From: Da Cat Badge Subject: ADRICs 2000: Best Character (name and Story) Award. Huzzah! Date: Wednesday, 10 May 2000 5:21 Scene - ADRICS AWARD BUILDING (Interior) (The party is in full swing. RADWers are partying, drinking, and in their drunk state, doing stupid and idiotic things such as saying how great Bonnie Langford is. Suddenly, the door explodes. A figure in a long cloak and a fake goatee runs in. He is MATT MARSHALL. He is followed by a small piece of wood. This is DA CAT BADGE. Next come Matt's LEGION OF EVIL) Matt: Ah ha, so you didn't invite me, eh? DCB: You will pay for this dearly. Bwa ha ha ha Matt: Oi, you crappy piece of wood, that's my line. Bwa ha ha ha ha! Snarky: Actually you were supposed to present the Best Character Award. Matt: Don't contradict me. (He wildly opens fire into the audiance. Everyone screams. Ed Jefferson's head is blown off. Everyone cheers.) DCB: Ah ha! Too late - we're going to present the Best character award. You can't stop us. Snarky: Fair enough. You were going to anyway Matt: I SAID DON'T CONTRADICT ME!!!!!! (To the Legion of Evil) DESTROY THEM ALL! (A figure stands up. It is Keith Brookes. The Legion of Evil Scream and turn to stone) Matt: Oh dear. Erm, can I still present the award? Everyone: YES! (Matt and DCB take to the stage) Matt: Well here we are to present the next award..... the *Best Character* Award. I was the only person deemed suitable enough to present it. DCB: ...because no-one else wanted to. Matt: Shut up, you lying glorified safety-pin. Anyhow, there were simply loads of thingies. Uuuuuum... DCB: Nominees, you human fool. Let me do this. Matt: No! (Da Cat badge leaps up and pricks him to death.) DCB: That's better. Now, there were simply oodles of nominees. Before I tell you the winner, I'll just go through who didn't win... (Behind him, Matt shakily stands up) Matt; I'll get you you little... DCB... No Cybermen won this catogary Cyberleader: (Punches fist into hand) Excellent Cyberleutenant: But we didn't win! Cyberleader: Ahhhhhhh. (He shots at the stage. DCB ducks, and the shot blows off Matt's right arm) DCB: Now here are the ones that did not win. I would like to say that it isn't the winning that matters, but the taking part. But I won't. If you didn't win, you should say to yourself "Why didn't I win..." Audience: Boo. Hiss. DCB: If I ever wrote anything, it would win for sure. That is because I am so ace.... Audience: GET ON WITH IT!!!!! Matt: (Clutching his bleeding stump) Righty-ho. Those that came ever so close were... *The Ether Bunny in "Spring Break," by JFG* *The Master as duck (from "Not For Sale") * *Aedison Boddy (from MIA 15: "To Outsit Eternity") * *The 16,777,216th Doctor (from "The Infinity Doctors," by K.M.* Wilcox) *Psycho Nyssa -- various (don't ask me -- different descriptions got separate noms....)* *Adric (This Time Round/To Die For series) * *Nyssa in "Nyssa's End," by Graham Woodland* DCB: Well, pop pickers, the run down now continues with the runners up. RUNNERS UP! HA! Matt: I didn't see you win anything: DCB: I'm a lump of wood. I can't write. Matt: Smarmy b*rstard. Ho hum. Tied in second runner up are..... *Psycho Nyssa (This Time Round/To Die For series)* *Zany Zoe (from the "Zany Zoe" drabbles)* *Liz Shaw in "Not A Rational Process," by Jeri Massi* DCB: Three ties? Wow, this must have been a hotly contested catorgory Matt: Indeed, my wooden pal. People must have voted in their thousands, and those three somehow got exactly the same amount of votes. Exactly. DCB: As opposed to there not being that many votes, and they all got 2 or something Matt: Just stop it, okay, this is supposed to be a celebration of everyones hard work. DCB: What about the Most Bloody Minded Poster Award. Celebration? Matt: Go to hell. (DCB is sucked into hell) Right-o. The first runner up is... *Number One (To Die For series)* Matt: Which means that the winner can only be... (A fanfare starts up. The Hawkmen from Flash Gordon fly overhead) &*(*£^(^*&^%$*^&$*&^(*^$&(*(^$"^$&$()&%()%$£$")(*&££$%^&*(*&^%$^&(^$$ "£^"£^£^!* Francois the Ogron bartender (This Time Round/To Die For series) *%$£!""^£$*£* *&"£$(I&^%$*%*%£*%£"&%&(*&)&*£&£$^&^%*^&%*&^(^^($*(&%£*(^(^$&(^&( (Confetti rains down) Matt: I'd like to present the award myself, but it was only made out of tin foil, and someone sat on it. Sorry. (He exits the stage. Policemen come forward and drag him to the ground, guns aimed at his head. The lead policeman steps forward) PC Mist: You're nicked, sonny.