From: MAPPY Subject: ADRICS 2000 - The Award for the Poster You'd Most Like to See Boarded-Up ^_^ Date: Wednesday, 17 May 2000 16:33 Disclaimer: Mappy denies all responsibility for this presentation, since Mappy doesn't understand such things and he is yet to get his bag of black jellybeans! -------------------------------------------------------------------- Total silence and darkness falls over the presentation stage, save for a spotlight that hits the podium. *Thwap* Whilst the podium and the spotlight keep everyone entertained by wrestling with each other, the silence continues interminably and, eventually, members of the newsgroup grow restless, waiting for Mappy to make his appearance. Eventually, Snarky steps out onto the stage, a confused expression on his face. Snarky: Well, it seems Mappy isn't here. Odd.... I was sure he checked in at the start of this session.... Snarky scratches his head and wanders up to the bruised podium, which is glaring up at the spotlight, satisfied that that particular bastard won't be returning the favour next year. Snarky prods the podium with a finger, and it turns its attention to him. He smiles nervously and steps behind it. Snarky: If Mappy doesn't make an appearance soon, I guess I'll have to present this award in his place. He looks at his watch. Snarky: Although it is probable that he's gone home to sleep, considering how long he has been waiting to present this award.... Almost an entire week without sleep can do strange things to the human mind. I.... what? Snarky looks down at his feet and realises that there is something there jumping up and down in an effort to climb the podium, making annoyed little squeaking sounds. Snarky: Ah, I seem to have found our errant mouse. Excuse me for a second. Snarky brings his foot down on the mouse's tail. The mouse lets out a loud squeak, and with the kind of cgi effects that cannot be done on an RADW budget, the mouse transforms into MAPPY. Once nothing more than a simple sadfan without a clue, Mappy was changed forever by consuming radioactive cheese, and was mutated into the cutest little bastard on the face of the planet. Normally nothing more than a fluffy little ball of fur with a pom-pom tail, when angered he changes into a ravenous beast of godlike power and immortality. Most of which is bloody useless if you spend the vast majority of your life as a fluffy little ball of fur with a pom-pom tail. However, since he has already transformed.... Ahem.... Mappy looks down at Snarky, then at the audience of newsgroup members, then clears his throat. Mappy: Ahem, sorry about that. Happens all the time, now, where were we? Oh yes.... He casually shoos Snarky away with a dismissive wave, despite the fact that Snarky had already begun backing away, slowly. Mappy: The Award for the Poster you'd Most like to have Boarded Up is a very complex and obscure award. Not many people understand it, even though, by its very title, it should be as clear as glass. He lifts up a hand and pulls down a screen, upon which is an image of a mountain-sized concrete block with a small entrance at the front. He points to it. Mappy: This is an image of the specially-constructed prison for the winner of our award. As you can see, it is VERY unlikely that the victim.... I mean winner.... shall escape this reinforced concrete. And if they should try, there are plenty of deathtraps waiting for them throughout the structure. Need I mention.... THE CHRISTMAS SQUID OF DOOM? There is a rumble of thunder as everyone sinks into their seats in this the purest example of horror for a RADW poster. Mappy: And that is just for starters. Should anyone get past that, perish the thought, it's the Bonnie Langford for them! Mappy turns back to the screen, pointing at the entrance. Mappy: The lucky winner shall be guided, kicking and screaming, through this entrance here, upon which they shall be restrained within bindings of the purest titanium. Wipe that smile off yer faces! Mappy growls at the audience, which quickly regains its composure. Mappy: Ahem! Now, once the winner has been restrained, we seal off the entrance with just about anything we can lay our hands on. No, you are not allowed to use Paul Cornell or Lawrence Miles. Put them away, damn you. Mappy lets the screen go, which disappears back into the ether. Mappy: However, before entering their prison, the winner shall be given this! Mappy holds aloft.... THE GOLDEN TIMELASH VIDEO! Mappy: Yes, this much-treasured item shall be inserted into the winner beforehand, thus rendering them into a state less likely to kick up a fuss when it comes to their.... ahem.... "boarding-up". Mappy puts the video atop the podium. Mappy: Now, before I announce the nominees for this award, I present Iris Wildthyme.... The curtain behind Mappy rises, revealing Iris in her Barbarella body, waving at the assembled crowd. Iris: Hello everyone. Mappy: ....Who shall explain the true nature of this award whilst being run over by her own TARDIS bus. Iris: Thankyou.... Eh? The bus rumbles across the stage. Iris lets out a short shriek as she is cleaned up. The bus then disappears into the wings and the curtains drop. Mappy winces. Mappy: Now, where were we? Ah yes, the nominees.... Mappy presses a button on the podium. There is a mechanical whirring sound and five bound and gagged figures rise from trapdoors in the stage floor, tied to their respective seats. Mappy: Give these people the warm welcome they deserve. There is a mixture of polite applause, with the occasional raspberry and expletive, names not included to protect the guilty. Mappy smiles as he steps over to the first victim.... er.... nominee. Mappy: Most people on this newsgroup should have, at the very least, heard of this man. The first nominee, AZAXYR! People start pitching used Target novels at the stage, cheering every time they hit Azaxyr. Mappy rolls his eyes and takes out a critic from his interdimensional pocket, with whom he starts whapping the novels back into the audience. The barrage of novels eventually ceases and Mappy replaces the critic, shaking his head. Mappy: There will be plenty of time for that later. With a flourish, Mappy moves up to the second victim.... er.... nominee Mappy: The man all you Pro-McCoy Trolls have learnt to love and adore.... DBURNS6554! The top of Burns's head pops open, and a wooden post rises up, unfurling a banner with a motif of a hand giving the bird. Mappy rips the post out of his head and slams it shut. Mappy: OI! That'll be enough of that, thankyou very much. Burns: Mmfff mff mffmff mfffff! Mappy: That's not what you said earlier. Mappy tosses the post aside. Mappy: Damn. Thought we'd managed to get all these things offa him. Well, anyway.... Mappy sidles up to the third nominee, a small figure who appears to be rather young. Mappy leans over the nominee's shoulder. Mappy: Having fun, boyo? The nominee mumbles something unintelligible as Mappy chuckles with sadistic glee, standing up and placing his hands on the nominee's shoulders. Mappy: The young man with the many, many story ideas, posted again and again and again.... J2RIDER! Polite applause and the sound of target locks as Mappy steps up to the fourth, who has exactly the same apparent physical appearance and dimensions as Azaxyr. Mappy: Uh, ummies.... How should I introduce this one? Well, some people have problems telling him apart from Azaxyr.... May I present to you.... EXORSE! Mappy looks from Exorse to Azaxyr and back again. Then shrugs his shoulders. Mappy: Damn clever way of splitting up yer own vote, if that were the case, but anyway.... Mappy steps over to the final nominee, who is violently wrestling with his bonds. He turns to Mappy and glares at him, as if trying to fry the mouse into oblivion. Mappy hides behind J2Rider. Mappy: And our last nominee.... MARK H STEVENS! Mappy gestures towards Stevens just in time for a dozen authors to leap out of nowhere and smother the nominee. Everyone watches in horrified fascination as they make disgusting chomping noises, then disperse, crawling across the stage into its dark corners. Mappy stands and stares at the chair where Stevens used to sit. Mappy: Well, it'd be a bummer if he won the award.... Have to give it to someone else.... Umm.... Mappy looks down at J2. Mappy: Don't look so fearful. It's not as bad as you think. Really. Burns: Mfffmfff mffffmfff! Mappy points to Burns. Mappy: That's enough outta you. Honestly, you'd think some people weren't able to take this in the spirit it was meant. But anyway.... The envelope please, Snarky.... An envelope on a long pole appears from the sidelines. Mappy stares at it as it is held out to him. Sighing, he grabs the envelope and the pole withdraws immediately. Mappy turns back to the newsgroup and puts on his best winning smile. Mappy: And the winner of the award for the poster you'd most like to see boarded-up is.... Mappy opens the envelope and stares long and hard at the contents. Mappy: A Z A X Y R ! ! ! ! Mappy pulls a lever and all the losers drop through trapdoors in the stage floor, which is followed by splashing and thrashing sounds from below as unspeakable horrors do their worst to the poor unfortunates. Azaxyr kicks, bucks and fights against his restraints as faceless minions grab and carry him into the darkness, one of them holding the Golden Timelash Video, ready for insertion. Mappy watches this with satisfaction, knowing that this is as it should be. He then turns back to the audience. Mappy: And a big thankyou to our nominees for their time and patience. Not that they had any choice, of course, however.... I shall end this presentation by reading a collection of reviews, handed to me by Iris before her unfortunate accident, detailing Keith Brookes's "Gang Warfare" following its publication in 2003.... Before Mappy can start, the curtain drops on top of his head, and he collapses to the floor, unconscious. The newsgroups cheers as he is dragged away by a stagehand, glad that this grotesque presentation is finally over. They then return to their usual laughing, drinking and pitching of shrapnel grenades at each other.... -------------------------------------------------------------------- _________ / @ \ MAPPY the Mouse (Mark A Page) aka DDFA / / ^ ^ \ \ mappythemouse@start.com.au /\ \/ \/ \___________/ /_/ \_\