From: PAUL GADZIKOWSKI Subject: Re: ADRICS 2000: Best Comedy Short Fiction Date: Tuesday, 9 May 2000 14:31 Snarky! (feetofclay@home.com) wrote: : SNARKY:...Maybe later. Next up, Best Comedy Short Fiction will be : presented by someone familiar by now in both radw and adwc, but mostly : adwc...drum roll, thanks, guys...fan fiction writer... : : SNARKY: ...Paul Gadzikowski!!! [Applause. From behind the curtains at the side of the stage steps a MAN. It's not Paul Gadzikowski, exactly. It's a Time Lord in Prydonian robes and a bland lack of facial expression: the Doctor's FATHER, the only original character in Gadzikowski's fanfiction to appear in more than one alt.drwho.creative story. He's carrying the requisite envelope- and-statuette set. [The FATHER reaches the podium as the applause sign goes off, sets his burdens down, looks into the camera, and reads the cue card.] THE FATHER Why did Rassilon cross the road? To get to the Other. [Being from a canon that doesn't include the NAs, the FATHER is bemused by the joke and by the audience laughter.] If brevity is the soul of wit, the authors of the pieces nominated for "Best Comedy Short Fiction (Story of one post)" - of which pieces most are set in This Time Round, a.dw.c's outside-continuity tavern - are the soul of alt.drwho.creative wit: "The Knights Who Say Nyssa" by B K Willis. [Behind the FATHER the screen has lowered. On it is projected a scene of pandemonium in This Time Round, a WHITE DALEK in the foreground.] The white Dalek was the first to notice the two ADF fighters moving into position with weapons drawn. "I could intervene," he thought. "I could stop this right now with a couple of shots. Do I want to?" He tracked the movement of the female, gunsight centered on her chest. "I could kill or stun these two and save the WANKERs' sorry butts. But, do I have the right?" [The picture on the screen freezes and the shot returns to the FATHER.] THE FATHER "19 May 1999" by D B Killings. [On the screen is projected a scene of ADRIC and NYSSA departing an opening-day screening of STAR WARS EPISODE ONE: THE PHANTOM MENACE in company of a large group of This Time Round patrons. NYSSA is carrying an authentic-looking lightsabre prop.] He couldn't help it; he felt the smirk form to one side. And oddly, his spirits seemed to have abruptly risen.. "Oh, let me guess. Jar-Jar, because I come from a swamp, is that it?" "And because you're annoying, incomprehensible, and always in the way." she confirmed. He nodded, and stepped out of her way. "Anything you say, Threepio." he said as she passed. That actually stumped her. She stopped and spun towards him. "Threepio?" she said, not quite understanding the connection. "Uh huh. Prim, proper, and not quite there in the head." FWOOOM!! SWISH! SWISH!!! Thud. As his head arced through the air, he had just enough presence left to stick his tongue out in her direction. [The picture on the screen freezes and the shot returns to the FATHER.] THE FATHER "Red Tape Blues" by B K Willis. [On the screen is projected a scene of ADRIC in the afterlife's Mortality Deferment office, with a paper form in his hand.] Adric miserably returned to the waiting room, only to find all the seats now taken. He had to squat on the floor by a hideously ugly end-table to fill out the form, when he realized that he had no pencil. He eventually convinced the receptionist to loan him one, but had to fill out a Form 326Y33984Q(e) Writing Implement Requisi- tion, which was two pages long and had to be stamped and nota- rized before he could take the pencil away from her desk. He then tackled the Form 77J211346D4, mumbling as he filled out the seemingly unending series of questions. "No. No. Yes. No. No. Hmmm... I'll say 'twice a day'. No. Ummm..." He pulled off a shoe and peered inside. "Size 10-and-a-half. No. What the--? I can't believe they'd even _ask_ that! Of course I don't! No. Yes. Ummm... June the sixth. Yes. Yes. The Magna Carta. No." And so on until he had finished. He then returned the pencil to Phaidor the receptionist and under her lopsided gaze filled out Form RD66/ 93E7R Writing Implement Return Verification which they both had to sign in the presence of three witnesses. [The picture on the screen freezes and the shot returns to the FATHER.] THE FATHER "Gained in Translation" by B K Willis. [On the screen is projected a scene of the DOCTOR and TEGAN in the TARDIS corridor, while the voice of NYSSA sings offscreen.] "...Ki sothu kai paal, ki ahn kora, ki beha akarah... ...Soh tihra ki be ahleyn, u ahn jiah leth vo trah..." She had never had any idea that Nyssa could sing. The girl's voice was haunting, and the alien melody seemed to beg to be sung along with. "Doctor, what's that she's singing?" The Doctor glanced irritatedly back. "If I could speak Traken, we wouldn't be having this conversation, hmm?" ... Nyssa ... started the song over again. It was a simple but addictive little tune that served to fill the silent air, and almost sung itself. A pleasantly nonsensical diversion. "...I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay... ...I sleep all night and I work all day..." [The picture on the screen freezes and the shot returns to the FATHER.] THE FATHER "Thoth-Agog's Dream" by Clive May. [On the screen is projected a scene of ADRIC sitting up in bed on the TARDIS after waking from a nightmare.] The most puzzling aspect of his dream, that his life was being written as a series of "out of cannon stories" by the people who watched the programs. The blame for that, too, he found no difficulty in laying squarely on Tegan. Apparently, some Earth people actually did this? Tegan was most disparaging of their efforts at literature. What was the term she had used in such a contemptuous tone? "Trekkies?" Yes. That was it. "Trekkies and, what was it? Duffel Coats? Eh? No. Anoraks? Well, some sort of coat anyway." Why they should want to do this, he could not fathom. For once, though, Adric found himself in total agreement with Tegan's opinion. There was some hope for the woman yet. His personal devil of smug self-satisfaction patted him affectionately on the back. To find out such sad people existed gave him a feeling of superiority [The picture on the screen freezes and the shot returns to the FATHER. The FATHER stares at the frozen image a moment, as if feeling his entire existence somehow trivialized by the story fragment in a manner he cannot define. Then he looks back into the camea.] THE FATHER [picks the envelope off the podium, opens it] And the winner is: "19 May 1999" by D B Killings. -- Paul Gadzikowski http://members.iglou.com/scarfman: King Arthur in Time and Space - The Daily Cartoons - DOCTOR WHO, STAR TREK, scarfman@iglou.com BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, M*A*S*H - Archy the Cockroach - New cartoons weekly