse which have written the most terrible things, things that act against everything that we believe in. They must be fought! Here's one now Miles: Why haven't you released me? M.H.: Because your award involves it, you've held the Whoniverse hostage with your meddling, now I'm returning the favor, here is your award solve it. (He tosses Miles a Rubik's cube) M.H.: The shackles will fall from your wrists when you solve it correctly, with no realigning not necessary to do so, and without dismantling it and putting it back together your own way. Miles: What's the catch? M.H.: The catch is you have to find the solution before she finds you. Miles: She? (Mark points behind him where the Great One is walking on stage on her eight legs) GREAT ONE: You fiend, you took my existence away! Miles: But in my version of things you don't die...... GREAT ONE: How can I die when I have yet to live? Run little man run or I'll make lunch out of you. (Miles runs offstage madly trying to solve the cube with the Great One in hot pursuit) M.H.: I'd never thought I'd say this but all praise to the Great One, long may she chase him..... (Audience groans) M.H.: Moving on to Second runner up we have Jon Blum (Blum is released, however for some reason he is wearing a glow in the dark tie) Jon Blum: Come on Mark we know you're longwinded when it comes to sounding out at me so lets get it over with....... M.H.: Very well I'll make it brief, Your theories upset me, your heresies abhor me, you don't answer letters (he looks down) M.H.: And I don't like your tie! Jon Blum: Same tired rhetoric, you Traditionalists are all the same! M.H.: Perhaps, but here is your award........ (He straps it to Blums head) Blum: No not the Mind Probe!!!! M.H.: Nope it's a plot device, designed to torture you if you start to write any long-winded passages or drag a point on endlessly to the realm s of overkill. It forces you to come up with straightforward solutions without causing damage as you go. The ultimate expression of Deux es Machina! Blum: Very Droll, when does it come off? M.H.: When the Doctor gets Old Blue back....... Blum: That's blackmail..... M.H.: That's right!!!! (Blum walks offstage) M.H.: First runner up is Dangermouse, now I feel rather odd presenting this award because I've never thought of him as a possible nominee to this one so instead I'm going to ask some questions regarding Face of the Enemy and Wages of Sin, and he can't leave until I get them answered, now where did I put those notes........ (As Mark starts shuffling papers attempting to locate his questions, Dangermouse gets Schultz's attention, and produces a chocolate bar in his hand. He signals to the Sargeant who is in a dilemma over whether to do this. However when McIntee produces a 2nd bar in his other hand Schultz activates his own remote control and Dangermouse runs offstage tossing the Chocolate to Schultz as he flees) M.H.: Ah, here they are now then...... (he turns to where McIntee should be to find him gone) M.H.: Schultz! Where is he? Schultz: I swear sir I know nothing, NOTHING! (As he hides the chocolate behind his back) M.H.: Oh never mind, he's alway running off when I want to talk to him Go on, back to Stalag 13 with you..... Schultz: Thank you sir, are you planning to write a crossover for ADWC? M.H.: Yes why? Schultz: Please don't use that Doctor, the one with the curly blonde hair and the big voice, his coat gives me a headache! M.H.: Yes fine, go before I change my mind...... (He tosses Schultz the key to the Land and the Sargeant disappears) M.H.:Now for the Winner, his crimes are without number as you can see... (He pulls a scroll of paper out of the envelope which unrolls across the stage and stops only once it hits BULLDOG who promptly falls into the orchestra pit and gets his head stuck in a tuba) (He mumbles something from the tuba) M.H.: That's the most intelligent thing I've ever heard him say....anyhow the winner is.........Paul Cornell Cornell: What are you going to do to me? M.H.: It's not me who is going to do it, I've managed to call in quite a few favors to get my co-presenter here, she herself is going to present the award...... Cornell: Who is she? M.H.: Heres a clue, she's big, painted blue, very loyal to her owner, and has a score to settle with you!!! Cornell: You can't, it's not possible....... M.H.: You Blum and Miles have proved anything is possible, now I'm merely returning the favor...........ah here she is. (Approximately 20 feet above Cornell's head a wheezing groaning sound can be heard as a familiar object begins to materialize.........) Cornell:Yikes! I'm outer here..... M.H.: Not so fast, open wide and say ahhhh. Cornell: Ahhhhh? Gulp! (Mark throws something down Cornell's throat) Cornell: What did I swallow? M.H.: Oh, just a homing device Cornell: Goodnight folks (He bolts offstage) (The object overhead materializes for a split second, long enough for a door to open in it's side and an object to fall out which Mark catches.) (The object that is hovering then dematerializes making the same trumpeting sound as when it arrived) M.H.: A tape recorder? (He presses play) Voice on tape: "One, day I shall come back, yes I shall come back. Until then there must be no regrets, no tears, no anxieties. Just go forward in all your beliefs, and prove to me that I am not mistaken in mine!" (He presses stop) M.H.: That wasn't Hartnell's voice, it sounded female with a metallic tinge to it, I wonder....... well if it was you please hurry back. Epilogue: (The audience has mostly filed out with Mark onstage gathering his props together to make way for the next presenter, a man walks up on stage.) Terrance Dicks: A wheezing groaning sound what kind of description is that, have you been drinking? Mark Stevens: I don't drink (Dicks produces a bottle of scotch) Dicks: Well it's time you started, good luck son, see you around hopefully. (Dicks walks back off the stage and proceeds to leave) Mark H. Stevens: Thanks sir, hmmm now what did I forget. (Suddenly a green tendril taps him on the shoulder, he turns around to see a pair Krynoids looking agitated) M.H. Stevens: Sorry guys, he wasn't even nominated, go have the sheep I promised the Great One, she just phoned and said she prefers the thrill of the chase. Krynoid One: Very well, but next time have him here........ Mark Stevens: I'll try THAT'S ALL FOLKS