From: Andrew J. Brook Subject: ADRICs!!! Bitch of the Year Award - the Time Has Come! Look upon me ye mortals, and despair! Date: Thursday, 18 May 2000 3:31 (Andrew J. Brook - a distinguished and noble gentleman of sober bearing yet a ready wit; the baronetcy must surely be the merest amount of time away - approaches the podium, statuette and gold envelope in hand.) As somebody once said: "Life's a bitch, and then you diet." And indeed they' ve been dropping like flies around here at the moment, in the mad scramble of nominees for the ADRIC Award "Bitch of Year" to escape, flee, and generally get the hell out. But fortunately many were restrained or otherwise suppressed by members of the court, so indeed there are many faces in the audience I actually recognise. Thank goodness for Club Tropicana, that's all I can say. I've been racking my brains over this little bit, the bit between me entering and you skipping to the bottom, but the trouble with having a ready wit is that you tend to be unwittingly unready, as the actress said to King Æthelred. And I can tell you that that was the only decent bit of advice the man ever received. And I've sometimes wished to receive the like. This is - as you may be aware - is the ADRIC Award 2000 for Bitch of the Year. That is, the bitchiest poster of 1999. Don't ask me how that works out... The Snark asks me - "Do you want to present this, or do I let this other chap take it?" Me? I say, "Far be it from me to impede the course of progress!", and if you ask me it says something pretty poor about the course of progress that I'm here now.... I mean, progress needs to be forced through - doesn't just happen, needs to be pushed by men and women and other with PERSONALITIES. Forceful ones, ones overflowing with opinions... and we've a barrelful of 'em 'ere tonight. Just to balance it out, you've got me - utterly nondescript in every way, although most'll just say that's my conceit. I say I'm not conceited, it's a FACT that I'm the greatest being alive. If I had any humility, as someone once said, I'd be perfect. But the nominees have gone too far. They've let their ego boil over, making radw what it was at the end of 1999. But trolling has been abandoned, and we shall hope that this award does not start it off again, but offers both truth and reconciliation so we can look forward to peace and harmony in the new millennium. And we'll just have to take our chances on you Americans. But you're not interested in all that. You want to know who has crossed the fine line between outspokenness and being a sandbank - (Whisper from member of audience) Mountebank, sorry. I thought that meant 'highwayman'. Are you sure that 'sandbank' isn't the word I'm looking for - after all, this is beach of the year... (Groans from audience) I mean, take this chap I met down at the Spiritualist Club last week. I mean, please, he followed me hope, can't shake the blighter off, got the vicar coming down on Wednesday but it's a bit of a drag, I must say. Not as much of a drag as my dog - name's 'Cigarette' - yeah, the Old Ones are the best, it's the way I tell 'em, it is, and personally I think Yog-Sothoth carries the can, out of 'em all. I might worship the great god Nathan-Turnus Quadrifrons, but these beings-from-another-universe are a class act, through and through. Telling a chap in the queue for the loo in Tooting Bec last week what a good chap Ken Livingstone was, but all I got was a roar and some literature for the Church of Sothoth, Intelligenist. Great, I though, but at least they've never yeti come round to the front door like the Nedenah Witnesses.... Anyway. The nominations, brought to us today from the Maximum Security Wing of the Doctor Who Appreciation Society, are as follows. Let's count 'em down, pop-pickers: (Speakers blare out "Pick of the Pops" theme music. Actually, I would have posted it, but people complain when you do that sort of thing.....) In at 15 we've got 5 seperate posters: Snarky! J2Rider Joxer Luke Curtis and Shearrob While neck and neck at 14 are John Pettigrew and Lake Brooks. 13 sees Kate Orman taking her place in the ranks, while Mr Marcus Durham is in at 12, and Meddling Mick at 11. Now, the top ten: In at ten, he's mad, bad, and dangerous to know: Azaxyr. Nine sees a man of strong opinions on "Doctor Who" (Azaxyr's opinions on anything are strong, too, but that's in the sense that they generally stink) - MH Stevens. Sharing the number eight spot - Messrs Steve Day, William December Starr and Jon Blum! At seven - some might say he was in at ten also, but evidence is slim - you' re damn right, it's Exorse! Six - Paul "I can't think of anything to say at this point about him, which is a shame" Cornell. Five - blow me, if it ain't that double-act of Steve Day and William December Starr (and it is them, so that's me safe). They shared a spot on their own, but you voted for the double as well! Honourable (or dishonourable) mentions to the above. Now, pop-pickers, let's move into the top four. Not 'alf! At number four, the third place runner up has been described as "Amazing! Fantastic! Whenever there is danger he'll be there!" No, wait, that was the other one.... Yes, it's Dangermouse! At three, holding second-place runner up, it's a tie! No, not a peice of neck apparel, but Andrew O'Day and Brett O'Callaghan. First place runner-up is a man who gave radw one of its most vital resources. A list beyond compare. The man who brought us the definitive list of pro-McCoy trolls: DBurns6554! (DBurns, at his table in front of the stage, orders a bottle of champagne to celebrate missing out on the forthcoming accolade) And now, the moment you've all skipped ahead to read: (Takes golden envelope from pocket, holds it aloft, and opens it. Music fades, and is replaced with a drumroll. There is tension. Some of the audience are seen to be biting their nails, the tables, anything to stop them going stark staring mad at the terrible, terrible waiting. No, wait. No, actually that chap in the third row acts like that anyway. Sorry.) The ADRIC Award 2000 for Bitch of the Year 1999 goes to - and does he deserve it? Not 'alf! - the one and only Mister Adam Richards! Give him a big hand, folks! (Spontaneous applause. The winner, despondent rather than resplendent in choice of attire, drags his/her/other feet as he/she/it/nominative singular noun/delete as applicable/if you can read this I forgot to save before I posted approaches the podium.) A special message from the organiser to the winner - the Snark offers these words of congratulation: "Mine, next year, I tell you!!!" (The unfortunate winner reaches the podium) Ladies and gentlemen and miscellaneous: Adam Richards. (The winner takes hold of a golden statuette of shame, a bottle of brandy of consolement, and a microphone of speaking with which to make an acceptance speech should he/she/it/etc. wish) Thank you, and goodnight! --------- This presentation was brought to you by Andrew J. Brook. Memorabilia available on request to ajb@money4oldrope.con. I am available for after-dinner speeches. (Whisper from audience) What do you mean, if you knew I was on later you'd "never even survive till the port and walnuts, let alone coffee?" What a nerve....