From: Douglas B. Killings Subject: ADRICS 2000: Best Comedy Long Fiction Date: Tuesday, 9 May 2000 4:22 (Sorry about the delay, but my ISP went down for a couple of hours) ***** SCENE: The Adric Awards Stage The Presenter (DOUGLAS KILLINGS) walks out onto the stage, holding a small statuette and an envelope. He is tall, with brown hair tied back in a pony-tail. He is also dressed in combat fatigues; a blue-star-on-red-shield emblem is sewn prominently on one shoulder. CUT TO: Camera closes in on DOUGLAS. DOUGLAS Hi, I'm Douglas Killings, and I'm here to present the award for Best Comedy Long Fiction (Story of More Than One Post). This is the first of many awards to be given out honoring the fine writers on Alt.DrWho.Creative, many of whom.... AUDIENCE (off camera) GET ON WITH IT!!! DOUGLAS Well, ok, um... well, here we go. The nominations this year for Best Comedy Long Fiction (Story of More Than One Post) are: CUT TO: Several quick scenes of mayhem, involving water bombs filled with Jusenkyo-cursed water, errant arrows, gun-toting rednecks, annoying Alzarians, and a peeved and psychotic Trakenite young lady. DOUGLAS (voice-over) B.K. Willis, for "Like Water For Adric", part of the _To Die For_ series... CUT TO: As the scenes end, the camera switches to B.K. Willis, sitting in the audience. (Pause) CUT TO: Several quick scenes of mayhem, involving alcohol-induced dreams, evil dogs seeking world-domination, aqua-transsexuals, annoying Alzarians, and a peeved and psychotic Trakenite young lady. DOUGLAS (voice-over) and B.K. Willis, for "The Feminine Mistake", part of the _To Die For_ series. CUT TO: As the scenes end, the camera switches to B.K. Willis, sitting in the audience. This shot is exactly the same shot as previously. CUT TO: The Adrics Awards stage. Behind DOUGLAS are two screens showing the exact same picture of B.K. Willis. CUT TO: The audience There is a moment of stunned silence, as if they expect to hear more nominations. But when it becomes obvious that none are forthcoming, the audience erupts. AUDIENCE (mixed voices, all angry) Booooo!!! Hissss!!!! Fix! Fix! Recount!! Vote Fraud!! Vote Fraud!! Booooo! CUT TO: Adric Awards Stage DOUGLAS (hands raised, trying to calm crowd) Now, now folks. The awards nomination process is very long, careful, and painstakingly scrupulous. These were the only two works deemed fit for nomination, so they were the only works that were voted upon... DOUGLAS dodges a few choice pieces of fruit aimed at the stage. DOUGLAS OK, look. We thought you might feel this way, so I asked to bring in an outside observer to certify this election as being fair and accurate. Will that suit you? CUT TO: The audience The audience looks dubious, but willing to go along. CUT TO: Adric Awards Stage DOUGLAS (turning towards one of the big monitors on stage) OK, I present to you an official from the United Nations Commission on Fair Elections. Mr. Magister, can you hear me? CUT TO: A street scene, outside of the U.N. building in New York. Four people are visible, one in the foreground, three in the back. The one in the foreground is MAGISTER; he is dressed in black nehru, wears black gloves, has a gray-streaked black beard, is holding an odd rod-like device in one hand and wearing a headset. MAGISTER We can hear you, Mr. Killings. I have with me three eminent statesman, all of whom are involved in the task of maintaining verifiably free and open elections on this miserable, err, umm, magnificent planet of ours. CUT TO: The three men in the background. All of them are standing side-by-side, unmoving, and staring wide-eyed directly forward. None are blinking. MAGISTER (v.o.) From left to right I have Mr. Khofi Annan of Ghana, Secretary-General of the United Nations; Sir Kieran Prendergast of Great Britain, head of the UN Commission on Fair Elections, and former President Jimmy Carter of the United States, Special Envoy to the UNCFE. (To the three men) Gentleman, how say you on the selection of these nominations? ANNAN, PRENDERGAST, CARTER (simultaneously, monotone voice) Upon careful examination, we certify that this election was free and open and without fraud. CUT TO: MAGISTER MAGISTER There, you see? CUT TO: Audience The audience seems mollified by this display of sincerity. CUT TO: Adric Awards Stage DOUGLAS (to audience) Well then, isn't that sufficient proof? (Clears throat) Anyway, umm, the nominations... DOUGLAS lifts the envelope and begins to open. There is a drum role in the background. DOUGLAS And the winner is... Bradley K. Willis, for "Like Water for Adric"!!!! --DBK 8 May 2000 -- Douglas B. Killings, Video Czar, ChiCon 2000 (58th WorldCon) DeTroyes@EnterAct.Com Fanfiction Website: http://www.enteract.com/~detroyes/teotp/teotp.html "Any fool can walk on water if the world is cold enough."